I am in the process of crossing ‘over to the other side”. Its not the “other side” that we infertiles dream about, think about, pray for, when we first start out on this journey. No! That “other side” involves pregnant bellies and feeling a baby move, knowing the joy of giving birth etc etc etc. My “other side” is quite different. The dream of motherhood is still there, but its different. I am in the process of accepting that I will never know any of the things that those that cross to that “other side” know.
My crossing over is not happy, its not filled with joy and wonder and excitement and plans. Its somber and sad and difficult. Its a painful rebirth. A paradigm shift in who I am and what I stand for and all that I know. During my rebirth, my crossing over, the very people who once supported me now have the power to unintentionally hurt me. I see things a new way, a different way to them. A way that is terrifying and incomprehensible to them. It was like that for me once too. But now, not so much, its still painful, when I refer to my period of grief and mourning post miscarriage #7, I don’t just talk about grief and mourning the miscarriage, my grief and mourning incorporates the crossing over. Giving up on what I believed so strongly would happened fought so hard for for so long. I too believed like all infertiles going through treatment that it absolutely would happen. I too had peace that one day sooner or later a treatment would work that would result in a baby. I believed with all my heart that when I got pregnant from the FET that everything would be fine but it wasn’t! I cringe now when I hear those words spoken, so flip, everything will be fine because sometimes it just isn’t!
Its painful for me to read infertility blogs and postings about how if we try hard enough, try enough times, we will succeed. Its like saying I didn’t want it enough, I didn’t try hard enough, I didn’t give it my best shot. Those sentiments hurt even though I know its not intended to. Even though I know its every infertile out there going through her umpteenth IVF mantra to keep going, to have hope, to be able to face another round of painful treatment. For those of us who have crossed over to the “other side” the side that infertiles fear the most, this sentiment hurts. It makes us feel like failures and God knows, infertility already does a pretty good job of that already.
Wiseguy quoted the words from a song that really touched me, I think it expresses exactly what myself and so many other infertiles who have “crossed over” to this side feel:
‘Itna tadpe ki pyaas bhi na rahi’ – ”I anguished over it so much, that the thirst died’