A Selfish Mother?

Was wondering what is the general consensus out there on this topic, which I’ve seen pasted on FaceBook a number of times:

To all the unselfish moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles, salon haircuts for ponytails, long baths for quick showers, late nights for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags, & WOULD NOT change a thing. Lets see how many moms repost this. Moms who don’t care …about whatever they gave up, and instead LOVE what they get in return.

Am I selfish Mom because I still wear make up every day? Because I still get my hair cut every month and highlighted every second month? Because I have my French gel overlays filled every two weeks and go for a Pedicure every month? Because I still try to look nice and take care of myself? And that does not mean that I miss out on any of the special things we, as mothers get to experience, I just get to enjoy them while feeling good about myself at the same time?

For me, its not a question of having to trade one for the other. I believe in having my cake and eating it, I’m one of those thoroughly modern milly’s who thinks and believes I can and am, having the best of both worlds.

Am I a bad mother because I strive to teach my daughter, through my example, that she doesn’t have to give up everything she is when she herself becomes a mother one day?

 

October 22, 2010
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23 Comments

  • Reply Nisey

    I am so with you Sharon! Everytime I do something that does not involve Jaden my Mom accuses me of being selfish… I just laugh it off because I’ve made the decision to be a happy mom and for me that means dressing up, nine west shoes, girlfriends, book clubs and yes… spending amazing quality time with my boy and enjoying every moment we have together rather than being miserable (and unattractive) and spending every waking moment with him….

    October 22, 2010 at 11:32 am
  • Reply waiting4amiracle

    OK, I definitely have an opinion on this. Firstly, I think it is a silly status. I’m sure that there are certain things that you can’t afford anymore when you have kids, and that is ok. But if you still have the means to pamper spoil yourself I say HELL YES!! DO IT! Whats the point in being a martyr for no reason at all. I think you have exactly the right attitude about this. Ava must be taught that it is okay to spoil yourself. Live with an attitude of abundance!!! Its very healthy.

    October 22, 2010 at 11:50 am
  • Reply mrssee2

    I can only imagine that people find themselves with less money so can’t do all those nice things anymore once they have kids. But if you can, why the hell not.

    If you were sitting in the salon for hours a day when your baby is at home with a sitter, then I would say hey, but jeepers, there is nothing wrong with doing things you love.

    October 22, 2010 at 12:26 pm
  • Reply elna3

    Why do you need to look like a ‘rag’ just because you have a child? I want to look and feel nice even if I have circles under my eyes. I might not have money for all the great stuff I had before but I am certainly going to do my best to look good and feel good. Ava will enjoy having a pretty mom who looks fab!!1

    October 22, 2010 at 2:06 pm
  • Reply Mash

    What a strange thing to post… (on facebook I mean). Very, very bizarre!

    October 22, 2010 at 2:51 pm
  • Reply suestuart

    Right now Katy is in daycare 2 mornings a week and MIL looks after her 1 morning a week, so that I can get some work done (I work from home with one visit a week to the office). From January Katy is going to daycare 5 mornings a week, and I so can’t wait to have that little bit of extra time to do those “me” things! And I will be there for her in the afternoons, so although I felt guilty initially, I am now very happy with the decision we’ve made!

    October 22, 2010 at 4:46 pm
  • Reply tanyakov

    I believe a mom can and should be able to put on makeup and her dancing shoes, and change nappies and wipe noses if she wants to. Why one or the other?

    October 22, 2010 at 8:02 pm
  • Reply thehappynest

    Although I hear what you’re saying, I do have to say that I think you’re overthinking it a bit. The way I see it it’s just a sentimental little thing – motherhood DOES give make us tired, put us under time pressure, occasionally exhaust us etc etc..but yet we still do it and we love it and we wouldn’t change it for all the world!

    I don’t for a second think that anyone is attaching mom’s that take care of themselves physically, just in the same way that I didn’t in any way take your post personally even though I am FULLY one of ‘those’ moms as described in the status 🙂 🙂

    xx

    October 22, 2010 at 9:44 pm
    • Reply Sharon

      I have to disagree, if the statement wasn’t intended to say that those of us who aren’t that way, it wouldn’t have started with the words – to all the UNSELFISH mom’s.
      And you shouldn’t be offended by this post because it wasn’t my intention to offend anyone that isn’t of the same mould as me, I’m merely saying that if you aren’t of the same mould as me, don’t think I’m selfish.

      October 23, 2010 at 6:39 am
  • Reply thehappynest

    Gosh just reread that post – so many typo’s!
    Is late. Must sleep 🙂
    And yes it should read ‘attacking’ not ‘attaching’, LOL~

    October 22, 2010 at 9:45 pm
  • Reply aussiekim

    Could not agree more with your post Sharon. I have a son (17) not a daughter yet my ways have rubbed off on him and I am proud that he takes such good care of himself.

    October 23, 2010 at 1:26 am
    • Reply Sharon

      And hopefully he will continue to do so when he becomes a father too one day.
      I really am not of the school of thought that once one becomes a parent you need to be a slave to your children.

      October 23, 2010 at 6:40 am
  • Reply lea2109

    Personally I don’t pay attention to a lot of the status updates out there on Facebook and I think people should take these generic “let’s see how many post this” with a grain of salt, certainly I never repost those things to my status because I think it is stupid.

    Sure you are in the lucky position that you are able to afford time and money to spoil yourself in this way on a regular basis and that is fine and cool and why not? Ava still gets lots of attention from you, she is well loved and cared for and you are not doing these things at the expense of her and letting her be neglected in the process (because people who neglect their children and do not have any consideration of their kids’ needs ever, they are the selfish ones in my opinion).

    Sure many of us are in a different position where they might not be able to do this due to lack of money or time. My mum had to work damn hard to give us food and clothes and I didn’t have a dad to help out and certainly she wasn’t able to afford luxuries in life, but she is still a wonderful mother who taught me so many values in life.

    Some of us can afford the time and money, but may not be that focused on getting hair and nails done and so on (I mean I hate clothes shopping at the best of times and have never in my life had a manicure or pedicure and am not big on wearing daily make-up – which is just who I am, and when it comes down to spending the money, I’m just not that into that and would rather spend money on my kids rather than myself, but that’s me, my personality and doesn’t mean others have to be / think the same).

    I don’t think that you should let these things get to you. You have no reason to feel guilty about where you are in your life, about the choices you made / or are making and I think you have sacrificed so much in your life to become a mother. You work hard for what you have and you should be allowed to enjoy that. Certainly what many of these mothers took for granted, you had to put so much effort into. Sure perhaps some are trying to send a message with those “let’s see how many repost this” status updates, but at the end of the day it can only get to you if you let it. If you ignore it then these people / updates can’t get to you. Facebook is often just a medium that people use to say things they would never say in real life and more often than not many would have posted without really thinking like that, it is just because it is a “hype” and everybody does it kind of thing.

    October 23, 2010 at 7:30 am
  • Reply kirstymac72

    I agree with The Happy Nest and lea2109.
    Don’t take those statuses so literally. Someone who thunked it up was probably just having a nostalgic mom moment and wrote it… not to attack anyone.
    I have to say – that having been at a stage when I had 3 babies under 4, (In the UK, so no granny or domestic to help) there were days when I didn’t even get out of my pyjamas – and not for lack of trying!
    Sometimes you have verrrry bad days with a tiny baby/ies – when you don’t get to wash/hi-light hair or enjoy a late night out , put on make up etc. The original poster of this staus was probably just on the back end of one of THOSE days

    October 23, 2010 at 8:40 am
  • Reply little29

    I kinda hear what everyone is saying here – me on the hand – I just hate feeling ugly and remember when i had my baby and a few friends who all had their babies at the same time used to get together weekly to help each other stay sane – anyway they always commented on the fact that my hair was blow dried, i had make up on and of course i am never seen ever without my earings (lol) and make up. you see if i look like shit – i feel like shit. I made it a habit to try get up, shower and dress like I was expecting company always – thats just me. I do understand the days where you can be in your pj’s all day – brush your teeth at 3 in the afternoon etc – we have all had those too.

    October 23, 2010 at 11:26 am
  • Reply merphin

    I agree whole heartedly with most of what has been said. The biggest thing is to remember that on facebook people say and do things that they would never consider in a million years face to face. If I was to take to heart the number of times people say that childcare kids are less loved, less involved and less this that and the other thing I would be the worse mother in the world! Mr nearly 4 has been in FULL time daycare since he was 13mths old when I returned to work, he was bottle feed and we used disposable nappies – does that mean I love him any less – NOT ON YOUR LIFE!
    He is the light of my life, I dont do make up or clothes shopping unless I have too but that is my choice and always has been. Our time together is full of love, cuddles and fun – I make the most of our time together and wouldn’t have it any other way! He knows he is loved and regardless of what anyone says so long as we are happy isnt that is all that matters?
    You are doing a great job with Ava and I dont think for a minute that you should change anything – she knows you love her and yourself at the same time, what a great thing to teach your baby!!

    October 23, 2010 at 8:35 pm
  • Reply ttcnot2easy

    I am with you on this one! I too have my nails done, get facials and so on – one thing that was preached to me when Bella was born that you MUST allow yourself “me” time. I have found that the time out has made me a better mother – the time away has helped. Initially I battled with some guilt, but in the end, it really has been for the best. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that.

    October 24, 2010 at 7:24 am
  • Reply ksmind

    Totally with you and I’m the same kind of mom.. but I do think it has something to do with money for some people and also to do with living in SA.. we have a Loveness or a Gogo that looks after our kids as if they are their own (whilst we get me time).. might be harder (and more expensive) for others around the world?! ..Have to appreciate the positive things we have in SA (cos we all know the negative ones!) 🙂 Having said all that the fb thing is about selfishness.. and I’m not sure thats the same thing as I’m talking about here..

    October 24, 2010 at 5:27 pm
  • Reply orbit365

    I love my ME Time and think that I am a better Mom for it. My DH and I are also not one of those Moms who are slaves to their kids. That is all.
    xxx

    October 24, 2010 at 6:00 pm
  • Reply pandoragelb

    I agree on the me time, and it doesn’t make us selfish. It is also important to still feel at your best. whatever your me time entails, go for it! I still get my hair done and go to the salon. I have never really been a make up person, except if we go out.
    On the other hand, I am sure none of us would have me time to the detriment of our kids.
    In some cases is may be a money issue, but me time can also be just reading a book! I was happy just to have a wander around the shops by myself today, and an hour’s sleep this afternoon. .

    October 24, 2010 at 6:20 pm
  • Reply Hanneke C

    Interesting topic! I would have to agree with some of the other comments on your post and the FB comment is silly and I ignore those statements. Do we really need to put mothers in a ‘box or mould’? I know for a fact I wouldn’t fit the mould for various reasons! Being selfish as a mother as far as I’m concerned is not truly loving your child which I know Sharon that you do with your whole heart! and a quick comment on ME time it is a necessity for ALL mums!

    October 25, 2010 at 8:26 am
  • Reply nolene123

    I promised myself long ago that I will not loose myself in motherhood. I was Nolene before my son was born , I will be Nolene for the remaining years of my life. Yes, I am nou also called mommy and wifey… but I was Nolene before all of that. Motherhood has changed me for the good, but when they leave the nest, I will still know who I am.

    October 25, 2010 at 3:16 pm
  • Reply Jaded

    Are you serious?! People are so ridiculous. I pride myself on my looks and the care I take with them. I never EVER take away from Ziggy. She gets 100% of me first and then if I have to get up earlier or go to be later to do my hair or nails then that’s what I choose to do. That comment just reflects laziness and dare I say very low self-esteem and possibly an unsupportive partner/spouse that is not will to help out. Every 2 weeks I go to the hair salon on Saturday mornings and then run errands and go to the book store while my husband takes care of her. I wake up at 6am and feed her and change her diaper i’m off. My cell phone is on if i’m needed, but this is my time and I come home refreshed and as a better parent because i took a healthy ‘time-out’. When I get home he goes to the gym and I stay home with her. Then we always go out afterward and spend the afternoon and evening together as a family. This type of comment really pisses me off and is such an unnecessary petty generalization.

    October 27, 2010 at 4:34 pm
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