Today marks the exact start point of my journey through infertility. Today, 7 years ago, I woke up to the sound of my alarm going for work, I had a stretch, rubbed my pregnant belly, smiled and climbed out of bed. It was then that I noticed the blood running down my legs and when I turned to look at the bed, the blood that stained the sheet. It was then that I knew that we’d lost baby Zoe (too early to know if it was a girl but W and I always referred to her as Zoe). It was in that moment that I changed never to be the old Sharon ever again. It was in that very instant that my infertility journey began.
A lot has changed during the last 7 years, I’ve changed allot, some of it good some of it not so good. The early years of my infertility were unbearably painful, I can honestly say that infertility became easier to cope with once I crossed the 6 year barrier, before that, it was excruciating and all consuming. I remember, after my second or third miscarriage, when we’d been trying for about 2 years, I remember one of my friends trying to offer me comfort by telling me of her Mom’s history. How her mom had suffered 5 miscarriages in 5 years before going on to having 5 healthy children. I remember looking at this friend and thinking that I’d die if that were me. That I’d die if I had to walk this path for even another year, never mind 5 years, that I’d die if I had to suffer through another miscarriage, never mind another 3 miscarriages.
Well isn’t life funny, the very things I thought would kill me made me stronger, I lived through my worst nightmares and those nightmares where offered up to me in the extreme. Not only did I survive 5 years of infertility, I survived 7 years, we’re into our 8th year trying. Not only did I survive 5 miscarriages, I went on to survive 6 miscarriages as well as 3 full IVF failures, granted, my last miscarriage did almost kill me, but I survived.
As I look back on the past 7 years I can honestly say, its 7 years I NEVER want over again. I’m grateful for the way that this struggle has grown me and I’m grateful for the beautiful friends I’ve made along the way, but I do not want to live through another one of those excruciatingly painful moments ever again.
Had baby Zoe gone to full term, had she been born, she would have been 6 years old by now, she’d be finishing her first year of school. I want to live my life without regrets but there are certain things I’d change if I could, infertility and the loss of all those pregnancies would definitely be top of the list!
Till we meet again my baby girl!