Tag Archives: IVF

Posted in Infertility

My Fertility Specialist Did SO Much More Than Just Try & Get Me Knocked Up!

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I’ve written a series of blog postings recently about surrender. You can read them here:

Surrender

Learning How To Surrender

The concept of surrender never came to me from the depths of my own wisdom but rather from the very wise words of my fertility specialist – Dr Gobetz. His words to me were the turning point in my infertility journey. I was a newish patient at Vitalab having been at another clinic for a number of years prior and I was preparing for my 4 fresh IVF cycle which would also be my first IVF with Vitalab. Anyone who has experienced multiple failed IVF’s will know and understand how daunting the thought of facing another IVF can be. I was so afraid of facing the emotional and physical challenges of another IVF, never mind dealing with the emotional fall out, if, God forbid, it failed,  that we’d put off doing another for almost two years.

Vitalab

But under Dr G’s compassionate care I finally found the courage to try again and it was because of 4 little words he said to me when I’d voiced my fear of facing another IVF. I’ll never forget it… he spread his arms wide and in a soft voice full of compassion he said: “Just go with it!”

Those words have stayed with me and I’ve often thought about them and the more I’ve mulled them over the more I’ve gained a deeper understanding of what it truly means to “just go with it” and I’ve learned the art of surrender from those 4 words and have been able to apply them to many other area’s of my life.

Dr G and his team are one in a million in my humble opinion and I learned the importance of having an open relationship with easy access to my fertility specialist from the care I received at Vitalab. I was treated by all the Dr’s at Vitalab, Dr G was my go to man, he did my surgery that repaired all my internal issues which had remained previously undiagnosed and he worked out the protocol for my IVF that yielded the best results I’ve ever had from an IVF as well as my one and only BFP from fertility treatment. But I was also treated by Dr Jacobson who you can only but love, with the pet names he uses for all his patients and Dr Volschenk‘s soft spoken and calm manner he has when speaking with patients, even when they’re insane ones like me screaming at him to “FIND ANOTHER VEIN” during a particularly uncomfortable procedure.

I would, in a heartbeat, recommend the team at Vitalab for anyone, whether they be new to the infertility journey or seeking a 2nd opinion. And the really great news is that Vitalab have now joined the world of social media with the launch of their new Face Book page. I’d encourage anyone walking the infertility journey to like their page as it’s full of interesting information and articles on the latest news and views surrounding infertility and fertility treatments as well as information and dates on fertility talks and infertility support groups.

Vitalab are sponsoring an awesome give away for The Blessed Barrenness, all you need to is head on over and like the Vitalab Face Book page and you could win a R500 voucher from Wellness Warehouse  to spend on all kinds of treats for yourself including beauty treats, health foods and WINE glorious WINE!

wellnessw

Remember to leave me a comment letting me know that you have liked the Vitalab Face Book page. For extra entries, share this post on either Face Book or Twitter. Winners will be drawn on Wednesday, 12th September using Random.org and the competition is open to anyone residing inside South Africa.

Bought to you by Vitalab

 

Posted in Infertility

I Am The Rule & Not The Exception – I am NOT Legend

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Nurture shared a link on Twitter this morning that immediately caught my eye – Carla Bruni Pregnant At 44 & Infertility Myth Revealed.  I clicked to the link and read the article with increasing irritation. Here is someone, clearly not a Dr and from what I can tell, who has little to no experience of infertility making this statement:

 I think there is a big infertility myth that goes on with women over 35. Am I saying that older can get pregnant as easily as younger women? No. (Please read that again.) Am I saying that the risks are not higher? No. (Read that again.) What I am saying is that I believe it’s easier for women over 35 — or even 40 — to get pregnant than they think it is.

So here is my history:

I fell pregnant for the first time naturally at age 30. Between the ages of 30 & 34, I was pregnant 6 times, all 6 pregnancies naturally conceived. From age 34 to age 37, I lost the ability to fall pregnant naturally and we had to turn to science for assistance. At at 37 I fell pregnant with my 7th pregnancy from a frozen embryo transfer.

I am infertile. I am the rule and not the exception, this is scientific fact! Here is another scientific fact – baby girls are born with ovaries filled with eggs. A woman’s ovaries do not create more eggs over time, what you’re born with, that’s it. Some of us will physiologically age better than others, that means that the quality of some women’s eggs will be better at age 40than other women at age 40. The way to test this is doing two blood tests, an FSH test and an AMH test. These tests  measure hormones that give an indication of egg quality and ovarian reserve (number of eggs left). My last FSH & AMH  tests was done at age 36. My AMH was 3 and my FSH was 5, this was an indicator that my ovarian reserve was declining but was pretty much average for my age. Other women at age 21 will have POF (Premature Ovarian Failure), that means they’ll have the ovarian reserve the same as a woman in her 40′s.

I have a friend who had intensive fertility treatment and was unable to conceive. Then at age 40 she fell pregnant naturally and between the ages of 40 to 44 she went on to have 3 children. It happens but it is the exception rather than the rule.

Let us not forget that conception is a miracle in itself. A healthy couple, with no fertility issues, in their 20′s will only have a 20% chance each cycle of conceiving…. Yes, conception is very much a miracle, with odds that low, it’s a miracle that conception occurs and that it occurs so easily for some and by accident often. But it is a miracle.

To state that women over the age of 35 are statically less likely to fall pregnant is a myth is irresponsible, it is not based on any kind of scientific fact but rather on an opinion based on the exception and not the rule, in the same vein as saying to me now that we’ve adopted, I’ll conceive naturally and have a child of my “own”. These sentiments are insulting to those of us who have struggled or are struggling.

Whatever your opinion is, you cannot ignore scientific fact.

If it were true that it was so easy to fall pregnant after 40, there would be a lot more 40 year old women with baby bumps. Of course, the media and celebrity play a huge roll in these misconceptions, with so many celebrities conceiving and giving birth in the 40′s in the midst of fertility treatment speculation and denials, of course it becomes easy to buy into these opinions but we are not celebrities and this is not the movies so one cannot ignore the fact.

I am 40. I have been pregnant 7 times, only one of those times was past the age of 35, I am a mother via adoption but I will not conceive and have a miracle child of my “own” and there is the rule and NOT the exception.

There is a joke in infertility circles, when a woman who has struggled to conceive using ART (assisted reproductive technology) and then conceives accidently  by herself,  she is called Legend.

I am NOT Legend and most women my age are NOT Legend either.

 

Posted in Infertility

Messing With My Head….

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confusedI had my follow up appointment with my RE this am. The very appointment which was supposed to give me closure has wound up causing me even more confusion. So let me start off by saying I’m a very decisive person. I pretty much always know what I want and how to go about getting it. I always know what is the write course of action for me to take and I rarely deviate from that. But after this mornings appointment, I’m left feeling confused and not knowing which way to turn and I hate that!

So here’s the deal……

My clinic are currently working with a clinic overseas doing testing on what could potentially be ground breaking embryo/egg testing that is as yet not freely available. The gist of it… unlike PGD (Pre implantation Genetic Testing) which only tests 5 or 6 different chromosomes and can pick up a few Trisomey’s and that’s pretty much it. This new form of testing will be able to fully genetically diagnose the quality of the genetics of an egg, note I’m NOT talk egg quality but egg genetic quality. So far, what they’ve been doing is with the consent of patients, shipping off 3 day old fertilized eggs which have stopped developing or did not fertilize, for further analysis and apparently the results have been astounding… very very high percentage of these eggs are genetically abnormal. The findings also point to the fact that women in the age groups from 24 to 32 have the best genetically sound eggs.

Baring in mind that all of my miscarriages occur between 5 & 6 weeks and that I’ve been unable to naturally conceive since 34 years old, my RE feels that there is a strong indication that genetically there is a problem with my eggs. So, his suggestion, but of course, we can choose to forgo option one and move straight to option two or just ignore all the options are as follows:

Option 1:

Low dose stimulation, to produce 6-7 eggs followed by GIFT where all 6-7 eggs would be transferred allowing nature to naturally select the most genetically pure egg. This treatment would be backed up with Intralipids again, as well as Clexane. My RE feels that even though none of my blood tests point towards blood clotting disorders, because of advancements in science and continuous testing and changing, one does not actually know if in a year or two a new test will become available that could indicate a problem in this area, so he’d like to throw it into the mix as well. I won’t need Estraderm again(thank GOD, I could not face battling the rash again) and I probably won’t need Gestone again as its also become apparent that that is not making a difference to the outcome, something I’m quite pleased about, I’d rather not face those nasty butt shots again. My RE feels that if the issue is genetically abnormal eggs, that my risk for multiples is really low, hence the 6 or 7 eggs to be transferred and that we’d probably only get a singleton ( if anything at all). My initial objection is that 6 of my 7 pregnancies were achieved naturally, so if natural selection was ALL THAT, why then did we still land up with the same result. His response – because my body was performing natural selection from one egg, now we’re going to allow natural selection with 6-7 eggs thereby increasing the odds of nature selecting a genetically  normal egg.

Option 2:

IVF with Egg Donor and Clexane & Intralipids.

My RE feels we should go the GIFT route first and then try DE IVF. To be honest, I’m so confused, I don’t know what is the right route to take. I’m still not even convinced I want to continue on with treatment. Having said that, as excited as I am about the adoption option, I’m also realistic about the availability of Caucasian babies and feel that perhaps I should not write off the treatment option all together.  The worst part is that the two treatment options are based purely on speculation and nothing scientific and I hate that! Should we choose to go that route, we would be basing our decision purely on a trust of my RE’s more than 20 years experience and his gut feel, there are no other grounds on which to base that decision. I hate the fact that this has ignited a tiny spark of hope in me again. I want it extinguished, I want my life simplified. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what option to take. If we were to consider treatment again, and to be honest, I don’t see myself doing anything right now, but I am open to the possibility of trying again in 6 months or so, I don’t know which option to take. While I trust my RE’s judgment and understand the logic behind what he is suggesting, I’m terrified of GIFT with the same outcome. But I’m also afraid of the DE route. Its a massive financial outlay and at the end of it we could still be told to consider surrogacy. The whole uterus issue is still on the cards, my RE does not believe it is the issue here, but, we have to be realistic and face the fact that I could try GIFT and DE IVF and still land up being faced with the surrogacy choice.

I’m also confused about the treatment option because I want to get a life now, I want to start living life to the full and not have boundaries set by treatment but I’m also afraid of looking back in 10 years time and regretting the choices I made. Feeling like I didn’t try hard enough or that I did leave stones unturned. The truth of the matter is that at 37.5 time is running out for me, I can’t take a couple of years off, in a couple of years it will be over for me.

For now, Dr G has convinced me that the pill is the best option for me, I have a 6 month script for Yasmine and 6 months to wait on guidance from God and come to some kind of decision. Of course, we could also get selected via adoption during that period (PLEASE GOD) and then none of this will even matter.  The hardest part of me, being the Type A, super decisive person that I am, I hate standing at a crossroads and waiting for a decision, I like to have a plan, I like to know where I’m going and what’s going to happen and of course that is out of the question right now. I’m going to have to learn to be quiet with this and wait on God to provide His answer!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Its Almost Over

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And not a moment to soon. I know this may sound odd to those who have not battled RPL, but those who have will relate to this statement completely:  My beta’s have dropped even further confirming the end in sight and aside from being sad, my most overwhelming emotions is one of relief. I can stop the roller coaster and get off. I know what to do, I’m in familiar territory and I know how to cope and get it done, done this 6 times, this time won’t be any different.

So for now I get to take off the Estra-Derm patches and allow my poor stomach some relief, I’ve already started applying healing ointment in the hope that my skin colour and texture will return to normal sometime soon and that the incessant burning and itching will pass in the next day or so. I can stop the Gestone shots and let the hard lumps and bumps in my bum start to slowly heal. All I have to do now is wait for the bleeding to start. I’m disappointed as I was hoping to have a D&C but apparently its too soon so I have to allow the miscarriage to come naturally. That’s also ok, I’ve done that 6 times before as well. I’m prepared, I have a few packs of Myprodols, I have hot water bottles and bean bags ready and in a day or so I’ll take to my bed with all of the above and wait for the pain to pass.

I also have some things to think about. Dr G feels that they have covered every base there is to cover. My immune tests and blood thinning disorder tests all came back normal. Our HLA studies came back proving that we do not share any antigens, our Chromosomal studies came back proving that we did not have any genetic clashes. All my internal issues have been resolved, the polyp was removed, the uterine scarring was removed, the partial septum was removed, the Hydrosalpingus was drained and removed. My uterus is in perfect shape to hold a pregnancy. The mere fact that there was communication between my uterus and the embryo of the FET proves that in theory all should be fine, but its not. So there is one other thing out there to try, one other thing that could make the difference between another early miscarriage and a live full term baby….. its the one thing that has sat like a quiet whisper in the back of my mind for sometime now, its the one thing that sounded like shouting voices when Dr G said it himself in our session this morning….. Donor Eggs!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

IVF/FET = Anxiety

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The emotional side of being back on the IVF horse has really hit hard. So hard, in fact, that I’ve started taking Biral as a very mild sedative to try and help take the edge off. I’m extremely tearful and have not even had so much as one shot or pill as yet. Everything makes me cry, from stupid TV ads to lunch with friends.

A case in point, on Saturday I went for lunch with my good friends Tam & Sam. We were having a great time, a few Mojito’s, a couple of bottles of wine, delicious food and lots and lots of talking. We shared a lot about our individual journey’s. At one point both Sam & Tam were talking about how they’d been married for 5 years and how they’d gotten their dogs (as most of us infertiles do) as baby substitutes and how it was hard seeing their dogs grow up without children in sight. This sentiment overwhelmed me with sadness and before I could even stop it, the tears were rolling down my cheeks. I’m on my second round of baby substitutes. My first round is Penelope and she’s not going to be around for much longer, she’s old and sickly but she’s sweet and gentle and it breaks my heart to know that I’ll never get to see what she’s like with my children, she’ll be long gone before that happens.

Infertility is an odd journey, some days the pain is bearable, other days its overwhelming and then more often than not its completely surreal. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming, this really is my life, this really is my journey. I can’t believe that 7 years have past, I can’t believe that we’re into our 8th year of trying, I can’t believe I’ve survived 6 miscarriages, I can’t believe I haven’t been pregnant in 3 years, I can’t believe I’m 37 and time is well and truly running out.

Mostly I can’t believe that the desire for motherhood is so strong that I’m doing this to myself again, that in just a few short days I’ll be in the worst kind of 2ww, that its the 5th time I’ll be doing this particular 2ww, that I’m willingly putting myself through not just the physical discomfort, the mental discomfort or the emotional distress of another IVF/FET and THAT makes me extremely anxious.

Posted in Infertility

FET/IVF Pass/Fail

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pass_fail1

There are so many variables with fertility treatment that just to get to the 2ww, one needs to cross through a minefield of pass/fail points. The minefield becomes even more treacherous when one starts doing the real Rolls Royce treatments like IVF, FET , GIFT, ZIFT & the like. This is where you’ll see science in all its glory. But its a scary place, with even the tiniest detail not synchronizing at the right time your cycle will be a bust, you may hit the fail point before even really beginning.

With that in mind, I’m very pleased to have flown through the first pass/fail point without any issues. I had my CD3 scan yesterday which revealed an 18mm Corpus Luteum Cyst and my lining was completely shed and measuring 2.6mm.

I scan again next Monday and will hopefully trigger on Tuesday, if I fly through the next pass/fail point – passing the Estrogen level test and then we start with the REALLY terrifying part of the pass/fail points, waiting to discover if my ice babies will thaw and start to show growth.

So for now, I’m waiting patiently to see if I can pass the next test!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Looking For Signs

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I remember just prior to starting my last IVF, I was checking out the IVF/FET Hitlist on Fertilicare and feeling really unsettled by the poor stats, I even blogged about (read that posting here). Well today I was updating the stats and I’m hoping that the distinct change in success rates is boding well for my upcoming FET. In the past 3 months, we’ve had 20 recorded IVF’s/FET’s on the forum. Of those 20, only 4 were negative, 2 were cancelled, 2 resulted in chemical pregnancies, 2 are unaccounted for AND 10 resulted in positive pregnancies.That’s a 50% success rate!

Now, as you know, this journey has made me (and I think a lot of my IF sista’s) superstitious and in the build up to a treatment and during treatments, we often look for signs. Well I’m really hoping that the stats above bode well for my FET!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Warrior Women

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Infertility, its an odd journey, its full of surprises and set backs and twists and turns. I think its something we can all agree on, we all embarked on this journey with a set goal and a set idea of what we’d be willing to do in order to achieve that goal but for the bulk of us unfortunate enough not to have success with the entry level options, our idea of what we’d be willing to do changes rather drastically.

My journey is a case in point. I started out on this journey being so utterly terrified of a needle that the first beta test I ever had was so traumatic that I cried pitifully the whole way through it. Then after surviving a number of threatened and then actual miscarriages and having loads of blood tests done, the fear of a blood test decreased and I started thinking about going to see an RE. That was a big hurdle for me, because I don’t especially like Dr’s and I just new that once we got there there would be a bunch more unpleasant tests. I remember crying my heart out after my first consultation and hearing the news that I required a laparoscopy. I remember being utterly terrified for the administration of my first trigger injection and even more terrified of my first stimmed (Gonal F) stimmed/triggered cycle. When we moved onto IVF I was scared of the daily injections and of the egg retrieval, I was very afraid of the egg retrieval. Then I had my second and third IVF’s and they didn’t seem so bad…. then we moved backwards to IUI, which after IVF seemed likea  cake walk in comparison for me.

One of the reasons why I delayed my move over to Vitalab was because I was afraid of going through all the poking and prodding and testing all over again. But, the finish line moved again and so I made the move. They poked, they prodded and they tested and then they announced that I required another laparoscopy and this time I was a little scared but not tearful and overwrought with fear like the previous time.  When IVF #4 started I even injected myself, did all my own stimming and trigger injections. I was really proud of how far I had come, from the girl who cried her heart out during a blood test to this warrior woman who could stick needles into herself without flinching.

Another case in point… Something I’ve been thinking about for a while now, something which Martiza’sBFP has confirmed for me… should I require another fresh cycle (and God willing I won’t) after my two FET attempts, then I will be requesting that my next fresh attempt incorporate the GIFT method. In my mind, that speaks volumes of how far I’m (we) are all willing to go to achieve the goal of parenthood. I’m going to willingly request to inject myself daily to stimulate eggs, I’ll then undergo egg retrieval and laparoscopic surgery all in one go, followed by two weeks of Intralipid infusions and self administers Progesterone and Estrogen shots.

Who is this warrior woman? And what happened to the terrified, quivering woman who wanted to faint and the sight of a needle?

Big up’s and respect to ALL of us Warrior Woman!!!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

An Odd Reaction – Part Deux

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Call me a sucker for punishment but I can’t seem to stop watching the documentary series – A Child Against All Odds. I watched it again lat night & had the same reaction as I’d had the previous times. As soon as the show started and they introduced the two women, one aged 35 with high FSH using an egg donor program in Russia and the other aged 41 battling through her 3rd IVF, the tears started coming and they continued to roll down my cheeks for the entire hour. Its a really great documentary but there is one thing that I feel they have not covered. They don’t show the anguish of the 2ww. They don’t show the agony of wondering if your embryo’s have lived or died, they don’t show how every one of us over analyzes every twinge as a possible sign or symptom of pregnancy. They don’t show the days where we’re super physced and positive and convinced its going to work, followed by days trapped in a back hole convinced its all failed. They don’t show the bruises from all the daily injections, they don’t show the discomfort of walking around like a chicken with no where to lay all her eggs. While I feel this is an excellent documentary about the science behind and reasons behind IVF, I don’t feel it truly gets to grips with the massive emotional & physical investment an IVF is which for me is disappointing because it falls short in terms of educating people in the difficulties of an IVF. I’m sure those out there who’ve never had an IVF probably think you get slightly tearful at a setback or a failed IVF and then you just try again. Its so not like that, at least not for me anyway. A failed IVF is followed by weeks, if not months of sadness, of depression, of feelings of uselessness, of massive disapointment in my body’s inability to do what so many women do so easily and to do what is taken foregratnted by so many.

Of course my emotion was made worse yesterday by my darling husbands reminder to me of just how long we’ve been doing this. A full seven years, we’re into our eighth year trying and sometimes I really can’t believe it hasn’t happened yet. Sometimes I wonder to myself it ones chance for success is not made less and less the longer one tries. So today I look very pretty, all thick eyed and baggy from all the crying last night.

But on a happier note, please head on over to my friend, Maritza’s blog, and go and wish her well, she received the news of her BFP yesterday! Congratulations my friend, we’re rooting for you! Your GIFT success has made me even more determined than ever to give GIFT a shot in the New Year!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Fertility In The News

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soap_boxThe news today is full of pregnancy announcements. First off, a huge big fat big up to Celine Dion. I’m not exactly a fan, but I so respect the fact that she’s been open about her battle with infertility, we need more celebrities like her, they have the ability to change the misconceptions that the general public have about this battle. She struggled for 6 years to have her first son and was only able to conceive with the assistance of a fertility specialist, I’m thinking with a battle that long she probably conceived using IVF. Then this morning I heard the announcement that she’s pregnant with her second child also via the use of fertility treatment. Actually on the radio they announced that she was pregnant via the use of a “frozen ovary” but I’m assuming they meant, a frozen embryo transfer? This got me quite excited, I know I shouldn’t do it, but I look for signs and I took this as a sign. There have been so many pregnancy announcements of late coming from FET’s that I really hope it bodes well for me!

The second pregnancy story in the news just makes me really really angry! I’m sure everyone has read the headline now: Tunisian Woman Expecting TWELVE babies! For starters, they don’t actually state what type of fertility treatment was used, but whatever treatment was used, how completely irresponsible of her Dr! If they did a stimmed IUI why was the treatment not canceled when they discovered so many follicles? Or at least converted to an IVF. If it was from an IVF, then what Dr puts back so many embryo’s??? All that stories like this do is add further sensationalization of fertility treatment. There are already enough people out there lobbying against IVF treatments and there are already countries which have past legislation making it illegal for an RE to put back more than one embryo during an IVF which, in my mind must surely have an impact on the chances of success. Stories like this simply add fuel to the fire and a blanket of irresponsibility gets thrown over all of us undering IVF when in fact the finger of blame should be pointed directly at the irresponsible Dr’s that perfom such treatments without any consideration of the implications of transferring so many embryo’s. It not only infuriates me because all of us under going IVF have to deal with the repercussions of such sensationalization but it saddens me that this couple, who are currently counting there blessings may very well have to face the possibility of loosing some, if not all of their babies due to the complications of such a high multiple pregnancy.

Ok, I’ll be climbing off my soap box now!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Dealing With Grief

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I watched the Sex & The City movie on Sunday night for a second time and this time around, I was struck by the similarity of our grieving processes. The causes of the grief may be different, but the processes are fairly similar. Yes, we all deal with grief differently and we move through the various stages of grief at different paces, but at its very core it seems similar.

There are only a couple of instances in my life that have caused me this type of grief, the first one was loosing what I, at the time, believed was the greatest love of my life and then of course all of my miscarriages & my failed IVF’s. Oddly, the grieving process in all of these was pretty much the same for me. I grieved my lost love in the same ways as I grieved the loss of my babies. I grieved in the same way (not necessarily the same time lines) but in the same way as Carrie when Big stood her up at their wedding.

I recall withall of my miscarriages and with the loss of my “great love” that I cried uncontrollablyfor the first day or so, that I couldn’t eat, think or talk, all I could do was cry. The next phase of my grieving is sleeping. I become weighted down my the heaviness of my grief and look for the sweetest escape in sleep. There’s just one problem with that escape… the sleep is wonderful, its freeing and healing, but each time I woke up, in that second before becoming fully conscience, the weight of my grief would coming crashing down on me as I relieved over and over again the losses that had caused the grief in the first place. Even now, when I think about waking up from sweet slumber during periods of intense grief, I’m gripped by a feeling of sadness, remembering what it was like to become awake, to lie there and remember again and again what was causing the pain in the first place, to experience the sense of loss over and over again.

The other part of Carrie’s grief that I so related to was when she was on her honeymoon with oher friends in Mexico, when she was finally through the sleeping phase, she was sitting out on the deck with her friends and she asked them: “Do you think I’ll ever be able to laugh again?”. That statement brought tears to my eyes because I so related, especially after my last miscarriage and also after my last failed IVF, I truly believed I would never laugh or smile again. I felt like if I tried to laugh or smile, my broken heart would crumble into a million little pieces. That was life without joy and it was quite possibly the most painful part of the grieving process. Perhaps not as intense as the crying or sleeping phase, but definitely a scary phase, to feel dead on the inside that was by far the scariest. Certainly not the most painful because I couldn’t feel anything, but scary non the less.

So here I am, planning & preparing for my 5th IVF or my 1st Frozen Cycle, depending on how you look at it, and to be honest, a part of me is truly afraid. While I know I will have the strength and courage to get through it again, I’m just not sure I WANT to face the possibility of having to go through that extremely painful grief process again.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

An Odd Reaction

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achildagainstalloddsI watched the second episode in the BBC Documentary last night – A Child Against All Odds, it was a really appropriate episode as it focused mostly on Frozen Embryo Transfer, the process, success rates and shared the journey’s of three different women. What was truly weird was my reaction to the show and I’m hoping that you, dear reader, can shed some light on my rather bizarre reaction.

So let me explain. I’ve had 4 IVF’s, one cancelled due to no fertilization and three negative IVF’s. I’ve been poked & prodded, I’ve been jabbed and jabbed myself with needles, I’ve had Intralipid infusions, I’ve been conscious for some of my egg retrievals, we’ve done PGD and heard the devastating news of chromosomal abnormalities. Through all of that, the only times I’ve cried was on hearing the news of the cancelled and negative beta tests. The rest of the time, I’ve gritted my teeth, hardened my resolve and gotten the job done. I’ve offered support to others going through IVF, I’ve talked about my IVF’s, I’ve blogged about my IVF’s, I’ve shared experiences about my IVF’s and its all been very matter of fact. So why then, when watching a documentary about other women, women I do not personally know, why is it that when watching these women go for their scans, have injections get the news of egg retrievals and fertilization reports, am I completely unable to control the sobs that burst out of me? Last night I cried about IVF for the first time since my IVF failed in March. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and when the sobbing stopped it was replaced by great big crocodile tears that slid their way down my cheeks, into the corners of my mouth and down my neck.

I cannot explain or understand my reaction. W kept asking if I was ok and I kept saying I’m sorry I don’t know why watching other women on TV have IVF is so unbearably painful for me. Seriously, I’m confused by this reaction!

And even though I’m super psyched for my FET which could start within the next couple of days, after my reaction last night that excitement is also tinged with a little bit of fear. I’m so afraid of being plunged back into that dark pit of despair should the next round fail.

Posted in Infertility

The Answer I’ve Waited For

Comments:12 Comments

SC-065-0116Its funny how sometimes finding your answer can take months of soul searching, months of grappling with your answer and then one day its just there!

That’s what happened to me this weekend. Since my 4th fresh IVFcycle failed, I’ve really battled with what to do next. Part of me was so heartbroken I wasn’t even sure if could go on. Part of me was so confused and hurt by the failure that I considered giving the embryo’s up for adoption. Part of me thought I could never face another round of treatment, part of me felt like I may loose my mind if I never tried again. I’v been swinging freely amongstthese emotions for months now and on Saturday evening, suddenly, while chatting with a friend, the answer came to me. It came out in such a sensible way and seemed so well thought out that it must have been hiding there all along, hidden from sight by my overwrought emotions and confusion.

So here is my answer:

I’m hoping to do my first of two FET’s sometime in the next couple of months, I’m expecting to do it in September, but there is something huge in the pipeline for W and if that pans out I may get to do my FETa little bit sooner. I have two ferns of frozen embryo’s – one fern contains 3 embryo’s and the other contains 4 embryo’s, all of them choice grade, which means in essence we will have two attempts with FET. Of course, in an attempt to be optimistic, I”m really hoping that one attempt will be all that’s necessary but if we’re not that fortunate, then we’ll do FET no. 2 early next year.

I have also come to the realization that I cannot ever go back to where I was a few years ago, so obsessedwith treatment that I had to be doing something every single cycle emotionally and physically, I simply cannot do that again. I wonder if I even have the strengthth or courage to face more than one fresh IVF cycle in a year. Especially considering that not only will I have to have at least 2 – 3 Intralipid infusions for each treatment, but I’ll also be on daily progesterone injections as well as estrogen injections. I”m pretty sure that if I thought I looked like a pin cushion before, its going to be way worse.

Add to that my very squeamish husband will be required to do the daily progesteroneinjections as I wasn’t born with the natural ability to be double jointed and don’t see myself being able to inject my own arse, I think this all makes for some interesting times ahead.

For now, I’m trying not to focus on the possibility of another failed IVF or FET, its too scary and too painful so for now I’m going to do my very best to push the fear aside and focus on what might be…..

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Mental Preparation

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So I have the physical side of my FET preparation under control but the more I think about going into another cycle (this will be No.5 if I include my fresh & cancelled cycles and not counting the timed & IUI cycles) the more I realize I’m so out of the “zone”, I’m just not mentally prepared for this at all and I think I need to whip my subconscious/internal dialogue into shape as well. The mere thought of facing another IVF/FET and all that it entails,  is enough for me to feel my anxiety levels start to increase.

I’m officially AD free, have been for a week today, and so far I’m feeling just fine, of course, I’m not having to deal with anything as heart wrenching as a failed/cancelled cycle so time will tell how well I actually do cope.

I’ve been yoyo’ing on both sides of the fence with regards to going into this FET totally believing that it absolutely-will-with-all-the-certainty-I-can-muster-within-my-being, work and perhaps setting myself up for a crushing disappointment followed by months of depression and a looong emotional recovery as was my experience with my last failed IVF. Or going into this as realistically as possible, believing that sooner or later something will work, it just may not work on this specific FET.

I’m afraid of going into this round all gung-ho believing and then having to cope with the disappointment, I’m afraid of that additional pressure that will put on me and lets be honest – an IVF/FET is pressurized and stressful enough without all the other bull shit. I don’t need to have extra stuff to beat myself up over, I already do a pretty damn good job all by myself, without beating myself up over the fact that perhaps I never believed enough or wasn’t positive enough or any of the other reasons why we infertiles think that cycles fail because of something we did. I already have a world of self made blame sitting squarely on my shoulders without adding to it.

I guess the fear of setting myself up for a massive disappointment comes from my experience with my last IVF. I have SO many friends who fell pregnant with their first IVF’s at Vitalab and I so strongly believed the same would be true for me that it was completely astounding to me that it actually failed and I’m so afraid for believing so strongly again and having to face that massive disappointment all over again. My last IVF was so “perfect” that even my RE told me that if the Dr’s were betting men and they’d have to put money on who would receive a BFP out of ALL their patients having IVF with me, it would be us because we were “streets ahead of everyone else in tems of quality and quantity and prognosis, nobody could touch us”!

I suppose all of this is what makes IVF/FET’s so much harder than your other run of the mill fertility treatments because even when everything is perfect, when there are beautiful little embryo’s gently placed back in your womb it can just fail. Of course with my history, its not just the getting a BFP that’s stressful, the true terror will start there after when I try to live through each day without driving myself insane with my constant repeated mantra of “God please let this baby live! God please let this baby live! God please let this baby live”!

At the end of the day what will be will be and probably the best approach for me is to just go with the flow, if I have a super + day then great, but if I’m feeling a little – I guess that’s also ok, I just have to get through it somehow.

After all, I really want a baby……….

Posted in Infertility

Just My Luck!

Comments:12 Comments

Murphy is getting the last laugh in on my failed IVF. I still can’t believe it actually. First day of holiday was spent at the Dr’s waiting for somebody to attend to me because I’m in agony only to be diagnosed with MASTITIS! No baby, no pregnancy, no breast feeding but I have Mastitis.

I’d heard it was painful but damn, I never expected this!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Thinking About AD’s

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I’m seriously considering requesting that my RE give me a script for some Anti Depressants. I’m not doing so well at all, in fact its been a very long time since I felt like this. I’m not just sad. Sad after a failed IVF is normal. This thing that I’m feeling is different, I suspect I may be more than just sad, I suspect I may be clinically depressed.

I feel heavy on the inside, my mind is a mess. Last week, twice I forgot to feed my dog, I forgot my oldest friends Birthday on Saturday. I’ve got no libido, I have no desire to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone. Everything is a huge effort. Including conversation with anyone and everyone. It was a very special friends husbands birthday party on Saturday night, it took every ounce of my resolve to actually get dressed to go, I thought going for a haircut and blow wave would help get me in the mood, W took me for lunch while we waited for the appointment, I cried the whole way through the lunch, when I got to the party, I had a good time, at least I think I did, I know I drank far too much, got really tipsy and I fear perhaps really silly, I did spend at least two hours hiccuping and driving W mad. I also can’t stop eating, I’m looking for comfort in all the wrong places. I’ve become a really poor home maker, W has had to take over the reigns because I fail miserably, I haven’t cooked in weeks, don’t do any shopping, I barely even do the laundry, he’s become the house husband. When I get home from work, I’m so relieved to be home, safe in my own environment where I don’t have to see anyone or do anything. And I literally do nothing, I’ve even stopped reading and blogging has become an effort. My favorite past time is lying on the couch watching TV, drinking wine and eating crisps.

Since yesterday I also have this terrible sensation inside, like anxiety, I think its all part of a depression that seems to be worsening.

My family are coming up from Cape Town for the Easter weekend and I FORGOT! Yesterday morning I suddenly remembered that I had a million things I had to do before they arrived, but I have no desire to do anything and just wanted to spend the day lying on the couch.

I used to take AD’s, right at the beginning of this journey, but to be honest, for a long time I thought I was ok, I was ok. But I’m not ok right now and I’m not sure if this is another bout of depression or if I’m simply just sad and miserable after yet another failed round of treatment. Its only been a week and a half so perhaps I’m also being a bit hard on myself. But I don’t want to feel like this, I want to get a grip and move on, I just don’t seem to be able to.

Posted in Infertility

Follow Up & POA

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I had my follow up appointment today. The last few days I’ve been feeling ok, I thought I was coming to terms with the failed IVF, I thought I had all my emotions in check, boy was I wrong. From the second I walked into my RE’s office, had him squeeze my arm and ask me how I’m doing I started to blubber, thankfully I managed to get a grip after a few embarrassing moments and spent the rest of the appointment with great big crocodile tears running down my cheeks.

So I guess my prognosis is good. Apparently out of all the patients who had IVF around the same time as us, nobody had the stats that we had, in the words of our RE “nobody came close to touching us in terms of quality and quantity”. So of my 7 embryo’s we grew to day 5, two were transferred and every single one of the remaining 5 compacted and hatched. Apparently this is a very good sign for quality as its uncommon to have every single one hatch. So Dr G says the prognosis is very good.

They went back and had a look at my IVF files from my previous clinic and did a comparison with this IVF now and apparently there simply is no comparison between the quality and quantity of eggs. Dr G says this can be attributed to two major things:

1. The fact that the Hydrosalpingeshas been removed would definitely impact on the quality of my eggs and improve the stimulation of my ovaries

2. The introduction of Intralipids to counter act NKC’s prior to starting the stimming process would also have had an impact on the egg quality.

Dr G believes that conception would be “theraputic” for me. Basically, it would appear that in the past two and a half years, my system has “unlearned” the ability to conceive, getting pregnant using treatment would re-teach my body what it needs  in order to conceive and that should we eventually have a successful pregnancy, no further treatment should be require for future pregnancies. But I guess only time will tell with that.

Dr G also says that in a % of patients their systems simply do not respond well to the artificial environment and that there are patients out there who simply never get pregnant from a fresh IVF but always get pregnant from frozen cycles. So the good news is that they froze our embryo’s on two separate leafs (not sure if that’s correct spelling) so we have enough frozen for two FET’s. We will be doing ‘natural” FET’s which basically means that my system will be allowed to control the cycle, I will be allowed to grow a follicle normally, at 18mm’s the follicle will be triggered, two days past trigger my embryo’s will be thawed and 3 days later they will be transferred. In between, I will have one Intralipid infusion prior to trigger and then after transfer I will have Estrogen injections administered intramuscular every 3 days and Progesterone injections administered daily. Once/IF a pregnancy is confirmed I will then have another Intralipid infusion and continue with the intramuscular injections through the first trimester.

While an FET is much cheaper than a fresh cycle, because of all the additional meds I require, it will still land up cost a pretty packet, around R15K. I’m still not really sure how I feel about the FET’s, on the one hand I’m glad to be able to do two FET’s before doing another fresh cycle, on the other hand, I guess with all the failures, I’m not exactly holding my breath either.

For now, I need to try and get back to some kind of healthy living and saving towards the first FET which I hope to do in May/June.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Today

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Yesterday was an ok day, I made it through the entire day without crying once. I thought I was doing well, coping with the massive disappointment.

Then I woke up this morning, got back to the mundane business of charting, took out my BBT thermometer and as I lay there waiting to take my temp, the black cloud of sadness and depression descended onto me, crushing the breath out of.

I feel so unbelievably depressed its almost impossible to breathe. Today was supposed to be my test day, today we were supposed to receive the news of our miracle, today everyone wants to know if we have good news for them.

Please God just give me the strength to get through today. To keep breathing, to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Posted in Infertility

No Actually I Live In The Real World

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So finally, my BFN is confirmed, after a day of hope and emotions being swung all over the place. Finally everything came crashing down. After my frantic sms and email to my RE yesterday morning, he contacted me to say they were running an E2 and Progesterone test to establish what was happening as it was too early to be experiencing bleeding.

After allowing hope a foot back in the door, my RE called yesterday evening to confirm that my E2 levels were way down and that my Progesterone was down to a count of only 7. He believes this is a clear indication that my body is switching off its absorption of the medication, apparently, something which can happen in a small percentage of women, as my Progesterone count is low enough to indicate that my body has not been absorbing the Crinone in at least the last few days. This is a repeated pattern with me, during timed cycles, IUI’s and IVF’s, AF is never delayed, its always slightly early or bang on time. I’m on CD28 today and have full bleeding.

The solution? We’ll discuss further in my follow up appointment next Friday, but for now Dr G feels that we need to consider doing ONLY injectables as support during the next round, so both my Progesterone and Estrogen supplements will be given via an intramuscular injection, sorry W, but thats one injection I can’t do myself so you’ll have to do it for me.

When will the next round be? Honestly, I don’t know, I’m too heart broken to think about that right now.

Posted in Infertility

I Live In Fairyland! (Warning swearing ahead)

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So I duly went and did the stupid, pointless Beta this morning. Guess what the result is???? C’mom, guess???

YES! You’re right! Its Negative!!!!!!

But guess what else??

As if to prove a point, the point being that some of us are destined to walk a harder, longer, more painful journey to motherhood than others and that I fall into this category, you know the answer simply couldn’t just be Negative, stop your meds, let your period start, we’re so sorry. Oh no. That would be far too simple, that’s what happens to other people when they have treatments, not to me. So just for a little bit of extra fun, to make sure I’m well and truly tortured by this process. Guess what the IVF Co-ordinator told me???

She kakked (shat) me out for testing 5 days early and told me, I may NOT stop my medication, instead, I should continue to pretend like there’s some hope, continue taking the stupid meds and retest again on Monday! Yay!!! I’m so f*cking lucky! I mean lets face, it, its plausible to believe that the blood test results, 9dp5dt, could change from a stone cold negative today to a bright, shiny positive on Monday! Of course it can, in f*cking fairyland!!!!!!!!!!