Tag Archives: Pregnancy

Posted in Infertility

I Am The Rule & Not The Exception – I am NOT Legend

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Nurture shared a link on Twitter this morning that immediately caught my eye – Carla Bruni Pregnant At 44 & Infertility Myth Revealed.  I clicked to the link and read the article with increasing irritation. Here is someone, clearly not a Dr and from what I can tell, who has little to no experience of infertility making this statement:

 I think there is a big infertility myth that goes on with women over 35. Am I saying that older can get pregnant as easily as younger women? No. (Please read that again.) Am I saying that the risks are not higher? No. (Read that again.) What I am saying is that I believe it’s easier for women over 35 — or even 40 — to get pregnant than they think it is.

So here is my history:

I fell pregnant for the first time naturally at age 30. Between the ages of 30 & 34, I was pregnant 6 times, all 6 pregnancies naturally conceived. From age 34 to age 37, I lost the ability to fall pregnant naturally and we had to turn to science for assistance. At at 37 I fell pregnant with my 7th pregnancy from a frozen embryo transfer.

I am infertile. I am the rule and not the exception, this is scientific fact! Here is another scientific fact – baby girls are born with ovaries filled with eggs. A woman’s ovaries do not create more eggs over time, what you’re born with, that’s it. Some of us will physiologically age better than others, that means that the quality of some women’s eggs will be better at age 40than other women at age 40. The way to test this is doing two blood tests, an FSH test and an AMH test. These tests  measure hormones that give an indication of egg quality and ovarian reserve (number of eggs left). My last FSH & AMH  tests was done at age 36. My AMH was 3 and my FSH was 5, this was an indicator that my ovarian reserve was declining but was pretty much average for my age. Other women at age 21 will have POF (Premature Ovarian Failure), that means they’ll have the ovarian reserve the same as a woman in her 40′s.

I have a friend who had intensive fertility treatment and was unable to conceive. Then at age 40 she fell pregnant naturally and between the ages of 40 to 44 she went on to have 3 children. It happens but it is the exception rather than the rule.

Let us not forget that conception is a miracle in itself. A healthy couple, with no fertility issues, in their 20′s will only have a 20% chance each cycle of conceiving…. Yes, conception is very much a miracle, with odds that low, it’s a miracle that conception occurs and that it occurs so easily for some and by accident often. But it is a miracle.

To state that women over the age of 35 are statically less likely to fall pregnant is a myth is irresponsible, it is not based on any kind of scientific fact but rather on an opinion based on the exception and not the rule, in the same vein as saying to me now that we’ve adopted, I’ll conceive naturally and have a child of my “own”. These sentiments are insulting to those of us who have struggled or are struggling.

Whatever your opinion is, you cannot ignore scientific fact.

If it were true that it was so easy to fall pregnant after 40, there would be a lot more 40 year old women with baby bumps. Of course, the media and celebrity play a huge roll in these misconceptions, with so many celebrities conceiving and giving birth in the 40′s in the midst of fertility treatment speculation and denials, of course it becomes easy to buy into these opinions but we are not celebrities and this is not the movies so one cannot ignore the fact.

I am 40. I have been pregnant 7 times, only one of those times was past the age of 35, I am a mother via adoption but I will not conceive and have a miracle child of my “own” and there is the rule and NOT the exception.

There is a joke in infertility circles, when a woman who has struggled to conceive using ART (assisted reproductive technology) and then conceives accidently  by herself,  she is called Legend.

I am NOT Legend and most women my age are NOT Legend either.

 

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Memories of Pregnancy #6 (pg & mc ment)

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Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve blogged repeatedly about my reaction to watching the BBC documentaries – A Child Against All Odds. You can read my previous posts here & here. Well last night I watched the show again and it brought back strong memories of my last pregnancy.

I’d been taking a break from conventional IF treatment and had been seeing Dr Debbie Smith, she was treating me with a combination of Chinese herbs and weekly acupuncture sessions. Now, I need to state at this point, I had not embarked on an IVF as yet, we’d done some timed, stimulated cycles but nothing near comparable to what was to lie ahead. So the acupuncture was a big deal for me. I remember I used to get slightly clammy at each session and I hated the needles that went into the tops of my feet and into my wrists, I did find them uncomfortable, but you know how it goes, for those of us that have battled, we’ll do just about anything if there was a chance of a pregnancy. For one month I took the Chinese herbs religiously, they were completely disgusting and I’d have to hold my nose and work hard to get them down, gagging all the way. After one cycle of treatment with her, she told me it was time to start trying. So we did, no scans, no stims, no triggers. We just kind of estimated when ovulation would be and did what other couples do when trying to make a baby.

About 5 days before AF was due, around CD23, being the obsessive compulsive that I am, I decided to do a HPT. Boy was I completely stunned when it showed that magical, impossible to achieve second line. That was a Friday. W and I decided to wait a few more days and repeat the HPT’s which I did about another 20 times over that weekend, each time with the same unmistakable result. BFP BFP BFP! Over and over again. On the Monday morning I simply couldn’t take it for another second and raced off to the clinic, even though, technically AF wasn’t due for another 3 days. My beta count came back at 29. My then clinic don’t say you’re pregnant unless your count is 30. So I had to have a repeat beta on the Wednesday, the wait almost killed me.  There are no words that can ever capture just how unbearable that wait is, you can only under stand the torture of repeated beta’s if you’ve experienced it yourself. My second beta came back at 76, more than a double, a good sign. I was officially pregnant. Again we waited the torturous time for the third beta, again, nearly loosing my mind in the process. The third beta – 210, again more than a double, my Dr told me I could stop with the repeated beta’s, that I was well and truly pregnant.

The excitement of the positive beta’s lasted all of about 5 minutes each time. The window of pure, unadulterated joy which I got to experience at the good news of each beta, only lasted 5 minutes. Quickly to be replaced by utter terror of what would lie ahead, remembering what I’d already been through 5 times and being utterly terrified of having that happen again. I had to wait another 2 weeks for my first scan. That has got to be the longest two weeks of my life. The 2ww after IVF is pure torture, but this kind of wait takes torture to a whole new level for me. There were days when I was so overwhelmed by anxiety that I was paralyzed by it, I was unable to function, unable to hold a conversation and unable to concentrate on anything at work. It was all I could do to robotically move through the day, get home, cook dinner and get straight into bed. Sleep was my only escape but even that was torture, filled with dreams, weird dreams, scary dreams, dreams about loss.

Finally the week of my 6 week scan dawned. I was SO close and yet even more terrified than before. The day before my scheduled 6 week scan, when performing my usual bathroom ritual – walk into loo – yank down pants – sit – do my business – then close my eyes and pray – God please don’t let there be blood, God please don’t let there be blood, God please don’t let there be blood – use the loo paper – inspect the loo paper for any signs of bleeding – I noticed something on the paper. I swear in that moment it felt like my guts fell right out of me, I had this strong sensation of a 10 ton weight falling on my head, of my insides splattering all over the place. I tried to hold my composure for the remainder of the day, what a joke, I was in the loo repeating the bathroom ritual about every 15 minutes. Finally after going home and continuing the ritual I had to let it go, there had been nothing else. I tried to comfort myself with the fact that perhaps what I’d seen had been my imagination or not what I thought it was to begin. I woke up at 2am the following morning with the usual week pregnant bladder to go to the bathroom. And there it was again. The trace of something, it can’t be called blood because it wasn’t bloody but I’d seen this something before, I’d had this something on a number of my previous miscarriages, when I lay in bed for days on end, on forced bed rest while my Dr’s tried to decide if it was indeed a miscarriage or just a threatened miscarriage. I knew that this something did not bode well for me, I knew it was a bad sign. I started crying. W and I sat up the rest of the night, waiting for morning, waiting for when I could get to the clinic and have that scan, waiting to hear if our hopes and dreams had been crushed again.

I remember arriving for my scan, of having the nurse that had done my tests show me the thumbs up. She didn’t understand, she couldn’t understand what horror I knew was about to unfold for me. Finally it was our turn. Finally I was on that dreaded bed with my knickers off and the d.i.l.d.0 cam looking for our baby. I heard my Dr let out a huge sigh, I could see the screen, I knew what was coming was not good, I heard him say – this is not what we’d expect to see at this stage of pregnancy – this is not good – I think we need to do another beta on you. It sounds very cliché, but I remember my  head went all foggy like I couldn’t concentrate on what was happening around me, I couldn’t breathe and the voices sounded like they were coming to me down a tunnel. Like  a robot, I got dressed, I walked out of the consulting rooms, into an over flowing reception room, as I saw the nurse, my nurse, when she looked at me questioningly to find out if it was good news, I felt my knees buckle as I collapsed on the floor, I heard the sobs bursting out of me like they were coming out of somebody else.

My repeat beta at 6 weeks of pregnancy was 121….. there was no hope…….it was over. I bled for 6 weeks and have been unable to fall pregnant since then.  My current RE says my inability to fall pregnant is “psychosomatic” and that pregnancy would be “therapeutic” for me. He believes that because of what has gone before, I’ve closed myself off from this miracle, too fearful to face what could potentially happen again. Sometimes I think he’s right. That miscarriage pushed me right to the edge, I teetered right on the brink of insanity, I was inconsolable, I contemplated suicide. Nothing could prepare me for that pain, I’m terrified of facing it again.

Miscarriages are funny things, you can never really understand just how unexpectedly painful they are till you experience on for yourself. They become more and more difficult to deal with the more you have to experience them. My first one crushed me, my last one almost killed me. I know that some women believe that I’m not entitled to grieve in this manner because I never saw a heart beat, that somehow this is less painful because of that fact. But really, a miscarriage is not just the grief over a lost pregnancy, its the loss of your dreams, the loss of your iinnocense, the indescribable disappointment, the loss of your dreams and aspirations for what could have/should have been.

Last night’s episode of A Child Against All Odds showed a woman having her 6 week scan and receiving the news that the baby was not where it should be, after weeks of repeated beta’s, she made it to her first scan day only to have her hopes and dreams crushed in an instant. My heart broke for her!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Innocence Lost

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Yesterday I had a Spa day with Sam at Mangwanani African Day Spa, as always it was a total treat, a day spent drinking champagne, being massaged & pampered and talking – lots and lots of talking. At one point we were talking about how those of us that battle IF found out very early on in our pregnancies that we’re pregnant, way earlier than women who have not had fertility treatment. It got me thinking about my first pregnancy and how  very very different that experience was.

We’d been home from honeymoon for about a week when I woke up one day very dizzy and light headed, W took me off to the Dr and the first thing he asked me was if I was pregnant, we all had a laugh at that seen as we’d only been home from honeymoon for a week but our GP insisted that I do an HPT at his office. I was not surprised when the results were negative. He diagnosed me with a middle ear infection and sent me home. About a week later it suddenly dawned on me (see the innocence here?) that AF was late. I wasn’t too concerned, I mean I’d never been late before but I figured it was the stress of the wedding etc that had perhaps thrown my cycle off slightly. I left it. A few more days later and I started to worry slightly as AF was now more than a week late. W and I still had a discussion about what could possibly be wrong, we agreed that I’d wait a few more days and then make an appointment with my gynae, I was worried something serious was wrong as I’d never been late. We waited a few more days, me still slightly worried but at the same time convinced that AF was bound to start at any moment. Eventually I had to concende that something was very wrong as I was now two weeks late, W suggested that I do an HPT before contacting my Dr. I thought it was a total waste of time seen as the one I’d done at my GP a few weeks back had been negative and besides? Aside from going on honeymoon and doing what honeymooners do, we hadn’t actually tried so a pregnancy was the furthest thing on my mind. I bought the test, that in itself was different to today. Now during a treatment I sneak around Dischem loading my basket with 2 of each type of HPT they have there trying to hide my obsession under loads of other crap I don’t actually need, in the bottom of the basket, back in the innocent days, I simply strolled into the pharmacy, picked out ONE test, paid for it and walked out. When I got home, I quickly pee’d on it and carried it into the lounge, set it down on the coffee table and lit a cigarette. After a couple of seconds I looked down at it and started screaming at Walter – What is that? What the F***** is that? As a very strong, very bold second line formed on the test. I remember bursting into tears and crying my eyes out from the shock of it.

The following day my beta test confirmed that I was indeed pregnant and approximately 6 to 7 weeks along. We were SO excited we shared the news with the whole world. Three days later I woke up in a pool of blood, doubled over in pain and it was all over.

How very different from all my subsequent pregnancies and IF treatments where I”m paralyzed by all the what if’s? Overwhelmed by the desire to urinate on a plastic sticks and stare at them for hours willing a second line to appear and having it very rarely actually oblige. And never ever sharing the news with anyone else.

I wish I could go back to that time of innocence but instead I’ll prepare myself for my FET and the days of obsessing and staring at pee sticks!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

More On Pregnancy Annoucements

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You’d think that after 7 years I’d be over it, but I still get a twinge of hurt in my heart when I hear others pregnancy news. Granted its not nearly the searing-crush-my-heart kind of pain it used to be, but it still stings and I’ve really begun to accept that if, after 7 years, it still feels like that, then it probably always will right?

Its not envy or jealousy, its more like a type of pain, that brings tears to burn in the back of my eyes and an ache in my throat, and a tightening pain in my heart, thankfully after years of practise I’ve learned to control it, so I don’t land up bursting into tears in front of others, but I’m always so grateful when the announcements are done in such a manner that it doesn’t shine a glaring spotlight on me. U know what I’m referring to, one of those large, in a crowd, kind of announcements, where as the announcement is made, in that split second after everyone has begun expressing their congratulations, you feel an awkwardness in the room as people steel furtive glances your way to see how you’re coping. I hate those types of announcements, they make me feel awkward and embarrassed. I hate that other people feel like they need to play down their joy in my presence, don’t get me wrong, I’m eternally grateful that they feel that way, but I do hate it as well.  I’ve survived a number of those “guess what – we’re pregnant” shout outs in a room full of people and each time I felt mortified by others responses, by the “shame shaz” look of pity in their eyes as they spy me out the corner of their eye, as they steel little sad glances in my direction.

Yesterday, we received another pregnancy announcement, and I’m so secretly grateful to the daddy to be that his announcement came in the form of an email and I didn’t have to try and not notice the furtive glances in my direction. I love when people make their announcement like this, while it still causes that little sting of hurt/regret/wistfulness, at least I don’t feel like there’s a massive spotlight shining on my yearning in front of others!

So another pregnancy announcement survived, 7 years in and I’ve survived literally hundreds of these announcements, sooner or later its got to me by turn…….. right?????

Posted in Infertility

Follow Up & POA

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I had my follow up appointment today. The last few days I’ve been feeling ok, I thought I was coming to terms with the failed IVF, I thought I had all my emotions in check, boy was I wrong. From the second I walked into my RE’s office, had him squeeze my arm and ask me how I’m doing I started to blubber, thankfully I managed to get a grip after a few embarrassing moments and spent the rest of the appointment with great big crocodile tears running down my cheeks.

So I guess my prognosis is good. Apparently out of all the patients who had IVF around the same time as us, nobody had the stats that we had, in the words of our RE “nobody came close to touching us in terms of quality and quantity”. So of my 7 embryo’s we grew to day 5, two were transferred and every single one of the remaining 5 compacted and hatched. Apparently this is a very good sign for quality as its uncommon to have every single one hatch. So Dr G says the prognosis is very good.

They went back and had a look at my IVF files from my previous clinic and did a comparison with this IVF now and apparently there simply is no comparison between the quality and quantity of eggs. Dr G says this can be attributed to two major things:

1. The fact that the Hydrosalpingeshas been removed would definitely impact on the quality of my eggs and improve the stimulation of my ovaries

2. The introduction of Intralipids to counter act NKC’s prior to starting the stimming process would also have had an impact on the egg quality.

Dr G believes that conception would be “theraputic” for me. Basically, it would appear that in the past two and a half years, my system has “unlearned” the ability to conceive, getting pregnant using treatment would re-teach my body what it needs  in order to conceive and that should we eventually have a successful pregnancy, no further treatment should be require for future pregnancies. But I guess only time will tell with that.

Dr G also says that in a % of patients their systems simply do not respond well to the artificial environment and that there are patients out there who simply never get pregnant from a fresh IVF but always get pregnant from frozen cycles. So the good news is that they froze our embryo’s on two separate leafs (not sure if that’s correct spelling) so we have enough frozen for two FET’s. We will be doing ‘natural” FET’s which basically means that my system will be allowed to control the cycle, I will be allowed to grow a follicle normally, at 18mm’s the follicle will be triggered, two days past trigger my embryo’s will be thawed and 3 days later they will be transferred. In between, I will have one Intralipid infusion prior to trigger and then after transfer I will have Estrogen injections administered intramuscular every 3 days and Progesterone injections administered daily. Once/IF a pregnancy is confirmed I will then have another Intralipid infusion and continue with the intramuscular injections through the first trimester.

While an FET is much cheaper than a fresh cycle, because of all the additional meds I require, it will still land up cost a pretty packet, around R15K. I’m still not really sure how I feel about the FET’s, on the one hand I’m glad to be able to do two FET’s before doing another fresh cycle, on the other hand, I guess with all the failures, I’m not exactly holding my breath either.

For now, I need to try and get back to some kind of healthy living and saving towards the first FET which I hope to do in May/June.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Yes That Will Make You Pregnant

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A few days ago, I met up with some of the moderators/administrators of our Fertility Forum and one of the things we had a good laugh about what some of the stupid assvice we’ve received on how to fall pregnant over the last few years. I figured for a laugh, I would jot down some of the great tips I’ve received in the past 7 years. I also thought I’d trawl Dr Google for some tips and what I found was HILARIOUS!! So here goes:

tipsforgetting-pregnant

Yes, been there, done that, the whole cushion under the buttocks for a few minutes after sex. Except if you have slightly OCD type personality like me, it will mean lying with like this for at least half an hour to be sure. When that didn’t work somebody actually suggested I stand on my head, unfortunately I”m not really the athletic type, so aside from the difficulty I had getting in that position, it also gave me a headache so I gave up on that.

I found this truly helpful listing of How To Get Pregnant, which I thought was too funny not to share:

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately EASY

Ja right! For some maybe not for all of us!

Step1

Find a partner. For some, this is the hardest part.

WTF?? Are you kidding me??? So far finding my husband was WAAAAY easier than getting pregnant!

Step2

If you are currently on the pill as a form of birth control, discontinue taking it. Most doctors recommend that women wait three cycles while their bodies adjust to being off the pill before trying to conceive.

Step3

Start taking a prenatal vitamin before getting pregnant. Medical professionals recommend that women get a daily dose of 400 micrograms of folic acid starting at least a month before trying to get pregnant and at least 600 micrograms a day once pregnant. Research has indicated that doing so can reduce the risk of neural tube defects in babies by up to 70 percent.

Step4
Balance your hormones with good nutrition and herbal supplements. Zinc, calcium, magnesium and B6 are great for sustaining hormonal balance. Various herbs associated with balanced hormones include chamomile, raspberry leaf, ginkgo biloba, saw palmetto, ginseng, licorice root and black cohosh. Consult your doctor if you are unsure of the effects of any herbal supplements.
 
Lets not forget Spirulina, if I had 10 bucks every time somebody suggested I take Spirulina to get/stay pregnant, I’d be a very wealthy woman right now and my long suffering husband would not be in Rwanda earning us some $
 
Step5
The best time to develop a healthy lifestyle is before pregnancy. Maintain a healthy weight, exercise regularly, eat healthy foods, reduce stress and don’t smoke, consume alcohol or do any other recreational drugs. These good habits may help you get pregnant more easily and will certainly serve you and your baby well during pregnancy.
 
Exactly who are they trying to kid here? I figured a LONG time ago, that drinking coffee or having alchohol make ZERO difference on my ability to fall pregnant, in addition, its been my experience that those who do consume large amounts of alcohol and recreational drugs are far more likely to get pregnant than I am. I’ve been seriously tempted to try this fertility method, get as drunk as possible every day and take some recreational drugs, it might actually work!
 
Step6
Determine when you ordinarily ovulate. For most women, this is in the middle of their menstrual cycle, around day 14, although the exact timing varies among women. There are a number of ways to determine when you are ovulating, from tracking your basal body temperature and watching for changes in cervical mucus to simply purchasing an ovulation calculator at the drug store.
 
Been there, done that, bought the damn ovulation microscope, the BBT thermometer and the T-shirt = still no baby!
 
Step7
Have regular, unprotected sex around the time you ovulate. Since sperm cells can survive in the reproductive tract for two to three days, it’s best to have sex every day for at least a few days leading up to ovulation. So for example, if the average woman ovulates on day 14, it’s best to have sex on days 12, 13 and 14 of her menstrual cycle.
 
Well thats all fine and well if having sex would actually get you pregnant, otherwise its just a royal pain in the arse! Nobody but nobody enjoys desperate baby making sex! There’s no fun in that and certainly standing on your head afterwards makes the experience even more dreaded.
 
Step8
On the first day of a missed period, take an early pregnancy test and find out if all of your hard work has paid off.
 
Haha, yes, so you can get a nice false positve or spend hours staring at the negative trying to convince yourself that the evaporation line is actually a positive!
 
Step9
Repeat these steps each month until you are pregnant.
 
Yeah right, trust me, we’ve been repeating these steps for EIGHTY FOUR months, hasn’t worked yet, so actually, I think the difficulty factor needs to be adjusted from Moderately Easy to Damn Near Impossible for some!
 
Here are some of the other fabulous-guaranteed to get you knocked up- remedies I’ve tried in the past 7 years:
 
Homeopaths & Alternative Remedies
I’ve had my cell phone “neutralized” because the radiation was apparently preventing me from getting pregnant.
I’ve spend THOUSANDS of rands on little white pills and powders, taken them religiously without knowing what they were for.
I’ve drunk a special blend of Chinese herbs twice a day for a 4 month period, the only effect that had was to make me gag constantly.
I’ve had painful reflexology done on my poor feet every week for months on end, to the point where my hands would sweat from the pain.
I’ve had needles stuck all over me in an attempt to get pregnant, including in my face and head – not a whole lot of fun!
I’ve tried Preseed, Stamingro, FertileAid, Evening Primrose, you name it, I’ve taken it.
 
I’ve quit smoking, cut out alcohol, cut out caffeine, followed fertility diets – it did nothing.
I’ve been told that we’re just not doing it right, I’ve been told that if W can’t do the job properly then he would (stupid asshole) I’ve been told too relax more times than I care to remember, I’ve been told to take a vactation and it will happen. I’ve been told to JUST adopt and then I”ll get my baby, I’ve been told to break up with W and then have make up sex and I”ll get pregnant.
 
So what are some of the funny things you’ve been told that were guaranteed to get you pregnant?
 
Just wanted to share something – whenever W goes away on a business trip, something always happens that makes me freak out and wish he was here. The last time it was that huge mother spider that made me freak out (read out it here & here) today, one day prior to his return, there’s an Indian Minor bird which has snuck into our entertainment room to steal some of Penelope’s food. I went out to chase it away and gave the bird such a fright it can’t figure out how it got into the room. So its been slamming itself against the window and glass of the door for the last 10 minutes which is really freaking me out. I tried to help it but it but it keeps pecking the crap out of my hands and all that wing flapping so close to my face it freaking me out completely!!!! I’m going to go in there now and throw a towel over it to try and help it escape. Wish me luck, I love birds but I don’t like touching them and all the gob and wing flapping is seriously making me freak out!!!!!!!!
 
Posted in Questions About Infertility

What To Expect When I’m Expecting

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pregnant_belly2001

My life has changed to much in the last few years and one of the changes is that W and I have had to cultivate a whole new circle of friends. So we have some old friends and lots of new friends. Most of my new friends have not been around me when I go through a pregnancy. Now with my IVF just around the corner, and hopefully a positive result, I thought it best to give you all a bit of insight into the workings of my mind during a pregnancy so that perhaps you’ll understand my reactions a bit better when (Please GOD) I get my next positive result.

Pregnancy, for those of us who’ve had the misfortune of experiencing recurrent pregnancy losses (RPL) is not actually a happy time. In fact, the number one emotion I recall experiencing with my last pregnancy was anxiety. Constant, never ending anxiety. Anxiety when you open your eyes first thing in the morning, anxiety throughout the day, anxiety when you try to sleep at night. Anxiety that builds and builds and builds and in my case has even resulted in panic attacks. I think I speak for all women who’ve suffered the misfortune of RPL, that the level of anxiety increases with the number of pregnancies lost.

As sick as it may sound, the only relief I’ve had from the terrible anxiety has come in the form of a miscarriage. Miscarriage I know, miscarriages I know what to expect and what to do, I know how it happens, I know the signs of it happening and as soon as its been confirmed I feel……..  resigned relief….. sick I know, but I feel a sense of resigned relief at not having to live with the constant anxiety that eats away at my mind every second of every day that I carry a pregnancy. My anxiety was so out of control with my last pregnancy that I’ve already arranged with my RE that the second I get my positive result I’ll be going on some safe anxiety medication for the remainder of my pregnancy.

Now I know what the non-RPL’ers will say, just relax. Stay calm, don’t get yourself so worked up. But everyone who’s suffered RPL will tell you, relaxing is impossible. EVERYTHING is terrifying. Every mile stone in the pregnancy achieved is frightening. My first reaction on seeing the two lines on a pee stick is crying. I immediately get this overwhelming sense of foreboding and anxiety and I can’t stop crying. Then we face the next hurdle, the blood test, once you’ve passed the first blood test its the agonizing wait for the second and third blood tests, analysing the HCG counts with each and everyone. Squeezing your boobs constantly, wondering why they’re so sore? Is it because of the pregnancy or because of your constant poking and prodding. Convincing yourself that they’re not as sore as they were the day before and hence a miscarriage is imminant. Going for the first scan………. God scans terrify me, I’ve never had a good one. They’ve always been bad and so for me scans will always be terrifying.

I also become supersitious, I don’t want any gifts for the baby, I don’t want to make any plans around the baby because I’m afraid that by doing those things I doom the pregnancy to a miscarriage ending.

I know many well meaning non-RPL’ers have told me to just pray and everything will be ok. But the truth is that sometimes God’s answer to our prayers is a No. If all it took to save a pregnancy was prayer, well then miscarriages probably wouldn’t exist and I’d have 6 beautiful children. I know my friends mean well, I know that they want to comfort and support me, but please understand that telling me to pray doesn’t comfort or help me at all.

I don’t think it will matter how far along I get in a pregnancy, I know that with my history of 6 pregnancies lost, that the statistics do not bode well for me and so regardless of whether I’m through the first trimester or not, I will be anxious and terrified and fragile.

I will be hard work to be around. My anxiety and uncertaintiy will irritate you and test your patience. But the only thing you can do for me is to be there for me and try and tolerate what you may perceive as negativity when next I get pregnant.

Posted in Infertility

My Miracle In The Making

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So I had my follow up appointment with my RE today and we’ve worked out our plan going forward. I have very mixed emotions, I’m a little bit nervous but also quite excited and a whole bunch of other stuff all mixed in between.

The long and the short of it is that because of my age and because its been 2 years since I was last pregnant, we’re not wasting any time, and we’re going for the big guns – IVF. This will be my first IVF with Dr G at Vitalab but from what I’ve heard from all my IF friends, I’m quite confident (I know me, who would have guessed it) of a positive outcome. ;-) He spent almost an hour with W and I today, reviewing my file, including notes from my previous IVF’s at my previous clinic and we’ve put together a plan of action.

My first thought was that I don’t want to be doing an IVF over the Festive Season, in the next two months, W and I have two exciting weekends away and a two week holiday in Cape Town. Not to mention two year end functions and countless other parties to attend. And I do not want to be spending my time at all these exciting events worrying about when its time for my next injection or if my over indulgance, because lets face it I am GOING to indulge myself, is doing damage to my egg quality etc for the IVF cycle. So in the words of the great Dr G, from his lips to God’s ears, we will try naturally for the next two cycles, no scans, no meds, no intervention what so ever and maybe just maybe we’ll get our miracle we’ve waited so long for.

If not, I’ll start birth control pills approximatley mid December and then we’ll start with the down regulation using Lucrin and start stimming with a combination of Gonals and Luveris shots. Its just over a year since my last IVF, but I’m hoping for good stimming results as I produc a fair amount of eggs on my previous attempts.

I have also shared my fears with Dr G re. my horrible experience during my last egg retrieval and he has assured me that because of the combination of meds they use at VL I will not have the same experience again. Which does make me feel a whole lot less anxious about the entire procedure.

So that’s that then. I guess after months of trying to avoid it, I’m fully back in the saddle so to speak. I know there are a bunch of us from VL who will all be cycling together and I’m looking forward to the camaraderie of that as well, at last count it would be Roz, Sam, Dee and myself all going together in Jan!

So now I start with all the other little goodies I ALWAYS do in preparation for an IVF. Watching what I eat, getting in shape and mentally preparing myself. It actually all feels quite good, I’m feeling very positive about my plan of action and I’m really working hard at believing in a positive outcome, after all I’m long over due for a miracle! ;-)

Posted in Infertility

I’m A Contradiction!

Comments:5 Comments

It always amazes me when I read on forums or chat with my fellow infertile friends just what a contradiction I really am. I have cycles most infertiles would kill for, aside from the odd out of whack cycle, I am 99% of the time, dead regular. I have perfect 28 day cycles, I ovulate perfectly between day 13 & 14. Most of the little gimmicky fertility aids that don’t work for most of my infertile friends work perfectly for me. Today is another case in point……..

I’ve been having fertile cervical mucus since yesterday, I had a significant drop in BBT yesterday morning, I had a positive OPK last night and I have a strong “ferning” result on my ovulation microscope this morning which was showing a transition result yesterday. My chart for this cycle, so far is showing pretty much picture perfect:

So why the hell can’t I have a baby? The only conclusion I can come to, and this after undergoing every blood test and fertility test known to man kind TWICE, is that my new Fertility Specialist, Dr G, MUST be right. He firmly believes that the reason for all my miscarriages was the septum and scarring in my uterus, combined with the very badly messed up right fallopian tube from an emergency apendix removal as a child. He strongly suspects that the muck trapped inside my blocked tube was the biggest culprit. And I’m starting to believe that perhaps he is correct. There is no other explanation, so aside from the very odd hostile cervical mucus, which I’m hoping to remedy with the use of Preseed, there really is NO reason why my DIY cycles should not work. I just need to be patient, I’m not 30 anymore, I’m on the downward slide to 40, so its unrealistic of me to expect that I’m going to fall pregnant like I did in my early 30′s. 

On another note, please can I ask you to send lots of love and support to two very special people in my life:

My friend, Elize, had her second laparotomy performed yesterday. It was a long and arduous 3 hour operation, please will you all pray for her speedy recovery and for the realization of her dream of a baby of her own. Her husband is checking her blog during her hospital stay, so perhaps you can send her some messages of support?

My friend, Sam, is scheduled for her beta test on Friday after her first FET. She’s slowly loosing her mind amongst all the anxiety that one can only experience during the 2ww after an IVF and she needs all the love, support and reassurance she can get right now.

I may be requiring some TLC by Friday as I head into my ten billionth (well it feels like that ok?) 2ww!