Tag Archives: parenting

Posted in Ava Grace

Mini Knight in Shining Armour & His Mini Damsel In Distress

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I’ve blogged before about Ava and her best friend, Tristan. While both Ava & Tristan are popular children at school and have many friends, with him choosing to play with the boys & her choosing to play with the girls during free playtime at school, these two will ALWAYS seek each other out, preferring to be together. Play dates are simply not the same for either of them if the other is not there. Ava talks about Tristan all the time and I hear from Tristan’s mommy, that he does the same about Ava. When we have play dates together, this little guy literally sits on the side walk waiting for Ava to arrive and when he see’s our car pulling up, he starts dancing in excited anticipation for the arrival of his bestie.

Ava & Tristan 1

 

Watching their relationship develop has been so very very sweet. Ava and Tristan have known each other since they were 9 months old and started swimming together and then by a twist of fate, landing up in the same nursery school and in the same class where their friendship has blossomed. I’ve been told by Ava’s school teacher that Ava also does not like to share Tristan, when they play ring a ring a rosies or dance, she insists that no one else may dance with him except her.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all moonlight and roses either. These two, while they clearly adore each other, can also fight like cat and dog, with Ava always exerting her dominance over him. Tristan’s mom and I have become firm friends and we both have to stifling giggles constantly as we watch these two go from adoring each other to bickering like an old married couple.

These two little ones share a very special bond and it is heart-warming to watch as each of them go on individual journeys of self discovery while cultivating their special friendship. What has been most enlightening is watching how they have started to realize the difference between boys and girls and thereby the differences between the two of them.

The last few times we’ve had play dates together, it’s becoming more and more clear that they’re becoming more and more aware of the differences between them.

Last week, Kate and I were in fits of giggles at the exchange we witnessed between them. We were at our house and Ava was trying to get her bike up the step so they would ride together, the bike was obviously to heave for her, so Tristan, on noticing her struggle, came striding over like a big little macho man, took the bike from her and hoisted it up the steps, like a true gentleman helping a damsel in distress, she in return praised his manliness with the following exchange:

Ava: Tristan, you’re SO strong, you’re the strongest boy in the world! *strokes male ego*

Tristan: *flexing his muscles, ego suitably stroked* Yes, I am the strongest boy in the world!

Ava & Tristan 2

 

It will be interesting to see how their friendship develops as they both continue on their individual journeys of self discovery!

 

Posted in Parenting

I Lost The Battle But The War Ain’t Over Yet!

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Today is the first day back at school and Ava has been besides herself with excitement since yesterday about going back today! With that in mind, I really thought we’d have an easy morning but this morning was anything but easy. In fact it turned into a mammoth battle of wills, complete with snot and hiccuping from all the crying.

It all started because madam has now decided that she will from now on only eat pink Barbie yoghurt’s.  She doesn’t care that the six pack of Barbie yoghurt’s comes in a variety of flavours. She does not care that I can not magically make the manufacturer of said Barbie yoghurt’s produce a special 6 pack just for her of only pink yoghurt’s. Getting her to eat breakfast this morning was a task that would seriously test my patience. After opening 3 different Barbie yoghurt’s, we finally found one that suitable to madam’s taste. I have decided to stop at my local super market on the way home to buy some pink food colouring and have devised a devious plan to recolour all of Ava’s bloody Barbie Yoghurt’s to pink so that we don’t face this issue in future!

From there we moved to her bedroom to get dressed for school. Following last week’s post about the very specific idea’s Ava has about what she will and won’t wear, I took your advice and have resorted to laying out two different outfits each morning for madam to choose what she wears each day. We have had reasonable success with this method and this morning Ava decided she would wear her Dora t-shirt along with matching leggings. Great! Get her dressed and now its time to push shoes on. She see’s these shoes and all hell breaks loose:

501575642_CERISE_top
Now, while I am prepared to let certain things slide and do try to pick my battles with her. At some point she is going to need to learn, that as stubborn and strong willed as she is, some things are just not going to be negotiable and one of those things is wearing shoes to school.
What followed was a wresting match, where my child displayed some freakishly incredible strength. In the end it took both Walter, Loveness and I to get her shoes on. There was kicking, there was screaming, there was snot, tears and gob flying. It took 3 attempts to get both shoes onto her feet and to keep them on. During that time she changed alliances constantly. From screaming for Loveness to help her against her evil parents, to only wanting her Daddy or Mommy and yelling at Loveness to get away.
By the time we were ready to leave the house, I was seriously flustered, hot and sweaty and in a seriously bad mood.
So we get into the car, her still hucking for breath from all the crying and we drive to school. Half way to school she cheers up and I’m instantly relieved. No more tears just happy proclamations of how she can hear her friends at school calling her already and how much she has missed her teacher. At this point I’m thinking she must have some kind of mood disorder that she can swing from being seriously pissed off and crying hysterically, to happy and sunny in the space of a couple of minutes.
Ha!
The reason for the sudden change in mood became apparent when we got to school! She was happy because she knew she’d won the battle, the offending shoes were off!
So I lost the battle today, but the war on shoes is not over yet.
Round 1 goes to the ever determined Ava-Grace!

 

Posted in Parenting • Product Reviews & Giveaway's

Huggies Momville & What Ava Did!

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So a few weeks ago, we had the pleasure of attending the Jo’burg Huggies Momville launch. Momville is a place for Mom’s to connect to other mom’s, Momville is all about supportive mothers guiding other moms along the journey of parenthood. So whether you’ve got a baby-911 question or want to make mommy-related recommendations, you’re at the right place.
For those of you who don’t know, I’ve already had the pleasure of writing for Momville twice. You can read both of my blogs here:
Will It Really Be Easier The Second Time Around?
The Toughest Job I Ever Loves!
It was such a pleasure for Ava and I to attend the launch of this love project. We had so much fun, meeting Twitter & Blog friends in real life, watching our children interact and playing while we got to hang out, chat and get to know each other in person. The house was exquisite, the food was amazing and I think everyone had a great time.
Well, I had a great time, until I lost my child and now I’m going to break my vow of silence and tell you where I found her….. scroll to the bottom to enjoy my horror!
mycollage

Ava went missing. For about 10 minutes, I couldn’t find her anywhere! I tried to keep my pose and hide my hysteria behind a (what I hoped would seem)  calm façade! I walked throughout the entire our house looking for her, with visions of her having blocked the toilets with all the toilet paper she loves to shove in the loo, or finding her in a private bedroom, rummaging through people’s private things.  No sign of her anywhere in the house.

I headed back outside and lugged my fat arse up the precarious stairs to the dolls house to peek inside as I thought perhaps she was playing her favourite hide and seek game with me. Nope, no sign of her there either. By now, I’m really feeling the hysteria rising inside, trying to keep it out of my voice, I continued calling and walking around looking for her. Then I noticed the back gate was open and my heart sank. Had she simply walked off the premises? What if someone had stolen her? Where the hell could she be. Now I’m trying not to run, still to keep my pose and not go completely bat shit crazy so I start walking around to the open gate where I’m greeted by the gleeful shrieks of a couple of kiddies on bicycles. The one boy, older than the others, must have noted the crazed-I’m-going-into-melt-down-hysteria-look on my face and calmly told me not to worry, Ava was in the garage, she’d found the stash of bicycles, tricycles, scooters and skateboards and was dishing them out to the entourage she had following her.

I found her proudly coming out of the garage riding on a scooter, but by that stage the grip I had on my hysteria was rapidly slipping and I wanted to beat her bum and sob while cradling her in my arms all at the same time. It was then that I noticed it, that my relief was replaced by utter horror….

The white PVA paint smeared on her hands and up her arms!!!!!!!!!!! OMG! What else had she done in these people’s garage? I was too terrified to look, grabbed her by the hand and beat a hasty retreat! This child and her antics…..

So for those you who I never said goodbye to, I do apologize!

Posted in Ava Grace

Do You See A Pattern Here?

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Ava is not what I’d call a timid child. She is a very lively, very boisterous child. While she is a girls girl, she also loves to play with boys. The rougher the better. She doesn’t scare easily and is quite a toughie, often to the detriment of her friends who often land up getting slam-dunked/bashed/wrestled with, whether they like it or now.

One of her favourite things is jumping…. on her trampoline, on a jumping castle, on the couch, on her bed, on her father’s crotch, on my stomach, it doesn’t really matter, she just likes being physically active and on the move constantly, she never stands still. Now I know a lot of people say that about their toddlers, but when Ava is observed with a group of children her own age, she is active, noticeably more so than a lot of her peers.

She also loves going to parties and there is a definite pattern I’ve noticed at the parties she attends. While some children are bouncing on the jumping castle, she is literally leaping into the air! Sometimes her antics actually scare me.

Do you see a pattern? All of these pictures were taken in the last year!

 

Ava Jumpiing 1
Cilla Bloom Ava
AvaJumpingJayden

 

Posted in Parenting

My Parenting Style – Conscious/Unconditional Parenting

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After last week’s controversial debate, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about our (Walter & I) personal parenting style, where we fit in, what is appropriate for us and what isn’t, what our values as parents are and how we are navigating the journey of parenting.

I think it’s NB to say first that I am not against any forms of parenting that other parents choose to adopt but that given my personal journey to parenthood I do sometimes feel judged. The word feel in that statement is an important one, it’s important to note that those are my feelings and not necessarily anyone else or that anyone else is judging me, but more how I judge myself and what I perceive to be area’s that I wish I could have done differently but couldn’t because of our own personal circumstance. As such, they deserve to be acknowledged even if they’re not understood or agreed with by others.

I read Kam’s blog this morning and found myself in total agreement with her. I truly do believe that parenting is not an exact science, it is forever evolving and changing, what is right now will be wrong in a year or two or three. We only have to look at our own upbringings and how we were parented versus the choices we’re making for our children today to see how fluid and constantly evolving parenting is. We are all ultimately a product of our upbringing, no matter how perfect or imperfect or what parenting style our parents chose.

The style of parenting that most fits Walter and I as a label would be Conscious or Unconditional Parenting. Which basically is defined as follows:

Conscious, unconditional parenting represents a paradigm shift from the dominant “power over” view of parenting children to a conscious relational view. Conscious parenting is represented by the spirit of cooperation while the traditional idea of parenting is more closely represented by control.

Parenting is not something that is done to a child but a process of creating a relationship with a child. It is an opportunity for the whole family to experience personal and emotional growth. 

It is important to not confuse Conscious or Unconditional Parenting with Permissive parenting which is characterized as follows:

Compassion, love and understanding are hallmarks of conscious, unconditional parenting.

Do you want to?

  • Reduce arguing, punishing and yelling?
  • Feel positive about your parenting choices?
  • Create more time for yourself?
  • Resolve conflicts without power struggles?

Unconditional parenting is not to be confused with permissive parenting or simply positive parenting. It is not about having ‘no limits’ or letting ‘children rule’ or simply giving kind, logical consequences. It is about re-framing our view of our children’s behavior, healing our own past wounds and allowing the free expression of feelings as we parent with empathy and compassion.

Unconditional parenting requires you to look honestly at your own childhood and acknowledge your emotional experiences. Your roadblocks to authentic parenting and your unconscious decision for choosing your current parenting style are interwoven with your family history and the parenting that you have experienced.

Conscious, unconditional parenting seeks to teach children by modeling principles of respect, love and non-violent communication.

It does not absolve parents of responsibility for the well-being of their children. Instead it requires much, much more of parents emotionally and creatively.

This style of parenting is the one that would best describe our method of parenting Ava, again, how one chooses to parent, I believe, also depends on the nature of the child. Ava is intelligent, determined and very head strong, so this method words best for us.

However, like any parenting style, we do not fit the mould completely because we do bring in elements of discipline. She does need to learn that for every action there is a reaction and that some behaviours are unacceptable. But we have a no spanking policy in our home. Spanking Ava does not work, because she is so strong willed and determined, the 2 or 3 times she has been spanked (swatted on a nappy covered backside) in her entire life have only resulted in me feeling bad about me and escalating her behaviour. A more timid child may have succumbed to the effects of a spank, however, Ava does not, she resists even further.

For us, the best discipline for her has been using time out. In my opinion there does need to be some form of discipline as discipline is and will be expected when she starts school and as her school practises the time out method, it made the most sense for us to carry on with it at home. It’s the only way for us to enforce discipline on her where she understands the consequence of certain behaviours and which is carried out without excessive tantrums or shouting on our part. We do not communicate by shouting in our home as it serves no purpose.

I love Ava, I want her to grow up to be a compassionate individual. I want to celebrate her uniqueness by trying to squeeze her into a mould or by parenting over her or smothering her. I don’t want her growing up being told how she should be feeling. One of the most valuable lessons I took from therapy was that there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings, they should always be acknowledged. I want her to be confident in herself and not dependant on me or her father or someone else for her sense of self or her sense of confidence.

I mean, just look how unique she is, I won’t squeeze my gorgeous round peg into a square hole.

Cilla Bloom Ava

 

 

Posted in Parenting

On Monsters & Other Scaries.

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monster_under_the_bed_6573

I recently read a blog post by Tamryn about why some people think it’s ok to frighten children and introduce them to irrational fears. Then this weekend I saw Anita’s Tweets about how her brother was terrorising her child and it really makes me furious that some people think it’s ok to frighten a child for their own entertainment.

We are having a couple of similar issues ourselves with Ava at the moment. She has developed a debilitating fear of spiders and ants, to the point where she totally freaks out if she sees a spider or an ant anywhere near her and won’t walk outside without shoes on now. She stands at the sliding door and cries bitterly if we’re outside and she doesn’t have shoes on because the spiders and ants will bite her feet. I know this hasn’t come from Walter or I as neither one of us has ever said anything to her about spiders or ants that bite. But this weekend after one of her terrible fear induced crying spells, she managed to tell me that it was Loveness (our nanny) who has been telling her this. Now I know Loveness and I know that she did not have any malicious intention, her aim was simply to try and get Ava’s co-operation with things like putting shoes on before playing outside on the wet grass. But still, there are better ways of going about it. So yesterday morning, I had to have a long chat with her about this and asking her not to frighten Ava into submission.

The other issue stems from one of her little friends at school who has been telling her about monsters. More superficially, monsters under her bed. In the last couple of weeks she has started asking to go to sleep with her bedroom door open and herein lies the dilemma.  Spike (our cat) who is Ava’s best day time play mate is her arch enemy at night. She does not want him on her bed when she sleeps and of course, Spike seems to sense this and takes great pleasure out of pushing her bedroom door open and snuggling up to her while she sleeps. This always results in her waking up and totally freaking out which makes it near impossible to leave her bedroom door open when she sleeps. She’s also asked me to look under her bed for monsters before going to sleep at night.

Walter and I do not, in any way, allow Ava to be exposed to anything that could frighten her. She is only allowed to watch Cbeebies and Disney Junior and her movies are all Disney movies.  If she is awake and the TV is on, we do not watch any TV shows or movies that are not appropriate for her to see. We also don’t try to frighten her into submission with imagined monsters.

Of course, we can’t control what other people tell her or what she’s exposed to outside of our supervision. Not all parents are as strict as we are in terms of exposing children to age appropriate media and of course anything that is age rated is not appropriate for a 3 year old to be seeing, they don’t have the intellect to process what they’re being exposed to and this will often lead to them create scary monsters in their minds and sharing this fear with their friends.  Both Ava and her BFF for school, Tristan, are having issues surrounding a monster under the bed and neither we, nor Tristan’s parents have ever exposed them to these types of fears.

I learned from the spiders/ants issue that to tell her she’s being silly does not allay her fears. Heck, I know that from my own fears, even if they seem ridiculous to others, they’re very real to me.  The only way that I managed to get her to overcome her fear of ants and spiders was to show her that they wouldn’t hurt her, this weekend, I stood on the patio where a line of ants were going on their merry way and had to touch them, try and get them to walk over my fingers and my toes in order to show her that ants will almost always run away from her and that she needn’t be so terrified of the harmless little black ants in the garden.

I believe that this level of conscious parenting is what sets us apart from how previous generations parented their children.  There is much more thought that goes into each action and word spoken to our children. We (some of us) ponder the effects of our words and actions to our children and rely less on pure reaction to parent them.

 Image Courtesy of Never Sleep Again

Posted in Parenting

The Good News About Sleep Training

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Sleep training, or sleep guidance, or sleep assistance, or whatever you’d like to call it, is a heavily debated topic in parenting circles. Those against sleep training often label it as cruel or “evil” without even having an understanding of what sleeping training/guidance/assistance actually involves. The two most popular and, in my opinion, gentle methose are the controlled comforting method and the camping out method, used by Super Nanny. Those of us who have practised it know that there is nothing cruel or evil about it and we have seen first hand the benefits of it.

From my own experience I know that the benefits of sleep training were far reaching. I felt less depressed, anxious, overwhelmed and stressed when I was well rested which in turn helped me to be the best Mom I could be to my baby. And for my baby, there was no denying that she was a far happier, easy going and settled child when she too was well rested.

A lot of Mom’s are afraid to sleep train because they worry about the long term emotional effects that it could have on their baby but new research is now proving that there is no long term effect in terms of parent to baby bonding and that children who were gently sleep trained show no adverse effects, no emotional trauma no difference in their emotions, sociability and conduct to those who were not sleep trained.

The previously accepted theory that babies who are sleep trained are more inclined to develop hyperactivity has also been disproved. In fact, the study concluded that children who had not been sleep trained, and I quote:

In fact, slightly more children in the control group had emotional or behavioral problems than in the sleep-trained group.

The final finding of the study was this:

Meanwhile, earlier data from the study show that sleep-training does work: babies learn to go to sleep easier at bedtime and stay asleep longer at night. Based on the findings, the authors conclude that sleep-training is safe and effective, and call for an increase in parent education about these methods as well as more training for health specialists to recommend the procedures.

You can read the full article here: http://healthland.time.com/2012/09/10/its-o-k-to-let-babies-cry-it-out-at-bedtime/?iid=hl-main-lede

If you think that gentle sleep training is something you’d like to try, I’d really encourage you to attend a Baby Love seminar or book a one on one session with their trainers.  You can visit Baby Love’s website for more info.

 

Posted in Parenting

Dear Mattel, I hate you, I really hate you!

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Clearly your toys, created for children, are not designed with the safety or sanity of parents in mind.

See exhibit A:

Barbie Guitar
Due to, what I can only assume was a moment of complete grey matter failure, where all the motor nuerons in my husbands brain ceased to transmit warning messages to him and his brain stopped functioning all together, he agreed to purchase exhibit A, as seen above for our darling, Barbie mad princess.
I have never in my life had such an adverse reaction to ANY toy my child has ever owned, from the annoying Winnie The Pooh dialogue that came standard with her walker, to the irritating crashes and bangs of her drum and tambourine or the foghorn loud vuvuzela she loves to blow.
To make matters worse, the entire guitar must be covered in some secretly addictive substance that has resulted in her being unable to put the guitar down or leave it alone from the time of my husbands brain malfunction where he stood in the ridiculously long queue at Toys R Us, surrounded by other harassed parents and tantrumy children and then willingly handing over his credit card and made this ridiculous purchase!
If I have to hear the song – I’m A Barbie Girl one more time, I may, myself have a complete mental break down which will result in my lying in the corner of a padded cell sucking my thumb and rocking back & fourth in the fetal position while wearing senile nappies!
It’s bad enough that this toy has increased my tolerance for violence. Last night I secretly conspired to beat my husband to death using Exhibit A as a weapon after our princess had gone to sleep! But I’ve also taken to acts of cruelty towards my princess, each time she puts the guitar down to use the bathroom, eat or drink, I have tried to come up with creative ways of hiding it from her. Whether it be shoved under her bed or hidden under a mound of pillows on the couch. But somehow she is always drawn to it and finds it within minutes! I’ve already started fantasizing about when the batteries run flat and I can tell her it’s broken and toss it in the trash!
qNrwer1347221887
What I found most surprising was while looking for a suitable image to use for this blog posting, I came across thousands and thousands of favorable reviews for it! What is wrong with these parents? Have they been driven so insane by this I’m-a-bloody-Barbie-girl-guitar that they’ve lost touch with reality and their motor neuron’s have stopped transmitting altogether? Or have they just been rendered clinically deaf by the incessant noise???
And if you don’t believe me…. well, I’ll just let the video speak for itself!
 Image courtesy of Kaboodle.

 

Posted in Parenting

My Opinion – Childhood Development & The Digital Era

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This morning, I read with interest, a Face Book feed about whether or not to invest in a Leappad for a child.  Most of the debate was around the purchase of a Leappad versus an iPad. But there was one comment that caught my attention and if I’m honest, put my back up and irritated me:

I don’t know if my opinion is because of my OT or child development background or what , but I have strong opinions that kids should be outside climbing trees, getting dirty, doing jigsaw puzzles etc rather than using electronic gadgets like leappad or iPad. Research also shows that kids who spend more time in front of screens (phones,TV or computers) have been shown to have increased rates of ADD and depression. I can’t remember the exact amount, but its something like 2 hours a day. Let your kids use their imagination and play. There’ll be plenty of time when they’re older to use these gadgets

LeapFrog-LeapPad-Explorer-4

 

Those of you who have been reading The Blessed Barrenness for a while will know that I work in the gaming industry, for the largest importer and distributor of games into the South African market. Gaming is my industry and it has been going on almost 8 years now.  I’ve previously written about the advantages of video game playing for children, and the same logic would apply to the use of iPad’s and Leappad’s.

Just a few of the advantages include:

  • teaching problem solving skills
  • game dependant – inspiring an interest in history and culture
  • Improved social development & ability to make friends because contrary to the belief that video games are an isolating activity, they enhance social activity giving kids common grounds and interests to talk/share about
  • sporting games can encourage exercise  because players will want to try out the new basketball/skateboard (insert sport name here) on their own
  • they encourage leadership skills & the ability to work together to solve problems
  • they bring parents & children together for time spent playing together

Of course, the key with any of these activities, whether it be video games, Leappad’s or iPads & tablets is that the screen time should be moderated and any half intelligent parent will know this without needing an expert opinion. We all know that leaving our child to sit in front of a TV or other electronic gadget for 8 hours a day is not good for them or their development.

I think what irritated me most about the comment that was made was that it was unrealistic. Of course children should be running outside, getting dirty, riding bikes and climbing tree’s but realistically, that is not possible for every waking hour of every day. Our tablet/Leappad/gadget collection have proven to be our saving grace during long car journey’s, on flights, on cold rainy days or even simply when I need half an hour to throw supper together and I don’t want to leave my 2 and a half year old running unsupervised by herself outside – that, in my mind would be irresponsible parenting.

Ava does not have unlimited access to her Leappad or my tablet. There is a time and a place for it’s use and when it’s not appropriate, those items are packed away and easily forgotten by her because ultimately she is just a child and would always prefer to be running outside, climbing the jungle gym or jumping on her trampoline.

The fact remains, regardless of one’s opinions on all these gadgets, that we live in a digital era and by banning these items completely from a child’s life are we not setting them back in their expected development? There are school’s which now require that Grade 1 pupils have their own iPad’s for goodness sakes. So by preventing your child from having limited access any technology related activity, ultimately,  are you not putting them at a disadvantage when they start school?

I have seen first hand with Ava’s development, how her access to technology has improved both her gross motor skill development and her intellectual development. She can operate a touch screen better than most adults, can recognize familiar buttons with ease and knows how to find the app’s and games she wants to play by herself.  Her problem solving skills and logic are excellent and she is able to build puzzles designed for much older children, all of this comes from regular but limited access to technology based gadgets like her Leappad and our tablets, her favourite app’s include puzzle building and numbers with simple arithmetic. She also loves taking photographs of anything and everything and all of this is attributed to the use of her Leappad and our gadgets.

My parenting philosophy has and will remain  everything in moderation and in practice we do the same with her screen time and use of technology.

Image Courtesy Of - leapfrogleappadexplorer.net

Posted in Parenting

Raising MY Little Girl To Be MORE…

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The opinions expressed below are mine and they are exactly that, opinions, based on my views, my truth and by no means fact. 

I want to add my voice to the debate that has been on going in blogland and the twitterverse over the last few days regarding Pamper Parties. However, the views I’m expressing below are based on the bigger picture and are not directly aimed solely at Pamper Parties but rather at the sexualization of little girls and how we’re raising our daughters.

You can read two opposing viewpoints on Pamper Parties here:

I’m inclined to agree with the views expressed in the first written piece against Pamper Parties and it’s not so much because of the Pamper Parties but rather the messages that such young girls are being bombarded with from such a young age. I think the issue at hand is far bigger than a pamper party but rather the sexualization and objectification of women and girls.

I’m totally against (for my own child) raising her in a way that she learns that being a spoiled, self-indulged, superficial, vain little madam are desirable qualities in a girl. Do Pamper Parties teach her that? In my opinion yes, because of the messages they send. That she is no more than how she looks and how she presents herself. Is this in any different to playing dress up and trying on my shoes or sneaking off to play in her room with my make up bag? Yes, in my opinion it is. One is clearly a child playing, the other is a child simulating adulthood and bringing Ava safely into adulthood is something I don’t want to rush. She has plenty of time to become a grown up, she has many years ahead of her to be encouraged to grow up and it’s not something I want to do prematurely.

lipstick little girl

 

She is only allowed to watch age appropriate TV and movies. This is something both Walter and I feel strongly about and is not something that will change any time soon. I don’t want my 10 year old being exposed to 18 rated movies, games, music.

We only listen to age appropriate music as a family, I don’t want her being exposed to the sexually explicit lyrics/profanity contained in so much of our popular music that so often lends to the idea that a woman is only an object of sexual desire.

I won’t be taking her to a Lady Gaga concert or allowing her to watch age restricted movies or attend pamper parties until I deem her old enough and emotionally mature enough to deal with the content and messages behind such activities. Will she like me because of the choices I make for her? At times, probably not. But parenting is not about winning a popularity content and  my responsibility is to raise her to be an independent, strong minded adult with a strong moral compass and I feel I would be failing her if I allowed her do to/see/dress/say as her friends do. As my own mother would say: If you friends jumped in a fire, would you jump in to?

I feel as a society, we’ve lived so long with the objectification and sexualization of women and girls that sometimes the lines blur and it’s hard to judge what will send a good positive message and what won’t or to weed out what are suitable, age appropriate messages and what is not.

As mothers of girls, we all agree that this is not a suitable image or roll model for our daughters:

pageant+girl
And we’re all quick to express our opinions and our distaste for such images and the shows that promote these values in little girls and yet, in our own lives, our daughters are bombarded with equally damaging, if not as blatantly obvious images & messages of how young girls should be. Visit the kids clothing store and the little girls area’s contain off the shoulder tops, one shouldered outfits, minidress’s and padded bra’s all for children under the age of 10!
Granted Pamper Parties, Hanna Montana and the like are not as obvious but at the end of the day, the message that they are sending our little girls is that she has to conform and has to look a certain way in order to be of value and to gain popularity.
Granted, as parents, we will never be able to control everything that our children are exposed to, but in the area’s that we do have control, we need to be establishing strong moral compasses and strong values and sense of self that are not based purely on how our daughters look.
I read a brilliant article recently on way’s we’re holding girls back and so much of it rung true for me. Most especially how we raise our daughters to believe that they are/have to be/need to be pretty to the exclusion of all else.
And it’s for that reason that I’m against Pamper Parties and the like. Because I don’t want to raise Ava to believe that the only expectation of her in life is the way she looks and how she presents herself. Of course raising her not to believe these things means that I will also have to take a long hard look at myself and the messages she gets from me and how I present myself as a woman.
But at the end of the day I’m learning that parenting is a hard job and it’s not written in stone. There is no right or wrong way, there no manual on how to raise the perfect child. The boundaries, opinions and objectives I have today could change tomorrow.
I still haven’t been able to completely and clearly articulate exactly why I feel the way I do about the sexualization and objectification of little girls, I just know that I am, for now, 100% against it, whether I’m right or wrong still remains to be seen….

 

 

Posted in Parenting

Mommy & Daddy Take A Time Out!

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One of the hardest lesson’s that both Walter and I have had to learn since becoming parents is the importance of having time away from Ava, just the two of us, or with adult friends. It’s really hard to leave her for an adult evening out and while we always look forward to kicking back and enjoying some grown up time, both of us almost always feel guilty about it.

But with time, it’s something we’ve gotten better and better at doing and now we make an effort to at least once a month, plan adult time without Ava.

This past weekend we planned an overnight grown up’s evening out with some friends. I’d been so looking forward to it for week’s but must admit that when it came time for us to leave, I almost didn’t want to go, on account of how Ava was crying that she wanted to come with us. But we kissed her goodbye, told her we loved her and would see her soon and off we went for an overnight stay at Emperors Palace.

We started out at Hooters which was an interesting experience. I was mostly astounded by the number of people who took their young children and babies into the smoking section! But it it was lots of fun and good for a laugh! We had planned on taking in an afternoon nap, as you do when you have young children, because that is the one thing that I miss the most from weekends during our years being childless. But of course, the fun found us and so that never happened!

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After showering and changing in record time, we were back in time for our 6pm dinner reservation followed by the main evening… the OMD concert! Which was really fantastic! Despite the band members all now being well into their 50′s, they came out on stage, ordered everyone out of their seats and we literally danced and sang our lungs out for two hours! I thought I only knew a handful of OMD songs but it turns out they are such icons of 80′s music that  I found myself singing along to, jumping, dancing and clapping with every song! They played all of their big hits including Enola Gay, Joan of Arc, 7 Sea’s, Electric and my most favorite son of theirs, Locomotion!
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I was and remain such a huge fan if 80′s electro pop! The concert was fantastic!
After the concert we headed back to Hooters to continue the fun and finally fell into bed at around 1am! The best part about staying over was knowing that no one had to remain responsible, we could all have a fabulous evening and we got to sleep until 9am the next morning!
It was a great night out with great friends and the perfect way to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary which is coming up on Thursday.
I still struggle with feelings of guilt over leaving Ava but I have learnt that these times are so very important for both Walter and I and for caring for our marriage and remembering that even though we are now parents, we are still the people we once were before the responsibility of parenting our much loved child.

 

 

Posted in Parenting

Shaping My Child Through My Own Insecurities

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I’m often struck by how much raising my daughter takes me back to my own childhood, to happy memories but also to some of my own insecurities. This week I was reminded more about my own insecurities and I’ve thought a lot about how I can shield Ava from hurt and from developing the same insecurities that I had as a child.

I’ve blogged about this before, but as a young child, I was deathly shy, a real wall flower! Add to that, I was always the tallest in my class and lanky, all uncoordinated limbs, freckles and the personality of a frightened mouse and it will come as no surprise to know that as a young child, I was anything but popular. I had one or two little friends and I hated everything about school, it made me scared and anxious and my mother still has flashbacks of dropping me at school and being able to hear me screaming, pleading and begging: “Mommy don’t leave me!”

My worst nightmare in the early years of my schooling were birthday parties and the handing out of party invites. The child who had party invites would be called to the front of the class with her pile of party invitations, she’d stand proudly next to the teacher, who would read out the names on the envelopes from the pile of invitations and one by one the honoured guests would be called to the front of the class to fetch their prized party invite. There were always a couple of girls not included in the party and I was almost always one of them. I hated how it made me feel. I hated how rejected it made me feel. I hated knowing that I wasn’t wanted at a classmates party, that I wasn’t pretty enough, fun enough, cool enough or smart enough to cop an invite.

I hated it. I hated how rejected, stupid and humiliated it made me feel. Now as an adult, I see the damage it it to me as a person, how that experience played a role in shaping who I am as an adult. The insecurities I have now as an adult. How I question myself now as an adult, how I feel rejected by friendships now as an adult.  How I second guess myself as a valued friend, or how I worry about what others thing/say/feel about me.

I appreciate more and more each day, the more experienced I become as a mother, how everything we learn as children, everything we say to our children, every direct and indirect message we receive as children will shape who we are and how we operate as adults.

I am so determined, as a mother, to try and shield Ava from as many negative influences as I can. I am concious of and working constantly at helping to shape her into a confident adult.

This week there were party invites handed out in her class and she did not get one! She’s still young and will hopefully not be aware of this, but hearing about it, brought back so many of my own insecurities and unpleasant memories of my own childhood, sitting in class, watching everyone proudly going up, hugging and grabbing their party invites and knowing there probably wouldn’t be one for me.

God, parenting is hard, there are so many ways to fail and while I know it is inevitable, I don’t want to see Ava hurt. Knowing that she already has additional issues to deal with, being adopted and the questions that will raise, I don’t want her burdened with issues of self worth & rejection.

Sometimes I wish I could shield her from the world.

talkingtochildren

 

Posted in Parenting

The Important Task Of Choosing The Right Underpants

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One of the first lesson’s one learns when parenting a toddler is – choose your battles! Some things are just not worth locking horns and getting into a battle of wills over. Now, when you add to that equation to VERY strong willed, determined girls – Ava & I, you’ll understand that there are some things I choose to let slide…

Like when Ava insists on taking a toy with her to school every day, even though the school requests that parents don’t allow it, frankly, it’s just far easier to let Ava take her Spur balloon or a plastic golf club to school in an attempt to keep the peace and avoid a long drive to school listening to a tantrum complete with snot and crocodile tears.

Or when she doesn’t want to wear her gown and slippers on the chilly mornings but would rather wear a “trackie top” and takkies… I choose to let it go. She’s warm, she’s suitably dressed for the chilly weather, does it really matter if she’s wearing her gown and slippers or a “trackie” top? In my opinion, NO!

But one of her quirks is slowly starting to drive me crazy and is costing me a small fortune!

 

Ava is SUPER chuffed that she no longer wears nappies, in her words, nappies are for babies and if you bring a nappy anywhere near her during the day, she has a total melt down! She has also formed very strong opinions about what she will and won’t wear!

For example, she will ONLY wear a tracksuit top if it has a zip up the front, if it’s a tracksuit top that gets pulled over her head, she will absolutely, no way Jose, refuse to have it come anywhere near her!

She also has her own rule about what “underpants” she will and won’t wear!

Woolies Girls Undies

See exhibit A – the first 3 pairs are acceptable to her, the last two pairs I may as well take out of the packet and throw in the trash as soon as I get home from the shops. Can you tell what her acceptable “underpants” criteria is? Let me paint a picture for you. In an attempt to give her some say in what she wears to school each day (aside from the “trackie” top thing) she is allowed to choose which brooks she wants to wear. She will stand at her cupboard for as long as it takes and unfold and refold all 25 pairs of brooks in her cupboard until she finds the one that meets her criteria!

The criteria is very simple! It ABSOLUTELY has GOT TO have a picture on the front. No picture! No wearing of those underpants! Finished and klaar! No arguments about it!

Then there is also a secondary criteria.

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See exhibit B.

The first pair of underpants meet all the criteria, the 3rd pair of underpants I may be able to get onto her when she’s suitably distracted but the middle pair? Not if my life depended on it! And the issue? Quite simple (in her mind) anything with a pattern that contains polka dots, hearts, little birds etc etc etc is for babies and she will kick and thrash about screaming how she’s not a baby if I bring any polka dotty, hearty, cute little birdie, patterned “underpants” anywhere near her cute little bums!

I have looked in every conceivable shop that stock little girl brooks but it would seem they all have the same clever plan. Sell brooks in bulk packs, ensuring that one to two pairs are cute with  picture on the front and the remaining pairs are hideous plain and boring or for babies! That way suckers like me don’t just purchase one or two bulk packs, we land up buying three or four bulk packs because at least one to two pairs of brooks from each pack will either never be worn or tossed in the trash as soon as we get home!

So please dear retailers, take pity on Mom’s like me and make ALL the underpants in your packs have pretty pictures on the front and no baby patterns? Please?

 

 

 

Posted in Parenting

The One About Pooping & Pink Princess Skateboards…

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*not for the squeamish or sensitive *

We’re upping our bribery game! While those cute little bunnies have worked wonders for getting Ava to eat and for potty training in general, they simply do not have a strong enough appeal to get her to poop in the toilet and frankly, scraping mounds of poop out of her skid marked underpants is simply no fun. There is only so much dry heaving I can do before my salivary glands run dry and I crack a rib in the process. I’ve scrubbed poop out from under my own finger nails more times than I care to remember and the buck has to stop here. Even she’s revolted by what comes out of her underpants but still there’s this resistance to do anything except make a wee in the toilet!

Potty Training

So we’ve decided to increase the reward from a cheap little plastic bunny to the one thing her heart (currently) most desires…….. A Pink Princess Skateboard!

I know what a skateboard is but I have no idea what a pink princess skateboard is! But if it encourages her to use the toilet for her doodies, then I’ll even spray paint a regular skateboard for her, hell I’d even go so far as to have one custom made for her.

So the deal started yesterday, if she uses the toilet or her potty to make #2, then she will get a pink princess skateboard. I’m not sure if the excitement over the pink princess skateboard has brought on a bout constipation or if it was just Murphy messing with us, but yesterday, there was no passing of granite, either in the toilet, the potty or her underpants.

Perhaps today my little skater girl will win the battle and we’ll be shopping for her skater girl get up later this week!

 

skatergirl

 

Posted in Parenting

Bribery & Corruption – Toddler Style!

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Every parent knows that bribery goes alooong way when dealing with a toddler! Struggling to potty train? Introduce a bribery reward system. Battling to get your toddler to eat? Offer them a bribe reward!

Offering Ava a reward for a task completed has always worked very well for us, whether it was getting her to use the toilet or getting her to eat her dinner. If there was a reward offered, you bet she’d do it. Initially stickers on a chart worked really well but she soon tired of that and it was no longer a great reward for her, so when being offered a sticker for eating her dinner, she’d give me a rather bored look and wander off.

Then I had a moment of pure genius! Rayman Raving Rabbids!

And I remembered that in our warehouse we still had left over figurines from the last release of Rayman Raving Rabbids. A quick call to the warehouse and I’d organised a bulk box of these cute around-the-world figurines.

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We started using them as a bribe reward for Ava a couple of week’s ago and the results have been astonishing! Within a couple of days her potty training was sorted! And dinner time is no longer a supreme battle of wills.

Me: Ava, if you eat just ONE smackaroo, Mommy will fetch you a bunny!

Ava: nom nom nom Dewishious! Lets get a bunny!

We now have a collection of these funny little bunnies everywhere, in the bath, in Ava’s bed, even chewed up in the dogs bed!

But they are working, they are the ultimate in bribes rewards for her!

The only time this bribe reward system appears to be failing is getting her to poop in the toilet! We are still struggling with this and I am still spending time each day, dry heaving with toilet paper wadded in my hand, scooping poop out of her pants!

What bribery reward system has worked best for you?

 

 

 

Posted in Parenting

Roseola! Gah!

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Yesterday we finally got to the bottom of what has been making my poor baby so very very sick! Roseola! She has been very sick since Wednesday night with fever spikes, delirium and terrifying hallucinations of being attacked by dogs! She complained of a sore neck (which totally freaked me out) saw paw (don’t even ask) and a sore leg. She stopped eating and drinking and by Saturday I could see the not eating taking it’s toll on her as her little bum all but disappeared and her legs started looking like sticks.

We did a trip to the Dr on Friday and she was diagnosed with a throat infection and sinus, but somehow this diagnosis just didn’t seem to fit with how very sick she was. Of course, it all became very clear when she woke up on Sunday morning with a fine heat like rash covering her chest and stomach!

She has been exceptionally lethargic all weekend and it’s been heartbreaking to watch. We’ve tried to keep her quiet and spent a lot of time building puzzles, reading books and watching TV this weekend.

On a funny note, yesterday morning, I noticed that she’d been leaning against the couch watching TV and very still for an extended period, when I went to check on her I had to stop myself from laughing as this is what I found:

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My poor angel has been really very sick!

 

Posted in Parenting

School Holidays! Gah!

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Ava’s school closed for 3 weeks of school holiday’s last week. It’s a fabulous school and she is very happy there! But it is a school that caters more towards homes with SAHM’s. A normal school day runs from 08h00 to 12h30 and after care is only until 15h00 with no holiday program.

These holiday’s kind of snuck up on me. With my 40th birthday party and a writing assignment, my mind was elsewhere and I never really gave too much thought as to what we were going to do with our little monkey when the holiday’s began.

Sure we have Loveness who will be there during the day to care of Ava. But she will get bored and she will get lonely and 3 weeks is a loooong time to be away from your friends.

Thankfully, there are some very clever Mom’s at our school and thankfully I am a rather forward Mom!

So when I picked her up on the last day of school, one of the clever mommies happened to mention to me that she had booked their assistant teacher to come to her home for the school holiday’s and run a holiday program of sorts, from her home for her son, Tristan, who also happens to be one of Ava’s very best BFF’s!

Not one to be shy I immediately asked how she’d feel about Ava joining their make shift holiday program and she was delighted!

So our two little monkey’s have spent the first week of their school holiday’s riding bikes, drawing, doing arts and crafts and having so much fun that when I collect Ava at midday she literally has to carried to the car by her arms while she thrashes her legs about and does mid-air running with her legs and screaming – I want to stay with Tristan, I want to stay with Tristan!

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I’m utterly thrilled at how well this arrangement is working out for us. This week’s program was at Tristan’s house and next week they will be at our house. Teacher Juliet is an absolute gem, she keeps them busy and stimulated and makes sure they eat their mid-morning snacks and everyone is having the very best fun.

Best part of all, we’ve already organized for Teacher Juliet to do the same for us during the first few week’s of the loooong December holidays!

<5 Clever Mom’s!

vote-for-me-mommy-blogger

 

 

 

Posted in Ava Grace

Madagascar 3 – Escape To The Toilet

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After reading so many mommy bloggers having success taking their littlies to the movies for the first time in the last couple of months, I decided it would be a great idea to treat Ava to her very first movie!

On Sunday we headed off to Monte Casino to see Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted. Ava-Grace was besides herself about seeing the “big TV” but the outing was very nearly called off before we’d even made it to the Cinema – damn you Magic Land!

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After spending a small fortune on token’s (clever how the token machine doesn’t give change so you slide in your only cash, a R50 note and it spews out a bucket load of tokens) and then having Ava ride on every conceivable ride in Magic Land, of which there are many, I had to practically carry her crying into the cinema!
Eventually we get our tickets and because madam is now potty trained, I decide a trip to the toilet would be a good idea before going into the cinema, only, there is no little step or toilet trainer on the toilet and Missy takes one look at the large and somewhat gross toilets (why are cinema toilets always so disgusting?) and decides there is no way in hell she is making a wee on that.
Right, toilet trip aborted, we collect our popcorn, “cola” and Jelly Babies as I promised and head into the cinema. Now at this point, I should mention, Ava’s no. 1 food choice is popcorn. She LOVES it and is quite shocked to discover there are trails of the offending fluff lying all over the floor of the cinema, trails of it leading off in every direction and Missy has GOT to collect every last piece of it off the floor to add to her already overflowing box of popcorn! After explaining to her for the umpteenth time that we don’t pick up food off the floor anywhere except at home, I finally drag her into her seat and no sooner had our bums hit the chair than the movie started.
The look on her precious little face was priceless. She was in awe, engulfed by the huge movie seat, with her little box of popcorn, she simply couldn’t tear her eyes away from the screen.
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The first half an hour everything went perfectly. Ava sat in her chair with her popcorn and “cola” and was mesmerized by the scenes unfolding before her.
But about half way through the movie she decided that she did in fact need the toilet and so the bathroom inspections began!
FOUR! YES FOUR trips to the toilet in the space of 20 minutes,  later and only one wee, I was about ready to ask her if she wanted to go home! Half the problem was the Ice Age promo that was happening in the foyer of the cinema, clever bastards them promoters! Apparently watching balloon art and getting an elephant shaped balloon is much more fun than actually watching the movie.
Eventually I managed to coax her back into the cinema but she flat out refused to sit in her seat choosing instead to stand in the isle, once again eating popcorn off the floor and dancing to the Katy Perry Fireworks song that was played repeatedly throughout the movie.
So our first movie attempt was not perfect but Ava maintains that she loved it and she wants to go again to see the movie with the elephant (Ice Age).
Perhaps our second attempt will be more about watching the actual movie than escapes to the bathroom!

 

Posted in Parenting

Lets Talk About Pooh Baby…

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Let’s talk about you and me, lets talk about all the good things and the bad things that maybe, lets talk about pooh, lets talk about pooh!

*sung to the tune of Salt-n-Pepa’s song Lets Talk About S.E.X.*

*TMI alert stop reading now if you’re squeamish!*

One of the things I never anticipated when becoming a mother was how obsessed I would become with my child’s bowel movements or lack there of, from how often to she pooh’s or doesn’t pooh. I’m an expert and the meanings of pooh textures, colours and smells! My life is governed by her poop schedule. When I arrive home in the afternoon’s, the first thing I ask the nanny is if she’d pooped and how many times she has pooped.

This is not a phase, I’m now two and a half years into being a mother and while the stages of my pooh diary have changed the actual obsession with poop has not!

When Ava was a newborn I was obsessed with the best ways to effectively remove the sticky tar like meconium from her skin.

Then we had the unfortunate incident at Constantiaberg Medi Clinic involving a trip to the emergency room and getting the on call Pead to come and see my newborn babies bowel movement and her meconium switched to normal baby pooh while I held back the tears of shock caused by the yellow, runny goo smeared into her nappy.

Shortly thereafter she began battling with Colic and constipation and I learned all about administering glycerine suppositories, a.n.a.l fissures and compacted constipation.

I lived and breathed for the times when Ava pooped. I’d panic when she didn’t poop, I’d mark off on the calendar when she did poop, the consistency, the colour, how many days in between poops.

I became a pro and applying topical aesthetics and administering suppositories. I learned how to help her in the times when her constipation was so bad she was writhing in pain. How when her constipation became so impacted that she struggled even with a suppository and a dose of Pegicol, making her body stiff and screaming from the pain it caused. I knew how to give her relief.

I have caught pooh’s with my bare hands as they’ve fallen out her bum on the way to the bathroom. I’ve had pooh under my finger nails and on my fingers. I’ve washed down a body covered in pooh more times than I care to remember.

I have gagged and cleaned up when Ava went through a phase of taking a dump in the early hours of the morning and then removing her nappy and dropping a brown steaming cigar on the carpet.

Now we are potty training! Which has gone amazingly well, a couple of accidents but nothing for 5 days and counting. I am very proud of Ava, it’s like something has just clicked! She knows when she wants to use the toilet, we don’t need to ask her if she needs to go to the loo. She will simply announce she needs the toilet and takes herself off to the toilet, even insisting on closing the bathroom door.

Fantastic right?

Well yes, except that she won’t make a pooh in the toilet. In the past week, I’ve gingerly wadded my hand in toilet paper to remove mud balls from her underpants. I have stared into the toilet looking for any evidence of a pooh each time she proudly announces she has pooh’d in the toilet and I have bunched up wads of loo paper and collected little mud parcels off the floor next to the toilet while she loudly exclaims: “Eeeuw Mommy! That’s yukky!”

I am the queen of pooh!  I could never have dreamed in my years of being childless that one day my life would be so governed my pooh!

While motherhood is full of wet kisses, squishy hugs and warm fuzzy’s, it’s also the most unglamorous job I’ve ever had! A total pooh fest!