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Adoption Option

On Friday, I had to have a CD2 baseline scan to ensure that I had adequately shed my pregnancy lining and another beta to ensure that my HCG levels were nearing the zero mark. It was a very emotionally painful experience, I cried the entire way through the scan, I cried the entire way through the blood test, I cried the entire way through the inventory write up of all my return meds, I cried through entire credit procedure and then I sobbed the entire way home. The staff at the clinic were wonderful.  Every single one of them recognized and acknowledged my pain. But while I was there going through the motions, I had one thought going through my mind, I  don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t want to do this anymore. I do not ever want to have another scan, another beta, another repeat beta, another repeat repeat beta. I do not want ever want to have another discussion surrounding my inexplicably declining beta results. I’m finished, I am done!

Of course, in time, with renewed strength I may change my mind and that’s ok, but I feel like now is the time for weighing up all our options. I’m not ready to give up on motherhood, but I am ready to start looking at some of the alternatives. So I did a something, something that took a huge amount of courage for me to do, I was so scared while I was doing it, that I cried throughout the process. I’ve had the name of a private adoption social worker, tucked away in my wallet for years now. She’s highly respected in South Africa and very well known in the infertility community for her placements. So I picked up the phone and phoned her. We have a provisional appointment set up for later in November. I’d like to meet with her, hear what she has to say, see what the procedure will involve, what our odds are and then weight up the pro’s and con’s of donor versus adoption.

The thing is this…… countless timed… stimmed cycles… 3 IUI’s… 2 surgeries… 5 IVF’s…7 pregnancies….7 years….0 children. I don’t think I ever want to be pregnant again. The experience is completely ruined for me, its a time of extreme stress and anxiety and right now, I just don’t see myself doing it again. I also know that W is sick of treatment, he’s sick of watching me go through treatment, he’s sick of the Dr’s appointments and blood tests and watching me have my heart shattered over and over again. When we got the news of this last miscarriage, the same day we received the news he said to me: “Lets stop this and focus on adoption”.

And that’s the option I’m feeling most comfortable with right now. Of course by the time we meet with the social worker, we will have had our follow up appointment with my RE and an entire month would have past, a lot can change in that time and perhaps I’ll have changed my mind again.

But for now, I’m keeping my options open and exploring all the avenue’s.

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12 Comments

  • Reply K

    I hear you… always holding you in my mind xxx

    October 25, 2009 at 7:44 am
  • Reply Mommy-In-Waiting

    I’m not surprised you’ve called ‘Time Out’. To have endured what you have and still want more than anything to be a mother, says you have so much love to share. However you get your family I’m positive you’re going to be a great mom!

    October 25, 2009 at 7:49 am
  • Reply Rach

    I hear you too….I don’t blame W for saying that and I believe it’s a truly wonderful thing he did say that, his words were an act of love.

    If we knew how things were going to turn out, we’d have started looking at adoption 5 years ago but we left it too late….

    Much love my friend
    xxxx

    October 25, 2009 at 11:23 am
  • Reply Esperanza

    I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now, but it seems very understandable that you are exploring other options. I hope that the meeting with the private adoption person goes well and that you feel good about what you’re told. I also hope that you have good experiences with your follow up RE appointment. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through after seven years and seven losses. Please know that you are in my heart and thoughts.

    October 25, 2009 at 8:47 pm
  • Reply Amy

    I’m sorry for all the pain that you’ve gone through. I think it is good that you are exploring your options as well as giving yourself permission to change your mind.

    October 25, 2009 at 11:02 pm
  • Reply Abs

    I get you and I get the situation. I can’t know exactly how you feel or what the decision means to you and W but this ART stuff really does have a shelf life….it reaches a point where it just starts to leave a bad taste in your mouth and even one more mouthful seems like too much! I think it’s great that you’ve made that appointment!

    October 26, 2009 at 8:38 am
  • Reply Gwen

    You must be physically and emotionally exhausted, and I can see why you feel you’ve had enough. Gathering information is good, you’re not burning any bridges or closing any doors by finding out more. Stay strong.

    October 26, 2009 at 11:12 am
  • Reply Denise

    Sharon, if you need to talk please contact me anytime – we’ve been through the same (OK not so many treatments) thing and are fostering a little boy who has brought enormous joy to our lives. We are looking to adopt him in 2 years time.

    It is an enormous decision with so many conflicting emotions but DH and I couldn’t be happier. We have also kept the IVF door open and are planning doing one early next year…

    October 26, 2009 at 1:39 pm
  • Reply charne

    good luck with the meeting up with the social worker!!! adoption is wonderful and a true blessing!!! and if you find the right social worker it is a wonderful wonderful expereicne!

    October 26, 2009 at 2:42 pm
  • Reply Jenny

    Good for you Shaz for exploring other ways to being a mom. Like Denise says – keep all the doors open and hopefully life will bring wonderful surprises.

    October 26, 2009 at 3:39 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    Way to go on considering all of your options. You always inspire me with your strength and your courage to keep moving forward. Sending love & support!

    October 27, 2009 at 5:01 am
  • Reply Happy Ending « The Lucky Life

    […] started questioning whether this journey was really worth it.  And Sharon herself came to a decision, slowly but surely, that she’d had enough of treatments and […]

    December 15, 2009 at 1:49 pm
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