loss | The Blessed Barrenness

Holding Them Close

miscarriageribbon I’m meeting two very special friends for lunch today. Two friends, who despite their own journey’s and pain have really been there every step of the way for me in my transition from infertility to motherhood.

Two friends who have suffered immeasurable loss. Two friends who are both in mourning during the month of April. One friend mourning the one year anniversary of the loss of her baby girl and one friend mourning the second trimester loss of her boy girl twins.

I just wanted them both to know that today I am thinking of them. I am rooting for them and their success – whatever that may be. And I am remembering and mourning with them the little ones they have lost!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Thoughts On Loss

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Just recently two of my friends have suffered the misfortune of miscarriage. One friend is a multiple miscarriage survivor and the other is battling through the unfamiliar territory of her first (and hopefully last) miscarriage. Its been an enlightening experience for me, watching from the sidelines, doing my best to offer both moral and emotional support. But its also been an odd experience, like dejavu, watching the emotions evolve as they both work through their grieving processes individually and yet the emotions are pretty much the same.

Its also stirred up some of my own feelings about my own losses over the past 7 years. Losses I thought I’d dealt with and moved on from, but I guess we never really get over these losses, they do become easier to cope with over the course of time, but they never really leave us completely. I try not to dwell on them because the sadness and sense of loss would be overwhelming and yet what I’ve lost would be impossible to describe.

I suppose what makes the grieving process of a miscarriage, especially a first trimester miscarriage, so unique is that its not something that the majority of the population can relate to, as a generally fertile society the feelings surrounding miscarriage seem to be largely misunderstood. People seem to think its something you recover from and you recover from quickly. Until I went for therapy about 2 years ago, I used to make excuses for the emotions I felt about my pregnancy losses. It was only when the therapist told me that I did not need to excuse my feelings of sadness and loss that it actually begun to sank in, that it was a big deal, that it was terribly sad and that it was a massive loss.

Some people would argue that you can’t really call it a loss because how can you loose something you never truly had. Well for me, and I sure I speak for most miscarriage survivors, my sense of loss comes from the could have beens. From the dreams and aspirations I had for that child from the second I became aware of their existance.

That sense of loss, although not overwhelming anymore is always there. I wonder if it will ever go away, I wonder if the only thing that can take it away is a living, breathing baby of my own? I haven’t gotten to “the other side” yet, but hope to very soon, perhaps then I’ll know the answer.

But for now, I want to tell my friends and anyone else reading this who’s battling through the pain and emotions of a miscarriage, don’t let anyone make you feel that your feelings aren’t justified!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

To Know Or Not To Know?

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boy_girl_symbols I’ve often wondered if knowing the sex of our babies makes it harder to come to terms with their loss? I haven’t really thought about this for a while, its just something I’ve believed to be true, for me it is anyway. My first failed IVF was hardest to come to terms with, not just because it was the first IVF and your first failed IVF is crushing, but also because we did PGD with that IVF so we knew that both our embryo’s transferred were boys. Knowing they were boys got me thinking about things I hadn’t/haven’t thought about during my other IVF’s. Very gender specific things. Would they grow up and be tall and very masculine like their Dad, would they love rugby, would they be Mommy’s boy, would they be little hooligans? I’ve not thought about those things in the same way with my other IVF’s or pregnancies, for that matter, mostly because we had no clue of the gender and lost the babies & was not given a D&C. But that failed IVF hurt, it crushed me, saying goodbye to my boys was excruciatingly painful. I suppose knowing the gender was painful in the loss in the same way that a failed IVF is so much more devastating (for me personally) than a failed IUI or timed cycle. You don’t have to wonder at what happened, you know that living dividing embryo’s were put back. Knowing means that you know whether you lost boys or girls or both.

This week, one of my BFF’s, Elize, had her follow up appointment with Dr G on Monday and got the results from the tests carried about on her foetus. And on the one hand I was thrilled that she got an answer as to why she miscarried this time, on the other hand I was completely crushed for her. Her news that the baby had Downs Syndrome and that it was a precious little girl was devastating to me, it really felt like a swift, hard punch right in the center of my chest. So if it felt like that for me, I can only imagine how it must have felt for her.

I really wonder if it wouldn’t be best for us not to know the gender of our unborn, miscarried babies. From my own experience I’ve found that knowing the gender has made that tiny blob seem so much more real and so much harder to say goodbye to.

To all my precious friends, and God knows there are too many of us, who’ve suffered the tragedy of a lost baby, I hope that one day the ache in our hearts can be healed by the joy of a living breathing baby. I know God is taking care of our precious little ones and that one day we will be united with them.

Elize, my special friend, I now know what your definition of fine is and I want you to know I’m here for you, even if you are fine!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Two Steps Back

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After the shocking news of Elize’s loss yesterday and her planned D&C today, I’ve taken a few steps back and I’m back to asking to TTC or CTT?

Where will this all end? Will there be a happy ending? Will it actually be worth all the heartache and pain? I really really don’t know the answers to all these questions. I do know that the news of Elize’s fourth loss has sent me into a downward spiral, even further into the black depression that has been engulfing me for weeks, now complete with extreme anxiety and even a little panic attack thrown in for good measure yesterday. I really hope that my RE will come back to me today with that script for the AD’s, I clearly need them.

I’m back to questioning whether we should push ahead or not, whether we should give up our frozen embryo’s for adoption. I know thinking of this absolutely terrifies me, but so does going on right now.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be making any decisions right now.

Posted in Infertility

Heart Break

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As if I weren’t already beyond depressed! As if I wasn’t already heart broken, I just received the worst news imaginable, my best friend, who has suffered multiple first trimester miscarriages, and who’s journey to parenthood has also been painfully long has just found out that yet another pregnancy will end in sadness and misery at 10 weeks.

Please go and give Elize some love. After battling infertility for many years, suffering multiple first trimester miscarriages, she just received the devastating news today at her 10 week scan that the babies heart has stop beating. She’s scheduled for a D&C tomorrow.

My friend, there are no words of comfort, there’s nothing any one can do right now, I know your pain is beyond unbearable! I’m so sorry for both you and Stian and for the shitty hand you’ve been dealt yet again. Know that W and I love you both and that we will do anything you need right now, anything you can’t do for yourself, allow me to do it for you. We love you and we’re heartbroken for you.

There are just no adequate words.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

The Cruelty Of Infertility

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Have you ever noticed that when it comes to infertility, sometimes it can really feel like just when you think you can’t take anymore something happens that makes you realize that you can and probably will have to take a lot more. And I’m not just talking about the physical side of things, I’m also talking about the emotional side of this journey.

I’ve had many of those days, days that were so painful that I just wanted to curl into a ball and die. They’ve gotten fewer and further between as I’ve “matured” or “toughened” along this journey, but I remember the early days, where everything hurt.

I remember just after my first miscarriage receiving the news from my SIL that she was pregnant, she was hysterical, crying, besides herself, she wanted an abortion, she came to me of all people to help her. Something I managed to talk her out of, but it hurt, it hurt so much to have those conversations, to persuade somebody to voluntarily keep something that was so cruelly taken away from me.

Then 8 months later, I was pregnant with my second pregnancy and like a total martyr I decided to host my SIL’s baby shower and wouldn’t you just know it, I miscarried the day before the baby shower. So all the photo’s show her beautifully pregnant and me blotchy and bloated and swollen from cramps and crying. I thought my heart would break.

When we got the news that my first IVF had failed, and believe me, that was like NO OTHER failed fertility treatment before, nothing could compare to that, I thought I was going to die from a broken heart, two weeks later we got the news that my SIL was pregnant with her second baby. I thought it would kill me. We were on holiday with my parents in Cape Town, I cried so much I gave my poor Dad sleepless nights because he couldn’t bare to see the pain I was in.

Those are just a couple of the many many many excrutiatintly painful situations that I have some how managed to survive, some of them were more painful to cope with than others, one other situation was so painful that for the first time in my life, I wanted to commit suicide, I just wanted the pain to stop and if it meant ending my life I was prepared to do that. If it weren’t for the love of my husband and the professional support of a therapist I was seeing at the time, I may not be here today.

Its really painful to see so many of my IF friends, especially the newbies battling with all of the above. With the pain and insecurities and the cruelty of it all. I’ve reached a point where I’ve actually told my fertile friends how I want to be treated just to avoid some of the horrible situations I’ve been faced with in the past. I’ve told them not to just assume that my whole life revolves around infertility, that there are days I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve taught them how to gauge my mood by my responses to questions and when to continue on the topic of my infertility and when to drop it. I’ve also told them how I want to have the news of their pregnancies broken to me because of some reason fertiles seem to think that the best way to tell an infertile they’re pregnant is in person, over a lunch or something and I hate those situations, it feels like being trapped. I prefer to receive a text message with the announcement, this gives me time to cry and be sorry for myself and deal with my emotions before facing the person and expressing my joy at their wonderful news. I just find that’s the easiest way for me and lets face it, easy is a good thing when it comes to infertility, I don’t see it as shameful to look out for my emotions, I’m already rubbed raw as it is.

Now, my friend Cindyis going through a really really rough patch, she’s just received one of those painful announcements that makes us crumple to our knees. Please go show her some love!

Posted in Infertility

Apparently I’m Not Infertile!?

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Like so many of my Infertile and KuKd sisters, I’m often surprised and hurt by the thoughtless and stupid comments and suggestions that are made by well meaning individuals, but what is even more surprising is when these hurtful comments and statements come from a fellow infertile. Yesterday I received a comment on my blog that really hurt my feelings and got me thinking. A well meaning fellow infertile messaged me to tell me I should not call myself infertile because I have been pregnant a number of times, although some of them landed up being miscarraiges and that while I was TTC naturally, she was having to endure rounds of IUI. I can’t tell you how that message felt like a slap in the face, it felt like somebody had punched me in the stomach and even though said individual may read my blog and come across this posting, I really need to get this off my chest in order to let go of the anger I felt over those statements.

For starters, to say some of my pregnancies ended in miscarriage would mean that said individual must think I have a child. Which I don’t. Not some of my pregnancies ended in miscarriage, all of my pregnancies ended in miscarriage, every single one of them. SIX times! Six times, I’ve been fortunate enough to see the second line on an HPT, six times I’ve been telephoned by my Gynae or FS with the wonderful news of doubling beta’s, six times I’ve gone for my six week scan and heard the Dr sigh and felt my heart break because I knew what was coming next. Six time I’ve had B-HCG blood tests done every second day, sometimes for weeks on end as dropping of the HCG levels is monitored. Six times I’ve endured the unbearable cramps and pain of a miscarriage. Six times I’ve thought my heart would break and that I’d never be able to smile again, never be normal again. Six times I’ve wished I were dead rather than have to face the pain of surviving one more moment of my loss. So am I really that lucky to have seen the second line on an HPT six times? Am I luckier than my fellow IF sisters because I’ve received the good news of a pregnancy?

Secondly, I call myself infertile because I always believed that being infertile was being unable to have a child, so far I’ve been unable to have a child, surely that makes me just as infertile as my fellow IF sister who’ve never been pregnant? The only difference between you and me is that when you’ve received the good news of your pregnancy you will believe it to be the happiest day of your life, for me, that is when true terror sets in. Night sweats, heart palpitations, nightmares, panic attacks and constant obsessing about when I”m going to see the blood. Do you know that my FS has already informed me that when I get the wonderful news of my next pregnancy they are going to put me on medication to try and control my anxiety levels because of the impact it has on my blood pressure and on the pregnancy? I have to ask, am I luckier than my fellow never been pregnant IF sister because of the beautiful way that I get to experience a pregnancy?

Thirdly, for those of you who have not read the “about me” section in my blog, here’s a quick recap: 6 first trimester miscarriages, countless chemical pregnancies, 2 laproscopies, 1 hysterscopy, 1 D&C, 1 HSG, 1 Office Hysterscopy, more timed and stimulated cycles than I can even count, 1 long protocol IVF with PGD, 1 “natural” IVF, 1 short protocol IVF with immune modification, 1 tubal ligation, more blood tests than most human beings have in a lifetime, HLA studies, Genetic Counselling, 2 PC Tests. And I shouldn’t call myself infertile?

I’m so sorry if this posting comes across as angry, but I really am angry. To tell me I’m not infertile is like saying just relax and you’ll get pregnant, or take a vacation, or my favorite one, just adopt and then it will happen. Those are the ones that we all know, but there are some extra special ones reserved just for us KuKd sisters: “At least you lost the baby now and not later” Really? I’m so glad that there are better times to loose a baby. “There was probably something wrong with it” Well IT was my baby that I loved with all my heart, I had dreams and aspirations for IT that were shattered when I lost IT.And my most favorite comment of them all: “At least you know you can fall pregnant” Wow, yes, I’m so glad I know I can fall pregnant and have miscarriages, that has brought me soooo much closer to achieving my dream of having a child.

Infertility is hard for all of us, whether you’ve been trying for a year or for 10 years, whether you have primary infertility or secondary infertility, whether you have male factor or female factor, whether you’ve never been pregnant or suffered multiple pregnancy losses. I hate it when I log onto support forums or blogs where some people think that they are more entitled to their pain than somebody else and when they deliberately say things to make others feel like we should pity them more because they’ve been through more. Hurt is hurt, infertility is infertility, it doesn’t come in varying degrees, you either can have a child or your can’t, regardless of your prognosis or treatment. So please well meaning individual, don’t ever trivialize or minimize the pain and hurt and longing of a fellow infertile and KuKd sister.

Posted in Infertility

Too Tattoo??

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This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while…..

For a long time, I’ve wanted to have a permanent, visual reminder of the babies we’ve lost. I’ve wanted something that shows that I will carry them with me forever, that shows that I was forever changed by their fleeting presence in my life. I think I’ve decided, I think I’m going to get a tattoo done, especially when reading up on the symbolism behind the butterfly. Of rebirth, or change and of remembrance.

Here are just some of the references I’ve found to butterflies:

Their passing should not be forgotten. It is a day of transformation both as our baby’s soul took flight, and as our lives were forever changed.

In Christianity it likewise stands for the soul which has escaped the confines of the flesh. In the west, as elsewhere, the symbolism of the butterfly centers upon its unique transformation

Butterflies are powerful symbols for transformation and change throughout many traditions and belief systems.

After pouring over literally thousands of images of butterflies I’ve managed to narrow it down to these two:

The Ornate Butterfly