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A Real Friend

After what transpired this weekend and over the past few months I’ve been forced to take stock of my friendships. Of which ones are for a reason, or a season (of which there are many) and which ones are for a lifetime. I walk away from my infertility journey with a large number of acquaintances, a large number of reason or season friends and a couple of lifetime friends, these are the ones I cherish the most.

The irony is that these lifetime friends, who I met on my infertility journey, are the ones who’ve had really heart wrenching histories.  Both of them have suffered through multiple pregnancy losses, both of them have tried for a very very long time. But both of them have stood by me, they’ve encouraged me, they’ve helped me limp through the early weeks of parenthood where having a new-born was so daunting and so hard I thought were never going to make it. They were the ones who sent me little messages of encouragement and they are the ones who have been mindful of the our new circumstances.

The one couple sat us down shortly after Ava was born and told us how while they didn’t know all that was involved in being new parents, they did understand that the dynamics of our friendship and how we’d socialized in the past would have to change and that they wanted Walter and I to know that they understood that and that they wanted Walter and I to guide them through the new dynamic of our friendship. I so appreciated that, it meant so much to Walter and I. We still see these friends regularly because they’re willing to socialize in ways that do accommodate a small baby.

My other friend has not only suffered through multiple miscarriages and has been ttc’ing for more than 10 years but she has also suffered through the horror of a late-term pregnancy loss of boy/girl twins, but she has been there for me every step of the way. The day she came to meet Ava was emotional and heart wrenching in ways I had not expected. She’d peered over the edge of the cot at Ava, all of a week old,  sleeping peacefully, put her hands over her face, stumbled backwards and just sobbed. I remember so clearly, my mom was there and she’d started to cry as well and I’d thrown my arms around my friend and had begun to sob as well and all I could say was I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, in the face of her extreme pain. It meant so much to me that despite everything, she was willing to put herself directly in front of the pain for our friendship. She’s also been the friend who had, during those really tough first few weeks with a new-born, arrived unannounced at our house, with a pots of food to warm on the stove for Walter and I to eat, who’d made sure we’d eaten a warm bowl of food while she paced up and down, rocking and soothing Ava so that Walter and I could have a break.

Those two friends mean more to me today than words can ever express. They have shown in the tiniest detail how much our friendship meant, how much I meant. How I was worth more than just the support I could offer. These are the friends who I hope will still be around when we’re all old and wrinkly one day. These are the friends I hope to be sitting in the old age home with. These are the people who are worth my tears.

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22 Comments

  • Reply aussiekim

    True friends like that are worth their weight in gold :]

    August 3, 2010 at 7:41 am
  • Reply little29

    You know what Sharon? You would have done the same for them! you feel so much and they know that and that is why you will all be friends for years to come – you will each be there for the high’s and lows – and that is what true friendship is about – to feel each others pain and to celebrate in each others victory’s.

    August 3, 2010 at 7:57 am
  • Reply lisab809

    It sounds like you have amazing friends.I am sure you will all be friends for a lifetime!

    August 3, 2010 at 8:02 am
  • Reply lea2109

    They sound like amazing friends!!!

    August 3, 2010 at 8:08 am
  • Reply Nisey

    This is so true, a real friend is able to stand with you and share both your joy and your fear/anger/sadness. Despite how they are aching for themselves they are selfless enough to share in your miracle. you are a very lucky lady to have people like them in your life.

    August 3, 2010 at 8:15 am
  • Reply trishdg

    It sounds like you have some great friends and that is definitely something to hold onto. I think if we manage to have 2 or 3 really close friends in our life then we should consider ourselves fortunate. I find it difficult to let go of friendships that have run their course after investing so much precious time and care into them but you are right – sometimes we must move on and focus on the great friends we have.

    August 3, 2010 at 8:51 am
  • Reply skrambled

    Those types are friends are replaceable! It is wonderful that you have this relationship, it must be cherished.

    August 3, 2010 at 9:08 am
  • Reply skrambled

    I meant irreplaceable!!!!

    August 3, 2010 at 9:09 am
  • Reply mayflowerladybugs

    It is really lucky to find such wonderful friends! Like you say, friends for a lifetime!

    August 3, 2010 at 9:12 am
  • Reply wheresmybun

    It sounds like you had an awful weekend! True friends are hard to find, I cherish mine like diamonds. There’s nothing better on earth than feeling loved and cherished and there’s nothing worse than feeling rejected. The pain of rejection takes a long time to recover. (((HUGS)))

    August 3, 2010 at 10:00 am
  • Reply Me

    You’re so lucky to have such friends Shaz, you truly are. If our loooong ttc journey has taught me anything it’s that true friends are rare and the ones that will stick by you and be there for when you need them the absolute most are even harder to find. I haven’t been as lucky as you my friend.

    x

    August 3, 2010 at 10:46 am
  • Reply hanneke001

    I am so glad to hear that you have such great friends that you can rely on no matter what, that will be there with you though every curveball that life might throw you, enjoy and cherish them.

    August 3, 2010 at 10:50 am
  • Reply darylfaure

    Hi Sharon – just catching up on your blogs. Sorry to hear you have been having a rough time of it, but you seem to be coping well and taking stock which is always good. Treasure the friendships that have stood the test of time and hardship. They are really worth it and you are blessed to have more than one friendship of that nature. AS for the rest, let them go (easier said than done I know). I am also busy taking stock of one old friendship and wondering where to from here. We seem to have drifted apart since I have had my LB, and I miss my friend but she doesn’t seem to be keen to make the effort (well that’s my interpretation anyway).
    Anyway, you hang in there and give your gorgeous girl a big hug from me.

    August 3, 2010 at 11:18 am
  • Reply vroutjie

    Beautiful blog! True friends remain and new friends wil come!

    August 3, 2010 at 12:53 pm
  • Reply jonivdw

    Lovely lovely blog and I’m sorry you’ve had another tough week! I’m glad you’ve got people you can count on! I really believe it is very very important and please don’t let your toxic friends upset you too much! They’re soo not worth it!

    August 3, 2010 at 1:22 pm
  • Reply thebsdiaries

    Frankly I have never understood the bitterness of the IF community. Surely we should all rejoice in a baby even if we don’t have one ourselves. As hard as it is. So my respect goes to your friend who faced Ava, cried, but still did it. Now that is class. As for friends, it is every life change that brings out the truth in some people. The night I found out about my husband’s affair, I went to my very best friends’ house. I think I have spoken to her twice since then and seen her only once in nine months. I guess she thinks I will be gunning for her husband now? or maybe infidelity is catching? It is sooo disappointing when you are faced with other people’s weaknesses but it is always a lesson for us in what NOT to do when our friends are in crisis! you are loved Sharon by loads and loads of women – that says a lot.

    August 3, 2010 at 2:27 pm
  • Reply orbit365

    You are lucky to have some really awesome friends. Treasure them..x

    Julia

    August 3, 2010 at 6:49 pm
  • Reply adeleida

    If there is one thing I am now so aware of, just a week and a year after my mom and dad died respectively, it is that you must treasure the things that are good in your life, every moment, be in that moment, live it, love it, drink it into your soul. And I think nothing comes close to good moments with your loved ones and your friends. Let that other cr@p from the previous post wash over you. Life’s too short to spend another moment concerned with it – let them have their negative moments if that’s what they want. Doesn’t have to be yours. Your life is too full with good stuff to allocate any time to that!

    August 3, 2010 at 8:18 pm
  • Reply Jaded

    Oh wow – now those are friends. I have a wonderful friend that truly ‘toned’ down the joy of having her daughter 3 years ago for my sake. Now that I am on the other side, I realize what a feat what really was, b/c I want nothing more than to shout my happiness on the roof tops.

    It’s funny you bring up the ‘reason/season/lifetime’ description, b/c i was just discussing that with a former colleague that stopped by the house for a little party we had in Ziggy’s honor. When we first met she was hoping to meet a good man and I was hoping for a baby. Now that she is on her way back to her home country (engaged no less!) we realized that we were in one another’s lives for a reason and a season.

    August 3, 2010 at 10:21 pm
  • Reply anynamesavailable

    beautiful.

    August 4, 2010 at 2:21 am
  • Reply suestuart

    They are definitely keepers!

    August 4, 2010 at 1:53 pm
  • Reply staceysthoughts

    This is such a sweet post about true friendship! Love it. I’m sure you mean a great deal to these special friends just as they do to you.

    August 5, 2010 at 8:06 am
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