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A Terrifying Thought

On Friday, while I was lying on my bed, waiting for the time to pass and for the inevitable to happen… the most terrifying thought came into my head. One that filled me with fear and panic and anxiety and such overwhelming sadness that I landed up sobbing for hours.

There’s a very good possibility that I’m never going to be a Mom.

After more than 7 years of trying and now 7 pregnancies, its terrifyingly difficult for me to admit to myself that it may never happen for us. I was never really afraid of this thought before, mostly because I never thought it was a reality, we had options, we had treatments to try, we’d been given a diagnosis with our second opinion, all had been repaired and I knew it was just a matter of time before I got pregnant again and that diagnosis was proven correct and we’d have a baby and live happily ever after.

And then I did get pregnant again, but instead of having a baby and living happily ever after, we’ve been forced to face the exact same outcome, the same outcome we’ve faced countless times previously. Its painful and its hard, but I have to admit defeat and I know in saying that I sound like I’m giving up and I suppose I am. But this was supposed to be our chance, I was supposed to be fixed, this wasn’t supposed to happen this way, but it did.

The thought of never experiencing motherhood is terrifying, but so is the thought of going on, of trying yet again and facing the same out come over and over and over again. I’m hurting terribly right now, so perhaps I’m not making any sense or perhaps I’ll change my mind,or perhaps in a few months I’ll feel strong and willing to try again.

But for right now, the way that I’m feeling, the experience we’ve gained, I’d be being dishonest with myself if I weren’t willing to start facing the reality of our situation, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I don’t want to think about it, no matter how much my friends and supporters tell me it isn’t so. The sad fact is that it is so, that sooner or later we all run out of options and have to accept that maybe that cliche  is correct, maybe we’re just not meant to have children.

Even saying that crushes my heart just a little further……….

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25 Comments

  • Reply Elana Kahn

    That is a terrifying thought….and it’s one that I pray is not true. Hopefully you will regain the energy to try again–with or without donor eggs. Even though it just takes everything out of you, especially when you miscarry, eventually I am praying that it will be worth it and you will have the baby you were meant to have. Until I went through my own IVF cycle I always thought “oh yeah, I’ll do it as many times as I need to until I have a baby.” Once I got to the 2ww of my IVF, I was like “I sure as hell hope this works because I DO NOT want to have to do this again any time soon…if ever.” It’s just SO hard. It’s hard physically and emotionally. It’s painful. It sucks. And I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Well, maybe on my *worst* enemy. 😉 But I CERTAINLY wouldn’t wish it for you. I wish for you to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, and I wish it to happen now. I don’t want to see you hurting. And I want to give you the biggest hug I can. *****HUG***** My thoughts are with you, as always, and I hope you give donor eggs a good, long thought, because it is an excellent option.

    October 19, 2009 at 5:32 am
  • Reply Kristin

    Oh honey…I am hoping and praying that there is no validity to that fear. {{{Hugs}}}

    October 19, 2009 at 5:51 am
  • Reply Esperanza

    I just wrote a long comment in response to your post, but then erased it because I was worried it would come across as insensitive. It really upsets me that you felt you might not be “meant” to have children. No one is “meant” or “not meant” to have children. I feel like that implies some kind of inherent significance to the “choosing” of who gets to have children and who doesn’t. The thing is, I don’t think there is any of that, because so many people that would be very wonderful parents don’t have their own children. I don’t think it’s that there not “meant” to have children, that just happens to be what happens in their life. I know it doesn’t bring solace, but somehow I feel like it’s better than thinking you’re not “meant” for motherhood.

    I really do hope you get to experience motherhood. If you’re feeling scared about the possibility of missing out on that, it is totally understandable. Try to experience those feelings as they come. Eventually they will become something else, over time. You can’t know yet what that will be, or when that will be, but it will happen. I hope by then you have something wonderful to celebrate.

    October 19, 2009 at 7:09 am
  • Reply Lea White

    I so wish with all my heart I could make your dream come true. Huge hugs, prayers and thoughts!!!!

    October 19, 2009 at 7:49 am
  • Reply Rach

    Welcome to what I’m dealing with right now, except that the decision is about to be announced.

    I have to say that having this discussion within my own head about whether to keep trying or to stop has been on par pain wise emotionally and mentally with all of my miscarriages. It hurts to think of never being a Mum but it hurts just as much to even think about experiencing another loss.

    I hope Sharon that you do get to experience Motherhood I truly do…

    xxx

    October 19, 2009 at 8:07 am
  • Reply Melanie

    Dont know what to say, other than I really admire you strength.
    Hoping and praying that one day we will both get to experience motherhood

    October 19, 2009 at 8:12 am
  • Reply Abs

    Sending hugs my friend. I dont know what else to do to help you through this awful time. Please know that I’m always a phone call, skpe or text away if you need a friend to lean on. xx

    October 19, 2009 at 8:32 am
  • Reply Hela

    It’s sad to read this, but it’s par for the course I guess given all you’ve had to go through. Yes we all hope you can experience motherhood but at the same time, we don’t want to see you go through all these painful emotions over and over! It’s just heartbreaking to see someone having to struggle so much!

    Perhaps it’s time for your Tuscany trip – when you’ve healed a little.

    Sending plenty of hugs and thoughts your way!

    October 19, 2009 at 8:48 am
  • Reply Sian

    Its not over yet!!! Sending lots of love.

    October 19, 2009 at 9:00 am
  • Reply Beth

    Oh Sharon, my heart breaks for you and yr husband.

    I also cannot believe that there is such a concept, as “not meant” or “meant” to be parents. Look at the awful abusive parents that are out there, they def were not meant to be parents, and yet they are.

    Please take care of yrself, and do what you need to heal.

    Thinking of you lots.

    xxx

    October 19, 2009 at 9:10 am
  • Reply Andie

    It makes perfect sense to those who live in the trenches of RPL. How many times can we face the same outcome? It is absolutely terrifying to face the idea that you may never be a mother. I have been dealing with that myself. But if it comes to that, we will find peace and acceptance.

    Please let go of the “meant to be”. I don’t believe people are meant or meant not to be parents. You have been through an incredibly painful journey so be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up. I sincerely hope you do achieve your dream of being a mother – I hope we all do.

    Love and peace to you.
    Andie

    October 19, 2009 at 9:19 am
  • Reply sophie

    Sharon,

    It is a terrifying thought but at the same time it has a lot of power in it.
    I find it shows a lot of your personnal power, to have the guts to face the fear, instead of grabbing at another “promising solution” right away.
    I find it shows a lot of your respect for the hope this little growing Life meant. Let us be strong enough to ache and be shaken, instead of trying to “replace” Life right away.
    Take your time Sharon, you have the tools to face the terrifying thought and transform it to hope and fulfilment.
    Lots of love.

    October 19, 2009 at 9:54 am
  • Reply SCY

    It is a terrifying thought. One that I understand you’re contemplating. Cos I think in the same shoes I would be contemplating it too. I hate the sentiment of “maybe you’re not meant to have kids”. If it was as simple as that pedophiles, rapists etc would not have children born into thier lives. It’s not about you not being meant to be a Mom. It’s about that maybe there is another way for you to experience motherhood. Another very special way. I don’t want to come across as calous, but I do hope that once you’ve given yourself the time to mourn this loss and this hope that this pregnancy gave all of us who love you, that you will allow yourself to look deeper into the donor egg situtaion so that we can erase this terrifing thought and we can all share in the joy as you DO get to exprience motherhood to it’s fullest.

    I’m only a call, text or visit away.

    xxx

    October 19, 2009 at 10:30 am
  • Reply Zeu

    I don’t think anybody should be labelled “not meant to have children” for the exact same reason as all the other replies before me.. I know you feel time is against you, but please remember that you do have other options.

    My thoughts and prayers remain with you…
    Zeu

    October 19, 2009 at 10:48 am
  • Reply Misty

    I’m so very sorry for your pain, Sharon. I wish you lots of love and hugs and I hope that you can find some peace in the days ahead.

    October 19, 2009 at 11:18 am
  • Reply Adel

    Ai Shaz,

    I so wish you did not need to go through this! Thinking of you.

    You know that we decided to not do any further treatments, but whether I have really dealt with it – I don’t know yet. I get my days where it is ok, and other days I think – no – I cannot accept the fact that I will never have children. But, I just take it day by day and deal with it as the time goes by – it is all I can do.

    Good luck and lots of love!

    October 19, 2009 at 11:37 am
  • Reply Denise

    Have you considered that maybe you weren’t meant to be a bio mom but that motherhood is still an option through adoption or fostering?

    I have found great joy and peace with my fostered son – I am a Mom in every sense of the word and love my baby boy fiercely. I am sure you wouldn’t have put so much effort into this journey if you weren’t meant to be a mom, being a bio mom isn’t the only option…

    I feel that you have so much love inside you that you were definitely meant to be Mom

    October 19, 2009 at 11:55 am
  • Reply Cindy

    I don’t think any one of ‘us’ was made ‘not’ to be a mom. Those who are meant not to are surely the ones that have a complete lack of desire in their hearts…they are not the ones who fight tooth and nail to make it happen. They are not the ones who want. I believe you were meant to be a mom, otherwise why would all this hurt so bad?

    October 19, 2009 at 1:06 pm
  • Reply Amy

    My heart is crushing for you. If hugs were like sand, I’d send you a whole beach or maybe a desert.

    October 19, 2009 at 1:15 pm
  • Reply Jenny

    I guess right now the only sensible thing to do is nothing. Wait until you can have more clarity Shaz. Go through this pain before making any life-changing decisions. I hope you find the answers.

    October 19, 2009 at 1:42 pm
  • Reply Yvonne

    Shaz I don’t believe for even a second that you are not meant to be a mom. You ARE and one day you WILL be a great one.

    I know you are in unbelievable pain right now, but through all this just remember that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how small – or how far away it might seem. It’s there.

    I can feel that there is a baby for you, somewhere. Waiting. There are still so many options available to you..maybe you’ll eventually heal enough to try this rollercoaster again, maybe you’ll use donor eggs, maybe you’ll get a surrogate, maybe you’ll adopt etc etc. There are options, and at the end of the day, when you’re holding that little one in your arms it won’t matter it if they aren’t your genetics, or if you didn’t give birth yourself…you will still be the BESt parent to that little baby.

    BIGBIGBIG warm hugs to you, I so wish I could shoulder some of this pain for you.

    xx

    October 19, 2009 at 1:51 pm
  • Reply Mommy-In-Waiting

    Oh I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. I really hope your worst nightmare doesn’t come true. Take some time to heal before making any decisions. I believe that you will know when enough is enough, when you are really ready to give up on your dream, but hopefully you won’t reach that point.

    October 19, 2009 at 5:36 pm
  • Reply WiseGuy

    I am at a total loss for what to say. I have had the same rush of thoughts, but the severity of your pain is so much higher than mine, that I would do you complete disservice by saying I fully understand you.

    All I can say is that God must match aptitude, desire and ability better.

    October 19, 2009 at 6:53 pm
  • Reply jan

    oh shari im so very sorry for how much youre hurting right now. and I pray that your miracle will still happen xxxxx

    October 19, 2009 at 9:01 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    It is truly a terrifying, deep, and painful hurt to think of not achieving that dream. I am so very sorry that you are facing another loss and the flood of emotions surrounding it. Praying for you physically and emotionally, and thinking of you constantly. Wish I could sit with you in person.

    October 20, 2009 at 7:11 am
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