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Am I Allowed To Revel In My Blessing?

Boy meets girl, they fall in love, they date, they get married, at some point they start talking about starting a family and at some point they start trying for a family. A month or two or three or perhaps a little longer passes and then one day they receive the joyful news that they are pregnant. Some of them may have to suffer through the grief and sadness of one or two miscarriages and then finally, their dream of a family is realized when they give birth and they all live happily ever after (well not exactly but you get the picture)….

But in all seriousness, that is how it goes for most couples, I know this is a seriously simplified version of course, but for most people the choice to start a family is a simple one. We all know what to do to make a baby and what the considerations are and once we’ve considered everything, the trying in earnest begins and at some point, we will have a baby. But for 10% of the population this is not the case.

For 10% of the population will be faced with the humiliation of thousands of tests, most of them invasive in ways that one can never imagine. We will discuss our sex lives, in detail, with strangers, we will try every lotion and potion and quack in an attempt to achieve the allusive dream of parenthood. We will have our hopes and dreams crushed, time and again, as we watch from the sidelines as our family and friends successfully start families or increase the size of their families. We will scrimp and scrape in an attempt to save for the endless rounds of invasive and hideously expensive fertility treatments. Some of us will have success and some of us will not.

Of the 10% of the population that will battle to conceive an even smaller percent is made up of people like me…………. with every miscarriage a woman has, her chances of having a successful pregnancy increase by 50% that is till she hits her 3rd miscarriage, from miscarriage number 3, her chances of a successful pregnancy decrease with each impending miscarriage, not great odds for someone who has had 7 miscarriages and a number of chemical pregnancies. The success rate, per attempt, of a stimulated, timed cycle are around 20 – 25%, we did in the region of 10+ timed stimulated cycle, none of which ever resulted in a positive pregnancy. The success rate for IUI is in the region of 25%, we did 3 of these, not one ever resulted in a positive pregnancy. The success rates for an IVF are in the region of 40 – 45%, we did 5 of these, only one resulted in a positive pregnancy which miscarried at 6 weeks.

Adoption is not an easy option either, once again, ones life is put under a microscope and analyzed by strangers, because we cannot conceive and have a child by conventional methods, we first have to prove that we are worthy and fit parents, unlike the millions of parents the world over who had sex to conceive, without having to prove they were fit or worthy parents. Once the profiling stage is over, one waits to be selected by a birth mom, all the while being reminded by all and sundry that the possibility of adopting a Caucasian baby is slim to none, of couples who wait years and years and years before being selected or never being selected at all. We waited all of 2 weeks before being selected and 3 weeks in total from profiling to the birth of our child.

Ok, so my point is this:

7.5 years of trying to conceive

7 miscarriages

Countless chemical pregnancies

10+ timed stimulated cycles

3 IUI’s

5 IVF’s

1 Successful adoption

Does the above look like the run of the mill boy meets girl story? Does this look like the fairytale we women dream about on our wedding days? So why is it that the world seems intent on taking away from what an incredible miracle my child is? Why can the world not just allow me to revel in the miracle of my child? Why when I say I am blessed by my miracle child can the world not just accept that in my world she is a miracle, the greatest miracle? Why does the world feel it necessary to remind me that all children are miracles when I have NEVER once said that they weren’t? Why can the world not allow me for once to revel in feeling special. I felt undeserving, unworthy for years while I watched everyone else have babies and I never felt worthy but now I have this incredible gift and for once I feel like I am worthy, I am deserving and yet there are still people in the world who want to tell me that I’m not that special, that my child is not that special that I’m not that worthy of this incredible miracle. And once again I say, in MY world, this is an incredible miracle.

Why does the world think I lessen the worth of their children when I speak of the value of my child in MY LIFE!?

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17 Comments

  • Reply tanyakov

    Are people prejudiced about the fact that Ava is adopted? How are people lessening your worth, or the miracle of this adoption? How terrible…

    August 19, 2010 at 9:47 am
    • Reply Sharon

      Not that exactly but if I say something like “I’m so blessed by my miracle child” then I get quick responses like “All children are miracles” or “All children are blessings”. And I have to stop myself from asking where in the hell I said that they weren’t???? Why can’t I just enjoy feeling blessed without feeling like others are trying to minimize my situation? Why can’t people just accept that in my world my child is the greatest blessing and miracle without feeling like they have to remind me that their children are miracles and blessing too. I’m not stupid, I get that all parents feel that way about their children but so why the need to take away from my experience? It is special, I didn’t have sex, fall pregnant and have a baby, I went to hell and back so why can’t I just enjoy it, feel special because of it without somebody always feeling that they have to remind me of the obvious?

      August 19, 2010 at 9:51 am
  • Reply skrambled

    I think it has a lot to do with ignorance and empathy. If someone hasn’t walked with you or been in a similar situation they will battle to understand.

    August 19, 2010 at 9:58 am
  • Reply aussiekim

    You are blessed Sharon and Ava is your miracle child, don’t allow anyone to rain on your parade or dampen your enthusiasm. If you wish to buy party blowers and scream it from mountain tops you can! You go girl!

    Squishy hugs

    Kimmie
    x

    August 19, 2010 at 10:08 am
  • Reply trishdg

    Yes of course Ava is your miracle child. Full stop. I think in this world there will always be people who try bring you down and unfortunately those are often the comments that stick with us. 10 people can tell you that you look good today and you will remember the one who said you look awful.

    August 19, 2010 at 10:19 am
  • Reply gailsnail

    Look what you went through to have that gorgeous little girl of yours. If she isn’t a miracle, I don’t know what is. Of course all children are special but when you think that you may never get to have one of your own, when they do eventually arrive, they are that little bit more special 🙂 Give that little miracle girl of yours a big kiss from me!

    August 19, 2010 at 10:46 am
  • Reply Mash

    OK I get it, I was going to ask the same as tanyakov.

    August 19, 2010 at 10:52 am
  • Reply Nisey

    i also saw the comment on your FB and thought it was a bit odd… some people just can’t help but make everything about themselves. you are showing gratitude for your miracle so they feel the need to get a word in and validate themselves. imo they are the types that always need to have the last word in every conversation on every topic!

    August 19, 2010 at 11:42 am
  • Reply tanyakov

    I hear what you’re saying. You have a great point.

    August 19, 2010 at 12:09 pm
  • Reply charminka

    You have every right to feel like you do!

    August 19, 2010 at 12:34 pm
  • Reply mrssee2

    I don’t think these kind of people deserve any of your time, effort or friendship. Or perhaps you are too sensitive about it. Either way, I would move on to other friends who you can have a mutually beneficial relationship with.

    I have learned that often friendships stay alive only because of the effort you make. Once you stop making an effort they fizzle out. And weren’t real friendships to start with.

    August 19, 2010 at 12:50 pm
  • Reply Me

    I think you’ve got every right to feel blessed. The people who say you shouldn’t say that, you can bet your bottom dollar that they have said the same thing about their children at one point or another.

    You have been to hell and back. And honestly, only someone who has been there could understand just WHAT a blessing Ava feels. I still think if we’re ever lucky enough, after 11 years ttc and 8 miscarriages, to have a child [regardless of how it came to us] that it will be surreal, unbelievable and yes I WOULD use that word “blessing” over and over again til even I got sick of hearing it but you know what, I wouldn’t care because I’d just be so happy.

    Sod the naysayers and enjoy in your miracle blessing.

    x

    August 19, 2010 at 1:09 pm
    • Reply talithasmom

      You dont even have to explain that my love.. who ever says that, is a fool. All children are a blessing yes but when you say that, you not saying it in comparison to anyone’s but talking about your child..in your life. What is it thats difficult to understand there, gosh people can be so…mean.
      Go ahead and revel minute by minute if you like bcos God did move a mountain for you and dh.. (After 7yrs of IF struggle, i still thank God everday for our miracle and i will never get over that.)

      Here’s to celebrating our blessings.. CHEERS***

      August 19, 2010 at 2:16 pm
  • Reply pandoragelb

    Our baby is the biggest miracle in our lives. Just like yours is in your life. How does anyone even feel the need to make a comment about your statement? What kind of sad lives do they have that they feel they have to take away from your joy? I have followed your blog for a while, as you know, and I am definately going to keep my FB ‘friends’ to family and very close friends only. I am learning from your experience!
    So, don’t let them minimize your joy, rather pity them that they are unhappy with their lot.

    August 19, 2010 at 2:05 pm
  • Reply orbit365

    I saw that comment on FB and it also affected me. Of course your daughter is a miracle and of course you are allowed to revel in her. I love it when you revel in her. It’s one of the reasons that I come back to read your blog. As I said in a previous comment, your little AVA forever changed MY perception on miracles. And if this is how she makes me feel then I cannot even begin to imagine the AWE that you experience on a daily basis. Your girlie is a miracle, her entire conception and being is a miracle, the way she came into your life (and mine) is a miracle. Do not ever stop revelling in it. And don’t allow anyone to “steal” your joy about it.
    xxx

    August 19, 2010 at 6:37 pm
  • Reply hayley

    Why? Why? Why? do people do this???
    You have every right to revel in your amazing blessing…go right ahead we are all here enjoying right along side you, in the internet 🙂

    August 19, 2010 at 8:33 pm
  • Reply coachmarcia

    Now I’m curious 🙂

    What exactly was said on FB? LOL

    I agree with a previous commenter, to me it sounds like a person who has to have the last word in…always.

    August 20, 2010 at 10:21 am
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