POAS | The Blessed Barrenness

Since My Failed IVF….

There has been a rather large shift in one area of my life since my last failed IVF. Somehow the obsession with TTC seems to have past. I have no desire to try, I have no desire to have treatment, I’m not sure if its because I’m gun shy or just fed up. I do know I still really want a family of my own, I just don’t seem to have the guts to do the work to make it happen.

Its been 4 months since my IVF failed, in that 4 months, I have not tracked my cycle, I have not temped, I have not checked for ovulation and I’ve certainly not bothered to try & convince W that we should have s.e.x. (not that he needs much convincing) if anything, if I’ve suspected that its been any where near ovulation, I’ve avoided s.e.x. all together. I suppose part of it is that I feel like its a waste of time, I’ve started to feel like its never gonna happen and the other part of me is afraid to face the disappointments that come with TTC’ing all over again.

So its with a bit of a shock that I realized this am that I thinkI’m late! I’m not sure how late, hell I’m not even sure if I am late, but I’m pretty sure I had EWCM on Monday, two weeks back, so if I have a regular 28 day cycle (which I do) then surely by now???? With that sudden realization, all the sucky thoughts that go along with it came rushing back, I immediately had this urge to POAS (BFN) not that I actually trust those things, cos believe me, if you want to see a BFP you can pretty much imagine a second line there. Then I started symptom checking and aside from being overly tearful there is nothing to suggest I could be that which shall not be mentioned!

I don’t feel like I am, I don’t believe that I could be and yet just realizing that I’m late has totally messed with my head. Ugh I hate this, I’m so tired of this, I’m so sick of this!

Edited To Add: About 2 hours after hitting the publish button on this blog posting, guess what happened?? AF arrived! hahahahahahaha

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Hope – Sometimes You’re Such A Bitch

Comments:35 Comments

First – a warning – long, whiny assed, self pitying post ahead, forgive me, I’m in a very bad head space at the moment.

Now for the promised blog posting that has everyone so intrigued. And an apology, it sounded far more intriguing than what it actually is. Its just another example of how infertility sucks HAIRBALLS. Of how infertility can make you loose your mind, of how infertility can give you a glimmer of hope and then rip it away just as fast.

W and I are scheduled to start out IVF in approximately a month. This was our last cycle to give it out best shot. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting anything, but in an attempt at being optimistic, I figured miracles happend all the time to other infertiles, there’s no reason it can’t happen for me.

And so we started this cycle, determined to do everything within our power to save ourselves the planned R36 000 IVF layout. I charted diligently, we ate healthily, I used OPK’s which I hate and find extremely tiresome, as soon as I started seeing the surge on the OPK’s we ensured we had intercourse on all the right days. We used PreSeed to get around my Hostile Cervical Mucous issue. I think we covered all the bases. And then it happened, my picture perfect chart (for the first time since I started charting 7 months ago) showed ovulation exactly on CD14, one day after I’d had the surge on the OPK and one day after I’d had my fertile mucous showing. And for the first time in months I got a glimmer of hope. I thought with such a great chart, surely we had a good chance at success.

Then on CD22, exactly 8 days past ovulation, I got bright red spotting, very light and only once, it hasn’t happened again. And what’s the first thing that goes through an infertiles head when they see spotting around that time of their cycle? Yes! You’re right, as stupid as it sounds, I thought it may be implantation spotting, even though I’d NEVER had it with any of my 6 previous pregnancies or with anyof my chemical pregnancies. But I justified it to myself saying this would be my first pregnancy in a healthy uterus. There would be no polyp to interfere with the implanting embryo, there would be no toxic fluid leaking from my right fallopian tube damaging my embryo, there would be no scar tissue and no septum, the embryo would be able to implant into healthy endometrium lining and perhaps that is why for the first time in my life I was experiencing implantation spotting.

So what do you think I did next? Of course, if you’re infertile you’ll know the answer to that! I rushed to my local pharmacy and under the guise of buying magazines, cotton wool and supplements, I lined the bottom of my basket with every brand of Home Pregnancy Test I could get my hands on. You see, with all of my previous pregnancies, I’ve aways shown + results very early. With my last pregnancy, for example, I tested + with a home test on CD22, I had a + blood test with an HCG count of 30 on CD25. I had my repeat test done on CD27 with a count of 79 and my final blood test was done on CD29 with a count of 200. So I figured there’d be no harm in pee’ing on the home test straight away – POSITIVE result. So now I’d like to draw your attention to my chart below:

21d1de

What followed was torture like any other wait with fertility treatment is torture. I spent the rest of the day unable to work, staring at this + pregnancy test. Dumb founded, trying to convince myself that it was in fact not true. But unable to deny what my eyes could see. That’s when the anxiety started kicking in. I usually hate telling W about these things because I hate to see how I get his hopes up only crush them a few days later, but this time I had to tell him. So on Thursday morning, with my first morning urine, I did another home test,this time with him at hand to witness the result (see how infertility has messed with my mind, I don’t even trust my own eyes anymore) and sure enough, there it was, within the first 30 seconds, undeniably a + result. I couldn’t believe it.

How could this be? It sounded like one of those dreadful stories that fertiles try to soothe us infertiles with. About how so-and-so had tried everything and when she decided to adopt, voila, she found out she was pregnant. Or so-and-so who was preparing for IVF and wouldn’t you just know it, she found out she was pregnant. My heart so badly wanted to believe that I was going to live one of those miracle stories. That I was goig to be one of those phantom people we all hear about but don’t actually know. But my mind kept telling me to stop living in fantasty land. That that would never happen to me!

So guess which one was right? I’ll give you a clue – the answer is in my chart.

On Friday morning when I woke up and took my temp, there was a massive dip, again, unable to believe I could be so lucky, I used another home test. W and I had agreed that if I continued to get + results, I’d go for the blood confirmation on Monday. But in my heart I felt that I already knew the result, if the + on the home test had been so good that even W could see it without over analyzing it, then it had to be. Boy was I in for a shock with Friday’s test. BIG FAT NEGATIVE! I spent the entire day obsessing over the result, unable to focus on anything, with my hope and my heart swinging from dispair to a little bit of hope and back to despair again.

I didn’t want to tell anyone about this because I feel so fucking stupid. But when I started this blog, I started it as a place for me to express my emotion, in all its ugly glory and that was why yesterday I hinted at what was coming. But I had to wait for confirmation one way or the other first and this morning, confirmation is what I got.

I did another test, with the idea that if it came up +, I was going to get in my car and drive straight away to my fertility clinic and demand and early blood test. Well none of that was necessary. I took every different brand of test I had and used them all this morning. NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE.

There’s no denying it, its totally over. What I don’t know, what I’ll never know, is if it was just faulty home tests, which I find really hard to believe, or if this is yet again me having another chemical pregnancy, God, I’ve so many of those I’ve lost count.

So once again, hope you little bitch, thanks for nothing. So once again I have to drag W down and tell him how sorry I am that this is happened.

God some days (like to today) I feel I”m trapped in hell with no chance of escape.

WHEN WILL THIS EVER END???????????????

Posted in Questions About Infertility

I Shouldn’t Have

Comments:18 Comments

Posted this mornings post, I should have known better having been down this uncertain and shitty road 72 times in the past 6 years. I’m sticking with my original motto, miracles do happen, just not too me.

I POAS again now and its a BFN. So that’s that.

The worst part is that all that other stupid shit that happened yesterday I showed to W and I got his hopes up and now I’m going to disappoint him and thats the worst part. I hate that part.

Its exactly as Maritza put it, a prison of hope and disappointment. I wish I didn’t allow hope in, sometimes I think it would be easier that way, I realize that this journey would be impossible without hope, but its also pretty impossible with all the disappointment.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Total Mind F*&%#

Comments:6 Comments

I’m even too afraid to blog about this because I feel like such an idiot. My OCD HPT habit is in over drive!

So I was due for my blood test on Monday, which I felt was a total waste of time because I was completely symptomless and it was just a matter of hours before AF arrived. I was seriously impressed I’d even made it to blood test day without actually bleeding. I did an HPT and it was BFN! No surprises. I usually have a 14 day lutheal phase which meant that AF should actually have arrived of Sunday but ok, I’m back on treatment so its possible the meds have messed with my cycles a bit.

Yesterday I had to pop home quickly to meet my estate agent for a private viewing, of course, the first thing that crossed my mind was no af, lets POAS AGAIN! And wouldn’t you just know it, I had no sooner finished recapping the blasted thing when my estate agent arrived. Shocked at being caught red handed POAS, I flung the cursed thing into the back of the cupboard, and promptly forgot about it. Our viewers were extremely and annoyingly thorough and only left after an hour in the house. I dashed back into the bedroom, flung open the cupboard and snatched the blasted test out of there. Of course by now, its more than an hour since I pee’d on it, but guess what? BFP! I almost had a heart attack. Especially because I’d used my worst kind of HPT, a Clear Blue one. I hate them mostly because they do not allow for any indulgence of my OCD HPT behaviour. They’re either + or -, not like the others which you can stare at and sometimes imagine the evaporation line as a +. But there is was, the second blue line.

Then this morning, I recalled a friend of mine once telling me that HCG and LH are chemically similar and act in a similar way in our bodies, hence an OPK showing a strong + after having a trigger injection administered and that one could use an OPK as an HPT because by this stage of my cycle there should be no LH hormone. So, of course, OCD me, I went and POAS of the OPK kind this am and guess what? +

So now the true mind f*&^# begins. Because I’m to embarrassed/stubborn to go for a blood test and I’m seeing my RE on Friday. I figure if AF still hasn’t arrived by the time I go for my consult, he’s going to send me for one anyway. So my plan is to wait until the shops open at 09h00 this am, then I’ll be heading off to stock up on a secret stash of HPT’s to tide me over till either AF arrives of my Friday appointment with my RE.

I’m an unbeliever when it comes to HPT’s especially like this. Mostly because despite their claims of the impossibility of a false positive, for those of us who’ve had fertility treatment before, we all know how possible a false + actually is. Secondly, if I were to be pregnant now, this would be my 7th pregnancy and also the weirdest one of them all because it would be the first pregnancy without ANY symptoms!! Thirdly, I believe in miracles, but experience has taught me that they just don’t happen to me.

Wish me luck while I slowly loose my mind!

Posted in Infertility

Bitter Sweet Memories

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This time 6 years ago, I was so happy, we were so happy, we were so excited and full of hope, we were sharing our excitement with the world.

This time 6 years ago, we had been married for less than a month. We’d had the most beautiful wedding ceremony, we’d had the most joyful wedding reception. We were so in love, we’d not had anything challenge our happiness, our entire lives lay ahead of us and we could see nothing but sunshine and happiness.

I was 30 years old, W was 26. I’d been off the pill for 3 months, we’d planned to start trying for a baby as soon as possible. We’d even joked with our friends that we were going to make a honeymoon baby. Of course, at that stage I had no clue about temping, charting, ovulation predictor kits etc etc, I just figured, if we did it enough it would happen in due course.

We came back from honeymoon and we were both as sick as dogs. Both of us man down from the flu, only difference was that W got better and I didn’t. I just continued to feel like death warmed up. Then the dizziness started. Oh man, I was so dizzy and nauseous I didn’t know what to do with myself. EVERYTHING made me want to vomit, EVERYTHING made me want to pass out. Off we went to our local GP – shocked I was when his first suggestion was that I was pregnant. I mean, really we’d only been married four weeks, we hadn’t, aside from lots of honeymoon sex, we hadn’t actually started trying for a baby. He made me POAS right there in his surgery and wouldn’t you know it was negative! Some more tests followed and he then put me on a course of antibiotics for an ear infection.

Another week passed, I still felt like hell, but figured the flu had really taken it out of me. On the Saturday morning W and I had a long discussion over our morning coffee and about 10 cigarettes each, we decided it was time to start trying. Off we went to our local pharmacy and bought a BBT thermometer, although looking back, we were so clueless, how we thought that was going to help us is beyond me. We went home, had our own little party in the house, drank ALOT, smoked up a storm, in celebration of our decision to start a family.

On the Sunday morning I woke up feeling even more sick, it was then that it suddenly dawned on me that my period was 5 days late! Still I didn’t think anything of it, yes it was strange that my regular 28 day cycle had suddenly gone a bit wonky, but I put it down to the flu and ear infection and the anti biotics. I never in a million years imagined I could be pregnant without actually having consciously tried. But as a laugh, we decided to do a home pregnancy test.

Off we went back to our local pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test (see no signs of my POAS obsession was yet evident, only one test purchased). When I got home, I duly followed the tests instructions. After using the test, I casually strolled into the lounge, gently set the test down on the coffee table and lit another cigarette to smoke while we waited for the result to develop. Before I’d had even my first drag I noticed the second pink line forming. I remember saying to W: “What is that? What the F%^^ is that?” And there it was, as clear as day, the second, positive line on the home pregnancy test. My mind was reeling, how could this be? We hadn’t actually tried really!

Refusing to believe the test, convinced it must be wrong, I then spent another hour driving around to all the local pharmacies in my area (it was a Sunday afternoon and they were all closed) before finally hitting the jack pot with another HPT! See, still no evidence of the obsession to follow, again I only purchased one.

Raced home, rippped it out of the packaging and pee’d on it. And there it was again, a second pink line.

The next morning, armed with my two positive HPT’s we marched into the GP’s office, I remember just about shoving the tests under his nose and asking him what the hell this could mean. There was only one thing to do, have a blood test. This forced me into another dilemma, my fear of needles came to the fore. I was terrified, crying before he’d even started with the test, whimpering and crying when he wiped the alcohol swab across my arm. Of course, being that nervous only made the blood test take that much longer.

We had to wait the entire day for the phone call, we eventually got it just after 17h00, we were both at home when the call came, I couldn’t believe it! Confirmed, positive for pregnancy, Beta levels consistent with a 5 week pregnancy! Shock! Excitement! Amazement! Happiness………

Was to be very short lived.

Posted in Infertility

I Had An Epiphany – I’m Veteran Barbie!

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I’m on CD26 today, have not POAS, squeezed my boobs till they hurt, got excited over the mild bout of nausea experienced on Sunday or thought anything odd about the fact that I’ve been so tired the last few days I just want to sleep.

In fact, I couldn’t careless about POAS, I have accepted that HPT’s are designed to drive infertile women crazy and will no longer allow myself to give in to their allure, I know that the level of sensitivity of my boobs is nothing more than them having a good laugh at me, I know that the reason for my nausea on Sunday was as a result of a 13 hour car drive coupled with the copious amounts of “pad kos” (road food) consumed during that 13 hour drive. I also know that the reason for my extreme exhaustion is a mixture of raw emotions from leaving my Boo combined with just way too much fun on my short vacation last week.

I just realized it, I’m a Veteran Barbie! Now, for starters you’re halfway to being a Veteran Barbie if you know what all my abbreviations are above and can relate to my totally nonchalant attitude regarding my 2ww, if you don’t, Chances are you’re Newbie or Joiner Barbie. Don’t know what a Veteran/Newbie/Joiner Barbie are? Then chances are you haven’t read one of the greatest books ever written by one of our fellow IF sisters, Tertia. If you haven’t read So Close I’d highly recommend it, I have never read a book in one day or cried so much while reading a book and yet been able to relate to almost every situation being described in the book.

Anyway, to find out more about the different types of IF Barbie, then go here. I read about the various types of IF Barbie years ago and found it hard to imagine what it must be like to be Veteran Barbie, but this morning I realized I AM Veteran Barbie. Veteran Barbie is NOT about how many IVF’s you’ve had, she’s NOT about how many treatments/procedures/miscarriages you’ve had. She’s totally about attitude, she is a survivor with a survivors attitude, sometimes jaded and cynical, but mostly up beat and positive, despite her situation. This is how Tertia described her:

Veteran Barbie:
Veteran Barbies are not at all related to the Barbies above. Veteran Barbies are the Anti-Barbie. They are a whole lot plumper than the Newbie Barbies, less perky (in boobs and attitude), have grayer hair, a largely negative and over-drawn bank balance, plenty of bruises and marks and a slightly cynical attitude. They are dressed in comfy track pants with elasticated waistbands. Their accessories include a wealth of knowledge of reproductive procedures and protocol, the ability to practically do their own cycle, a snarky attitude, little tolerance for stupidity, a well defined sense of humor, the ability to laugh at themselves, a fondness for wine/beer/crack and a aversion to pineapple, baby dust and Newbie Barbies. This aversion in its more severe form can be allergic and acerbic. Veteran Barbies tend to swear quite a bit (especially when playing in the Barbie House with Newbie Barbies and Pregnant Newbie Barbies) and parental guidance is advised.

Me, plumper? Check

Me, less perky in boobs and positive attitude towards treatment? Double check

Ok, I dont’ have the gray hairs, but I think that’s due to a combination of good genes and being a blonde, they’re harder to notice.

Me, negative and over-drawn bank balance? Check! Still trying to recover from the R300K spent in the last 4 years of treatment.

Me, bruised and marked? Check, both physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.

I can even relate to Veteran Barbie’s wardrobe, after all, its extremely important when going for a scan that you are wearing pants and a pair of knickers that can quickly be ripped off, and yanked back on again. Comfort is extremely important when walking around with ovaries so swollen it feels like they may burst open. And yes, sometimes I feel like I’m practically a qualified RE myself, I reckon I could give myself scans, perhaps just need to be a bit more supple to use the dildo stick and check the screen at the same time, but hell, I know what’s going on on that screen. I also know how to interpret my own blood test results. Do I have a sense of humour about it all? Hell yes, after years of disappointment and heart ache I’ve learnt that I have two choices, I can either sit around and cry and feel sorry for myself which is not going to get me anywhere and just make me miserable or I can just laugh it off and keep moving ahead. I have definitely rekindled my love of wine, something I thought I’d lost somewhere during my mid 20′s, its return with great gusto in my mid 30′s, in fact I reckon I could teach a few 20 year olds a thing or two about a good party these days. I cringe when I hear the word baby dust and I do find newbie barbie and pregnant newbie barbie trying on my patience. I guess mostly because they’re so shiny and new and full of optimism, something I lost along the way to becoming Veteran Barbie.

But you know what? Veteran Barbie is actually a really cool chic! She’s loves a good party, can always be relied on for a quick sarcastic comeback, stands by her friends regardless of where they are on their IF journeys and will go out of her way to offer support, even the times when it may hurt her hardened heart just a little bit.

I realized this morning that somehow, someway over the past few months, I have been released from the heavy burden that infertility had placed on my life. I have somehow managed to take my infertility, put it into a small box and pack it away on a high shelf somewhere. I’m happy and I feel free for the first time in years. And with that I have also been set free from some of the emotions I hated the most – anger, jealousy, envy, fear, they no longer have any hold on my life!

So begone with you HPT’s, to hell with you deceitful sore boobs, I’m a Proud Veteran Barbie and you will NO LONGER have any control over me!

Posted in Infertility

Just When You Think You Have It All Figured Out…

Comments:10 Comments

I’m stunned, I’m so surprised this morning! Today is CD25 of my bang on regular 28 day cycle and I figured today would be a good time to let the HPT obsession begin for this cycle. I went to bed last night and actually dreamt about POAS with my FMP today. I woke up before the alarm went off and lay there rather impatiently waiting for it to be time….

Finally, the alarm sounds, I jump out of bed, sneak the test into the bathroom, quietly open the wrapper, pee on it and sit and stare at it. Is that… Could that… Yes? No? Eventually after sitting there for ages I decide I’m being ridiculous and if turning the test in every angle and light to try and squint to see if I can see a second line, then it must be negative. So I grab a wad of loo paper, do whats needed and as I’m about to drop the loo paper in the toilet, guess what I see?? Yup, you guessed it! Blood! How is that for a prime example of how Murphy (you little f*cker) loves to mess with our infertile minds!

This is about the second time in my entire life as a woman that I’m having a 25 day cycle. Which has got me wondering……. Is there yet another problem about to be added to mix of my already topsy turvy confused fertility diagnosis or is this more about Divine timing. You see, I’m going on holiday to Cape Town to visit m family on the 9thAugust. Now if this was going to be a regular cycle length it would mean that next ovulation would occur while visiting my family which would mean that if my FS suggests we go the IUI route again, we’d have to wait a cycle. If he suggests we go the stimmed, timed route, well there is no way I’m having sex with W while my parents sleep in the room next door.

So, trying very hard to be my usual, the glass IS half full, silver linning type of person, I’m choosing to think that this is divine timing, this way whatever my FSsuggests when we chat next week we can still have an attempt this month.

But thanks anyway Murphy, for the wasted R40 on the Maybe Baby damn test that I pee’d on! Perhaps I should take the advise below, I’d probably also save a LOT of money on blast HPT’s!