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2015 – The year that broke me….

2009 was the toughest year of my life … until 2015. It was the year I had my 4th & 5th IVF’s and my 7th miscarriage. In November of that year, I also had to put my beloved Penelope down. She was a rescue, off an invaded Zim farm and she’d been my baby for only 6 years before we had to make the heart wrenching decision in the midst of recovering from my miscarriage. At the time I remember feeling completely broken and hopeless but the year ended on a high with the totally miraculous and unexpected placement of Ava and that change brought me back from the brink of total collapse.

I thought I’d be living happily ever after, I got my dream and was living my dream life. But that’s just naive isn’t it?

This year has pushed me to the edge of breaking. And with no end in sight, I feel myself tipping off the edge of a cliff and spiraling downwards.

It started on the 3rd of January with the ground floor of our house flooding and it has not let up, I have felt myself being crushed in the vice of insurmountable pressure and in the last few weeks I’ve begun to spiral completely out of control. And I hate it.

In the last two months, the shit that we have gone through is laughable. It was funny initially. Each knock we took, we’d laugh and say how much more can possibly go wrong? But its not funny anymore. I’m literally gripping the remnants of my sanity with white knuckles.

Making the decision to keep Ava back has been far harder on me than I ever could have imagined. Add to that the cost of the specialist educational psychologist and her eye diagnosis and it’s cost a lot of money. In the between all of that, my cars battery died. Then a few days later the alternator packed up. If you know anything about cars, you’ll know, it ain’t cheap. Then Walter’s car got rear ended by a taxi…. R10 000 damage. Then the motor on his rear passenger window went and the window fell in… he drives a frikkin Renault…. it costs a small bloody fortune to repair… more than the taxi damage. Then last week a piece of metal slashed his tyre and the tyre needs to be replace… we don’t have the money so he’s currently driving on the spare and hoping that he doesn’t get another puncture or flat till we’ve had a chance to replace it.

On Wednesday last week, I went to Fourways Crossing at 1pm. I got remote jammed. Luckily I noticed that the car hadn’t locked and after walking around the car repeatedly pressing the remote, it locked and I headed into Pick ‘n Pay. Unaware that I was in fact being targeted, that some fuckers out there had already ear marked my car for stripping and were going to get it at all costs. When I returned to my car, 5 minutes later, it took nearly 10 minutes to get the car unlocked. I panicked. I didn’t know what to do but again after pressing the remote a thousand times the car opened I hopped in and drove away. What I didn’t notice at the time…. the fuckers, in front of car guards and a slew of construction workers had tried to rip the bonnet of my car open using a screw driver or crow bar.. My bonnet is ripped to shreds and the side panel destroyed. R12 000 damage. At the assessment centre on Saturday they informed us that this is common practice on Fortuners and Hilux’s….. the alarm/immobilizer box, sits under the bonnet on the right hand side of the car, they crow bar it open, smash the protective brace, short the circuit, jump in the car and within seconds they drive away. Stripping the parts in a matter of hours. I was “lucky” I disturbed them and they didn’t get the job finished. I’m grateful that I still have my car, I’m grateful that they didn’t shoot me in their foiled attempt to steal my car.

The excess for my car is R3500. The excess for Walter’s car is R3500. Then Walters car got smashed my hail on top of everything else.

I’ve been under a huge amount of pressure work too. Like nothing I’ve experienced in the more than 10 years I’ve been with my employer.

The result?

Panic attacks.

3 in the last two weeks and they’re scary as all hell. It feels like I’m going to die when I’m in the grips of one and they come out of no where. There is no one thing that I can pin point that brings them on. The last one happened on Sunday, while I was lying on my bed preparing for a nap. Nothing specific sparked it. I just started to feel my heart begin to race, I sweat profusely and I can’t breathe. The more I can’t breathe, the more terrified I become the worse the symptoms get. I become paralyzed and sweaty and shaky and unable to breathe, unable to catch my breath.

I’ve come to the realization that my 10mg of Cipralex (which is an anti anxiety/ anti depressant combination) is no longer cutting it for me. I clearly need stronger meds and I definitely feel like I need a tranquilizer for the panic attacks. In fact I’d go so far to say…. I feel like I need a little mental/emotional vacation. I just want to check out for a while, I need a break from what, I’m not even sure. But I just know I’m spiraling and out of control and I can’t cope anymore.

I have never felt so depleted, so low, so broken, in my life and I’ve been through a lot of shit and held up in the past. But this time… this time…. I don’t know if I have what it takes to white knuckle my way through this.

And I certainly can’t take one more of life’s knocks. One more knock could be the very thing that pushes me under.

I am broken. I am finished.I am broke. I don’t know which way to turn. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know …. I don’t know anything anymore except that I can’t continue on this way. Drinking every night to sleep. Panicking and unable to breathe every day.

People talk about depression as the black dog…. For me…. it’s more like a giant python that is slowly crushing the life out of me.

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50 Comments

  • Reply Eileen

    Dear, dear Sharon,
    Hold on, hold on. Can you get medical help with stronger drugs to help you to cope better?
    I have no idea what else to suggest.
    Thinking of you; I too have known crippling times.
    Eileen xo

    November 22, 2015 at 7:22 pm
  • Reply Cassey Toi

    Oh lady, first beeeeeeeeeg hugs. Second, I hope you’re seeing your doc soon. Third, I’m upping my reminders to you till you tell me to stop.

    November 22, 2015 at 7:32 pm
  • Reply Andrea Trauernicht

    All I can do is send you the biggest strongest virtual hug. I’ve been in similar situations with just an endless stream of bad luck. And I wonder what on earth I did to deserve it. But sometime we just have to accept the challenges and realise we are dealt with them for some obscure reason. . Like the at bull about what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.
    The year is nearly over, may 2016 be the best and happiest year for you.
    I feel like you’re a friend after following you since 2012, like I need to send you lots of love and hugs. So please consider yourself hugged and remember, it’s got to end at some point.
    Up the meds and breeeeeathe! Deep breaths!

    To 2016. Cheers xxx

    November 22, 2015 at 7:37 pm
  • Reply Melanie Voordewind

    O Sharon… So so sorry. I’ve been there. Struggling since 2009. Luckely this year it let up. (((Huggs))) I hope end of 2015 will be the end of bad luck for you

    November 22, 2015 at 7:43 pm
  • Reply Wenchy

    I’m crying.

    I understand. I’ve been there. The details are just different.

    I’m truly sorry this is happening to you. I always feel kinda insignificant around you. You are do accomplished. You have lived through do much. You have achieved so much.

    But…. As without worth I may feel when I see you, I know about panic. I know about your skin crawling. I know about feeling like you can’t breathe. On thar very screwed up level, I understand.

    Please do see your doctor. Perhaps you do need additional assistance until you are emotionally stronger I take 60mg of Cymgen a day and 2 x 2mg if Zanor, 3 times a day. Tripeline to try sleep and not be in pain in the morning.

    If, nothing else.

    You are NOT alone.

    November 22, 2015 at 8:14 pm
  • Reply Heather

    Sharon, I don’t know what to say. I think though, if you can come through this you will be stronger for it.

    November 22, 2015 at 8:20 pm
  • Reply Taryn Botha

    I’m so sorry! Thinking of you and sending love xxx

    November 22, 2015 at 8:37 pm
  • Reply carlagabriellesmith

    I’m so sorry to hear about your tough ordeal. Sending lots of hugs and prayers. x

    November 22, 2015 at 9:41 pm
  • Reply Corrina

    Sharon, I read a quote that made me think of you and all that you are going through.
    “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on” – Thomas Jefferson.
    I am sorry that you are feeling this way, but know that you will lift yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on in no time. Sending you positive thoughts from across the sea and hope that you get it all figured out sooner than later xx

    November 22, 2015 at 9:43 pm
  • Reply Rosalind Mitchell

    Big hugs. I’ve also been struggling with Anxiety this year – bloody horrible I agree. I had to ditch the alcohol because it was triggering me. Also had to become a big fan of long baths, meditation and the yoga mat. Take some time for yourself. More hugs.

    November 22, 2015 at 10:48 pm
  • Reply Whimsy

    I think all you can do is pray. You are experiencing many attacks because you are a significant person and the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy. I follow you because I long to have a baby to adopt and like to see your journey. I pray for everything that has been robbed from you to be restored. Blessings.

    November 22, 2015 at 11:39 pm
  • Reply Debs

    I wish I had the right words or even the money to help you! All I know is that everyday, you wake up and you start over. That’s all you can do. You are far stronger than you can see or feel right now. There are so many of us rooting for you, and so many many others that have been through this same nightmare. Try to take one challenge at a time. Looking at them all together would make anyone’s head spin. Go see the doc. Get yourself whole before you look at how to fix anything else. And keep sharing with us, we are all here ready and waiting to help lift you. xx

    November 23, 2015 at 8:29 am
  • Reply Maryna

    Oh no, Sharon! I’m so sorry to read about all of this. xxx

    November 23, 2015 at 8:29 am
  • Reply catjuggles

    Oh Sharon – I wish I can do something to help but just know I am thinking of you. And that I understand- I think a lot of us have year like this – even poor Queen Elizabeth had one. (Now I hop you smile). Lots of love (and believe me I do understand about medical costs – L’s monthly cost every month for meds, OT and contact lenses – forget all the doctors, is R26500

    November 23, 2015 at 8:32 am
    • Reply catjuggles

      Oh heavens – thankfully a type o – R2560 – but hell, it feels so much more when you are in that self payment gap

      November 23, 2015 at 8:34 am
  • Reply nunu5

    Terribly sorry for all the bad luck

    Get the help you need there is nothing wrong with not coping in the midst of such caos. With the Silly season arriving the pressure can only get worse.

    November 23, 2015 at 10:33 am
  • Reply Susan

    Sorry to hear all that you are going though, anxiety is the pits medication is good but coping mechanisms even better. Do a search on mindfulness and download some apps to get you in the right direction. I have found it has really helped me practically, I will also pray for you for peace, grace, wisdom and strength.

    November 23, 2015 at 7:53 pm
  • Reply wobbly02

    Sending lotsa virtual hugs and love and hope these things all work out for the best for you! Lets kick 2015 to the curb and heres to a better brighter 2016

    November 24, 2015 at 9:41 am
  • Reply Cindy

    Oh no Sharon, that’s flipping awful. I really don’t have anything to say to help, but I’m thinking of you lots. You are strong – probably one of the strongest women I know – you will over come this and it will all be OK.

    November 24, 2015 at 12:35 pm
  • Reply Tracy Kensey

    So sorry Sharon..Dr it has to be for temporary assistance. I too, have been through this mill and it conquered me finally. Mentally, Emotionally, Physically & Financially. ‘You’re doing too much’ they said. I had to learn by ‘Life IS the leveller’, sacrifice my income, reduce all expenses and give to the family I had always wanted. Did I need to be the one presenting….? Did I need to be the one heading up the fundraiser? Did I need to be creating/designing …I loved it, I was good at it and I didnt want to disappoint. My health took it the worst. Stress is destructive. I’ve now had the 2nd disc replacement, back op 13 Nov, Sept diagnosed with LupusSLE, Fibromialgia. Body has arthritis, hands battle. I’ll be on meds for life..a handful a day. I wish you would consider reducing your load but I daren’t make suggestions. Hang in there. Luv ya. Tracy xx

    November 25, 2015 at 1:41 pm
  • Reply Sell crazy some place else… we’re all stocked up here!

    […] Last week I shared how 2015 has been a very unkind year to me and how I was really struggling to cope. […]

    November 29, 2015 at 9:39 pm
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