A Day In Heaven

Aside from being at times loud and disorderly, all brought on by the volume of champers consumed, we had a blast yesterday, just what the Dr ordered. I must be honest and say, that it was a stark realization for me of two things.

Firstly that I’m still not back to my old self, although the AD’s have helped clear my mind and stopped the incessant crying, I am still extremely tense and anxious. And the second thing is just how stressed out and anxious I am. I had anxiety almost constantly through out the entire day and my back and neck are so tight and full of knots it was almost impossible for the therapists to massage me as their hands and would slip and they were unable to get a proper grip on my back and neck because of the knots and spasms. I kept having to remind myself to relax the entire day as I’d find myself lying there with an anxiety knot building in my stomach and my entire body tensed. Relaxing was a conscious decision and I had to constantly remind myself to relax my body and try and unwind.

Today, I feel extremely tender and sore, I actually woke up in the night because my back feels bruised from all the attempts and soothing the knots and spasms in my back.

A day spent with, as W refers to them, my Soul Sisters, has left me with one HUGE question mark in my mind, Do I really want to continue on this journey??

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6 Comments

  • Reply Lea White

    And you’ll find the answer when you are ready!

    I’m so glad you had a relaxing weekend!

    April 20, 2009 at 9:17 am
  • Reply Tam

    It was absolutely awesome wasn’t it??? I’m also feeling a bit tender today but it was so worth it. I Suprisingly don’t even have a champers hangover 🙂

    I’m sorry that you’re still battling but it does get better, each day that passes helps us feel slightly better but it really does take time. I’m sorry if being with us and talking infertility so much has made you start thinking about whether to carry on or not, the sad thing about all of this is that it’s such a personal lonely journey, no matter how many soul sisters you have struggling thru this with you, only you can decide when it’s time to stop. I hope you find peace soon Shaz, with whatever it is you decide.

    Big hugs always xxx

    April 20, 2009 at 10:05 am
  • Reply Hela

    I’m happy that you all had a blast! No one expects you to be yourself yet or to make big decisions regarding CTC or TTC yet. As Lea said, it’ll come to you when you’re ready.

    We’re all still thinking of you and hoping you find that calm and peace.

    April 20, 2009 at 11:56 am
  • Reply Kristin

    I’m glad you had a wonderful day and hope you come to a decision that leaves you with a peaceful heart and mind. {{{Hugs}}} and good luck.

    April 20, 2009 at 12:18 pm
  • Reply Sandy

    Hi Sharon,

    The image I had when I was contemplating giving up ttc or not was being on a beach and there was an ocean. At first, the ocean looked scary and uninviting, there was absolutely no temptation to go dip my toes into it. Then, at times, I would notice that I wanted to run up to it and jump in, but it was just a feeling and I wasn’t really tempted to act on it. Eventually, the heat from the beach was so strong that I got to where I would go up and touch a toe into it but then run away from it as quick as I can. Shortly after that I would walk to a point where the waves were gently lapping at my ankles but would recede so I’d be more than 75% of the time out of the water. But the water felt nice and not so scary and after a while I plunged in and found to my surprise that on the other side was another land, which wasn’t better than what I had left, just different, and also an OK place to be. The things that are good about it are just different from the things on the other side and conversely, it also has its disadvantages, but they’re different, too.

    But no different than an ocean, you can go as far into your deciding to not to continue ttc as you want. And even if you decide to jump fully in it doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind and get back out whenever you want to. Heck, you can even swim all the way over to the other land and still swim back.

    Know that I (and others, I suspect) will be in the shallows and the deeps and will hold your hand or swim with you and be a gentle presence as you wrestle with your emotions. We’ll also help push you back onto dry land when you need it if that’s your desire. There’s no rush to fully immerse yourself, but at the same time, if you absolutely need to, you’re more than welcome to plunge in and dance right out again.

    Hugs,

    Sandy

    April 20, 2009 at 12:22 pm
  • Reply Elize

    Ouch! Sounds sore! It’s a very difficult decision to make Shaz and you will only truly know if you want to continue with the journey when you answer your question with a definite answer. The day you know without a shadow of doubt that you want to stop, that’s the day when you will start dipping your feet into the ocean. In my opinion that is. As Sandy said, we will be there for you holding your hands, and we’ll also be there for you when you try again, and we’ll be there for you when you succeed or fail, but I’m hoping you’ll succeed.

    April 21, 2009 at 6:51 am
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