7 Years…..

Posted in Infertility by

Today marks the exact start point of my journey through infertility. Today, 7 years ago, I woke up to the sound of my alarm going for work, I had a stretch, rubbed my pregnant belly, smiled and climbed out of bed. It was then that I noticed the blood running down my legs and when I turned to look at the bed, the blood that stained the sheet. It was then that I knew that we’d lost baby Zoe (too early to know if it was a girl  but W and I always referred to her as Zoe).  It was in that moment that I changed never to be the old Sharon ever again. It was in that very instant that my infertility journey began.

A lot has changed during the last 7 years, I’ve changed allot, some of it good some of it not so good. The early years of my infertility were unbearably painful, I can honestly say that infertility became easier to cope with once I crossed the 6 year barrier, before that, it was excruciating and all consuming. I remember, after my second or third miscarriage, when we’d been trying for about 2 years, I remember one of my friends trying to offer me comfort by telling me of her Mom’s history. How her mom had suffered 5 miscarriages in 5 years before going on to having 5 healthy children. I remember looking at this friend and thinking that I’d die if that were me. That I’d die if I had to walk this path for even another year, never mind 5 years, that I’d die if I had to suffer through another miscarriage, never mind another 3 miscarriages.

Well isn’t life funny, the very things I thought would kill me made me stronger, I lived through my worst nightmares and those nightmares where offered up to me in the extreme. Not only did I survive 5 years of infertility, I survived 7 years, we’re into our 8th year trying. Not only did I survive 5 miscarriages, I went on to survive 6 miscarriages as well as 3 full IVF failures, granted, my last miscarriage did almost kill me, but I survived.

As I look back on the past 7 years I can honestly say, its 7 years I NEVER want over again. I’m grateful for the way that this struggle has grown me and I’m grateful for the beautiful friends I’ve made along the way, but I do not want to live through another one of those excruciatingly painful moments ever again.

Had baby Zoe gone to full term, had she been born, she would have been 6 years old by now, she’d be finishing her first year of school. I want to live my life without regrets but there are certain things I’d change if I could, infertility and the loss of all those pregnancies would definitely be top of the list!

Till we meet again my baby girl!

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14 Comments

  • Reply Lea White

    Wow, 7 years. It must seem like an eternity to you. Lots of hugs, prayers and thoughts, I pray that number 8 will be YOUR year!

    September 12, 2009 at 6:30 am
  • Reply Rach

    Oh honey, I hear you.

    7 years. When I first started trying there is no way I would have thought it would take more than a year to get knocked up, no matter 7 years. After the first couple of years I would never have guessed that 10 years after we started we’d still be trying, I’d have called you crazy!

    If our first miscarriage hadn’t happened, our child, would have been 7 in May just gone, scary when you think about it and heartbreaking all rolled into one.

    Big hugs and I reckon 8 is going to be your year!

    xxxx

    September 12, 2009 at 7:47 am
  • Reply Chantal

    My Dear Friend Sharon

    Words cannot describe the pain that you have suffered during these seven years that you have been through one hell of a journey. I am very grateful to God for my two beautiful girls, that yes at the best of times drive me to drink! It saddens me to think how you suffer just to fall pregnant and how some women can just pop them out by the second – how a natural thing can be the biggest lesson you have to endure in this life.

    You are an amazing woman and you are an amazing mom and you will be an amazing mom. Persevere my friend your day will come and all of this will be a distant memory – and hold on to the day when you will hold that precious baby in your arms.

    All I can say is that I will carry on praying for you to carry to full term and all will be well. Stay strong as you have been and little Zoe is watching over you and smiling and saying to you “Mom things will work out you will see”.

    I know that we are only neighbours but I admire the strength you received and you are a true role model to women out there that just give up – Don’t stop trying your day will come.

    Love Chantal xxxxx

    September 12, 2009 at 8:14 am
  • Reply Kirsty

    Hugs Sharon!!!
    Please don’t read my blog today, kay? It’s in complete contrast to yours x-x

    September 12, 2009 at 8:15 am
  • Reply WiseGuy

    Oh Zoe…you are so missed!

    I am so sorry that you had to walk this path, Sharon….I do not care about the emerging-stronger part or something…it should never have happened…that’s all.

    Many hugs.

    September 12, 2009 at 8:37 am
  • Reply CeCe Garrett

    You, my dear, are in my thoughts and heart daily… and in my prayers today more than most days. I don’t have anything of great worth to say.. my words wouldn’t be enough. Just know that I think you are amazing.

    September 12, 2009 at 9:07 am
  • Reply Ann

    Sending loads and loads of love
    xxx

    September 12, 2009 at 2:45 pm
  • Reply Invivo

    Thinking of you babes. I truly believe you are meant to be a mom and will keep praying for that day to arrive, speedily.

    May you find comfort and strength for the journey ahead.

    Praying with all my might that your upcoming FET will bring good news.

    Take care of yourself.

    Luv,

    M

    September 12, 2009 at 5:45 pm
  • Reply monica lemoine

    WOW, amazing, Shaz. I think it’s good to pause and take stock from time to time, as you’re doing here – just to look at what you’ve been through and how you’ve changed. I wonder what it is about the 6-year mark; if that’s some kind of psychological threshold that people cross. All of those losses and disappointments you’ve had; I can’t imagine them not making you stronger. Although, the very fact that you can look back and see how strength has stemmed from those experiences, I think, just shows how strong you already were from the beginning. 🙂

    September 12, 2009 at 9:26 pm
  • Reply Yvonne

    I’m so sorry Shaz. I desperately wish there was something I could do to help this process..to hurry it along… but in the meantime I’m still here, checking in on you and cheering from the sidelines. It will happen, and I really hope it’s SOON!

    xx

    September 12, 2009 at 10:48 pm
  • Reply Pamela

    You are an amazingly strong woman, someone I admire very much. Wishing you much peace and strength.

    September 13, 2009 at 3:33 am
  • Reply Tamara

    Strength to you – Never give up, but take a break from the pain if you can and decide to only try again in 6 months from now…. maybe your universe needs a break…. Praying for your happiness xxx

    September 13, 2009 at 4:08 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    I’m sorry for the sad anniversary. You certainly are a survivor! You are amazing.

    September 13, 2009 at 10:48 pm
  • Reply abs

    Sharon, I’m sorry I didn’t see your post sooner. You have endured so much. You will be in my prayers every night until you get the happy ending you deserve. sending you huge hugs filled with special love xx

    September 14, 2009 at 8:55 am
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