I think I’ve blogged about this before, but since becoming a mother and overcoming our infertility, sitting on the other side of the fence, I’ve been given a whole new perspective on myself and my short comings over the past 8 years. I’ve seen my behavior reflected back at me in the past months and have been forced to take a good hard look at what infertility made me.
The thing that I’m most ashamed of is how self obsessed and selfish infertility made me. Everything was about me, my feelings, what I needed and the only people whose feelings I was willing to consider were those who were walking the path with me. I saw others good fortune not as separate from my own but somehow as a sign that I wasn’t good enough, didn’t measure up and was not deserving enough to be blessed. Now of course, I realize that my happiness and good fortune is totally unrelated to anyone else.
I’m ashamed to admit it, but when others, who I, almighty me, deemed to not have been through as hard a journey as I or those like me had, rejoiced in their pregnancies or their babies, I saw it as hurtful or like they were rubbing my face in what they had that I simply, no matter how hard I tried, could not have.
Of course now, in hindsight I see how self obsessed and self-important that was. How arrogant of me! To think that I was SOOO important that the entire world should go around considering my feelings only! I’m actually embarrassed about it now. I’m quite sure that there have been mutterings of how I rub others faces in my good fortune every time I upload some random image of Ava on to Facebook or my blog. And now that the shoe is on the other foot I have to say that it’s the furthermost thing from the truth. I love Ava so much and am so proud of her that I want to show her off, it’s not about rubbing anyone’s face in it, in fact that isn’t even a consideration when I do things like that. And yet, I so felt that it was that way in the past.
Many many years ago, before I met Walter and before I moved to Johannesburg, one of my previous employers sent us all on a seminar, it was called The Forum and it was one of the most life changing seminars I have ever attended. It was grueling and exhausting and I took many many lessons away from it. But probably the most important lesson I took from it and its the one that still sticks with me today, is that regardless of how badly we handle a situation, or how badly we think others handle a situation, ultimately, at that point in time, with our current circumstances the way they are, we do the very best we can. In hind sight it may not always be good enough, or seem like the right thing to have done, or the right way to have reacted. But at that time, we did all we could, we did the best we could.
With that in mind, I think its time for me to forgive myself for the shameful way that I behaved in the past and try to move on from there.