Somebody commented on yesterday’s post about Hannah’s placement that they’d like to hear about the day we got THE call, so here it is!

It was a Friday, 8th March and I was feeling really down in the dumps. We’d just had our two hit and miss potential adoption placements, both of them had fallen flat, we’d really ridden the roller coaster of emotions, I was exhausted, downhearted, deflated and feeling pretty damn hopeless. To top it off I’d had a totally shocking day which had started off with no electricity, I’d had to go to work looking like a woolly 80′s Rock Star because I couldn’t blow dry my hair and the day just spiraled downward from there. By the time I got home from work, all I could think about was sitting down with a bag of chips and a bottle of wine!

When I arrived home, I discovered that our gardener had broken the automated garage door as he’d had to be opening it manually all day because of the power outage. When Walter got home he asked me to help him hold the ladder while he attempted to fix the garage doors. Now the stupid ladder is one of those metal ones and in between trying to hold the garage door up with one hand, while supporting the ladder with the other hand while Walter tried to get the door automation back on it’s rails, somehow the ladder started to slide over and it fell and slammed my fingers in between the two metal legs.  That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I simply couldn’t anymore, after the totally shitty day, this was the end. I burst into tears,  viciously threw the ladder to the ground while throwing a few prize f-bombs and stormed into the house to check on my bruised fingers, blackened nails and cuticle on my one finger that ripped completely.

I decided to spend the rest of the evening in a sulk because life sucked and I was gonna eat worms. A couple of hours later my phone rang and I saw that it was our one social worker calling. It was after 7pm on a Friday evening, so I just knew…. I just knew… she was calling for a very good reason!

She told me that she had a feeling I’d been going through a rough time and she had news that she wasn’t supposed to share with me but she felt I deserved some cheering up. She then told us that we’d been chosen by birth parents. That I shouldn’t start telling the whole world just yet, but that things were looking good, that both the birth mother and birth father were involved and that the baby was a couple of weeks old. She also told me it was a little girl.

When I heard this news, I started screaming & alternating between running on the spot and doing star jumps! Both Walter and Ava came running and stood there staring at me like I’d completely lost my mind while I did this crazy/scream/dance thing.

This was 3rd time lucky. Third time we’d been matched/selected by birth parents in the space of ONE MONTH and it was also the first baby girl we’d been matched with, all our other close calls over the past two years have been boys, so I just had this very strong feeling that this was it!

Of course, having been so bitterly disappointed previously, Walter and I decided to keep this information close to home and didn’t share it with many people and certainly not online until right before the 60 days ended. Keeping our selection off my blog for more than a month nearly killed me, I was desperate to share it, but in the end, I’m glad we waited!

This is the one topic that everyone and his uncle wants to know about, so without further adieu here it is…..

We stayed with my parents while we were in Cape Town for Hannah’s placement, they live in Durbanville which was great as we had to appear at the Bellville Magistrate Court at 9am. Walter and I were both very excited and very nervous at the same time. Just after 9am Eloise from Procare called us to say that she was running late to meet us at court, that there had been a problem but was nothing to worry about. Apparently the assistant to the Magistrate of the children’s court had contacted Eloise informing her that they had no paper so they were unable to print our paperwork for our adoption to be finalized (I freaking kid you not!!!) so Eloise had been forced to race back to her office, to print out all the documents for the courts so that our paperwork could go ahead!

Eloise arrived at court just before 10am and thankfully we were taken straight through to see the magistrate and get all the paper work signed. It was quite funny that hour we spent waiting… quite an experience. When we’d tried to enter the court house, a massive scuffle had broken out at the security entrance, guards were man handling a group of 3 men out the doors and guards inside slammed the doors shut and we got stuck in the middle of the scuffle. There are some seriously shady and scary characters hanging out at the court house and to be honest, I was a little scared!  Once were were inside, we sat in the waiting area while we waited for Eloise and after about 10 minutes Walter said their was something wet under his shoes…. when looked down, we were both sitting with our feet in a puddle of something that looked suspiciously like vomit! After dry heaving and racing back out through security where we spent 10 minutes wiping and dragging our feet on the grass and gravel, Eloise arrived and we got the formalities over with.

Finally we headed off the the New Life Center which is part of the Bellville Methodist Church, they offer a home to women and girls who are in crisis pregnancy and  work closely with Procare, often housing many of the Procare mom’s. It was decided that this would be the best place for our placement to occur as the place of safety caring for Hannah was a bit further away.

When we arrived at the New Life Center, Tannie Toekie from House of Thembiso was already there with Hannah. Of course our social workers didn’t want us to see her until after we’d met with our birth mom, so they wrapped her up in a blanket and removed her from the lounge where we had to wait. You have no idea how hard that was, I so desperately wanted to snatch the blanket off her and just have a look at her.

Shortly after that Hannah’s birth mother arrived. Wow. Just wow. Firstly she is absolutely gorgeous and so very very brave. We chatted with her for about half an hour or so. It was really great getting to know her a little. According to her Hannah looks a lot like her birth father and it was awesome to hear how they had chosen our profile. Apparently they’d gone in for a meeting with their social worker, to collect the profiles that had been matched with them. The SW ushered them into her office and left them for a moment. They both noticed the pile of profiles on her desk and ours was on top of the pile. Apparently they both looked at the cover photo’s, turned to each other and said that that was the one, that we were the family they wanted Hannah to come to. Of course when the SW returned to her office, carrying the pile of profiles they had been matched with, they were both disappointed to discover that our profile had actually been earmarked to go to another birth mother. But after some discussion, the SW agreed to let them take our profile as well. Hannah’s BM knew that we were the ones and this was confirmed for her even before she’d read it, she got her best friend to read through all the profiles as well and even her best friend told her that ours was definitely the right one for her.  Hannah’s birth father, apparently, chose us without even reading our profile, he looked at the photo’s on the front and back cover and just knew we were the ones!

After that our SW’s said they were going to have Tannie Toekie bring Hannah in, but her birth mom requested that she be allowed to fetch her and hand her over to us as she wanted to do the actual placement. The look of pride on her face when she walked in carrying Hannah will stay with me forever. I still get a lump in my throat when I think about it, when I remember the love, awe and pride that shone in her face as she carried her baby over to us for placement. During the tough times with Hannah, I just remember the look on her birth mom’s face at placement and I’m reminded of what a privilege it is to be raising this precious little girl.

Tannie Toekie also did a hand over of all the little things that Hannah had in her short life. From the little cup used to feed her in the hospital, her umbilical cord and hospital bracelet, her first outfit from the hospital, jersey’s and hats that knitted by an old lady who had visited the hospital and given these to her, the teddy bear that was in her cot at the house, her towel, dummy and bottle she’d used over the 60 days she’d been housed there, a little doll given to her by an old lady who was at the church service that House Of Thembiso attended where they had all the babies in their care blessed. It’s a very special box with lots of special things that are part of Hannah’s story.

We chatted a little longer after that, exchanging gifts. She’d bought Hannah and Ava a beautiful princess story book and had written a letter to Hannah explaining her decision to place her. Reading that letter brings me to tears every single time. And we bought her a Pandora bracelet and added charms onto it that had Hannah’s birth stone in them. For Hannah’s birth father, we had bought a beautiful pocket watch and had Hannah’s date of birth engraved on the lid as a keep sake for him.

After that it was time to start saying our goodbye’s, after much hugging and kissing, she asked if she could give Hannah one last kiss goodbye and after that, she turned on her heel and walked out. I watched her go and was overcome with emotion at her bravery, completely fell apart and started crying my eyes out. I can never begin to imagine how hard placement must be for birth mothers.

After that, we said our goodbye’s to our social workers and Tannie Toekie and took Hannah home to start our lives as a family of 4.

One of the many things that has stuck with me from our day of placement is the amazing and inspiring people we met that day. From the woman who runs the New Life Center to Tannie Toekie from House Of Thembiso.  Walter and I have decided to do whatever we can to support these great initiatives and will be making baby goods donations to House of Themibiso and financial contributions to New Life Center. If you have been moved or inspired by our story at all, please could I ask that you do the same? Every Rand donated will help these worthy causes.

New Life Center:

Bank: Standard Bank

Branch: Tyger Manor

Acc Name: Methodist Church New Life Centre

Account #: 071895124

Branch Code: 05041041

House Of Thembiso:

Any contributions are welcome (sponsorship, volunteer work or a donation) please contact Sonja to make arrangements
021 9815261

Last night Walter and I watched the movie Mother & Child on DSTV’s channel 107.

Mother and Child is an American drama film directed and written by Rodrigo García, and stars Naomi Watts, Annette Bening, Kerry Washington, Shareeka Epps and Samuel L. Jackson. It premiered on September 14, 2009 at the 2009 Toronto International Film Festival^[1] and at the Sundance Film Festival on January 23, 2010,^[2] and was the closing night selection within Maryland Film Festival 2010. It was given a limited release in the United States beginning May 7, 2010.

When she was 14, Karen (Annette Bening) became  pregnant and gave her daughter up for adoption. The decision to give up her child has always haunted her. Upon meeting laid-back Paco (Jimmy Smits), Karen permits her anxiety and mistrust to get the best of her. She gradually calms her anxiety through the relationship with Paco.

Karen’s daughter, Elizabeth (Naomi Watts), grows up to be solitary, willful, and hardhearted. She is hired as an attorney at a prestigious law firm headed by Paul (Samuel L. Jackson). They have an affair, and she becomes pregnant. She quits without informing Paul of her condition, and moves to a new apartment and a new job. She deposits a letter for her biological mother in the organization that arranged the adoption.

Lucy (Kerry Washington) is a baker who longs to be a mother, but cannot have children of her own. She and her husband, Joseph (David Ramsey), contact the same adoption agency and meet with a prospective mother. After a protracted interview period, the mother agrees to give the couple her baby, but changes her mind after giving birth. Lucy is devastated.

When this movie ended, both Walter & I were silent. I turned over onto my side in bed and let my tears silently fall. It was only when I heard sniffing that I realized Walter was crying to.

Wow! Just wow! What a movie.

Each of us were touched by different aspects of this film. For Walter the story within the story that affected him the most was how damaged Elizabeth was by her adoption experience. It was almost as if she went out of her way to sabotage herself and make herself unlovable. She was not an easy character to like. What I really liked about this movie is the accuracy within the story. Elizabeth is not just damaged because she is adopted, she is filled with self loathing and damaged because she lost her adopted father as a young child and never had a close relationship with her adoptive mother. I also took from the story that her adopted parents had not done a very good job of talking to her about her adoption, about explaining to her why her birth mother, Karen, had placed her. So instead of growing up with a sense of understanding of who she was and where she came from, she grew up filled with self loathing and repeating the cycle of her feelings of rejection and being unlovable.

Karen’s story really touched me. How she lived with the regret and being haunted by the placement of her daughter. How that single event set the tone for the rest of her life. Last night, as my tears flowed, I was unable to stop thinking about our birth mothers. While in reality, I know that our birth mothers live with the choice they had made and I know there must be times when it’s incredibly painful for them, to see their story played out in the movie, left me profoundly affected and even more determined to love my girls with every fiber of my being and to do what is right by them and to do my best for them always.

Lucy’s story also rang true for me, having experienced an adoption loss ourselves, that scene had me hiccuping and crying my eyes out.

I have left off a key part of the plot because there is something that happens in this film that will take your breath away and remind you to live your life with no regrets and to not wait until tomorrow to do or say something important, to not be held back by fear.

If you have adopted, are a birth mother, thinking about adoption or know someone who is thinking about or has adopted, I’d highly recommend you watch this movie. While the story is purely fiction, it portrays the beauty and the pain, the love and the cruelty of adoption perfectly.

All Screenings of this Movie:

It’s International Birth (first) Mother’s day today. Birth/first mother’s day falls on the Saturday before mothers day every year. It is a day to honor birth/first mothers.

Today we honor Irma and Robin (*) for the gifts they have given us. For choosing us. For trusting us with something so very precious.  For the privilege of being a part of your unselfish act of love. For touching our lives and forever changing who we are and how we view the world. For forming a bond of sisterhood with me, a pure and perfect bond that see’s the 3 of bound by one desire only…. to raise happy, healthy, well adjusted, responsible girls and make them strong and independent women.

With all my love & until we meet again….

(*) Not her real name.

Being a mother is the most emotionally rewarding “job” a woman can have. Being a mother via adoption comes with it’s own set of unique challenges and circumstances. I’ve often tried to share those here on my blog, but I fear my attempts have fallen short.

Then today somebody sent me link to quite possibly the best written piece I’ve ever read about what is is to be a mother to an adopted child/ren. I felt proud and cried the entire way through this written piece. Aside from one or two paragraphs, almost every aspect of it is fully relevant to my own adoption experience. Full credit goes to the author of this piece, Kathy Lynn Harris.

Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,

I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.

It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.

Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.

Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.

Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?

I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.

I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.

I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.

I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.

Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.

I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.

And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.

And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.

I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.

I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.

And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.

I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.

I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.

I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.

I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.

I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.

I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?

I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.

I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.

But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.

Can I get a Woo-Ha!

Yesterday Toni left the following comment on my blog:

Love reading your blog,although I’m a granny of three.What amazes me is the relationship you have with the birth mother.I suppose it depends on the circumstances surrounding the birth and the reason for her giving up her child,the fact that she doesn’t mind you writing openly and putting photo’sup ect.ect.,?

Which once again reminded me of how little people know and understand about adoption, unless you’ve experienced adoption first hand, it may seem a little confusing, so I thought I’d explain.

Adoption definition:

Adoption is a process whereby a person assumes the parenting for another and, in so doing, permanently transfers all rights and responsibilities, along with filiation, from the biological parent or parents. Unlike guardianship or other systems designed for the care of the young, adoption is intended to effect a permanent change in status and as such requires societal recognition, either through legal or religious sanction. Historically, some societies have enacted specific laws governing adoption; where others have tried to achieve adoption through less formal means, notably via contracts that specified inheritance rights and parental responsibilities without an accompanying transfer of filiation. Modern systems of adoption, arising in the 20th century, tend to be governed by comprehensivestatutes and regulations.

Practically, what this means is once the final adoption order has been issued (which states that the adoption is declared and the child shall, legally speaking, be recognized as if born from me, in other words, I am her birth mother & Walter her birth father), the adopted child is issued with a new birth certificate with our names as the biological parents and her records are sealed by the department of social services and will only be unsealed after her 18th birthday on request when/if she chooses to go in search of her birth parents.

What this literally means is that Walter and I are their parents in every sense of the word and do not need to ask anyone’s permission to write about or share information about our children. Our children are not “adopted” children, they simply are our children. We are not a family though adoption, we are simply a family. This means that I am a mother, as any other mother and Walter is a father as in any other father. We function as a family as any other family.

Because I choose to share Ava’s life with her birth mom is a testament to my great love & respect for her and has nothing to do with any legal or moral obligation. It is not required in any way.

Our path to family creation may have been different from the norm but we are still just a family like any other family, no different from your family at all.

Do you know what really pisses me off? Feeling robbed by big business! Feeling like we’re being discriminated against by big business because our journey to family creation followed an alternative path. Feeling ignored and side lined by Discovery because we’re forced to conform to their ridiculous policies!

Let me explain….

We have a Discovery health hospital plan. Walter is the main member and Ava and I are dependents on this plan. The week before Hannah’s placement we contacted Discovery to have her added from placement date (24th April) to our HP. After jumping through all the required hoops (signed affidavits from our social worker, certified copies of our ID’s etc etc) we were informed that because we weren’t adding a new born, biological child, we would not be able to activate her membership from date of placement but would only be able to cover her from either the 1st May or have to pay for a full months cover from the 1st of April, even though we only required cover from the 24th of April. This cost us R600 of unnecessary cover because according to Discovery, they don’t offer a prorata rate for adopted children not placed at birth or biological children not being covered from birth. When we returned from Cape Town, we discovered that Hannah had in fact not been added to our HP from the 1st April as we had requested and so Walter had to once again contact them and go through the loong process of explaining our situation before their ripped us a new one and charged for a full months cover, even though we only required cover by that stage for 4 days of the month! Do you know what it’s like to deal with a call center agent about adoption…???

Now just to clarify….

With the change in the child act, the placement from birth of adoptive children is near impossible. The new child act states that the baby needs to be in a place of safety for the duration of the 60 day consent period, thereby making Discovery’s clause null and void. The only time this clause would apply would be for couples who are adopting via the use of a surrogate.

It really isn’t about the R600, but rather the principle of the matter for us. Why should we, because we are infertile and have adopted children, be required to follow a different set of rules than other families? I feel that Discovery SHOULD offer us a pro rata rate for the month of April, they SHOULD relook their policy in this regard and it is wholly unfair and frankly feels like day light robbery, a way of making a quick buck for doing frankly sweet f*ck all!

The only way we were even able to get a response from Discovery was by taking to social media as their call center were unwilling and unable to even offer us an explanation. Their “Executive Relationship Manager” responded with the following email:

Dear Sharon

Thank you for speaking to me earlier.

Please see the following timeline of events regarding the addition of Hannah to your membership:

• We received the application on 16 April 2013
• The application form was captured and checked on the same day and moved to underwriting
• On 17 April 2013 we called for the medical questions to be answered and for the affidavits from the main member and social worker as the adoption process is not yet finalized.
• We received the information on 17 April 2013
• Hannah was activated on your policy on 18 April 2013.

The normal turn around time for an application form to be processed is 4 to 5 working days if no further requirements are called for, therefore the application was processed well within the communicated time.

We received a request for Hannah’s start date to commence on the 24^th of April 2013 (this is when the baby was put into your custody). Discovery Health cannot start a dependent half way through the month unless it is the child’s date of birth and therefore, we activated her effective 1 May 2013.

Mr van Wyk contacted the call center earlier today and changed Hannah’s date of entry to 1 April 2013.

As per our Scheme rules, if the adoption process is not yet finalized we will need affidavits to be completed in order to process the application form. This is to ensure that the members have started the adoption process:

If the adoption is still in process and the baby is not being added from date of birth, then the baby is subject to full underwriting.

These rules are also applicable to members adding their biological children onto the Scheme. The child can be added from their date of birth free of underwriting. If the member selects a different date, full underwriting is applicable.

We would not allow the children to start mid-month and unfortunately cannot pro-rate the premiums.

I have attached a copy of the underwriting protocols to confirm these details.

Kind regards

Genevieve Fredericks

Executive Relationship Manager

Discovery Health

Tel + 27 11 529 4455

Fax + 27 11 539 3291

URL www.discovery.co.za

Does this seem life fair business practice? Does it seem ethical? To take a full months payment when only a few days is required? We responded to the above email last week Wednesday and I’ve had to follow up again this morning using Twitter and email for a response. The response we have received is still UNCLEAR? According to Discovery’s policy, as declared in their email, if the adoption is still not finalized, then we should receive full underwriting. Hannah’s adoption is NOT finalized, so why then are we being charged for the full month of April and not being covered by full underwriting as per THEIR policy detail??

Both Walter and I are getting seriously pissed off with the delay in response from Discovery, we want a clear answer, something which NO ONE at Discovery seems to be able to give us. The call center staff are CLUELESS when it comes to dealing with adoptions, their SM team managing the Twitter account seem to be the only ones who bother to respond, and even then mostly they just ignore me and fob me off with some lame response.

I feel we’re owed an explanation as to why we’re being shafted, up the rear with no lube? Again, I’d like to be clear, it is NOT about the R600 but about how nobody seems to be able to give us a clear answer to two things:

1. How it’s not day light robbery that we’re being forced to pay for a full months cover when only a week’s cover was required?
2. Why we’re not being offered free underwriting as Hannah’s adoption has not been finalized, as per their OWN policies?

Walter is so frustrated and angry that he is on the verge of cancelling our HP with Discover, even though we’ve been with them for more than 12 years and moving onto another scheme.

The response from their “Executive Relationship Manager” this morning was, in a nut shell, if you don’t like it then need to lodge a dispute. We still have not had a straight answer regarding the contradictory nature their policy!

Edited: So after another phone call from Discovery’s Executive Relationship Manager, which saw me explaining the new SA Child Act & why their policy is B.S. and I was answered with silence and had to check that she was in fact still on the line and then fed the message of policy, we’ve looked at our alternatives and Fedhealth comes out the winner. Better hospital plan, better cover, less adoption BS and an almost R7 000 saving per year. Cheers to you Discovery and your “policies”!

The one question I’ve been asked the most during the past couple of weeks, aside from how am I coping, is how Ava has adjusted to having a sibling and I can honestly say, she has been amazing, we are SO very very proud of her.

It’s as if Ava and Hannah have always been destined to be together, they simply adore each other. Hannah will strain her neck to turn in Ava’s direction whenever she hears her voice and will always freely smile at her. Ava cannot get enough of her little sister. She wants to help with everything, from nappy changing to bathing, she is always there and always willing to help. When she gets bored of watching whatever mundane baby task I am performing she will always tell me: “Mama, call me if you need me and I’ll be right here!” Before wandering off to find something more entertaining to do.

She loves Hannah to pieces and proudly announces to everyone and anyone who will listen that she has a baby sister and her name is Hannah and we went on a big green plane to Cape Town to fetch her. She will also not tolerate any jokes about how Hannah’s bum/ears/feet/cheeks are so cute that I just want to bite them, she will immediately tell me that that is her precious baby sister and I may not bite her!  She is always quick to tell us that she will not let anyone hurt her baby sister.

I am so proud of her, we have had no behavioral issues, no tantrums, no jealousy, no acting out or reverting to acting like a baby. No problems at all aside from an increase in her struggle with constipation.  Ava’s battle with constipation has progressed from being a physical issue as a baby to a psychological issue as a child. Any changes to her routine, new environments or emotional upsets and she will instantly become constipated. Over the past 2 weeks, she has really struggled with constipation but at least this is an issue that can be managed with an increase in fruits & bran to her diet and a low dose of daily Dupholac, we’ll see how she goes.

I am so proud of my gorgeous girls!

Mothering a baby the second time around is a lot different… a lot easier… than it was the first time around. I am much calmer and much more confident in my ability to mother a child, in addition, Hannah is 2 months old, so she is past all the new born niggles and is fairly settled into life outside the womb.

The one thing our SW did warn us about was post placement stress on Hannah. I have written about it before, it is a very real phenomenon, all adopted children experience trauma, over and above the normal trauma’s that an infant would experience during birth, an adopted baby will experience trauma and separation and a need to grieve a loss. You can read the original blog post I did about this subject here: Imagine If You Can.

With the changes in the child act and babies being placed in kangaroo care or places of safety for the duration of the 60 day consent period, the post placement stress is further exacerbated as these babies have not had any one to bond with since being separated from their birth mothers. Hannah has been cared for by a group of employee’s and volunteers at her place of safety and while they have all done a fantastic job in loving and caring for her, she has not had the opportunity to form a special bond with any one person.

That is my number one aim while I am on maternity leave, to teach her to trust me, to form a mother/child bond with her. She has shown some stress since coming home and I keep reminding myself that she has been through a lot in her short life. She has experienced the physical loss of her birth mother, she has been moved from the hospital, to a place of safety, to my mother’s house and finally to her home. She has been handled, touched and cared for by a stream of strangers and now it’s my time to show her stability, to show her motherly love and to bond with her.

The way to combat post placement stress on a baby are fairly simple, they just take lots of patience and love but I’ve been practicing them all over the last few days.

• Lots of skin to skin contact
• Limiting the number of people who handle and hold her
• Baby Wearing

I am so chuffed that my parents bought me a See Me Baby Wrap , I’ve been carrying Hannah in one of these for the past couple of days and she loves it. Not only does it help her feel safe and secure, but it holds her face close to me so she can get familiar with my scent and is great at assisting the bonding process.  I’ve also not worn any perfume since her placement so as not to disguise my scent in anyway, to give her an opportunity to get to know me.

If you’re waiting to adopt, I’d highly recommend the use of a baby wrap after placement, they are MUCH more comfortable to wear than a baby sling as the baby’s weight is distributed evenly across your back and shoulders, your baby doesn’t lie at an awkward angle and its much lighter and more comfortable than traditional baby carriers.

She’s here! We’re home! Placement went well, Hannah’s birth mother is AMAZING, I am once again inspired, touched and in awe of another woman’s act of selfless love and bravery.

I have sooooo much I want to tell you but very little time so for now a few pictures will have to do!

Proud Daddy at placement!

First day at home!

Ava cannot get enough of Hannah!

On meeting Hannah Ava announced that she was PERFECT!

I have fallen in love with her too!

Well as ready as any new parents can ever truly be, with just one and a half days left of work for me and 6 more sleepies till we get to meet you, we are physically as ready as we’ll ever be!

Your big sister is dying to meet you! She is so excited, for the plane ride, for the visit to granny’s house but most importantly to finally meet you.

Love you little bird!