Tag Archives: friends

Posted in Mindful Meanderings

A Reason, A Season, A Friendship Post

Comments:5 Comments

I read an interesting article sometime last week and wanted to link back to it on this post but for the life of me I now can’t find the link. The gist of the article was that friendships run in cycles and that for most people, there friendship circle will change approximately every 7 years.

I’m the kind of girl who simply cannot get by without a little help from her friends, I’ve always had girlfriends, lots of friends, lots of close friends.

Aside from my oldest friend, my room mate when I was in college and whom I’ve been friends with for 22 years, this article has really rung true for me.

Susan & Sharon

Susan and I have been through a lot together. We’ve been through the teenage angst of first loves, first marriages and first divorces. The loss of parents, turning 21, turning 30 and now turning 40. We don’t speak often and now live thousand’s of km’s apart. But whenever I’m in Cape Town, we always get together and we always pick up right where we left off as though we’ve never been apart.

When I look back at the various stages of my life, I can see how my circle of friends was influenced by the stage of life I was in. In my early 20′s I had johling buddies. Friends I partied with, friends who I shared hang overs with, heartbreaks of failed relationships, disappointments over guys who promised to call and then never did.

Then I got married and my circle of friends changed and following my divorce my circle of friends changed again. After I moved to Jo’burg, my circle of friends once again changed. Then I started to struggle with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss and Walter and I went through a lonely time of no friendships, just the two of us as all of our friends were starting families and there was no longer the right, or comfortable fit.

It took sometime but once again we established a new circle of friends, infertile friends, friends who understood us and our journey. After Ava-Grace’s placement, we once again had to establish a new circle of friends, once again finding ourselves not fitting with our then current circle of friends.

Some of the cycles of friendship did not just end, some of them fizzled out and just faded away, others ended abruptly and painfully.

All of these friendship cycles mentioned above ran in 7 year increments. Of course there are friendships that have withstood the sands of time, have upheld under new or differing circumstances, like my friendship with Susan and a handful of other friends from my 20′s and my 30′s and friends from my years of infertility, Elize and Chantal.

Elize Sharon Chantal
My social schedule has been very busy the last few week’s and this weekend, while enjoying a boozy Sunday afternoon lunch, I was struck by how blessed I am to be moving into a new friendship cycle. Through Ava and her school, I’ve made some new and amazing friends.
Interesting friends, mommy friends, goth friends, tattoo’d friends, mothering post infertility friends, editor friends, journalist friends, SAHM friends & expat’s living in SA friends.
Again I find myself in a new season of friendship and I’m feeling so truly blessed for the people who surround me and who make sober evenings entertaining or boozy lunches enjoyable.
So a reason, a season or a lifetime? It doesn’t really matter too me, what matters is the here and the now and enjoying life in this moment and with these friends.

 

 

Posted in motherhood

Baby Shower Shots…..

Comments:9 Comments

So here are just a few of the literally hundreds of shots taken at my baby shower:

Sam did the most amazing job, every detail was covered, right down to the pink and lavender butterflies (same as Ava’s bedroom):

Table Decor 1

Table Decor 2

Even the cupcakes matched the theme:

The Cupcakes

And check out all those presents, Ava sure is one spoiled little girl… just the way we like it! :-)

Presents

Of course, the main attraction was Ava, I don’t actually think any of my family or friends cared that I was even there! :-)

Attention Ava

What is it about a babyjpg

Here are all my girls and my Mommy of course!

The girls

My Mom and I have become even closer since Ava’s arrival, she loves Ava as much, if not more, as she loves me!

Mommy & Mejpg

Not to be forgotten, W was also there and was also given a gift, a Dad’s Nappy Changing Survival Kit!

Ws gift

Of course, I had to show him what the tongs were REALLY meant for!

assing around

Oh, and just cos I can…. here’s a shot of the ring my wonderful husband spoiled me with to commemorate Ava’s miraculous arrival in our lives:

The ring

Once again, to all my special friends and family, a huge thank you for making this time so incredibly special and for spoiling us the way you have. But most importantly, thank you a million times over for loving Ava the way that you do and recognizing the miracle that she is for all of us.

Love u guys!!!

Posted in Infertility

Show The Love

Comments:3 Comments

In the words of the very wise Mel from Stirrup Queens -

Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

In the spirit of offering comfort and support, please go and give my very special friend, Sam, a big virtual hug. She needs our love and support. Today was beta day after IVF #3. It should have been a happy day, full of promise for the future, instead its turned into every infertiles worst nightmare. And no, the answer is far worse than a BFN, its a chemical pregnancy. A BFN is a definite NO. Not a not now answer that leaves one with more questions than answers.

I’m so very sorry my friend! Its just unbelievably unfair! There is nothing else to say except we’re hear for you. So if you want to go eat some Sushi and drink some wine, I’m totally down with that! ;-)

Posted in Questions About Infertility

One Issue @ A Time

Comments:15 Comments

When I had my last miscarriage – shockingly, almost 3 years ago now – I went through something equally crushing. I learned the devastation of having my best friends turn their backs on me and walk and ignore my excruciating pain. For a very long time I festered and thought and analyzed and talked and obsessed about what was done to me. About what I could have done differently, about what I’d say to those two women if I was ever given the chance.

When one of them emailed me about a year after all was said and done, with an apology, I even posted about it on an Infertility Support Forum this is was I posted, this will give you some insight into what I’m referring to:

Girls, I’m so sorry, I’m monopolizing the forum today, but I need help, something I’ve dreamed about for a year and a half has just happened and I’m so shocked and sad all over again…………
Let me start at the beginning! Sorry for those of you who have heard this story a thousand times, but please understand, the reason I always mention it is because I’ve never made peace with it, its something that still haunts and hurts me. Its something that still makes me cry when I allow myself to think about it, anyway, here goes:

In November 2006 my one BF (lets call her I)phoned to tell me she was pregnant, I was absolutely crushed! I phoned my other BF (we’ll call her A) to talk to her, have a sounding board, just somebody to share my raw emotion with.
Anyway, the following day A phones me to tell me she’s just found out she’s pregnant as well.
You can imagine, I thought I was going to loose my mind, I didn’t want to think what lay ahead, we are always all together, the three of us girls and our DH’s are all best buds as well, so I knew that hell was lying ahead of me. But I tried to prepare myself as best as possible.
The following week I got my 6th BFP! I was ecstatic!!! We all were, three BF’s, our due dates were for I 29 June, for A 6 July and for me 8 July. We were planning our maternity leaves together, how our babies were going to be BF’s, the works. They went for there 6wk scans and all was peachy, they described the heart beats everything, I was so excited to finally finally be a part of this to be able to participate was amazing! I went for my 6wk scan – no heartbeat, foetus the size of a 5wk pregnancy. The next day I miscarried. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I did not know how I was going to not only survive my own mc, but survive watching my BF’s have babies and know every single step of the way where I should have been, how big my baby should have been, when my baby should have been born.
I notified them via sms of my mc as I was too distraught to speak to anyone. Friend I IGNORED my sms, she never bothered to make any contact with me, other than to send an email one week later to say she was sorry to hear I’d had a bad scan!!!!!!! My baby is dead and you’re sorry about a bad scan???!!! This friend I being the very same friend who’s cat had been run over 3 months previously. This same friend who I’d rushed to her house, I’d cleaned the blood off the pavement, picked upt he cats dead body, disposedof it for her, went shopping for her and spent a weekend sleeping at her house with her to keep her company after the loss of her cat and she can’t even acknowledge the loss of my baby!!!!!!!!! I was so hurt, but little did I know that worse was still to come.
Two weeks after my mc, I was still bleeding, friend A phones me the one day to tell me and I quote “Sharon, the world does not revolve around you, get over yourself, my pregnancy is just as important and you’re putting a dampner on it”!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was stunned, I did not know what to say or how to react, I simply retreated into myself. They systematically shut me out after that. No longer were DH and I invited to join in on evenings out nothing. They just went dead quiet as if they no longer existed, as if our friendship had never been anything. This has haunted me for a year and a half, for a year and a half I have thought about this every single day of my life, I have cried too many tears to remember over this, the words still ring in my ears, the hurt still stings and burns every day of my life. I have fantasizedabout what I would say if I ever saw them again, if they ever made contact with me again. I have thought about this moment every single day for a year and a half. I’ve lain awake at night thinking about this and this is the email I received today:

Quote:
Dear Sharon,

I know you must be very surprised with this e-mail and possibly upset, but I want to assure you that this mail is not meant to upset you in any way.

This e-mail is also not intended to mend our past friendship.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately and I strongly feel that it isn’t right to leave things the way I did.

For the first time in my life I have a better understanding of what I think you might be going through. I can not begin to imagine how suffocating it must be to want to be a parent so badly, but not having that dream come true. And I now understand how something like that can be the source of so many different emotions, especially when your friends don’t really understand and babies are just popping out everywhere around you. The self doubts, disappointment, resentment, envy and pure heart ache.

I am sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most and I am sorry about so many things that was said and done. I do believe we both had a share in things that was said and done, and I have fully forgiven you and I have forgiven myself and I hope you have done the same.

I really mean everything in this mail from the bottom of my heart and I would never want to cause you one minute of unhappiness.

Sharon, we miss our frienship withyou guys immensely, but I know we are not good for each other. But I want you to know that I do think back on the good times we shared and I am grateful to have known you. You are both amazing people. I truly hope all your dreams come true and wish you only the best.

Kind Regards,

And now I dont’ know what to do or what to say??????????? But I feel like I’m going to be overcome with grief and pain all over again. Please somebody tell me what to do or say because I don’t know how to do this.

 
This is my response:
 
Quote:
Dear A

Surprised is an understatement; stunned is probably a better word. Although I’m not really sure why, but I always suspected this day would come. Your email has been like having a plaster ripped off a very painful oozing bleeding wound and has drudged up all the hurt, sadness, devastation and disappointments of the passed year, I cried the whole way home from work today.
I could not respond immediately for a number of reasons, firstly because I didn’t know how and because I needed sometime to think about exactly what I was going to say. I have restarted this email about 10 times already.

My initial reaction was to simply reply that I had forgiven you and moved on, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I have more to say than just that. Firstly because my initial response sounded harsh and secondly because I know I’m partly to blame for what happened because I never allowed anybody to see how truly raw my emotions over my infertility and countless miscarriages were and perhaps if I had done that my two best friends would have reacted with some level of compassion, but I couldn’t do that, I was afraid to bare my soul and let you and friend I see how deep my hurt ran.
But it’s a little over a year and a lot of water under the bridge for me. So let me start off by telling you what I’ve been through in the passed year:
1. 2 failed adoption attempts
2. 3 Failed Artificial Inseminations
3. 1 Failed Invitro Fertilization – pre genetic testing done on our embryo’s and all of them had Patua’s Syndrome (Trisomy 18)
4. 1 Failed Immune Modification IVF where I went through hell and spent weeks being injected 2 times a day and walking around covered in the most painful purple bruises on my thighs, stomach and bum
5. 1 Cancelled IVF – after going through all hell of egg retrievals and medications, my eggs didn’t fertilize and the treatment was cancelled.
6. A hysterosalpingogram – an incredibly painful X-Ray that entails local anesthesia onto my cervix and dye being injected vaginally into my uterus and fallopian tubes while fully conscious
7. An office hysteroscopy again involving an anesthesia onto my cervix
8. More blood test than most human beings will have in a life time, including DNA and Genetic testing that involve drawing BOTTLES of blood and not viles blood.
9. Additional Surgery with a partial tubal ligation
10. An inflammatory reaction to my surgery and being hospitalized
11. Witnessing the birth of my second nephew on the anniversary of my miscarriage (21 November)

I went through all of that with no best friend for comfort or support, with only my incredibly strong husband to carry me through, so I mean this with the greatest respect when I say this, but I don’t think you can have any understanding of what the passed 6 years have been like. The only people who can understand this are people who have experienced this and I would NEVER wish this on even my worst enemy. I live most women’s worst nightmare every day of my life. I live with the memory of lost babies, it has fundamentally changed who I am forever and ever. I can never go back and be the person I was 6 years ago, my heart and soul have been scarred for eternity. But its not all bad, there are many things I’m grateful for. My infertility has made me stronger, braver, kinder and more compassionate than I ever dreamed possible. I am proud of the person I am today.

But I do want to tell you this as well. What happened between you and friend I and I nearly killed me. It broke my spirit for a very long time. What you both did hurt me almost as much as loosing my babies There has not been a single day go by in the passed year where I have not thought about you and friend I and what happened. I have questioned time and again how this could happen, how when I needed my two best friends the most, they weren’t there for me. I don’t think you can ever imagine how much having you and friend I just cut me out hurt me.

But I have forgiven you both and moved on. What is done is done and in the passed.

I thank God everyday for my incredible husband and our truly strong marriage as I’m sure a lot of marriages would have crumbled under the strain of what we’ve been through in the passed few years. But instead we stand stronger together than ever before.

My greatest regret is that DH has lost his best friend in the process and I would give anything to change that for him.
But life goes on and we’ve moved and are standing at the door of a very exciting new life for ourselves.
I wish you nothing but good things and hope that you can do the same for DH and I.

Thank you for giving me this opportunity to purge some hurt and emotion that I’ve kept inside for far too long! The sense of relief and freedom I feel after typing this email is immense, I feel like I’ve been set free from a very heavy burden that I’ve carried for too long.

Kind Regards

Sending this email gave me a certain amount of closure, but really the best healer is time……..

So it was a total surprise when last week out of the blue, this ex-friend SMS’d me with Birthday wishes, kind of surprising when you think that 3 years have past, but what was even more surprising is my reaction to it. Nothing! Niks! Nada! I’m so pleased that this chapter of my life is over, that I’m free of this, that I’m no longer bound by the hurt & sadness of this poisonous friendship, of what is in the past.

Another hurdle over come, another door closing and perhaps a new one opening?

Posted in Infertility

Mojito Club Is Born

Comments:14 Comments

Since starting out on this journey and living through some of the worst case scenario’s that are possible when one battles infertility, I’ve always felt that this journey was going to change my life in someway. And of course it has changed my life, its changed me. And of course it would change anyone, but this isn’t the only changes  I think about.

Its just an instinct and I don’t know when or how or what yet, but I feel like my journey will change the direction my life has taken, that an opportunity is going to present itself somewhere along the line for me to do something greater with my experience of infertility, something that will help others, something that will mean something. I don’t know if this is making any sense, I don’t really understand it myself, its just an instinct, a feeling, but as a result, I always have my eyes peeled for whatever this opportunity is.

So last night Sam & I continued on the the tradition we’ve started, whenever one of our IF buddies receives bad news, we rally around them, organize flowers or something similar and then we have a get together, the two of us with who ever has received bad news, sadly last night, it was Sian’sturn. We then offer our pearls of wisdom/assvice, depending on how you look at it and assist in helping the poor soul get comfortably sozzled. Last night, the attempt included 3 bottles of wine, 1x Tequila and 3x Jelly Baby Shots. It was during this session that I came up with a fantastic idea….

Why are Sam & I offering this service for free when we could create a revenue stream from it!!! After some discussion, we decided on the following:

You would need to pay a Registration fee, to join the Mojito Club. Once your application to the club was approved, you would then pay a month membership fee. Then when experiencing a rough patch along your IF journey, you would call in the two presidents of the Mojito Club, you could pick a gift from a list of gifts, including wine, cheese baskets, flowers or chocolates as well as a venue for the get together. Said two presidents would arrive at the venue of your choice, bringing with the gift you’ve chosen. All drinks at the event would of course be paid for by yourselves. After presentation of your complimentary gift, President Sam would dazzle you with her humour and have you laughing and President Shaz would be there as the shoulder to cry on and also to share in the tears given who incredible talent to cry on demand. All of this while enjoying the drinks for your account. However, we do guarantee the following:

* loads of assvice

* a good laugh

* a good cry

* an escape even just for a short while

* a few photo’s of the event, potentially also including a celeb of some sort

* and most importantly the mother of all hang overs the following day!

Last night, we did yet another fantastic job, both President Sam and President Shaz are in recovery today and Sian is suitably hung over after a fabulous night out. We had just a blast that after some dutch courage, and attempting to act cool when noticing Brian Habana in the very same restaurant, we convinced President Sam to head on over and ask for a photo with the rugby hero, here are the fruits of the evening:

Brian with Mojito Club

For enquiries into membership of the Mojito Club, please leave a comment and we’ll get back to you.

Now head on over and go give Sian a hug.

Posted in Infertility

The People We Meet Along The Way

Comments:6 Comments

Lets be honest, infertility is hard, like any hardship or trial in life, its tough and if I had a choice I’d choose not to go through this. I’d choose not to battle for so many years, I’d choose not to loose 6 precious little babies alone the way. But there is one thing I would always choose, that is the love and support of the most incredible women that I’ve met along this journey. Every now and again something happens that reminds me of just how fortunate I am to be able to share my life with some of the most incredible women from all over the world.

Yesterday, on Mother’s Day, I received yet another reminder of how incredibley blessed I am to know these warrior women. My friend CeCe is going through a rough time herself at the moment, she’s staring down the barrel of a cancelled IVF cycle, so aside from dealing with all the emotions that go along with that, yesterday must have hurt for her too, for while she’s blessed with a beautiful little girl, she too knows the ache of the loss of a baby and yet, she took the time to send me the most beautiful message on Face Book, a message that brought tears to my eyes but a message that was like a little bit of salve for my soul, here is what she said:

I am SO sure that one day soon, you will be celebrating this day with a child of your own. Its not something I can explain, but it IS something I know. I know that today, you feel like Hannah… who went ages without bearing a child. Have you read her story in the Bible? Anyways.. I wanted to give you something and since you live so far away and I can’t take you out for a glass of wine? I am giving you something to keep… until you can pass it on to your child.

A letter to Sharon’s child.

Dear sweet baby,

I want you to know a few things about why your Mommy is so special today. Most mommies celebrate Mother’s Day by getting a card, some flowers, a nice dinner out… never knowing what a true gift each day is with their kids. Your mom, however, is SO very different. She prayed each day for you. She asked God for a baby for a long long time. And God knew your Mommy was so special, that not just any child would do. When God made you and knitted you into Mommy’s womb, he took each prayer for you… the ones prayed by Mommy, Daddy and all of the women your Mommy’s heart touched in the time she was waiting and God made you to fit each prayer. See? you are SO lucky to have your Mommy… because of her, you have been blessed long before you were placed in her arms. You may be a wee young baby today, but you have lived in her heart forever. Little one, you are a an answered prayer… a living breathing answered prayer. Rest now and know that no one deserves you more than your Mommy.

CeCe

(keep your head up and know that you are loved, held and being prepared for a lifetime career in motherhood. I love you.)

CeCe, you are a truly amazing women, in the midst of your own sadness and pain, you still find the time & energy to be so loving and supportive of so many others. Please can I ask all my readers to hold CeCe up in prayer today and pray that all will go well with what remains of her IVF cycle.

Love ya Girl!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

She Ain’t Heavy She’s My Sister

Comments:13 Comments

There are times in life where the people you meet along the way make the journey so worthwhile. My infertility journey is exactly that. I have made friends along the way who have not only lightened my fertility load but have made the journey far more bearable. People come into our lives for a reason, a season and a lifetime. My hope is that these women will be more than just a reason or a season, only time will tell. But for the here and now, we are united by our single goal of beating infertility and making it to the other side. We’re each others cheerleaders and comforters and I think I speak for all of us when I say that the love and support we offer each other helps get us through some of the darkest days.

Last night we had one of our regular get togethers, a dinner at a local restaurant, all of us in varying stages of planning and prepping for a year of treatment or with big decisions to make about where to from here. The evening started off tamely enough but I can honestly say I was fairly sozzled by the time it ended 8 bottles of wine and I dunno how many Mojito’s later. So much for my healthy eating plan, it all flew out of the window after only one glass of wine last night.

Here’s the whole Get-Along-Gang

 sv400034

The Evil Twins – not only do Sam and I share a birthday, we also share the same thoughts and feelings on almost everything and have an uncanny way of knowing what the other is thinking before anything has been said.

sv400033

My Soul Sister Elize – who’s friendship and support helped me through a very dark period when I thought I had no one in my corner.

sv400031

I had a blast last night, thanks Sam, Tam, Maritza, Chantal, Elize, Adelé & Sian

See you all at our next date on the 7th!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Two Years Today

Comments:27 Comments

 

miscarriage-remeberance1 

Its been two years since  I was last pregnant, its been two years since I lay on the bed in my Dr’s office, having one of many LOVELY dildo cam scans, hearing him sigh and his shoulders droop and just knowing what was coming. Hearing him say: “The baby has stopped growing” and feeling myself turn ice cold. Two years since I walked out of his office in a total daze, having the full realization of what he just said hit me, having my legs buckle underneath me just as I got into the center of a packed waiting room. Hearing the whispers as I sobbed uncontrollably in a waiting room of infertile couples. Two years since the realization I was going to have to face my worst fear for the 6th time in 4 years

Its been two years since I learnt how much my “friends” could hurt me. When contacting my two pregnant best friends to tell them the news, having one of them, we’ll call her E, not even respond, she simply acted as if nothig had happened, as if I hadn’t just received the shattering news that my baby was dead. And my other friend, we’ll call her A, ask me if there wasn’t something the Dr’s could do? Um, well unless you have the potion to create and “undead” baby then I’m afraid there is nothing anybody can do.

Of all my miscarriages my 6th miscarriage was by far the most painful in every aspect. Not just because of what I’ve described above. But because shortly after those exchanges, my friend A would tell me that the world does not revolve around me and my miscarriage and that I should “get over myself” and then her and E wouldsystematically go about cutting both W and I from there lives. It was like I ceased to exist, like my pain never counted and that we’d never been part of their lives. Whenever somebody talks about painful experiences, this is the first thing that comes to my mind. Not my painful divorce from my abusive, cheating ex-husbandor the many hurtful situations with my brother or any of the other painful experiences I’ve had, this is the one that has scarred me forever.

Its this situation that caused my obsession with fertility treatments last year. Its this situation that made me push my husband, myself, my body and our finances to breaking point. It was this situation that made me, month after month, force my body through some kind of fertility treatment despite how sick I felt, despite how miserable my husband was, despite how broke we were, I did not care, I had one thought and one thought only: “I have got to be pregnant before their babies are born” (15 June & 25 June). It was the only thing I could think of, the only thing I felt that would get me through the trauma I knew lay ahead of me. The only way I felt I could cope with passing the due date (5 July) of the baby we’d lost. The only way I could feel that I was not a failure, that I was worthy of motherhood, that I was just as deserving as everyone else. But I was too learn a hard, expensive, painful lesson, sometimes, desire and work do not always equal success, that this thing was beyond my control and there was nothing I could do to change the outcomes. The outcomes were predetermined and they were NOT determined by me.

At the time of my last miscarriage, I thought I was going to die, the pain in my heart was so unbearable, my whole body ached, I didn’t want to face it, I didn’t want to get through it, I just wanted to curl up into a tiny ball and cry and cry and cry until every tiny cell that made up the whole of me would dissolve into nothingness. I remember phoning my psychologist I was seeing at the time and telling her I was going to off myself. She sent W home to come and keep an eye on me, they really thought I was going to do something to myself, to be honest, I don’t know how I didn’t, because I visualized it, I wanted to drive my car at high speed into a tree but I was afraid I’d land up not killing myself and land up spending the rest of my life in a vegetative state. I remember her saying sternly to me: “Sharon, its NOT your life you want to end, its your PAIN you want to end”.

Too true!!!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

What I Wouldn’t Survive Without

Comments:15 Comments

There are 3 things that have made my infertility journey bearable! I would not have survived this far without these 3 things. Each one of them is as important as the other, if I were to not have one of the 3, I would not have made it this far.

Faith that God’s promise would be fulfilled, faith that one day this would be over, faith that I was brave enough and strong enough to get through it. Faith in God. Faith in Myself. Faith in my Doctor. Faith in my husbands ability to stand by me throughout.

My friends both IRL and cyber. My special friends that I have made along the way, you have no idea how your bravery, love, compassion and support have inspired me and helped me on this journey. From days at the spa, to evenings spent drinking wine and talking till the early hours of the morning, to breakfasts and lunches and tea’s and phone calls and sms’s, I would not have made it without you. Last night Sam and I met up with Mich, its the first time we’ve met in real life, she’s visiting here from another city and is as I type this going under for her 7th ZIFT attempt. My prayer for her is that this could be the end of her infertility journey, that at the end of this, she could have and hold her own living, breathing baby miracle. That all my friends could experience that in the not to distant future.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And last but by no means least. My husband. Although there have times when I’m sure I have frustrated him so badly that he’s probably wanted to strangle me. I know there have been times when my determination on this journey have hurt and overwhelmed him. There have been times when my pain has overwhelmed him and brought him to tears but he’s still there, walking every step of the way with me. Facing our 4th IVF together, I could not have come this far without his love and support.

 

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Old Life Versus New Life?

Comments:12 Comments

Am I the only one who has done this? Who has managed to partition her life into two distinct sections, the pre-infertility veteran me and the post infertility veteran me? Because post infertility veteran me is so battered and so bruised the she can no longer be pre-infertility veteran me. She can no longer bare to even think about pre-infertility veteran me and more importantly she cannot be friends who pre-infertility veteran friends.

And let me tell you, its taken a lot of effort and work to create post infertility veteran me. The guillotine slammed down on pre infertility veteran me at the exact moment that I lost my 6th baby. I changed forever, I became to fragile, too broken to ever go back and I systematically cut myselfoff from everything and everyone that had anything to do with the pre-infertility veteran me. Self preservation was my number 1 motivating factor. And I went about systematicallydistancing myself from my old life. As a result for about a year, W and I were extremely lonely, we went no where, we did very little and we had no friends to socialize with, it was always just the two of us. It was lonely and it was depressing, but it also provided me witha safe secretive world to play out my treatment obsession without having to explain or answer stupid questions or see pity at each failure. For 8 months I did nothing but obsess about money, about my next treatment about the 2wwfrom each round of treatment. It was awful and it was no way to live and at the end of it I was so ill I was convinced I was dying. It took about 5 months to fully recover from the 8 months of fertility treatment abuse that I subjected myself to. Somehow I also slowly slowly started creating a new life, creating new friendships and we started having some balance in our lives again.

I worked hard on the transformation, all the time blocking out thoughts of my old life, of my old friends. Till today.

One of them has requested to be my friend on Facebook. I don’t know if I should accept the request, I’m too afraid to, I’m too afraid of opening Pandora’s Box and having to deal with all the pain from previously that I”vemanaged to bury so deep inside that most of the time I don’t even know its there anymore. I looked at her friends list, they’re all there, every single one of them, every single person that we were friends withbefore, all of them with pregnant bellies, smiling babies and toddlers, it brought the pain rushing back. I don’t know if I can accept this friend request, I don’t know if I havethe courage and the strength to let any of them back into my life. I don’t want to. Someof the relationships simply fizzled out when I stopped making an effort, some of the relationships ended cruelly and with so much pain on my part, especially from the two “friends” who told me to get over myself after my 6thmiscarriage when they were both pregnant. I also don’t want to accept her friend request because I don’t want them to know anything about me, I wish I could erase my memory from their mind. I don’t want them to know anything about my life, I don’t want them to pity me, poor pathetic me that still has not been able to have a baby. They will pity me, I was always the eldest out of all of us, and W and I were first to be married, we all attended each others weddings, we’re the only couple who still don’t have a child. I know its ridiculous, but I feel so ashamed of that fact.

But, I also realize that the little safe world I’ve created for myself now is not a realistic world, because people change, because our lives change, because in a few months we will be heading off to NZ or because its only a matter of time before my infertile friends start to have success with treatment and become like them. Friends who unintentionally rub their pregnant bellies or spend hours talking about their babies, friends who unintentionally hurt be because I cannot relate and because I cannot contribute.

I didn’t realize that having this friend contact me would bring up so much emotion in me. I’ve worked to hard on not being sad anymore and this just seems to have brought all the sadness rushing back at me and my first instinct is to push it back down inside me, but I know sooner or later its going to have to come out and I’m not looking forward to the mess that that will be.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Finally!

Comments:12 Comments

One of my fertile friends understands me.

 

I’m really ashamed to admit this, but some of the thoughts I’ve had surrounding my infertility and my fertile friends pregnancies have been really shameful. I’ve had some wicked and nasty thoughts. It really has felt like there has been a constant tug of war in my mind. Part of me knowing I have to do the right thing, wanting to do the right thing and another part of me feeling like I’m completely misunderstood and wishing that somebody could understand me, that somebody could experience what I’ve experienced, fighting to not be over whelmed by self pity.  I don’t want to become one of those bitter infertiles. I really do want to be balanced and fair and good. So here’s the thing, don’t be shocked ok? But I have, on occasion, wished that one of my fertile friends could experience what I experience, I have held my breath as each of them announced their pregnancy and wondered if they will get to experience the pain of an early loss. Oh this is hard to admit, but I’ve actually wished that some of them could experience the pain of an early loss. There I said it. I’m a horrible horrible person I know. And trust me, when I think through these thoughts logically, I know I don’t want an innocent baby to die just so that I could feel like somebody actually understands me. Because that is truly not what I want, I guess what I’m looking for is to not feel so isolated. Because I do feel isolated. I feel like I’m the worst kind of infertile. The kind that actually has the audacity to fall pregnant by herself, over and over again. The kind spoken about by other infertiles, the large portion of the infertility group, the ones that cannot get pregnant, the ones who say: “As least you know you can fall pregnant”! Although I have managed to surround myself with the most wonderful group of infertile women, I still on some level feel isolated and alone. I know the joy of seeing two lines on an HPT, I know the joy of having a lab phone me and say: “Congratulations, your Beta confirms you’re approximately 5 weeks pregnant” I know the joy of waking up feeling nauseous, of being so exhausted by the end of the day that I literally fall asleep on the couch, even when we have visitors. Of having the smell of meat make me want to throw up. So yes, I suppose, I feel isolated and misunderstood even amongst the community of people who are more likely to understand me. There are a couple of infertiles out there who do get me, who’ve had to walk the same shitty path as me and for that I am grateful, it helps me not feel so alone.

But I wanted to be understood by my fertile friends, secretly I always hoped that one of them could understand me. A miscarriage is a strange beast, it really doesn’t seem like such a big deal, until you’ve experienced one yourself, you may think you know what the other person is feeling, you may think you know the right things to say, but trust me, you don’t. Do you know how I know this? Because I had a best friend who miscarried her first pregnancy before I was even married. I thought it was sad and was sad for her, but I did not realize the magnitude of what she was experiencing. I did not realize how dibilitating the pain could be. Till I experienced it for myself.

Recently, one of my friends, who has three children has suffered two miscarriages in quick succession. The first miscarriage was a spontaneous one, the second, she carried to 12 weeks before discovering that the babies heart had stopped beating. And for the first time ever, I have somebody in my circle of fertile friends who understands what its like to walk a mile in my shoes. Finally there is somebody who gets why I want to punch people on the nose when they say stupid things like: “At least it happened now and not later” “Well it wasn’t the right time” etc etc. But instead of feeling any kind of relief from finally being understood, all I feel is a tremendous sadness for her that she has to go through this. So I guess I’m not quite the horrible peace of work I thought I was.

Posted in Infertility

For Sam…

Comments:3 Comments

Thinking of you my friend. This song always makes me think of you and how strong you stand in faith! I know your heart is broken right now, I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, but there isn’t. The only thing you can do now is cling to your faith and your husband and get through this one day at a time.

Love you!

Posted in Infertility

The Things I Know For Certain…

Comments:11 Comments

There are three things I know for certain about my IF journey:

 1. W and I have a bond made of steel, there is no way we would have survived this if it weren’t for our 100% commitment and dedication to each other. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t all been coming up roses, there have been some really tough times. But I think its things all IF couples go through. Because this journey is such an individual experience for each one of us, we all experience it differently and I think men and women also experience IF differently. Its a huge learning curve and we all pass through the various phases at different rates which also makes the journey difficult to cope with when you’re one part of a couple. The early years of our infertility I never ever want to go back to ever again, in fact I’d rather not have to relive any of it, but particularly the early years. My first miscarriage was such a shock that I cried for almost 3 weeks every single day, I know W used to come home from work and find me lying on the couch crying and I could see it really started to get to him, like when will this end. Also, having to experience the pregnancies of all our friends and the loss of friendships as they all graduated to fully fledged adults and parents while were were still the wannabe’s was really tough for both of us. I used to get really sad and depressed and W used to get really frustrated. The last year has been far easier, but I think this is for a number of reasons. Somewhere along the line, I came to a place of acceptance, don’t ask me how I accepted it, but somehow I managed to come to terms with my IF and accept that no amount of crying or asking why me was ever going to change it. That has made a HUGE difference to my emotional state, instead of being depressed about it on a daily basis, I get twinges of sadness every now and again, but for the most part I’m a pretty well adjusted, happy individual. The second thing that has made this year easier is that W and I no longer have any friends left from our pre IF years. They’ve all gone on to have one and two children and we no longer fit in there and slowly slowly the relationships fizzled out. So we are now always surrounded by childless and IF couples at social gatherings and this has made my IF far easier to cope with. Of course this is not a permanent solution but I guess time will tell how this will pan out. My Hartjie (for those who don’t speak Afrikaans, this means My Heart) I want you to know how much I love you and how grateful I am to have you love and support me through this difficult path we’ve been placed on.

 

2. I would not have survived this journey if it weren’t for the love of my IF sisters, both online and IRL friends. I’m a girls girl, I need girlfriends and love spend time with girlfriends. Surrounding myself with these women has helped me feel like my IF has some kind of a purpose, that I can love, understand and support somebody so broken and so hurt and so misunderstood has helped me tremendously, it has helped me to feel that my own pain and hurt was not for nothing. I’ve met some of the bravest, strongest, most loving and supportive women through my IF walk. I am forever changed by their presence in my life and I hope vice versa. They are my soft place to land, on the days where I’m hurting and sad, they are the people who pick me up, comfort me and help give me the strength to keep pushing ahead on the days when I feel I can’t anymore. C – you are the bravest woman I know, I do not know how you have gotten through the last 11 years, when I think about what the loss fo your twins must have been like my heart breaks for both you and T. Elize – a kindred spirit, your friendship has meant the world to me, a friend in a time when I had almost none and somebody I can have such great fun with. Dumbass Sam - my twin, I’m praying really hard to hear good news about your melted popsicles today, your unwavering faith has been a beacon of light for me, you are a truly living example and I commend you. Super M – for finding purpose and passion amongst all the pain and for Fertiliare that has been a source of comfort and hope for so man infertiles. For all my online IF sisters, please don’t think that because you were not mentioned here that your impact on my life as not been as great, there are just too many amazing women to mention all of you personally.

3. That not everything about IF is negative. IF has had some truly positive impacts on my life, it has changed me for the better, I belive and for that I would not exchange places with anybody else. It has made me braver, stronger and more compassionate than I ever thought possible. It has taught me the true strength of my spirit, it has shown me that real determination can get me through any situation no matter how scary or painful it may be. It has helped me over come a lot of fear in my life and although it has had a negative effect on my self esteem on the one side, it has also had a positive effect. It has also taught me that should I be fortunate enough to have a child or two of my own, they will be such lucky children to be raised by such a brave, strong mother with great lessons to teach them about life and that the miracle of having them in my life will be like nothing any fertile woman could ever experience. IF has shaped me as an adult and has taught me lessons that some people never learn in a life time. It has emotionally matured me.

So weird I landed up with so much to say, when I logged onto my blog this morning I was actually not planning on posting anything as I felt I had nothing to say. Then I receive one message of support from one of my IF sisters and I was hit by how fortunate I am to have all these amazing people in my life and to be having this experience and that I should be grateful for it and learn from it or else it would all have been for nothing.