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Adoption Loss – A Follow Up

It’s been almost two months since we lost Baby K, after only having him in our family for one day. I think all 3 of us have been touched and changed in some way by his loss.

Ava went through a very rough patch after his loss. She was clearly angry and confused and took it out on everyone around her, physically. We went through a very rough patch where she kicked, bit, pushed and hit anyone that was the same size as her or smaller. At one point she was having multiple times out’s at school for her bullish behaviour and I was really concerned by the impact of her behaviour on her best friend as he seemed to be her favourite target for taking out her anger and her grief. But following the advice of my therapist, our social worker and Ava’s school teacher, we decided it would be best to simply ride it out, give her lost of encouragement and positive reinforcement and talk openly with her about Baby K, what had happened to him and why he wasn’t there any more. She loves looking at his photo’s and still refers to him as her baby and as herself as a big sister, but the violent behaviour has dissipated and she is back to her old, happy go lucky, sweet self.

Ava Holding Kyle

Walter seems to be handling fine. It was a horrible situation for him, but he is far less emotional than I am, so he doesn’t seemed to have needed to grieve the loss in anyway because he hand’t allowed himself to get emotionally attached just yet. He was, and I think, still is, confused by the train of events that led up to Baby K’s loss but he has accepted the situation for what it is.

Ava & Kyle

 

As for me, I guess I’m ok. It still hurts for me to look at photo’s of Baby K and talking about it still makes my eyes burn with unshed tears. I often wonder where he is, if he’s ok, if he’s being cared for, nurtured and loved and for me that’s difficult. I struggle with the not knowing. Ava’s struggle with our adoption loss was very hard for me, I really struggle with feelings of frustration over her acting out versus deep sadness over the obvious pain she was in.  Like Walter, I’m also still confused by the train of events that led to Baby K’s loss but unlike Walter, I am struggling to accept how everything has turned out.

There are days when the pain loosing Baby K and my deep yearning for another child are so intense that I physically ache on the inside. Yesterday was just such a day. I read Robyn’s Wordless Wednesday post yesterday morning and was so touched by the beauty of her photo’s, by the obviously strong bond between her children that my heart ached for the remainder of the day.

Knowing with each passing day, week, month, Ava gets older and older and the gap between her and her would be sibling grows wider and wider and the chance for that kind of bond grows smaller and smaller makes me so sad and so frustrated. At some point, if we still haven’t had our second placement, we may just remove ourselves from the waiting list because I’m now in my 40’s and don’t see myself raising another baby when I’m 45 and Ava is 8.

So yes, it’s been a tough few months emotionally but we’re ok. We’re still hoping, praying, believing in our second placement, that somewhere out there is the perfect little soul destined to complete our family but only time will tell.

As a side note – ironically it’s almost 3 years to the day that we received the devastating news of our imminent 7th miscarriage, perhaps this also is playing into my melancholy mood at the moment.

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16 Comments

  • Reply CharlieW

    I don’t know what to say! Just wish I could give you a hug xx

    October 11, 2012 at 1:38 pm
  • Reply TJ

    Sending you lots of hugs! I’m still so sorry that you had to go through this horror.

    I really hope your 2nd placement isn’t that far away. I really hope you receive your hearts desire.

    I think Men don’t get that emotionally attached as women do. Their brains are a lot different from ours. For us , everything is connected and being a Mom once makes you a little softer and you learn to love so much easier the 2nd time round.

    October 11, 2012 at 1:44 pm
  • Reply Jeanette

    ((hugs))

    October 11, 2012 at 1:45 pm
  • Reply blackhuff

    I will never understand the losses you and your family have gone through but I do pray that the pain will go away some day.

    October 11, 2012 at 1:56 pm
  • Reply Sian

    Lots and lots of love xxxxxx

    October 11, 2012 at 2:07 pm
  • Reply Zaheera

    Just another little hug… to let you know that you are admired by many, loved by all, and prayed for by so many more than you can even imagine…
    Looking forward to meeting you in person soon, for the more i get to know you, the more i admire you and would like to send back that positivity! 🙂

    October 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm
  • Reply Robyn

    Shaz, my prayer for you today is that the desires of your heart will be met soon-soon. xxx

    October 11, 2012 at 2:53 pm
  • Reply Dee

    Just want to let you know that my sister and I are 5 years apart and we honestly couldnt be any closer. Really hoping and praying alongside you… xx

    October 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm
  • Reply denita

    No words … Just a big hug x

    October 11, 2012 at 3:33 pm
  • Reply cat@jugglingact

    Oh Sharon, jus tso sorry for your loss once again.

    October 11, 2012 at 3:34 pm
  • Reply Tracy

    So sorry for your loss.

    October 11, 2012 at 4:13 pm
  • Reply Sue Stuart

    Thinking of you, big hugs.

    October 11, 2012 at 6:29 pm
  • Reply Julia

    I still can’t believe that this happened. Hang in there my friend.xx

    October 11, 2012 at 8:59 pm
  • Reply kristi fraser

    Im so sorry, im all teary, we have 2 little boys, 3 years apart, and thinking of losing one,or one being taken away, would shatter me, i feel so much for your little girl, they get attached super quickly, she must be so confused. lots of love

    October 11, 2012 at 11:47 pm
  • Reply Wenchy

    I don’t have words for such sadness.

    October 12, 2012 at 12:16 am
  • Reply Lisa-Marie

    My love.
    I’m pleased that Ava is recovering from this. I was quite concerned about her.
    As I am about you; I regularly think of you and of this pain. I don’t bbm you, because I do not want to remind you of this. Just want you to know that I am thinking of you guys constantly and that all my bits are still crossed for you guys.
    x

    October 15, 2012 at 11:43 am
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