A Little Bit Of This… A Little Bit Of That…

Firstly, have you noticed the new button up on my blog? Over there on the right? The one about Blogging With Integrity? I stumbled across that on Coach Marcia’s blog yesterday and just loved the pledge when I headed over to the site to find out what it was all about.  So I’ve signed the pledge and am sharing the button and I’d urge all of you who have blogs or participate in blogs to do the same. Too often blogs land up getting used as tools to cause hurt or fulfill personal vendetta’s, posts full of name calling and plain and simple spitefulness. I HATE it. I’ve been a target of such blogs and have seen others fall victim to such spiteful and vindictive behavior. In my personal opinion, it’s so childish and those that participate in that type of behavior lower themselves to nothing more than school yard bullies.

Right, climbing off my soap box and moving along….

I wanted to say a little bit more about my Surviving The Fall Out post.

First off, thank you so much to everyone for the supportive comments. I was really nervous about that posting. I was afraid of judgment, I was afraid of appearing weak because I had a less than perfect life. I was afraid of coming across as ungrateful because perhaps I should just shut up because, you know, I have a baby and all. It really helped to know that infertility or not, this is not a unique problem, I guess the old cliché is true, babies don’t fix marriages! If you don’t have a marriage built on a strong foundation you probably won’t make it through the storm of a new-born!

I think that what made is harder to own up to is that I’ve felt a lot of pressure from all angles, to be blissfully happy, because, you know, I have a baby and all. Six months down the drag and people still look at me with a twinkle in their eyes and say: “Hows it going MOMMY?”. Oh the pressure! To which I always meekly reply: “Its wonderful!” And of course, it is wonderful, especially now that the 1st three months are behind us. But it’s also at times, bloody awful. Its like the best and the worst thing all rolled into one. Does that make any sense???

I wish that more people would own up to how hard this is on a marriage, perhaps then it wouldn’t come as such a shock to all of us when it happens to us. Your comments and support really helped make both Walter and I feel like our situation wasn’t unique, that what we were going through was perfectly normal and that with a bit of effort and weathering the storm, we’d be ok. Just like I wish more women would be open and honest and tell expectant Mom’s and Mom’s-in-waiting just how bloody awful those first few weeks and months are. Not that you can ever be prepared for just how hard those first few weeks are, but still, if I’d heard more mom’s say how tough it was for them, I wouldn’t have felt like such a complete failure as a mother, a worthless, useless wannabe mother.

So as part of our plan, Walter and I have decided to start going out, even if it’s just once a month for now, without Ava. We’ve done this exactly ONCE since Ava was born, 6 months ago! We were on holiday in Cape Town and my Dad gave us tickets to his corporate box at Newlands to watch the Stormers in a Super 14 game. My Mom stayed at home to care for Ava and it turned out to be a perfectly shit evening! That was still back in the new-born days, Ava was 8 weeks old, we were both still in a stunned shock over finding ourselves parents, we were tired, we’d just come through the extremely stressful 60 day period, our nerves were shot and the friendship part of our relationship was at an all time low. We had a HUGE argument about 10 minutes after arriving at the box and spent the rest of the evening avoiding each other – lovely!

Of course, you know how hard it is to trust someone with the care of your baby and to be honest, I only trust my Mom and Loveness. So Walters company is having a Christmas In July party next Friday. Initially we were going to not go, then we decided, actually we should go and (I know I know totally OTT) we were going to FLY my Mom up for a day to baby sit but when we saw the ticket would cost R2 000 we thought better of it. Well this morning, after walking into the kitchen holding Ava, having her start giggling and smiling when she saw Loveness and then launching herself into Loveness’s arms, putting her tiny hands around Loveness’ face and burying her face in Loveness’s neck, I realized how lucky we are to have someone who loves Ava as much as we do but who respects me as Ava’s mother and does things my way. So after a chat, Loveness has told me that she adores Ava and that she will gladly baby sit for us, for R200 an evening, we’ll buy her dinner and we’ll get her a Safety Cab to take her home. So yay! We will now start going out once a month, just the two of us as Loveness has indicated she’d even be happy to do this for us every weekend!!!

Love that woman, God knows, half the reason we have it so easy is because of her. She’s been a blessing and a gift and has given me such peace about going back to work.

Sorry for the all-over-the-place post. But just wanted to share some thoughts!

June 23, 2010
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25 Comments

  • Reply Zeu

    Good for you !
    Taking charge, and making your relationship with Walter also a priority!

    Hope you have a stunning time!
    D

    June 23, 2010 at 9:47 am
  • Reply ttcnot2easy

    I enjoyed this post – and agree with you that the first bit of motherhood should come with a warning! NOT that I know.. but my friends have all said that very thing over and over.
    What a great idea to have Loveness babysit! And date night is always great to do – and something to look forward to each time. I take my hat off to you for making the decision to do so, as I have seen too many couples drift apart because of lack / loss of affection. It appears that sometimes one can very easily forget about that connection that you once had (and loved!) as a couple.

    June 23, 2010 at 9:51 am
  • Reply lisab809

    This post really struck a cord with me. I must say that I have also found being a mom the worst and best thing all rolled into one and having someone else voice that really makes me feel better. I am so glad you and Walter are going to do a date night once a month. I think it will really help you both rekindle the love and friendship.

    June 23, 2010 at 9:58 am
  • Reply aussiekim

    How blessed are you Sharon to have Loveness with her warm, kind and gentle heart caring for your little family~!

    Enjoy your nights out, make sure you take some pamper time for self prior to leaving so as to set the mood for a great night out!

    Squishy hugs

    Kim
    xxx

    June 23, 2010 at 10:02 am
  • Reply orbit365

    Date nights are TEH AWESOME!

    Enjoy it. It does make life a lot easier if you are happy with your babysitting arrangement. And yes, I wish other parents would talk about the strain that a new baby can place on a relationship..x

    Julia

    June 23, 2010 at 10:06 am
  • Reply lea2109

    I wanted to reply on your other post, but you know – chickenpox… (no need to say more) 🙂 I was going to reply with this huge essay-like comment, but decided I would just keep it short and sweet: I think what you are feeling is normal and I admire you for having the honesty to admit it and to find a way through! I think that is amazing.

    I admire you for making an active start to finding “you-time” again and I think having Loveness – somebody you trust and who Ava loves and trusts helping you with babysitting is an amazing idea. I so get the whole trust thing.

    When Bianca was at her daycare from 4 months she became really attached to a girl named Sylvia, to the point where Sylvia couldn’t even leave the room or Bianca would cry, well Sylvia came to our home to help with babysitting and that night she slept in Bianca’s room on a mattress – what a huge amount of help!

    June 23, 2010 at 10:43 am
  • Reply elna3

    I so agree with you -nobody talks about these things and therefor you think you are alone. If they can all have babies, be blissfully happily married -what is wrong with you?? We have also started going out once a month(we treat it like a date), which really is great. we have to actually spend a whole evening talking to each other, which is great. Go for it Sharon.

    June 23, 2010 at 10:50 am
  • Reply holland713

    Hi Sharon,
    Firstly apologies for not commenting – I would love to continue to read your blog and I will be more active. Your honesty is profound and has really touched me. I think having a date night with Walter once a month is a perfect thing to do – having a baby is stressful, but becoming a Mom in three weeks is even more stressful and can indeed place a huge strain on a relationship. I was in a similar situation – we became parents in 5 days – and suddenly we had this little baby in our home and the stress almost broke our marriage apart. Luckily you have realized this now, so you can work on it and it sounds as though both you and Walter will get through this tough time. I am thinking of you both and your gorgeous little girl. She really makes me smile.

    June 23, 2010 at 10:51 am
  • Reply hcouperus

    Would Loveness come to NZ to babysit? Can’t pay much sorry but would provide lodge and boarding? 🙂 (Good on you for having special couple time!) I’ll forward you Albert’s tweet on coupletime by miss 2!)

    June 23, 2010 at 10:55 am
  • Reply trishdg

    Yay for date night and Loveness – it is a great idea. We have a live in nanny who is always keen to make some extra money and babysit and this weekend my mom is babysitting so we can go away for the weekend. With a bit of extra planning and um cash you can get your social life back!
    Yes babies and children are hard work and wonderful and did I mention HARD WORK and I wish someone had told me how hard it would be.

    June 23, 2010 at 11:02 am
  • Reply theresak80

    I also wanted to reply on your other post, but never got round to it :-
    We are still in the trenches of infertility and therefore in major survival mode without (like you say) even realizing it. Your post really made me think about our relationship and how we communicate.
    We don’t talk about the infertility thing anymore, because really, after 5 years, what would be left to discuss, but maybe it’s worth a try. Thanks for making me realize some very important things.

    June 23, 2010 at 12:56 pm
  • Reply suecreativity01

    I get what u say 100% – and yes would also consider flying mum in for babysitting as needed!!

    June 23, 2010 at 1:45 pm
  • Reply coachmarcia

    Fantastic idea! We got V in to babysit for the Elton John concert and D took her home afterwards and it was wonderful being young(ish) and out and about again.

    And thanks for the shout-out – that badge spoke to me because I’m all about authenticity and honesty… and telling it like it is LOL And yes, one day K and I are going to write a book on the lies people tell (how easy it is to get pregnant and how “blissful” motherhood is)

    June 23, 2010 at 2:16 pm
  • Reply coachmarcia

    P.S. K is Kirsten 🙂

    June 23, 2010 at 2:17 pm
  • Reply ksmind

    Great post (and not so all over the place)! I would not have a life (nor a marriage) if it wasn’t for our Gogo.. its one of the real blessings of living in SA (and we always need to be counting those!) I could say another gazillion things about kids and marriage.. but.. I need to go so short post still = long hugs 😉 xxx

    June 23, 2010 at 2:44 pm
  • Reply fionads

    We also use our domestic at least once a month to babysit for us too. Date nights are very…VERY important! Whenever I think differently I always try and remember my husband was with me before having children and once they grow up and leave the house he’ll be the man I have to spend the rest of my life with too ~ it’s very important to nurture your marriage. For you and for your daughter 🙂

    June 23, 2010 at 3:21 pm
  • Reply niseysmusings

    Sharon, you are doing the right thing! The best thing you can do for ava is to be happy in your marriage. Flying your mom out isn’t really a long term solution 😉 so i’m really pleased that loveness has stepped in to help you.
    Our babysitter onSunday was R600 because we were at the football then out afterwards but its worth every penny when you consider how easy it is to drift apart from each other when you have kids…
    Well done!

    June 23, 2010 at 4:23 pm
  • Reply bethjane

    Very important to do what you are doing. I see it now, as my two are so much older and independant. They certainly don’t want to spend all their time with their boring parents, and we have to know how to enjoy each other without kids around to keep us busy.

    If you haven’t made an effort to keep connected with each other, it must be very easy to not know each other when the kids eventualy leave home!

    June 23, 2010 at 4:32 pm
  • Reply hanneke001

    So nice to hear that you will be having some “couple time”, thank goodness for wonderfull people like Loveness, now you can have a good time, and not stress wether Ava is in good hands, you know she will be !! Enjoy every minute of it !!!! xoxoxo

    June 23, 2010 at 6:12 pm
  • Reply taryn29

    Shaz, what a stunning post, so true and straight from the heart. Well done for setting a monthly date night, Rob and I have started it too. It is so easy to forget about eachother when your LO (that you have waited for for sooooooooooo long) arrives.

    ENJOY!!! YOU DESERVE IT!!!

    June 23, 2010 at 7:50 pm
  • Reply pandoragelb

    I also feel the pressure! It’s as if everyone thinks ‘Well, you really wanted this baby so stop moaning and enjoy it!!’ I must say, we have had such an easy baby when it comes to sleeping and eating, but even one disturbed night gets to me. I am not as young as I used to be!!! And when they can walk, it is a whole different ballgame. So brace yourself! They become constant HARD WORK!!! I am exhausted every day, and sometimes I feel like she has 8 arms, all trying to grab something she shouldn’t be touching. She is on turbo boost from the minute she wakes up till she conks out after her bottle at night, with a short sleep to recharge. (Luckily I get to go to work to rest every day!) But despite this, I love it, she is so much fun, and so cute and adorable. I wouldn’t change anything about her. DH and I think everything she does is amazing, and she makes us laugh all the time.
    Luckily my In-laws feel the same about her, they are our baby sitters of choice. Have not left her with anyone else, except at creche of course. But time on our own is great, and sleeping in past 5.30 even better!! (she stays over with them too)So I agree, people are not honest, even about things like pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. Always only talk about the good, not the difficult parts, so others then feel inadequate when it is not all good for them! Have not been there myself, obviously, but I have a few very honest friends and sisters, to the point of TMI!!
    So your post makes sense, and don’t feel bad, if someone asks how’s it going, be honest, and tell them you had a crap night, etc. Maybe they won’t ask again!

    June 23, 2010 at 9:07 pm
  • Reply anynamesavailable

    I second hcouperus can loveness come to NZ!! yay for you going out is soooo important! I wish we could find someone we trusted completely with H so we could go out too!!

    June 23, 2010 at 9:21 pm
  • Reply mayflowerladybugs

    Better late than never…
    We also have date nights, and they are the best! Sometimes I even go out at night to assist A in surgery, just to spend some time with him – it is almost more difficult to get him alone than it is to get a babysitter! Like you I only have my mom and Thuli that I could possibly leave the girls with and my mom is nervous about being left with the twins for any amount of time so it is a problem, but it has to work! Luckily as they get older it gets easier. sometimes I think ahead to a time, and it will come, when the girls will leave the house and it will only be us two again. Tha is both scary and exciting. And yes I have to agree, the first while with babies is unbelievably tough, and I wish someone had told me that too, before D was born. Hope you enjoy the party, it sounds like fun!

    June 24, 2010 at 8:29 am
  • Reply skrambled

    I think its very important to have US time. Enjoy.

    June 24, 2010 at 4:14 pm
  • Reply samcy

    Excellent plan! Now maybe you can start attending some of the night time events you’ve had to turn down in the past 😉

    xxx

    June 24, 2010 at 4:21 pm
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