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A Slow Dawning

I never realized just how rapidly a baby develops, most likely because I never had a baby before. Taking care/baby sitting somebodyelses baby is quite different to raising a baby of you own. Each week I notice something new about my little darling. Each week she learns something new, has some new development. From holding her own head up,  her first smile and first giggle, to sleeping through the night, to eating her fingers. This weeks new development is that she’s figured out how to pull herself up into a sitting position, using your hands or arms. And boy oh boy, don’t you dare lie her back now, as soon as you lie her back in your arms, she flexes those tummy muscles, the legs go straight out and she strains and pulls till she’s back in the sitting position again. She’s also discovered this week that her voice has different pitches, so now we have baby talk that ranges from cute coo’ing sounds to pretty loud high pitched screaming.

Through all of these new phases of her development, my permanent role in her life is become more and more real to me. With each passing day, its slowly starting to dawn on me that I’m not living some dream, this is my life, this is my normal, my reality, I won’t jut wake up one day soon to discover it was a dream or a temporary situation. Its still very surreal for me, I have to consciously remind myself daily that this is my reality now, that I do have the child I have longed for, dreamed about.

To help me accept my new reality I remind myself of all the things I’m looking forward to:

  • The first time she says Mama
  • The first time she crawls
  • The first time she walks
  • Teaching her how to ride a bike
  • Her first day of school
  • Her first period
  • Graduation
  • Guiding her in her life choices
  • Watching her walk down the isle

And ultimately, seeing her joy, when she too, God willing, becomes a mother one day.

There are so many things to look forward to, W and I talk about it all the time, each day we come up with something new to look forward to. Of course, there are things I’m dreading as well. Dreading seeing her get hurt by friends, dreading seeing her get her heart broken, worrying about her self image, especially when I see how women are portrayed in the media, its a huge concern for me, worrying about the experimental phase, about the availability of drugs and sex and all the other things that parents worry about.

This parenting thing is a huge responsibility, I don’t think we can grasp just how huge a responsibility it is till we’re in the midst of it all. I’m worried for my own fragile heart to. I love this child so much I don’t think I can bare to see her get hurt, to see her go through the trials and struggles that we all had to go through growing up.

There’s so much to look forward to and so much to worry about all at the same time!

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5 Comments

  • Reply Abs

    It’s wonderful to hear you are settling into your new reality and coping with it all so well! I’m sure Ava knows how much she is loved and will grow up with the confidence to pass all her milestones in style! xxx

    March 30, 2010 at 9:53 am
  • Reply Sian

    I think that its great and so exciting!

    March 30, 2010 at 10:13 am
  • Reply Denise

    There really is so much to worry about – and look forward to. It just passes so quickly, enjoy every moment. I was just thinking last week about how much J has changed and grown in the last 9 months.

    March 30, 2010 at 2:19 pm
  • Reply charne

    the firsts are just so awesome!! and yes your heart melts when you hear MaMa!! (even though i know she might not relate it to me, she still said it and it melted my heart)

    eeek i am also worried about sex and drugs and experiments! how to shield them from that!

    March 30, 2010 at 2:24 pm
  • Reply Roz

    I hear you Shaz, I hear you! I simply cannot get over how quickly the twins are growing! We had their dedication this past weekend and before we know it, it will be their first birthday party! That is why I am struggling so much with being a full time working mommy…I feel like I am missing out on so much!

    March 30, 2010 at 10:18 pm
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