responsible parenting | The Blessed Barrenness

Raising MY Little Girl To Be MORE…

The opinions expressed below are mine and they are exactly that, opinions, based on my views, my truth and by no means fact.

I want to add my voice to the debate that has been on going in blogland and the twitterverse over the last few days regarding Pamper Parties. However, the views I’m expressing below are based on the bigger picture and are not directly aimed solely at Pamper Parties but rather at the sexualization of little girls and how we’re raising our daughters.

You can read two opposing viewpoints on Pamper Parties here:

I’m inclined to agree with the views expressed in the first written piece against Pamper Parties and it’s not so much because of the Pamper Parties but rather the messages that such young girls are being bombarded with from such a young age. I think the issue at hand is far bigger than a pamper party but rather the sexualization and objectification of women and girls.

I’m totally against (for my own child) raising her in a way that she learns that being a spoiled, self-indulged, superficial, vain little madam are desirable qualities in a girl. Do Pamper Parties teach her that? In my opinion yes, because of the messages they send. That she is no more than how she looks and how she presents herself. Is this in any different to playing dress up and trying on my shoes or sneaking off to play in her room with my make up bag? Yes, in my opinion it is. One is clearly a child playing, the other is a child simulating adulthood and bringing Ava safely into adulthood is something I don’t want to rush. She has plenty of time to become a grown up, she has many years ahead of her to be encouraged to grow up and it’s not something I want to do prematurely.

She is only allowed to watch age appropriate TV and movies. This is something both Walter and I feel strongly about and is not something that will change any time soon. I don’t want my 10 year old being exposed to 18 rated movies, games, music.

We only listen to age appropriate music as a family, I don’t want her being exposed to the sexually explicit lyrics/profanity contained in so much of our popular music that so often lends to the idea that a woman is only an object of sexual desire.

I won’t be taking her to a Lady Gaga concert or allowing her to watch age restricted movies or attend pamper parties until I deem her old enough and emotionally mature enough to deal with the content and messages behind such activities. Will she like me because of the choices I make for her? At times, probably not. But parenting is not about winning a popularity content and my responsibility is to raise her to be an independent, strong minded adult with a strong moral compass and I feel I would be failing her if I allowed her do to/see/dress/say as her friends do. As my own mother would say: If you friends jumped in a fire, would you jump in to?

I feel as a society, we’ve lived so long with the objectification and sexualization of women and girls that sometimes the lines blur and it’s hard to judge what will send a good positive message and what won’t or to weed out what are suitable, age appropriate messages and what is not.

As mothers of girls, we all agree that this is not a suitable image or roll model for our daughters:

And we’re all quick to express our opinions and our distaste for such images and the shows that promote these values in little girls and yet, in our own lives, our daughters are bombarded with equally damaging, if not as blatantly obvious images & messages of how young girls should be. Visit the kids clothing store and the little girls area’s contain off the shoulder tops, one shouldered outfits, minidress’s and padded bra’s all for children under the age of 10!

Granted Pamper Parties, Hanna Montana and the like are not as obvious but at the end of the day, the message that they are sending our little girls is that she has to conform and has to look a certain way in order to be of value and to gain popularity.

Granted, as parents, we will never be able to control everything that our children are exposed to, but in the area’s that we do have control, we need to be establishing strong moral compasses and strong values and sense of self that are not based purely on how our daughters look.

I read a brilliant article recently on way’s we’re holding girls back and so much of it rung true for me. Most especially how we raise our daughters to believe that they are/have to be/need to be pretty to the exclusion of all else.

And it’s for that reason that I’m against Pamper Parties and the like. Because I don’t want to raise Ava to believe that the only expectation of her in life is the way she looks and how she presents herself. Of course raising her not to believe these things means that I will also have to take a long hard look at myself and the messages she gets from me and how I present myself as a woman.

But at the end of the day I’m learning that parenting is a hard job and it’s not written in stone. There is no right or wrong way, there no manual on how to raise the perfect child. The boundaries, opinions and objectives I have today could change tomorrow.

I still haven’t been able to completely and clearly articulate exactly why I feel the way I do about the sexualization and objectification of little girls, I just know that I am, for now, 100% against it, whether I’m right or wrong still remains to be seen….

Posted in Parenting

Shaping My Child Through My Own Insecurities

Comments:14 Comments

I’m often struck by how much raising my daughter takes me back to my own childhood, to happy memories but also to some of my own insecurities. This week I was reminded more about my own insecurities and I’ve thought a lot about how I can shield Ava from hurt and from developing the same insecurities that I had as a child.

I’ve blogged about this before, but as a young child, I was deathly shy, a real wall flower! Add to that, I was always the tallest in my class and lanky, all uncoordinated limbs, freckles and the personality of a frightened mouse and it will come as no surprise to know that as a young child, I was anything but popular. I had one or two little friends and I hated everything about school, it made me scared and anxious and my mother still has flashbacks of dropping me at school and being able to hear me screaming, pleading and begging: “Mommy don’t leave me!”

My worst nightmare in the early years of my schooling were birthday parties and the handing out of party invites. The child who had party invites would be called to the front of the class with her pile of party invitations, she’d stand proudly next to the teacher, who would read out the names on the envelopes from the pile of invitations and one by one the honoured guests would be called to the front of the class to fetch their prized party invite. There were always a couple of girls not included in the party and I was almost always one of them. I hated how it made me feel. I hated how rejected it made me feel. I hated knowing that I wasn’t wanted at a classmates party, that I wasn’t pretty enough, fun enough, cool enough or smart enough to cop an invite.

I hated it. I hated how rejected, stupid and humiliated it made me feel. Now as an adult, I see the damage it it to me as a person, how that experience played a role in shaping who I am as an adult. The insecurities I have now as an adult. How I question myself now as an adult, how I feel rejected by friendships now as an adult. How I second guess myself as a valued friend, or how I worry about what others thing/say/feel about me.

I appreciate more and more each day, the more experienced I become as a mother, how everything we learn as children, everything we say to our children, every direct and indirect message we receive as children will shape who we are and how we operate as adults.

I am so determined, as a mother, to try and shield Ava from as many negative influences as I can. I am concious of and working constantly at helping to shape her into a confident adult.

This week there were party invites handed out in her class and she did not get one! She’s still young and will hopefully not be aware of this, but hearing about it, brought back so many of my own insecurities and unpleasant memories of my own childhood, sitting in class, watching everyone proudly going up, hugging and grabbing their party invites and knowing there probably wouldn’t be one for me.

God, parenting is hard, there are so many ways to fail and while I know it is inevitable, I don’t want to see Ava hurt. Knowing that she already has additional issues to deal with, being adopted and the questions that will raise, I don’t want her burdened with issues of self worth & rejection.

Sometimes I wish I could shield her from the world.

Posted in motherhood • Parenting

Learning How To Be A Cool Cat & Not A Stressed Out Mama!

Comments:18 Comments

It was the 16th December 2009, 3 days after Ava was born, when IT happened. When I realized I balanced precariously on the balance board of being a concerned mother versus a paranoid mom. We’d woke up early that morning as we had our flight back to Jozi later that morning. Ava was sleeping and I’d packed up all our stuff and was getting ready to go to the airport. I decided to top and tail Ava and change her before flying home. What I found in her nappy frightened the living crapsticks out of me. Yellow, mushy, smushy, stinky, squidgy poo complete with a long strand of mucus which appeared to be coming out of her donsie!

PANIC STATIONS!

In the car, hazard’s flashing, high tail it to Constantiaberg Medi Clinic!

Finally get to see the pediatrician on call…..

She casually strolls in, opens Ava’s nappy, looks at us, smiles and says:

“Oh my… you really are new parents aren’t you?!”

*confused*

So it turns out that what we had assumed was some horrible form of diarrhea that was bound to cause dehydration and hospitalization was in fact….. her first normal poo after passing the Meconium! (this is what happens when you have a 6 day pregnancy! Totally CLUELESS!)

Since then I’ve had to work hard at not being an overly neurotic mother and trust me, when you’re a naturally anxious person, finding the balance between being neurotic and caring for ones child can be really quite hard.

So last night when Walter called me to come and look at the rash on Ava’s back, I tried not to panic. I casually inspected her spotty back and noticed that it is also on her stomach.

Naturally my first thought is German Measles! But I’m trying to tell myself that I’m being ridiculous! Her vaccinations are all up to date and she does not appear to be ill, be out of sorts or have even a hint of fever. I did of course rewash all of he new spencers in case it’s that that is causing this reaction but as you can imagine, I am a little concerned and wandering what has caused the rash!

Instead, I’m going to try and distract myself with these gorgeous photo’s of my beautiful girl.

We’re going through a phase where she copies EVERYTHING I do, hence this photo!

So are you a paranoid mama or a real cool cat? Sometimes I feel very foolish about the conclusions I jump to and the things I worry about! So make me feel better… pahleeeze?

Posted in Mindful Meanderings • Uncategorized

Walter’s Take On It All

Comments:12 Comments

I was telling Walter about my blog posting re. our indecision on whether to push ahead with a second child or not and how some of the comments made were almost hurtful & offensive in away, I felt that my morals and values were being questioned and judged because I wanted only the best for my child. His response was one I had not thought about, he reminded me of how he grew up and of how he would never want that for Ava.

While I grew up privileged, and would just like to add that children who grow up this way will often also have good values and morals and life skills, at least I consider myself to be a person of high moral standing, with good values and great life skills, Walter had the completely opposite experience and yet we share the same standards and morals.

I had a life of luxury, of privilege, of stability, I attended one school, from junior all the way through to matric, I went on numerous overseas holidays and got to see and experience the world, I was given a car for my 18th birthday, my parents are still happily married today, almost 42 years later, I had wonderful examples of good, moral, just and upstanding citizens in both my parents. Walters Mom was 17 when she gave birth to him, his parents divorced when he was very young, he’s been the man in the house of a single mother from the time he was a young boy, he has had to move schools on numerous occasions, has had to work for extra money from a young age to help with household responsibilities, has had to quit his studies and go into the work force with no tertiary education to try to help out. He could never enjoy any of the things his friends enjoyed because of the financial constraints of his family’s situation. The effects of his childhood and of having to “go without” have been far-reaching. He managed to claw his way out of that situation, but it was hard. Growing up a teenager under those circumstances was hard for him. It is not something he remembers fondly.

We both agree, we do not choose the hard path for Ava. We choose a life of opportunity for her and while we choose those things, there is still no reason why she cannot be raised learning good life skills, good values and good morals.

Walter is a perfect example of a parent striving to ensure his child has better (again, this is not just based on material things but abstract things as well) than he ever did and I think that’s wonderful, I think that makes him a responsible, thoughtful and loving parent.

Posted in Mindful Meanderings • Uncategorized

In My Opinion…..

Comments:18 Comments

Do you watch The Good Wife (MNet Monday Nights @ 20h30)? I do, I watch it On Demand on a Tuesday, cos I can’t miss my weekly dose of hot – The Vampire Diaries. So this weeks episode of The Good Wife saw Will defending another lawyer in Federal Court. The judge was a bit of a stickler for the rules, she insisted that every time Will got up to argue that he end his argument with: “In my opinion”. Will couldn’t see the point, he felt that as it was his argument that it should be fairly clear that it was his opinion, however, the judge disagreed and required him to make that statement after each argument.

I’m starting to think that we need to do the same in blog land. I think every time I write a post about my parenting choices and parenting styles for my daughter that I should end each blog posting with: “in my opinion” and I think when we leave comments on each others blogs we should do the same, we should end our comments with “in my opinion”.

The one thing about becoming a mother that has really surprised me is just how judgmental the parenting fraternity would be. Opinions, and note this is my opinion, on a wide range of subject are peddled as fact, when they are in fact a matter of personal opinion.

Everything from the pro’s and con’s of one, two, or three children, middle child syndrome, private schools versus government schools, how many toys are too many toys, if one is going to have a second child, when to start trying, too early to start trying blah blah blah….

Of course, we blog to engage in conversation and debate, but at times, the conversations feel a bit like judgments. There are some parenting blogs out there that I no longer comment on purely for this reason and there are times when I feel that the choices I’ve made for my child are judged as well.

At the end of the day, in my opinion, the important thing to remember is that each of us is doing what we think is best for our child, after all, isn’t that what every parent wants? And, again, in my opinion, if the attempt is to do the best for our child, then why the judgment? Parenting doesn’t come with a manual and while there are a million books out there on what to do and what not to do, for every pro there is always a con and for every study proving something, there’s another one contradicting it. This applies to the pro’s and con’s of giving your children toys, choosing their schooling, when to allow them to start school, one child versus multiple children, large age gaps versus small age gaps.

Each to his own right?

Again, this is just my opinion!

Posted in Mindful Meanderings

Indecision…..

Comments:33 Comments

Before we had Ava, I could never have imagined that I’d feel this way…. so undecided on the way forward. I always thought I knew, but then I guess its easy to say what we’d do or how we’d act or what choices we’d make, until we’re in that situation. I was in an abusive marriage, before that, I was very opinionated on abused woman, but then when I got in the situation I realized it wasn’t so easy to make all the choices I always thought I’d make, prior to the abuse. I’ve realized, the same thing applies to becoming a parent. It was so easy for me to be opinionated on what I would and wouldn’t do as a parent, prior to actually becoming one, I actually was pretty clueless before and I have to smile at myself when I think of some of the opinions I had prior to Ava.

Before having Ava, before realizing we were infertile, I always wanted two children. Then as we traveled further and further down our infertility journey, that changed and I started to feel that one child would be enough for me. As much as I’d love a second one, if one was what was on the cards, then so be it. Then Ava came along and, those of you who’ve been there will relate, we went through those first few weeks of having a new-born, and it was the hardest thing I’d ever done, I was a mess emotionally, I was so conflicted and the sleep deprivation, oh the sleep deprivation, nothing quite prepares you for that. It was during this phase that I decided I simply could never go through that again and there was no way in hell that we were having another baby.

Of course, the new-born phase does end, while you’re in it, you think it never will, but some how you do get through it and we have been blessed with one of those babies that makes parenting look easy and feel easy, she eats, she sleeps, she smiles, she giggles, she is simply a breeze and slowly slowly the thoughts of baby no. 2 started creeping in. And the plans that go along with that.

Well last week, I came back to reality with a hard bump! We love Ava, we want the very very very best for her. Second best will simply not be good enough. I want her to have every opportunity in life. I want her to have the childhood I had. A very privileged one, complete with the best education, the opportunity to a tertiary education, numerous overseas vacations and a car for her 18th birthday. I believe every parent wants the best for their child, I believe ever parent wants to give their child better than what they had. In my case, that will be very hard to do, but I strive to give her what I had growing up.

So, in light of that, after much research, this week, Walter and I contacted the private school we want her to attend and boy did my bubble pop with a very loud bang when we got the registration forms. The first shock came when we were informed that we needed to pay the R5 000 admission within the next 3 months to ensure they had a place for Ava. They are fully fully fully booked with long waiting lists for babies born from every year except 2009 (to start Grade 000 in 2013).

What bought me back to reality was seeing the school fees:

Pre-Primary – Grade 000 – 00 – 0: R2’980-00 a month

Junior Primary – Grade 1 – 3: R3’495-00 a month

Senior Primary – Grade 4 – : R4’480-00 a month

Junior Secondary – Grade 8 – 9: R5’100-00 a month

Senior Secondary – Grade 10 – 12: R5’355-00 a month

Obviously, these also go up annually, so I shudder to think what the fee’s will be when Ava reaches Grade 12?! So the reality of the situation is, as things stand now, we simply cannot afford to put two children through private schooling and see to all the extra mural activities and all the other things that go along with giving Ava a childhood that’s anything like what I had. And while some think that we should just not worry about it and throw ourselves into having number 2, that just does not sit well with me. This is a big responsibility, neither Walter nor I are comfortable with just not worrying about, it feels irresponsible to simply have no. 2 without being absolutely certain of the way forward. While my SIL and her boyfriend are of the opinion that all a child needs is love and so they continue to pop babies despite being unable to see to their needs, I do not want to be that type of parent. And while I have no doubt that we could, if we lowered some of the standards we’ve set for ourselves and Ava, have a second child, I’m simply not certain I am prepared to do that.

So for now, we will be registering Ava at her school and paying the R5’000 fee, we have also started saving money for her first overseas vacation… to Disney World! And we’ll see if time changes our minds at all.