In exactly 5 & a half weeks Ava-Grace will be 2 years old. It’s been two years since I last laid eyes our on our beautiful and brave BM and while there has been much time and distance separating us, there is one thing that hasn’t changed.
From the moment I laid eyes on her, this woman felt like my sister. There was an instant & binding connection between us. A familiarity that I have never known before and doubt I will ever know again. A sense of knowing that no words can ever fully describe.
From the moment of that 1st meeting, we have shared a bond that stretches, invisibly, between us, across the miles & time that separates us. We share something so very special, we share a mother’s love for the same precious baby girl. And that love has kept us connected, on a deeply spiritual level. During the 60 days when I was paralyzed by fear, she somehow knew and when the fear became so intense that I thought I’d suffocate, I’d receive an sms from our SW forwarded on from our BM. SMS’s reassuring me that she was not going to change her mind. SMS’s telling me that she knew I was meant to be Ava’s mommy. SMS’s of encouragement. SMS’s of love.
As the time past and we approached Ava’s 1st birthday the SMS gradually became less and less. When I inquired with our SW she confirmed what my heart new. That our BM had stopped requesting to see the letters, photo’s and video’s that we sent, the updates on Ava and her well being. I knew in my heart, as our SW assured me that this was our BM’s best attempts to try and move forward with her life. I tried my best to respect that. Even though some part of me yearned for her and her words of encouragement and love. My greatest wish has always been for her that she be able to live a happy and fulfilled life. That she not be trapped in despair for a lifetime. And I knew that this was what she was trying to do by not seeing the updates, the photo’s and the video’s.
In an odd way I was a little sad. I’m not really sure how to describe what I felt. But I have missed her with an intensity that I have never known before. But that connection that we somehow shared seem to grow silent. I stopped being able to “feel” her. I’m sure this doesn’t make sense to anyone reading this. And I know that our adoption was fairly different to most out there, our SW’s have assured us that the bond between us was unusual and not the norm. They keep reminding me of this with our second placement, preparing me to not anticipate the same bond. It is the exception and not the rule.
And now, in a few short weeks Ava will be 2 and for some reason over the last week I have “felt” our BM again. I have been unable to stop thinking of her, wondering how she is doing, wondering if life is being kind to her. On Saturday I could take it no more and I messaged our SW to say that our BM had been so on my mind in the last few days and I wanted to know if she was ok.
A couple of hours later I received the following message:
Good Morning little Ava… My heart has been yearning a little but I am ok. I try to stay focused & keep counting my blessings that you have such wonderful, loving parents. All my love always, your Tummy Mummy
One day I hope I will get the opportunity to tell this woman how much I have loved her. How much I will always love her. How not a single day passes that I don’t think of her. She’s in my thoughts and in my heart every moment of every day.
Then this morning, I logged into my reader and saw that Jill had updated her blog with a guest post she had done here. When I read the post it was like having a window into our BM’s world and confirmed for me what that yearning that our BM mentioned, must feel like.
*I* I will love u forever! That is all. That is all I can say, any other attempts to try and express what I feel for you and about you will seem contrite and take away from the intensity of my feelings. There simply are no words.