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A Year Ago…

It was my 38th birthday and while I was living my long awaited, hard fought dream of motherhood, I was feeling rather disillusioned. I was hurting and I was confused and I was learning some very painful lesson’s about who my friends were, that whole, reason, season, lifetime thing. As my season as an infertile was ending, so were a number of precious friendships which, now looking back, I realize were purely seasonal friendships.

It was a painful time where I experienced betrayals like I hadn’t experienced since my school days. It was a time of being excluded, of feeling lonely and depressed and confused. Of hearing how others, while asking for my support to my face, spoke about me behind my back. It was time of being completley misunderstood. How could they understand what I was going through, how do any of us understand or even comprehend what those first months of motherhood are like – let alone those of us who are thrust so suddenly into the midst of it. My inability to drop by, drink wine, offer support was mistook for indifference when in fact I barely had my head above water and was in no way, shape or form able to hold anyone else up in the process, it was taking every ounce of my strength to hold it together for myself, for my husband, for our baby. I had nothing left to give, nothing to offer, I was trapped in my own drowning pool with few I could turn to or rely on to help keep me afloat, it was, as anyone who has experienced the difficulties of early motherhood and especially those of us who have experienced the difficulties of early motherhood after a long struggle with infertility, a very lonely time.

I have made no secret of the fact that I struggled to adapt to motherhood. It happened so suddenly and was nothing like pink tinged, soft and cuddly times I’d expected it would be. It did not see Walter and I staring dreamily into each others eyes while a baby slept angelically and silently  in the stroller between us. It was HARD! It was the HARDEST thing I’ve ever done. We were exhausted from nights of no sleep. We were overwrought with anxiety about the 60 day consent period and about the legalities that followed that, we were overwhelmed with the responsibility of so suddenly being required to care for a new baby, we were frozen by the awe of the amazing miracle that had so rapidly unfolded before us.

My birthday last year saw me sad. Very very sad and very lonely. We stayed at home, we didn’t go anywhere. I got very few birthday messages and certainly very lukewarm wishes from the people I’d expected to embrace me. There was a lot of passive/aggressive B.S. on the go, of which I share responsibility. People were forced to take sides in an ugly situation and I didn’t play the game well, I’m not good at being a victim or playing the victim, I’m a fighter and I fought to defend and protect myself in the only way’s I know how.

Thankfully, a year has past and a lot has happened. The pain of the losses of that time still sting and there is still a certain amount of bitterness but with time, these are healing.

Today its my 39th birthday and I find myself in a very different place to where I was a year ago. I’d like to thank all my friends for spoiling me and making me feel so very special this year.

So much clarity and so much water under the bridge. I could never have imagined, when drunkenly celebrating my 30th birthday almost a decade ago, what a tumultuous, painful, trying and joyful time my 30’s would be!

“Healing takes time, time heals all wounds so be patient and let time take it’s course”

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13 Comments

  • Reply Antigone1022

    Happy Birthday….I hope you, W and Ava have a lovely happy Birthday celebration. Having your own Birthday with an older toddler is such fun, blowing out candles and unwrapping presents with a lot of help from your litle one is such fun. In years to come she will secretly spend hours making a card for you, and its priceless….enjoy
    Anti

    June 16, 2011 at 7:34 am
  • Reply wiseguyomoshiroi

    Happy Happy Birthday, Sharon.

    Can I say something? I kind of noticed the absence of a certain somebody from your blog/comments/FB. I am not sure if you are speaking of the same person?

    Anyways, all I want to say is that you have had a horrible time, and there comes a time when you have to save your energy for yourself for the sake of self-preservation. And if you thought it was what you should have done, well, so be it.

    You have W, you have Ava and I am sure lot of other people who cherish you through and through.

    Hope you had a good time!

    June 16, 2011 at 8:16 am
  • Reply Mash

    Happy Birthday!

    June 16, 2011 at 10:33 am
  • Reply tzipieastwest

    Happy Birthday Sharon.
    Well maybe I am just mad, but as soon as you put the reproductive drive on the side, getting closer to 40 is just GREAT !! So, Sister, good times ahead!!

    June 16, 2011 at 11:16 am
  • Reply Chrisle

    Happy birthday ! Through difficult times in our lives we usually see who is real and not. Friendships come and friendships go, but the love of your child will stay forever.

    June 16, 2011 at 12:40 pm
  • Reply charne

    Glad this year was better I remember last year been tough

    I often wonder if the friendships u lost may be restored still

    June 16, 2011 at 6:52 pm
  • Reply marina1605

    Hope you had a wonderful birthday yesterday Sharon! xxx

    June 17, 2011 at 9:09 am
  • Reply waiting4amiracle

    I am so glad to hear that it was a great day! Birthdays are supposed to be special! Here’s to many many more happy happy days!

    June 17, 2011 at 9:29 am
  • Reply Scared & Imperfect Mother

    Happy birthday for yesterday. hope you had a wonderful day!

    June 17, 2011 at 9:36 am
  • Reply Marcia (123 blog)

    Happy birthday for yesterday – glad you had a fantastic day.

    June 17, 2011 at 10:33 am
  • Reply Elize

    I’m so happy that your birthday this year was a million times better than last year! What a joy to see you unfold and heal from the inside out! Your family is picture perfect with the most adorable little girl I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting!

    June 18, 2011 at 1:26 pm
  • Reply To Love Bella

    Hope you had a fabulous birthday. So very pleased that this one has been better, Sharon.
    As you well know, I couldn’t agree more with you on many points mentioned here – people just had / have no idea. Bottom line.

    June 18, 2011 at 2:17 pm
  • Reply Julia

    Such a beautiful, honest post. I am so glad that your birthday was better this year than last year. And I will continue to hope and pray for healing in all areas of your life where it is needed.xx

    June 20, 2011 at 10:02 pm
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