On Friday, while I was lying on my bed, waiting for the time to pass and for the inevitable to happen… the most terrifying thought came into my head. One that filled me with fear and panic and anxiety and such overwhelming sadness that I landed up sobbing for hours.
There’s a very good possibility that I’m never going to be a Mom.
After more than 7 years of trying and now 7 pregnancies, its terrifyingly difficult for me to admit to myself that it may never happen for us. I was never really afraid of this thought before, mostly because I never thought it was a reality, we had options, we had treatments to try, we’d been given a diagnosis with our second opinion, all had been repaired and I knew it was just a matter of time before I got pregnant again and that diagnosis was proven correct and we’d have a baby and live happily ever after.
And then I did get pregnant again, but instead of having a baby and living happily ever after, we’ve been forced to face the exact same outcome, the same outcome we’ve faced countless times previously. Its painful and its hard, but I have to admit defeat and I know in saying that I sound like I’m giving up and I suppose I am. But this was supposed to be our chance, I was supposed to be fixed, this wasn’t supposed to happen this way, but it did.
The thought of never experiencing motherhood is terrifying, but so is the thought of going on, of trying yet again and facing the same out come over and over and over again. I’m hurting terribly right now, so perhaps I’m not making any sense or perhaps I’ll change my mind,or perhaps in a few months I’ll feel strong and willing to try again.
But for right now, the way that I’m feeling, the experience we’ve gained, I’d be being dishonest with myself if I weren’t willing to start facing the reality of our situation, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I don’t want to think about it, no matter how much my friends and supporters tell me it isn’t so. The sad fact is that it is so, that sooner or later we all run out of options and have to accept that maybe that cliche is correct, maybe we’re just not meant to have children.
Even saying that crushes my heart just a little further……….