Tag Archives: Questions About Infertility

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I Am The Rule & Not The Exception – I am NOT Legend

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Nurture shared a link on Twitter this morning that immediately caught my eye – Carla Bruni Pregnant At 44 & Infertility Myth Revealed.  I clicked to the link and read the article with increasing irritation. Here is someone, clearly not a Dr and from what I can tell, who has little to no experience of infertility making this statement:

 I think there is a big infertility myth that goes on with women over 35. Am I saying that older can get pregnant as easily as younger women? No. (Please read that again.) Am I saying that the risks are not higher? No. (Read that again.) What I am saying is that I believe it’s easier for women over 35 — or even 40 — to get pregnant than they think it is.

So here is my history:

I fell pregnant for the first time naturally at age 30. Between the ages of 30 & 34, I was pregnant 6 times, all 6 pregnancies naturally conceived. From age 34 to age 37, I lost the ability to fall pregnant naturally and we had to turn to science for assistance. At at 37 I fell pregnant with my 7th pregnancy from a frozen embryo transfer.

I am infertile. I am the rule and not the exception, this is scientific fact! Here is another scientific fact – baby girls are born with ovaries filled with eggs. A woman’s ovaries do not create more eggs over time, what you’re born with, that’s it. Some of us will physiologically age better than others, that means that the quality of some women’s eggs will be better at age 40than other women at age 40. The way to test this is doing two blood tests, an FSH test and an AMH test. These tests  measure hormones that give an indication of egg quality and ovarian reserve (number of eggs left). My last FSH & AMH  tests was done at age 36. My AMH was 3 and my FSH was 5, this was an indicator that my ovarian reserve was declining but was pretty much average for my age. Other women at age 21 will have POF (Premature Ovarian Failure), that means they’ll have the ovarian reserve the same as a woman in her 40′s.

I have a friend who had intensive fertility treatment and was unable to conceive. Then at age 40 she fell pregnant naturally and between the ages of 40 to 44 she went on to have 3 children. It happens but it is the exception rather than the rule.

Let us not forget that conception is a miracle in itself. A healthy couple, with no fertility issues, in their 20′s will only have a 20% chance each cycle of conceiving…. Yes, conception is very much a miracle, with odds that low, it’s a miracle that conception occurs and that it occurs so easily for some and by accident often. But it is a miracle.

To state that women over the age of 35 are statically less likely to fall pregnant is a myth is irresponsible, it is not based on any kind of scientific fact but rather on an opinion based on the exception and not the rule, in the same vein as saying to me now that we’ve adopted, I’ll conceive naturally and have a child of my “own”. These sentiments are insulting to those of us who have struggled or are struggling.

Whatever your opinion is, you cannot ignore scientific fact.

If it were true that it was so easy to fall pregnant after 40, there would be a lot more 40 year old women with baby bumps. Of course, the media and celebrity play a huge roll in these misconceptions, with so many celebrities conceiving and giving birth in the 40′s in the midst of fertility treatment speculation and denials, of course it becomes easy to buy into these opinions but we are not celebrities and this is not the movies so one cannot ignore the fact.

I am 40. I have been pregnant 7 times, only one of those times was past the age of 35, I am a mother via adoption but I will not conceive and have a miracle child of my “own” and there is the rule and NOT the exception.

There is a joke in infertility circles, when a woman who has struggled to conceive using ART (assisted reproductive technology) and then conceives accidently  by herself,  she is called Legend.

I am NOT Legend and most women my age are NOT Legend either.

 

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Metamorphosis

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I’ve been reflecting on the metamorphosis that I’ve under gone through my infertility journey over the past few years, when I look back now at the 7+ years I can see how much I’ve changed, how much infertility has changed me and I’m proud to be the person I am today.

There have been a few defining experiences of my life, infertility is one of them, survivingand thriving after the collapse of my abusive first marriage is just one of the others. We all have defining experiences in our lives, whether is be getting divorced, loosing a child, loosing a parent, being diagnosed witha dread disease or battling infertility,  we all have had experiences that have changed the very essence of who we are. If we didn’t what a waste our lives would be, to go through life with the spirit and mentality of a caterpillar never to morph and grow into a beautiful butterfly.

hairy worm

In the beginning, after I suffered my first miscarriage I bristled and pricked at the injustice of it. I could not believe or understand that life could be that unfair, that cruel, I was shocked by my misfortune and felt very sorry for myself. I hurt and everything hurt me, I was rubbed raw by my experience, I thought I’d never recover from it, I thought I’d never be able to stop crying from it. Every pregnancy announcement crushed me,  every conversation about friends and families pregnancies hurt me, brought tears to my eyes, a pain in my heart and yearning in my spirit.

 

 

 

butterflypupaeSomewhere in the midst of that pain & yearning, I went to ground, into hibernation, tried to run away from it all, tried to get away from the hurt. We moved to Mozambique and I took a sabbatical for 18 months. I tried to avoid the things that hurt me, I was bitter and twisted about the hand I’d been dealt, I tried to makes sense of the unfairness of it all. I fought against the hand I’d been dealt with every fiber in my being. I rebelled, I stamped my foot and shook my fist in anger at my infertility. I was overwhelmed by bouts of incredible sadness, I spent days crying and lamenting why me.  I had “vent” sessions whenever I heard about somebody elses pregnancy’s, it was hard for me to be joyful for anyone eleses good fortune, I was so overwhelmed by my fertility misfortune.  We moved back to SouthAfrica, we dabbled with a bit of light weight, entry level fertility treatment, it all failed. I fell pregnant again, I lost the baby, the one baby I was convinced I’d keep because it had stuck the longest, I was crushed.

 

 

fallenstones1

My real struggle began after my 6thmiscarriage. I grappled with issues of being unworthy, unloved, not good enough for the blessing which God seemed to so willingly bestowe on so many others. I became obsessed with treatment, doing 3 IUI’s and 3 IVF’s in the space of 8 months, I pushed my husband to the brink, I pushed the boundaries of our marriage. I didn’t care about anything except the pain I was in and about finding a solution to that pain, I believed having a real life baby was  the answer, I believed it would end my pain, I believed it would change my life, give me the life I felt I wanted, thought I deserved.

 

 

winter_butterfly

 Somewhere in the last year and half, I realized I’ve undergone a complete metamorphosis. Somewhere in the last year and a half I learned to surrender to the things I couldn’t control or understand. To just let them be, to roll withthe punches and as graciously as possible absorb what life throws as me. Somewhere during the last year and a half my infertility has become a far less heavy burden to bare. Sure, I grapple with issues like whether or not to continue, I grapple with the odds of another failed IVF, I have a deep sense of loss for the embryo’s that didn’t make it. But I’m no longer overwhelmed by infertility, I’m no longer defined by it. I’m able to love deeply, I have a deep sense of compassion for the women I see walking this path, for the women I see battling the same issue’s I’ve battled. I have a sense of love & camaraderie for these women because I understand them, because I’ve been through it but I’ve come out of the dark tunnel and into the light, because I’ve morphed into a beautiful butterfly who loves babies, other people’s babies, who loves to touch the taught tightness of a pregnant belly, who attends and hosts baby showers and is able to experience the joy and wonder of these occasions. Yes, there is still that deep seated yearning for it to be me, but I’m no longer overwhelmed by the ugly emotions, by the bitterness of loss, by the questions of why me, by a sense of entitlement. And in becoming this beautiful creature, I’m able to recognize my blessings – and there are many – I can see that God has granted me the  path less travelled, but I can also see that this is what makes me unique, its what makes me special.

It’s with this wealth of experience that I go forward still believing that God has a plan for me, still believing that my experience, my journey is going to be so much more than just my journey. I’m constantly on the look out because I believe God has placed me on this path for a purpose and its not just for my own growth. I don’t know the how’s the why’s or the what’s but I’m waiting on Him to reveal His divine plan for me.

Does this make me perfect? No! Does it mean I don’t have issues I still need to deal with? No. Does it mean that I have a sense of superiority? No. But I would love to use my experience, my knowledge gained through this journey to help other women, to love them and support them through their own painful metamorphosis. My blog (and all of you who read it)  is the start of a new journey for me, where it will lead I don’t know but time will tell…..

Posted in Questions About Infertility

No Wonder Infertility Is So Misunderstood

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Its really no wonder infertility is so misunderstood by the fertile world out there. Its no wonder we infertiles get bombarded with statements like:

  1. Perhaps you’re not meant to have a child
  2. If you just relaxed
  3. I know somebody who adopted & then she fell pregnant
  4. If you stopped thinking about it
  5. Its better you had your miscarriage now and not later

I mean, really, we are a very much misunderstood bunch. The world at large does not understand what we go through, attempts to try and understand are usually made by individuals with two kids hanging off his/her ankles so it comes across as insincere or so glossed over that these attempts never really get to grips with the true emotion and the true pain of infertility.

I’ve seen way too many movies/TV shows of late that depict a couple battling infertility who breezily decide to give up trying for a baby without too much effort or lost sleep, very little pain and no hand wringing anguish. I’ve watched movies & read books that depict the grieving process of a miscarriage as a few tears shed and then life happily carrying on with always the pot of gold being found at the end of the rainbow. Even Christian movies offer little comfort in this area, I’d have to say, the one Christian movie I watched covering this area I found down right insulting. I found my mother in laws insistence that I watch it because it would be so helpful even more insulting.

I hate that so many people who lead lives in the public eye, who have the ability to change the misconceptions out there about infertility keep quiet about it.

All the celebrities quietly battling infertility, all the TV  shows breezily skimming over the true emotions about infertility, all the movies that lightly cover injections and treatments and IVF’s like they’re nothing, like they’re so easy to cope with.

No wonder we’re so misunderstood. No wonder the world looks at us and cannot understand our pain, cannot imagine our feels of loss & isolation. No wonder so many don’t understand the ache I carry in my heart daily for the babies I’ve lost, the great sense of disappointment every month when Aunt Flo arrives.

And then to add insult to injury I have to watch some stupid TV ad from a Medical Aid on how starting a family is a liability for some so birth control is covered under their risk portfolio. Gee thanks MA! What about those of us paying you thousands every month, desperate for a baby but having to fork out of our own pockets for treatment for our disease?

Posted in Questions About Infertility

False Sense Of Contentment?

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Yesterday, as I was driving home from work, singing along to the radio with a smile on my face, I realized that the feeling I was experiencing as more than just happiness, it was contentment. I was thinking about my life, about all the exciting plans we have for the next year and the events we’re planning with friends. I was/am genuinely happy and feeling quite satisfied. Of course, this immediately let me to start over analyzing how I was feeling and that familiar question again reared its unanswered head……..

Do I really want to interfere with the balance in my life and add a child to the mix? And for the first time, I had a moment of clarity, or at least, I think it was clarity and I think I may finally have the answer I’ve been searching for. It dawned on me that part of the reason why W and I have such an active, fulfilled life is because we’re very active socially and our involvement is mostly with other couples also battling infertility. So they also have similar lifestyles to us, they can also pack up and go on a weekend away on a whim, we can at the last minute decide to go out for dinner without worrying about babysitters or considering children etc. But this will change, sooner or later, these people will start to win their battle against infertility and the happy balance that I am currently enjoying in my life will shift and change and how happy will I be then?

Last week I did a posting titled: Am I Able and somebody commented on our ability to be happy with what we have now. At the time I didn’t fully understand this statement, but I think I do now. I think my feelings of contentment and happiness have to do with my ability to enjoy life as it is now. But a future surrounded by friends and friends children while we remain childfree is not a future I want to consider, I want to be a Mom, I want to be like all my other friends, I want to share in that experience and be able to relate to that experience with all the friends I have now.

Does this mean I’m excited to start my FET? Hell No! Do I want to dive right back in and start trying? Definitely not! But at some point in the near future, I will be ready to start trying again and it will be because I DO want to be a mother, I DO want to have a child and I DON’T want to live childfree.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Coping With Mother’s Day

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There has been a fundamental shift in my thinking/feelings over my infertility over the past year, I suppose I can put it down to experience or time, or perhaps acceptance, probably a bit of all three. But emotionally, I’m in far better shape now than what I was a few years ago. My infertility no longer depresses me, sure, I get sad and depressed when treatments fail, but overall, on the whole, I don’t walk around with the weight of my infertility pressing down on my shoulders, I don’t live and breathe infertility anymore. It does not permeate into ever aspect of my life, its simply is a part of me and I cope with it like anyone copes with hardships in life.

One of the great things about being in this place is that things like baby showers, buying baby gifts, hearing pregnancy announcments or celebrating mothers day no longer brings me to tears or feels as though it stabs me in the heart. In fact, with Mother’s Day upon us, I just realized this morning that I haven’t had one moment of sadness or self pity, all I’ve thought about in the lead up to this day is what I could do for my wonderful Mother? I went shopping earlier in the week and one of the store assistants was trying to be chatty while he assisted me, he asked me if I was prepared to be spoiled on Mothers day? A few years ago, a question like that would have stung, it would have brought tears into my eyes but not anymore and I feel liberated by it!

I can only think that these new found feelings have a lot to do with my acceptance of my situation, of not trying to fight what can’t be fought, of being able to surrender to the situation and submit myself to whatever needs to be done to get through.

I wish all of my fellow IF sisters a happy day today, remember regardless of what today is called, we are all special and should be celebrated. A friend sent this to me earlier in the week and it expresses everything I think and feel about mothers day:

mothers day

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Do You Ever Wonder Why?

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question-mark-1

This isn’t a posting about the “Why me?” question, I gave up years ago wondering why infertility chose me, asking why this happened to me. There simply is no answer to that question or rather I’ve been unable to come up with the answer to that question and trying to find the answers has caused me to land up pointing the finger of blame at myself or at something I’ve done to deserve infertility and then I’ve wound up feeling guilt. Really, I’ve come to the conclusion, there is no satisfactory answer to this question, its just a waste of time and energy trying to figure out the answer.

But lately there’s been a different type of “why” question floating around in my head. I suppose after I’ve exhausted all attempts at answering this “why” I’ll come to the same conclusion, that it was just a great big fat waste of time and energy because, like the “why me” question, this type of “why” questions simply cannot have an answer either.

During a quiet period at the office in the last couple of days, I’ve spent some time catching up on some blogs and reading some of the online support forums. I can’t help but notice that in comparison, and I know you’re all going to say don’t make comparisons, but lets be honest, we all do, so in comparison to a large percentage of IF sisters out there, I’ve certainly been around a long time, I’ve been on this journey longer than the average TTC’er out there. Its really got me wondering why some of us have longer journey’s than others, why for some of us the journey has to be that much tougher? And I’m certainly not taking anything away from anyone who has or is battling infertility out there, infertility is hard – PERIOD, nor am I attempting to be melodramatic, but lets be honest, some of us do have a harder journey to travel than others, I know there are worse things in the world than walking a mile in my shoes, but really, I can’t help wondering why I have to be one of the ones on the tougher road less travelled? Why couldn’t I just be one of those women who tried for a few years, perhaps had one or two treatments and then got her miracle?

I guess this “why” question is the same as the “why me” question, aside from there simply being no answer, it all comes back to looking for reasons why this happened, looking for things I can do to make it better, make it end faster, make me worthy of the same miracle granted to so many others.

So if any of you know the answers to this “why” question, I’d love to read your views.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

The March of Time

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In just over a month it will be my birthday, again. Ever wonder why that day seems to come around faster and faster every year? I remember, when I was younger, looking forward to my birthday, its funny how time marches on with or without us and how the years change us. My age never used to bother me, it was just a number but there was a fundamental shift in my thinking when I turned 35. Since then, I’ve no longer looked forward to birthdays, I dread them, I hate seeing my number clock higher and higher, I hate how I get closer and closer to 40 each year. Turning 36 was the weirdest birthday of my life, I CRIED! I was sad and depressed and my office through a surprise birthday breakfast for me, when they toasted with champers in the boardroom and asked how it was to be a year old, I actually shed a tear!!!!

I often wonder if my sadness at turning another year older has a lot to do with my infertility. I guess on some level it does scare me a lot. I mean, in just a few short months, W & I will be entering into our 8th year of TTC. I remember just barely surviving the first year of TTC, all of 30 years old, but thinking it wasn’t a big deal because I still had a good 10 years of TTC time left. Then before I knew it, we’d been TTC’ing for 4 years and I thought the world would end, I remember thinking that surely by the time we get to the 5th year we’ll have had success, 5 years is a LONG time. Then I turned 35 and we past the 5 years of TTCmark. I remember moving to my new clinic 6 months after turning 35 and having my new RE say that we had to hurry up with me as time was starting to run out. That stung and it was a sharp realization that I had to adopt a now or never approach.

Well hear I am, just over a month shy of my 37th birthday and now more than ever I realize time is running out for us. . The simple fact is that I’m not 30 years old anymore. I’m not even 32 or 33 years old anymore, I’m on the wrong side of 35, I’m on the downward slide to 40. I don’t have the time to enjoy long TTC breaks, we have to go balls to the walls because if the next 3 years pass as fast as the previous 7 years have past, then it will all be over in a blink of an eye and I could still be on a TTC break trying to decide what to do next.

I often look back at photo’s of my life and wonder where the time has gone, I can see the march of time on my face, especially in the last 10 years, the changes are fairly dramatic, I put together a little photo time-line to show you all:

just-me-27 Me @ 27, I wish I could still look like that!

yearbook-pic-1Me @ 30, two months prior to the devastation of my first miscarriage.

sharon-face-book-image Me @ 34, one week past my 6th devastating miscarriage.

sharon-facebook-1Me, one month shy of my 37th birthday.

I know everyone will try and tell me age is just a number and I know that it is, I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I’m coming towards the end of another decade of my life and the one thing that most people achieve during this decade I’ve been unable to do.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Am I Able?

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For a while now, I’ve been thinking about this, I know I’ve blogged about similar topics in the past, but this thought keeps coming back to me and I’m starting to wonder……..

This holiday in Cape Town and then this Sunday spent with my MIL, SIL and her two kids, just reconfirmed this thought in my head. This thought causes me some confusion surrounding how to proceed. Its probably going to sound incredibley selfish and when I share it, its probably going to make me sound incredibly shallow and perhaps its not even a genuine thought, perhaps, its just a protection mechanism to protect my aching heart from further hurt. So I’m going to share the thought here, for those of you with children, please don’t judge me to harshly, I’ve never experienced parenthood so this is just an opinion and for those of you battling infertility, try not to judge me too harshly, because I suspect that there is a possibility that this is genuinely just a protection mechanism.

Ok, so here it is: The more time I spend with family and friends who have children, the more I realize how privileged my life is. Does that sound awful? Do I sound shallow and superficial? Should I explain? Well here’s the thing, I live in a lovely house, we have really nice furniture in our home, none of which gets jumped on, messed on, vomited on etc etc etc. I have as much quiet time/personal space as I want, I do whatever I want, whenever I want and the only person I have to consider is W. We go away on holiday regularly, we’re planning an overseas holiday. I drive a luxury car, I go to the spa at least twice a year, I have beauty treatments every single month, I get my hair done every single month. I allocate a portion of my salary for buying clothes, bags, shoes and accessories every month. I get at least 7 full hours of sleep every night, I can sleep late every weekend, I can work overtime whenever I want. We eat out at least once a week with no consideration given other than what we’re in the mood for. I can watch whatever I want on TV and that NEVER includes Cartoon Network to CeeBeeBee (or whatever its called).

On the whole, on reflection, I have a really really great life, sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I want to give it all up for children? I feel conflicted. Just yesterday I told W that we should postpone our FET planned for July in order to make our planned overseas trip to Australia and New Zealand sooner without having to worry about the inconvenience of an FET. I have to wonder, if I’m thinking like this, do I really want a child? I’m tempted to choose an overseas holiday over an FET, over the chance of having a baby.

I also know, that despite the fact that none of our family or friends would give up their children, that they do look at the lifestyle W and I have with a sense of longing. I suppose the same way that I look at their children with a sense of longing.

I guess the biggest question I need to answer for myself is, were I too have a baby, would I be able to adapt to the selfless life of motherhood? Would I be happy? I turn 37 next month, have I not perhaps lived too much of my life in this manner, will I be able to adapt? Or do I try to appease myself with the thoughts of my privileged life in order to avoid dealing with the pain of infertility. I simply don’t know.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

A Day In Heaven

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Aside from being at times loud and disorderly, all brought on by the volume of champers consumed, we had a blast yesterday, just what the Dr ordered. I must be honest and say, that it was a stark realization for me of two things.

Firstly that I’m still not back to my old self, although the AD’s have helped clear my mind and stopped the incessant crying, I am still extremely tense and anxious. And the second thing is just how stressed out and anxious I am. I had anxiety almost constantly through out the entire day and my back and neck are so tight and full of knots it was almost impossible for the therapists to massage me as their hands and would slip and they were unable to get a proper grip on my back and neck because of the knots and spasms. I kept having to remind myself to relax the entire day as I’d find myself lying there with an anxiety knot building in my stomach and my entire body tensed. Relaxing was a conscious decision and I had to constantly remind myself to relax my body and try and unwind.

Today, I feel extremely tender and sore, I actually woke up in the night because my back feels bruised from all the attempts and soothing the knots and spasms in my back.

A day spent with, as W refers to them, my Soul Sisters, has left me with one HUGE question mark in my mind, Do I really want to continue on this journey??

Posted in Questions About Infertility

TTC To CTT?

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line-in-the-sand1

 

I have found myself contemplating this question more and more over the past year. TTC for 6 years turned into TTC for 7 years and now I stand at the doorway of TTC for 8 years. I’m still not really sure I have the answer or that I even fully grasp the impact of the question. I do know that I have a massive cheer-leading squad and for that I’ll be eternally grateful. But I also know that there aren’t too many TTC’ers out there that TTC for 7;8;9; 10 years. Most have success long before that and so few can truly understand what TTC for so many years is really like.

Three years of TTC felt like a life time, 4 years felt like eternity, by the time 5 years rolled around, disbelief had settled in, I cannot believe that in 3 short months we move into TTC for 8 years. There are days where I feel like this is all just a nightmare and that I’m going to wake up and be happy to discover that the hardships of the past 7 years won’t have been real. There are days when I’m gripped by utter disbelief, like an outsider looking in on my life in utter horror, wondering who this person is and how she’s survived all the miscarriages, all the rounds of timed cycles, all the rounds of IUI’s, all the rounds of IVF’s, all the failures and all the disappointments.  I feel like at some point a line has to be drawn, I feel like at some point I have to be willing to stop and say I will go no further.

But how? How do I make such a massive, life changing decision. Especially when I’m so afraid of the consequences of choosing to live childree.  I suppose my obvious fear of living childfree is already part of my answer, that although I have accepted I will have to make this choice at some point, I’m not in a place to do it right now. I have reached a point in this journey where I know that I will be able to live a childree, happy, fulfilled life, I guess that’s also what qualifies me as a Veteran of IF. But at the same time, its not a life I choose, its not the life I dream of and yearn for.

One week past my 4th failed IVF, I’m still hurting like crazy for the disappointment, loss and failure, I”m deeply depressed, barely able to hold my head up, but the desire to try again is still there. What makes my heart race and makes me tremble with fear is not the thought of trying again, but the thought of never trying again. I’m more afraid of giving up and walking away than I am of what trying again will mean.

In the last couple of months I’ve been fortunate to have a few amazing women come into my life, women who did TTC for 7;8;9;10 years and then drew the line and said to here and no further. One of those women is Sandy, after my posting earlier this week answering the questions on my battle with infertility versus my desire to be a mother and whether being a mother was part of God’s plan for me, Sandy and I had a rather interesting discussion, via email of course, on CTT(coming to terms) with being childfree. I must say her honest and frank response gave me a new insight into making this decision, this is what she said:

Hi Sharon,
 
As I was reading your post yesterday the one thing that struck me was how much you wanted to be a mother.  You grew up mothering.  Me?  I was a tomboy.  Nurturing wasn’t really my thing.  Maybe because I’m the oldest of six and the youngest is 16 years younger, who knows.  I was so very surprised when at age 34 the biological clock didn’t just start ticking, it went off like a time bomb.  Because I had had many years of happiness childfree, giving up on motherhood was, I believe, easier for me than for many others.  Even through the infertility I always talked about how lucky I was because I was only giving up a dream that was a few years old rather than something that was decades old.  And I stopped when I had a bad reaction to clomid and started having fuzziness in my vision.  When I talked to the doctor about it he said that I must not really have wanted to have children if I wasn’t willing to potentially sacrifice some of my vision (I already wear coke bottle lenses).  He was absolutely right – I wasn’t willing to go so far to give up major parts of my being.  I do think his answer was uncaring and extreme, but no different than your last comment, it made me stop short and wonder how far did I want to go and how much did I want to give up.  The answer was I was tired, didn’t like who I was, and wanted off the roller coaster.  The idea of pursuing further treatment gave me hives and panic attacks.  The idea of stopping felt like a warm flood of relaxation washing over me.  Absolutely positively my own experience and in no way should be indicative of what others should go through (notice how we infertiles get so very firm on that everyone is entitled to their own experience?). 
 
BUT, after the miscarriage I questioned all of it.  I wondered if I had given up too easily, whether we should have adopted, whether I should have done IVF (we did one failed IUI).  I think when you manage to get to step 1, giving up is so much more difficult.  And particularly when you enter the world of assistance because there are always stories about women who took 10 tries before finally getting pregnant.  So the end-point is a lot less clear. And that’s particularly true for those, like you, who were destined to be mothers from day 1.  Ultimately, while it would be very wonderful to have a child or two bouncing around my feet, motherhood, for me (and I’m only saying for me) isn’t the only pathto happiness.  At 44 I’m not willing to risk bringing a special needs child into my life and adoption takes too long and is fraught with its own challenges.  I will nurture in other ways, whether it be by being a moderator at a miscarriage board or by becoming a Big Sister again.  But I’m completely and utterly adamant that what works for me may not work for others and I also think that if I had miscarried early on my path would have been completely different.  I only offer my opinions as another perspective so that you can try them on and see whether they fit or not.  Either way you learn something.
 
Listen to your heart.  I think you’ll know when it’s time.  You may be coming to that point now because you’re starting to question it, but if your reaction is to dance away from not ttcas quick as you can, then it’s definitely not time.  I will support your decision either way and if you do decide to investigate child-free you are welcome to bombard me with as many questions as you can ask.  I have a cousin that did six IVFs.  One resulted in a failed pregnancy and the others were zip.  She’s recently decided to give up on becoming a biological mother and was trying to decide whether she wanted to adopt or to live child free.  At times I felt that I was being interrogated by her questions. I was happy to answer them because it’s so hard to know unless you’ve got an educated sounding board. Ultimately she’s decided to adopt and I’m so very glad that I had a role in helping her with her decision even though it’s not the same decision as mine. 
 
The decision of how far to go is a very scary process.  I don’t think you’re ready yet, and I wouldn’t be if I had FETs waiting either.  But I’ll be there to hold your hand as often as you need me (if nothing else you’ll know postivelythat there’s another left behind (and I type that with a smile that I can at least be that)).  And maybe my journey for you is only an affirmation that it’s not a path that you want to take any time soon.
 
I wrestled with whether to respond to you through e-mail or as a comment to one of your posts because there are others that are asking the same questions.  And, like you say, some of the comments are so very aggravating that I feel the more support you get for your situation the more the commenters may realize that there are some things that you don’t understand until you go through it.  Feel free to post elements if that’s what you want to do (but I’m not at all suggesting that you have to – we’re on so very different journeys that much of what I say may not be applicable to your emotions and may be completely irrelevant to what you feel you need to say, I’m just giving you permission to quote freely and offer your own opinions (ok, well maybe if I’ve come across as giving ass-vise I think I’d rather hear from you first before reading about it on your blog, but otherwise go ahead)).
 
Hugs and warmth,

Sandy

Sandy’s email has truly helped me, aside from giving me a new perspective, its helped me answer some of my own questions floating around inside my head. One of them is that while I’m far enough on this journey to be able to entertain the idea of CTT and living childfree, I’m no where near ready to give up on the dream.

So for now I have some peace with the choice I’ve made. Its helped me to strengthen my resolve, bite down, square my shoulders and get ready to fight another day.

FET here I come.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Interesting Question

Comments:29 Comments

Yesterday I received a comment from a new reader to my blog. In her comment, she posed two questions to me, one which was rather interesting and I thought I’d address it here and also get the opinions of my fellow infertiles and the second, which quite unintentionally on her part, caused me to have the reaction of a raging bull having a red flag waved in front of it. I’ve decided to address both questions here in my blog because I’d like to get the opinions of my fellow infertiles. In addition, it would be great for all those not battling infertility to read so that they can perhaps gain a new insight into infertility and better arm themselves to respond in a more compassionate or sensitive way should they ever come across an infertile couple in real life.

Ok, so firstly, to the interesting questions – Am I Fighting To Find A Solution To My Infertility Or To Become A Mother?

This is an interesting question, mostly because I’ve asked myself this same thing a few times over the course of the past 7 years. I have wondered if this desire comes from the strong urge to be a mother or if its got more to do with my competitive nature and my steely determination to beat infertility. Frankly, I think the answer is a little bit of both and I think that each one goes hand in hand with the other. If it weren’t for my overwhelming desire to be a mother I would not have the steely determination to beat infertility. It if weren’t for my steely determination to beat infertility I’d give up my strong desire to be a mother. In addition, being a mother is something I’ve always wanted, its been a desire of mine since I was a little girl playing with her dolls. When my brother was born, to avoid sibling jealousy, my Mom and Dad bought me a baby doll with a carry cot and a pram. I looked after after my baby doll the same way my mother looked after my brother. When my brother fed, my baby doll fed, when my brothers nappy got changed, my baby dolls nappy got changed, when my brother was taken for a walk in his pram, my baby doll was taken for a walk in her pram. When I was 11 years old my Uncle & Aunt adopted a baby boy. My Aunt, interestingly enough, was infertile under almost the exact same circumstances as me, messy appendix operations as a child. I was so excited for this baby boy to come into our lives, every moment I could spend with my aunt and him was so precious, I wanted to do everything, hold him, feed him, change his nappies, rock him to sleep. You see, the desire to be a mother has ALWAYS been a part of who I am, its always been there, its not something that developed later in life, I’ve always known that I was created to mother, to nurture and to care for a raise children. So yes, while part of my drive comes from my steely determination to beat infertility, the underlying reason is because of my overwhelming desire to be a mother. I also want to add that I truly believe that once an infertile always an infertile. In other words, I will be blessed with a child (or more) but I will always be infertile. The things that make me infertile will never go away, they will always be there, along with the emotions and the lessons I have learned on this journey, so there is no beating infertility because being infertile is either something you are or you aren’t. To my infertile friends, how would you respond to this question? Would you also say its a bit of both?

The second question I found really upsetting, I realize, the intention was not to upset, its a question that a lot of people ask without thinking or realizing the hurt that it causes. I want to address this question so that every person reading my blog learns something from it because I believe its something that every single infertile person has to deal with many times along their journey and its a question that is often asked with out the person asking realizing how much hurt they cause.

So here it is: Am I sure that being a Mother is part of God’s plan for me?

Firstly, let me say, if God had not intended me to be a mother, he could not have given me the tools to create life. So I have to say, yes, it is part of God’s plan for me to be a mother. If it weren’t he wouldn’t have given me a uterus, he wouldn’t have given me ovaries laden with eggs, he wouldn’t have given me fallopian tubes to carry sperm to my waiting eggs. Yes, perhaps those things don’t work as well as they should, but this is true for many people and many different circumstances. I also wear glasses because I have poor eye sight. Because my eye sight is poor I do not for one second believe that it wasn’t part of God’s plan for me to not see. Some of us just need additional help in certain area’s of our lives and this journey to find the help and over come the difficulty builds character, it creates human beings with beautiful spirits and it strengthens our faith in God and in His promises to u. Secondly, I believe that my strong desire to be a mother comes from God. I believe He gave me this desire because He has a plan for my life and part of that plan is to see the desires of my heart fulfilled.

I know so many of my feritle friends and readers want to be a good friend to me and to so many who walk the same path as me, but we’re strange creatures, very raw and very easily hurt. If  you want to know how to be the best kind of friend/supporter of an infertile, please, I urge you to read This article.

Lastly, to the commenter who sparked this response, I would like to say two things. Firstly, I know that you comment came with the best intentions and the reason for my response in this manner is not so you can feel slapped in the face, but because they are the types of questions that we infertiles often get asked and I believe the answers are valid for all readers. Secondly, I want to thank you for asking these questions because I’ve been in a very bad place the last week. I’ve been beyond sad. I’ve questioned my faith, I’ve questioned the reasons why I’m doing this. I’ve felt lost and defeated and I’ve wanted to quit. But by addressing your questions here today, I’ve remembered the reasons why I’m doing this. Typing this posting has given me the strength to put a smile on my face and in my heart and to push ahead. For a while I started to worry that I’d misunderstood God’s promise to me, but by answering your questions here, I am once again reminded of God’s promise to me and I know I am meant to be a mother and in God’s time, I will be granted this desire. I have new strength to go on and fight the fight till God’s promise is fulfilled.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Sometimes I Get So Mad

Comments:9 Comments

So for those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while, or who’ve read the About Me section, will know, Vitalabis my second fertility clinic, I’ve been with them for exactly a year now. And its been a year of really having my eyes opened. I didn’t want to leave my previous clinic, I went to Vitalab underduress and pressure from my husband and my friends. I went witha bad attitude, determined to find fault with them. Instead, they have completelywon me over with the level of care and their extremely high standards. In addition, they’ve also poked massive holes all of the care and treatment I’d received previously. Just about every time I’m there I learn something new, something that points out just how miserably my previous treatment failed me, for eg: my scan assisted ER on Tuesday that showed my cervix measuring 6.5cm’s and making me truly wonder about my previous IVF’s.

I’ve had to work hard at trying to put my previous experience behind me, there are a lot of things I have not shared on this blog, but things that my DH and I were put through at the previous clinic that should not have happened or if they had happened should not have happened the way they did. Those of you who know us will know what I’m referring to.

One of the greatest failures of my previous clinic was the fact that they do not include an HSG as part of their investigations. Now that I’ve had an HSG I realize just what a great failure this is, now that I’ve move to Vitalaband have convinced a number of friends to move with me, and we’ve all gone through our first HSG’s ever, now I can see what a great failure this is.

At the time of my HSGwe were to discover for first time ever the full extent of my internal problems. My previous clinic had noted during a lap procedure with them that my right tube was blocked, but by not doing an HSG they had in fact missed out on the following:

A partial Uterine Septum

A Uterine Polyp

And what I was later to discover was NOT just a blocked tube but was in fact a Hydrosalpinges

blocked-tubes

I also had uterine scarring and the only surgery ever performed on my uterus was by my previous clinic to remove Fibroids and pelvic lesions.

So, while under their care, I had all of the above mess going on inside me, I underwent countless timed and triggered cycles,  3 IUI’s, 2 full IVF’s and 1 Natural IVF, all of which were doomed to fail because of the total mess inside.

When I had my surgery with Vitalabto repair all of the damage, afterwards, Dr G told W and I that after seeing the state of my right tube, he is convinced that its the reason for all of my treatment failures and also for all of my miscarriages as the tube was filled with a combination of pus and fluid.

I hadn’t really given any of it too much thought till I was on the Fertilicare Knowledge Base last week and saw his question and the corresponding answer from Dr V:

LATEST QUESTIONS

 

I just wanted to know from Dr V how do pelvic adhesions affect ICSI/ET & implantation. I have pelvic adhesionsand suffer with very painful cycles because of this. FS doesn’t want to attempt removing the adhesions just yet, at until we have 1 child as the adhesions are quite bad and he is concerned about complications. I just wanted to find out how the adhesions affect ICSI?

March 6th, 2009

 

Pelvic adhesive disease per sae, does not influence ICSI/ET. The question is why the pelvic adhesive disease is present in the first place and more importantly, whether it is accompanied by blocked tubes that may lead to hydrosalpinges( tubes blown up and filled with water or pus) The presence of hydrosalpinges alone seems to be detrimental to the outcome of ICSI/ET and has been shown to reduce the success rate by as much as 50% until having been surgically addressed. Furthermore, stage 3-4 endometriosis, that can also lead to pelvic adhesions , has been shown to have a reduced success rate until having been surgically improved.

- Week 31 answers kindly provided by Dr. Stephan Volschenk -

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Posted in ICSI – intracytoplasmic sperm injection, pelvic adhesions | No Comments

Reading this just makes me furious all over again!!!!!!

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Pregnancy Announcements

Comments:10 Comments

I have a twin! I discovered my twin quite by accident. She lives on the other side of the world and we’re not identical in looks, but we are identical in fertility and in our thoughts on fertility. Stacey is somebody who totally “gets” and can relate to my thoughts and feelings on infertility, mostly because our journey’s have been almost identical. So this week, I’ve been doing a series of postings on my blog about my thoughts and feelings and needs in terms of coping with me when I’m pregnant and coping with me when I miscarry. Stacey did this fantastic post on announcing a pregnancy to somebody who’s battled infertility and RPLand I figured I’d include it on my blog as her thoughts are identical to mine.

This is what she had to say:

“I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately about the topic of pregnancy announcements. I feel like I say this a lot on my blog, but please understand that I don’t write anything here to try to take a stab at some particular person who might be reading. I don’t write to make anyone feel guilty about how they might have handled a certain situation. I write here to share my feelings about all aspects of living with infertility and miscarriage. When I write about a topic like this one today, I hope to open up some dialogue between people on different sides of the issue. So, with that disclaimer out of the way, here goes.

The fact is that for most people in my situation, hearing pregnancy announcements is hard. As much as I don’t want that to be true, it is. I wish I could explain just how much I wish it didn’t have to be an issue at all. I remember way back when it wasn’t, and I long for that day to come again. How the news is delivered actually does make a difference, I believe. Trust me when I tell you that in 8 years I have heard lots of pregnancy announcements. For organization’s sake, I’ll list out a few scenarios and comment on each individually.

1. The Surprise
This is the pregnancy announcement that comes totally out of the blue and is usually delivered in a group setting, at a party, at a restaurant, at a family reunion or holiday gathering, or wherever. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with gathering up your family and friends for your special announcement, but certainly if there’s someone in the crowd that you know has had difficulty with infertility or miscarriage, there is probably a better way to let them in on it. I can’t speak for everyone but I can tell you that being in my shoes and being blindsided with pregnancy info in a public place is hard. Keep in mind, I’m not upset that the couple is having a baby! I’m upset because I know that my feelings will be on display in this room full of people who know what I’m going through and are looking for my reaction. I know it’s not about me, but suddenly I feel put on the spot and I have to fight with myself to keep it together.

2. The Guessing Game
Oh, how I hate this one. I know that finding out that you’re pregnant is exciting. I know that you just got married two months ago and you “weren’t even trying,” and oops, this is totally an accident and you have no idea how it happened. I know that you just peed on a stick and saw two lines and haven’t been to the doctor yet but you just can’t wait to tell everybody. (Yes, I’m being snarky, but I really do understand that it’s their right to tell people whenever and however they want.) But seriously, if you want me to know that you’re pregnant, please don’t make me guess what the great news is. Don’t play around and send me an e-mail that says you’re really excited about something that will be happening on a date that is exactly 9 months from today. I’m not dumb enough to have absolutely no idea what that news could be. The bottom line here is that I’d rather just hear the news, plain and simple, no guessing games. I’m happy for you, but this game is not my idea of fun.

3. The Mass E-mail/text message
I actually don’t mind being told about a friend’s pregnancy by e-mail or even text message. I’ll tell you why: because I don’t have to worry about my reaction. I don’t have to be concerned about whether my voice sounds shaky or sincere. I hope that my friends know me well enough to know that I do rejoice in their good fortune. Even if I feel sad for me, I can feel happy for them. Particularly for friends who have had problems with pregnancy or conception, I’ve most likely been praying that it will happen for them! But it’s hard when, like I mentioned earlier, I feel put on the spot or feel like I have to make my enthusiasm over the news match their own. When the news comes by message, I can deal with it however I need to at that moment, and I can reply when I’m ready with my congratulations.
There is one downside to this mass text messaging business. Hearing the important news that you’re pregnant or that the baby was just born or things like that by text message is totally fine with me. I don’t, however, need a mass text message sent to my phone every single time you have an ultrasound or doctor’s appointment, felt the baby move, or had false labor pains. There really is such a thing as too much information! That’s not to say that I don’t want to be involved in a family member or close friend’s life, but that kind of info is hard to hear constantly when you’ve been through painful experiences with pregnancy.

4. The “This Isn’t a Big Deal”
Yes, it’s a bit hard to get through a pregnancy announcement where the person is absolutely overjoyed and goes on and on about how awesome their life is. But I kinda get that. I understand in a way. I’ve been pregnant before, and yes, I even remember what it was like when I didn’t have the dark cloud of recurrent miscarriage following me around. I know full well that finding out you’re expecting a baby is a joyful time. But sometimes I get reactions that go the other way and I never know what to do with that. To tell you the truth, it’s weird to get a ho-hum-I-guess-I’m-pregnant-it’s-no-big-deal announcement. I’ll have people casually ask me, “Oh, did you hear we might be pregnant?” They just shrug it off like it’s not anything to get excited over. I get the feeling that this is perhaps to cushion the blow or protect my feelings. As much as I think those people are well-intentioned, I would rather if they would just be authentic with me. It’s ok that you’re excited. You don’t have to pretend that you aren’t!

5. The “Wait, I Didn’t Tell You?”
As hard as the pregnancy announcement might be to someone who has been waiting for years and years for their own baby, the non-announcement can be just as painful. There have been many times where my husband and I are the last people on the planet to hear the news from a friend. If it’s someone we don’t see often, sometimes we don’t ever hear about the pregnancy until the child is born! Of course, I know that people lose touch, but I can’t help but get the feeling that the friend didn’t know what to say, so they chose to say nothing. To be honest, leaving us in the dark for that long makes us feel like our friendship is not important, or that you think we don’t care when in fact we do. I’ll never forget going to church one day when all of my girlfriends were talking about the cute baby announcement they’d gotten in the mail from one of our friends who had moved away. I hadn’t gotten one. I blamed it on the mail being slow, but it never came.

Really, the bottom line is that everyone is certainly allowed to announce their pregnancy in any way they choose. If, however, you have a friend in my situation, she will be grateful if you consider her feelings when sharing your news the next time around. Maybe you feel like the list above leaves you with no options! Now I’d love to share some ways that I feel people have done it very well.

1. Be honest & real.
These are my two favorite characteristics in people! I love it when my friends are straightforward. They have some news to tell me, so they call me up or send me a message and they deliver the news in a direct and heartfelt way. They know that I love them and care about them, and that I’m happy about their news and wish them the best. They don’t feel the need to apologize about their pregnancy, and they don’t push me to share my deepest feelings about my situation in that moment.

2. Be sensitive.
I’m not saying you have to get emotional or feel sad for me when you have happy news. Friendship is about give and take. It’s about being there for every step along the way, for all the ups and downs that will come in life. I remember when a friend called to tell me she was having her second baby while my first loss was still very fresh. She cried with me and said that she wished we could have shared the experience together. I knew that in her joy she was still sad for me, and she knew that in my sorrow I was still happy for her. That’s what friendship is. No, you don’t have to cry if that’s not what you’re feeling. Being authentic and sincere, though, is definitely the way to go. The overall attitude of the person sharing the news can make or break the whole experience, I think.

3. Be forthcoming.
Recently I got an e-mail from a friend asking if we could get together for lunch so she could share some big news with me in person. Of course you know what was going through my head. A little while later she sent me another message telling me that it was work-related so I wouldn’t be wondering what it was. I loved that. How refreshing! It felt good to let my guard down and enjoy lunch with my girlfriend without wondering what was about to happen or how I might react. I didn’t feel like I was being set up for any ambush either. Had she been announcing a pregnancy, though, I have to say that I would have wanted to hear about it in a straightforward way right then in the e-mail. Making an appointment to talk about it one-on-one would make me pretty uncomfortable right now and can be very overwhelming.

One of the greatest things is when those rare friendships come along that will have the same comfortable, easy feeling no matter what life throws at us. I treasure my dear friends who have managed to not allow pregnancy or motherhood or anything else to change what we have. They teach me things about parenting year after year – the joys as well as the struggles. It’s good to have friends who are great parents to their children, and I value that. Unfortunately there are some friendships that don’t hold up through extended times of grief for whatever reason, and I find that very sad.

Whew, even after such a long post I feel like there is more to be said on this topic. I also want to talk about announcements within the infertility community as well, but that’s for another post and another day (very soon). The last thing in the world that I want here is to come across as whiny and selfish. I think being honest about these feelings is good, and I encourage you to let me know whether you agree or disagree with any of these points. I don’t claim to speak for any one group of people – I know that every single person has their own feelings and opinions about this, so please share!”

Posted in Questions About Infertility

GUILT

Comments:16 Comments

I’m not sure if its just me, but the over riding emotion surrounding my infertility is guilt. And its not just me who feels guilty, guilt seems to affect everyone who knows us and loves us.

For me personally, I feel guilty because our infertility is my “fault”. I know everyone will say that it isn’t my fault, and I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent my infertility, but the fact remains that its my body that has caused our infertility all along. I mean I had the partial uterine septum, I had the uterine variocele (sp?), I had the blocked fallopian tube that was leaking toxins into my uterus. So yes, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that my body caused our babies to die, I feel guilty that my body caused all my IVF”s to fail. I feel guilty that my body has created so much heart ache for W and I. I feel guilty that W has had to go through this because of my body. GUILT!

I know W feels guilty because he can’t take the pain and heartache away, I know he feels guilty because somehow he believes he has to be this He-Man who can provide for all of my needs, including having an endless supply of money available for me to go on countless rounds of IVF. I know he feels guilty every time he sees me cry that he can’t take the hurt and pain away. I know that he feels guilty every time he see’s me have to endure yet another injection, blood test, invasive scan, PC Test, Egg Retrieval, Embryo Transfer, surgery, the list is endless.

I know my parents feel guilty, especially my Mother, for my fertility problems. I know none of this is her fault and yet she feels guilty knowing that a large portion of my fertility problems are related to the rather messy appendix operation I had as a child. I saw the tears in her eyes when I told her, after my last surgery, about the images the RE had shown us, of how they’d had to work to try and clean up my insides, of how the RE had asked me if I hadn’t lived with constant discomfort and pain on my lower right side, of how they’d had to cut away adhesion’s that had my insides all stuck to each other. My bowel, bladder and uterus were all pretty much glued to each other by these adhesion’s. My right tube, swollen to more than 5 times its natural size, which was drained and disconnected. All of this caused by my appendix surgery when I was 8 years old. There’s nothing she could have done to prevent any of this, the truth is, I was very sick, I was in terrible pain and my appendix needed to be removed and the surgery was performed as an emergency. But I know she feels guilty. I know she feels guilty every time I cry, every time she sees my tears, every time I loose another baby, she feels guilty. Which in turn makes me feel guilty because I love he so much I don’t want her to feel this way, I don’t want her to take on this responsibility and I would love to give her a grand child.

My friends and family members who get pregnant and have babies feel guilty because they know that their good fortune, their pregnancies and babies cause me pain. I see how they try to tone down their elation in an attempt to try and spare my feelings. I love them so much for that, I wish it could be different and that makes me feel guilty.

Then yesterday, on my post about Compromise, I got so much support from all of you and I’m so grateful for it, but there were two comments that stuck out in my mind. The first one was from Kirsty, she suggested that I read the book “The Secret” to unlock the power of positive thinking in myself and of “if I believe it I can become it”. Now the truth is I’ve had The Secret for a year sitting on my bedside table for a year now, I still have not brought myself to read it. And then yesterday, Glenda made a comment that read as follows:

Hi Sharon

Shit! My two cents worth…ignore Kirty’s suggestion (Kirsty, I am sure you mean well but what happens if things don’t work out, does it become our fault that we didn’t believe enough…in my experience you start getting into very complicated areas, ‘the secret’ should stay about wanting nice cars and house and not stuff like babies or cancer, the things that matter and that can stuff you up if they don’t happen).

My feeling, I get what you say. Screw the intellectual/esoteric stuff…its just lousy, unfair and crap and not right that one should have to deal with it!

Good luck.

And I think Glenda hit the nail on the head for me, I think she said exactly why I’ve been avoiding reading The Secret. I already have so much guilt over this, and what if, just what if the next round of treatment fails? I’m afraid that each treatment failure unloads a pile of guilt onto me in the first place. My thought process surrounding this issue goes like this:

If I believe it I become it. So does that mean that I didn’t believe enough that my previous rounds of treatment would work? What about the babies I’ve lost, did I not believe or want them enough? I can’t even bare to think like that, its too painful and hurts too much. So while I believe in the power of positive thinking and visualizing what we want, I also believe that there are outside factors that also play a role in the outcomes. My previous IVF’s were always doomed to fail, it didn’t matter how much I loved those babies, how much I wanted a positive result, the simple fact of the matter is that my insides were so messed up that there was no way a baby could survive in that kind of environment.

Kirsty, please don’t take this post has a slap in the face, because I by no means mean it that way. Its just that there are some things in life that positive thinking and believing in with all our hearts, can’t be changed.

So yes, I’m still hoping and believing in a miracle, but if the IVF fails, I just don’t want to pile a whole new type of guilt onto myself. I live with enough guilt already.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Inspite Of Infertility…

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Every time a get a bit down about the hand that I’ve been dealt with my infertility, something or someone comes along that inspire me, that make me realize there are worse things in life than being infertile. There are worse hands to be dealt. Yesterday I received an email from my friend, Tam, a video of a dude who was born with no arms and who despite being told it would be impossible to do so, learnt to play the guitar with his feet!

I reckon if he can overcome his obstacles, then so can I! A year ago I promised myself I would never let infertility rule my life again. And although it still plays a big part in my life, I’m very pleased to say, that this year is the first year since we started trying to have a baby, that I’ve actually LIVED and enjoyed life inspite of my infertility. I’ve stopped living for the “what if” and started living for the moment. We’ve taken every opportunity that has come our way and we’ve had a good year in terms of living and enjoying life.

My hope for all of us is that 2009 can be a happy year for all of us, filled with joy, fun and excitement, inspite of what infertility may throw at us.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

Relaxation & A Challenge

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So yesterday I had my second SCIO/BioFeedback Session and as per last week it was completely fascinating. Pretty much everything that the machine has picked up so far was confirmed for me already via my FS with a bunch of blood tests and so far in terms of my fertility there don’t seem to be any major issues. In fact, there’s only one thing that comes up over and over again and its the one thing that makes an infertile see RED! In fact, initially I felt a bit let down but I’ve spent sometime reflecting on it over the past week and I’m really starting to think that perhaps there is something to the “Just Relax” theory. Now I can feel you all taking aim at me and preparing to fire, so I’m gonna take cover, but I feel I need to say this first. I don’t believe this necessarily applies to everyone, but I do think that perhaps it may apply to me.

For starters, my last pregnancy was achieved with the use of acupuncture assistance only, and I still maintain that it had something to do with relaxing me. Secondly, I’m a naturally high strung tense person. I’m a worrier by nature, I catch myself in the dead of night tossing and turning and thinking. I try to relax during a facial or a massage or even my SCIO sessions, but I catch myself thinking, worrying, wringing my “mental hands” together and thinking thinking thinking. I’ve realized I actually have no clue how to relax. I’ve tried meditation but guess what I land up doing? Yup you got it, I land up thinking! I almost constantly have a knot in my stomach, so much so its become a natural part of how I feel, I don’t know what it feels like not to have it. I wake up in the mornings and my shoulder and chest muscles are so tight from tension that its physically painful for me to relax and straighten my shoulders. My jaw always feels tight because of how I bite down on my teeth and I often catch myself holding my breathe!

In my SCIO session yesterday I was told to breathe, to really focus on my breathing, I also need to start exercising more to increase my oxygen flow because of my very bad habit of holding my breathe. The relaxation test was quite interesting, where most people score in the + range and a score of around +6 is considered extremely poor, my score was………………… -3000!!! Now I know this is true because I also have Hyperprolactanemai (elevated Prolactin levels) and my FS has stated implicitly that its my lifestyle and stress levels causing this and that this condition can result and battling to fall pregnant. My Adrenal function is also elevated according to both SCIO and Blood tests from my FS and again this is an indicator of stress.

So now my question to you all is this? How do I relax? Somebody please tell me how I switch my mind off so that I can relax and calm down a little. I know this must sound sick but I thrive on the temporary boost of energy that Adrenalin gives me, I always thought I thrived under pressure because I love it. I love my hands shaking mind racing as I work through whatever has caused the stress. But clearly, years of living like this are starting to take their toll on me and I need to figure out how I calm down. Any tips or advice would be helpful?

The second part of my blog posting today is kind of a challenge/public service announcement:

This weekend is Voter Registration weekend for our national elections next year. I know so many South Africans don’t bother with registration and don’t vote and this is an issue I feel extremely strongly about. Its our democratic right to vote, people died in our country, millions suffered for the right to vote and yet so many of us take this right fore granted and don’t exercise it. I also believe that if you don’t vote you don’t have a right to criticize of complain about the state of affairs in our country. I know so many people feel that their vote won’t make a difference, but guess what, if everyone of us committed to registering and then voting we could make a difference. I feel like we’re standing at the doors of change in our countries politics and now more than ever, every single vote WILL count, so please my dear friends, I challenge you all to go out and register to vote this weekend, will you take up my challenge?

 

If you’ve already registered and want to confirm your registration, go to the IEC’s website for more information. Its really easy, I confirmed my registration via SMS.

Posted in Questions About Infertility

I Learned Something Today

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I learned something profound today, I learned something I thought I always knew, but in hind sight, I never really understood till today. I learned that God truly does not give us more than what we can cope with. That every single one of us are on a journey and there are going to be times when that journey is going to be so unbelievabley painful that our knees will buckle and we will want to quit, but some how, some way we will go on. We’ll be able to look at others on their journey’s and thank God for our own personal hardships which will pale in comparison to the hardships of the people who will touch our lives.

I always knew all of that, I just never really fully understood what that meant till today. Today I made a new friend, today, my new friend said something that at first shocked me, but as it sunk in, brought me to this profound realization. My new friend came into my life via my blog, a random commentor, a commentor who’s blog I chose to visit and respond to. We engaged in a “conversation”, she told me about her daughter, Bianca, who has Leukemia, I told her about my battle with infertility and this is how she responded:

And even though our journey is tough, it seems manageable and not nearly as hard or challenging as the one you are walking. I cannot even begin to imagine and it seems so very unfair.

I was completley gobsmacked. How can that be? How could my 6 years and 6 miscarriages possibly compare with watching your young child fight Leukemia? In my mind, that must be the worst kind of hell but I guess in her mind my story must be some kind of hell. Its then that I finally understood that God will only give us what we can cope with.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not trivializing any of this. I’m not saying its fun or easy, but my personal situation is managable for me, as is her’s for her and as is everybody’s own set of personal hardships. So I guess that confirms what I’ve always believed, there is a reason why I was picked for this specific hardship, there is a reason each one of us is handpicked.

Do I like my infertility? Hell no. Do I want it to end? Hell yes! Do I dream about what it must be like? Seeing a heart beat on a scan? Buying baby clothes, feeling a baby move in my pregnant belly, seeing my husband touch my pregnant belly, seeing our baby being born, smelling my baby. I dream of and yearn for all of those things but in the midst of the yearing, heart ache and pain, I’m also capable of being happy and living a full life. I would imagine that the same is true for Lea and Bianca, I bet Lea wishes Bianca’s illness and treatment could end, I bet she wishes she could see her beautiful little girl running arond doing all the things little girls should be doing, I bet she doesn’t have to watch has her precious child has to endure one more procedure. But I bet there are times that are filled with laughter and happiness amongst all the pain as well.

We all have hardships to endure but I guess ours are chosen for us to ensure that we are able to endure them, but that doesn’t mean we have to like them.