One of the negative comments that often go hand in hand with adoption and with adoption sentiment is that adoption is a last resort in family creation after a long journey with infertility. It’s seen as a second best option when all other paths to family creation have been exhausted. What many people fail to see is that this sentiment is furtherest from the truth, while adoption may not be the first port of call for those of us who are…. breeder challenged, it is not a last resort option, but rather a refocus on what is important and changing direction in order to achieve the dream of parenting. I’ve long maintained that pregnancy does not make a parent and that too many people get too hung up on the idea of pregnancy and lose sight of the fact that pregnancy, like adoption is just another path to parenting.
For me, adoption was not a last resort, a refocus on a journey or any of the other common denominators that makes a couple look at adoption for family creation. In hindsight, the more years that are put between me and my years of fertility treatment, I see things differently, I have a much clearer view of why I went through what I did and of how it led me to where I am today, a mother of two gorgeous little girls. My journey,our journey, was about finding common ground, about having Walter and I be on the same page in terms of our journey to family creation.
I had my first miscarriage in September 2002, just a couple of months after we were married when I feel pregnant, accidentally while on honeymoon. You can read my summarized journey through infertility here: Broken To Blessed. But from the moment my first miscarriage was confirmed, I knew, in my heart of hearts, that the path to parenthood would not be an easy one for me, I knew my journey would be different. Call it intuition or a premonition but I knew from that day, that I wanted to adopt, that I was meant to adopt. Walter of course, thought I was totally crazy, he felt that we’d hardly even started on our journey to parenthood and here I was already wanting to adopt.
With each year that past and each miscarriage I suffered, my feelings about adoption grew stronger. But quite simply, Walter and I were not on the same page. Add to that, the mounds of misinformation surrounding adoption and everyone and his Aunt telling us how impossible it would be to adopt and you can understand that Walter was not ready to go down that path.
So we persevered through two fertility clinics, two surgeries, countless timed & medicated cycles, invasive tests, 5 IUI’s, 4 fresh IVF’s, 1 FET, loads of chemical pregnancies and 7 1st trimester miscarriages.
While I was absolutely obsessive about treatment, I had very little faith in it, in my heart, I never believed it would actually work for us, I just constantly felt called to adopt. But I was terrified of what that would entail. Through out all these treatments and surgeries and procedures, Walter never felt ready to consider adoption and it was only after my FET resulted in another miscarriage, when I told him I was done. I quit. I give up. To here and no further.
It was around the time of my 7th miscarriage that we also had to make the very painful decision to put our precious rescue dog down and it was those events that led to clarity for Walter re. adoption. You can read that amazing story here: Sometimes Clarity Comes From The Most Unlikely Sources.
It was only then that he was ready to refocus on our journey, it was only then that he was able to believe that regardless of the path to parenthood, the goal would remain unchanged even if the journey there would be different.
So the next time you make the assumption that adoption is the last resort, or second best choice, remember that often, our journey’s are about finding ourselves amidst the chaos and only then can our goals become clear and our journey’s definable.