Confession, I have searched and searched the internet for traces of our BM but have never been able to find her, not even on Facebook. I’m not sure what I hope to achieve by finding her, I guess mostly, I just want to know that she is ok and that in spite of Ava’s placement, she is able to live a happy life.
Last Sunday, after a beautiful mother’s day message from her, sent via our SW, I once again went in search of her. I’ve been friends with our SW on Facebook for about a year now and for some reason, last Sunday, the first place I decided to look was in my SW’s friends list on Facebook. I was gobsmacked! There she was, smiling so beautifully and so warmly in her profile picture. My first reaction was to burst into tears!
I’m sure only other adoptive parents will understand this, but I miss her. I fantasize about talking to her, face to face, meeting up and having a good catch up. I’d love to hear from her how she is doing, how the last two years have been for her. I’d love to tell her all about Ava and how Ava is doing. I’d love to show her what a beautiful little girl Ava has become. I’ve always had this secret fantasy that perhaps she reads my blog. That perhaps it’s of some comfort to her knowing that Ava is ok, that she is a happy, thriving little girl.
I would, of course, never contact her out of a deep respect for her wishes and the choices that she has made. I just wouldn’t. I wouldn’t send her a message on Facebook or try to add her as a friend. Somehow that just feels like it would be crossing a boundary. But seeing her on Facebook last week deeply affected me. It made me both so happy and at the same time so sad.
I told my parents and a few friends about my discovery and their reactions surprised me and reminded of just how misunderstood adoption is by those who have not walked the adoption path. My parents were horrified. Terrified that I would either try and contact her or she would try and contact me. I had the same response from friends. They were even more shocked when I told them my (now not so) secret fantasy about her reading my blog.
What if she tried to contact me? My response: yes, so what would happen if she did try to contact me? Seriously? What would happen? Nothing! It would not change our circumstances in anyway, it would not affect our family, it would not change our family. It’s not like her knowing where to find me would mean that Ava was any less my daughter, our daughter. It’s not like her knowing where to find me would suddenly mean that my family was under threat or that we were at risk of loosing our child. So so what really?
And it was then that it struck me just how much my own notions about adoption had changed. When we started the process, a BM that has an open adoption suggested to me that we look into it. And I flat our refused! No way in hell I was going to share MY child. I felt terribly threatened by birth mom’s. I wanted no openness what so ever!
Then we met our beautiful BM and went through the process and my thoughts and notions about it all changed. I learned that BM’s love their children they place for adoption, I learned that they felt as afraid of me and threatened by me as I was of them. I learned that adoption is the most beautiful, selfless act of love on the part of the BM and for that they deserve our unconditional love and respect and for that I will never withheld information from our BM anymore than I believe she would want to interfere in our family.
So really, does finding her on Facebook change anything? No.
Would her reading my blog be as catastrophic as some people would think? No.
It’s amazing how much this process has opened my eyes and my heart and changed so many preconceived notions I had about both motherhood and birth mothers.