Call me a sucker for punishment but I can’t seem to stop watching the documentary series – A Child Against All Odds. I watched it again lat night & had the same reaction as I’d had the previous times. As soon as the show started and they introduced the two women, one aged 35 with high FSH using an egg donor program in Russia and the other aged 41 battling through her 3rd IVF, the tears started coming and they continued to roll down my cheeks for the entire hour. Its a really great documentary but there is one thing that I feel they have not covered. They don’t show the anguish of the 2ww. They don’t show the agony of wondering if your embryo’s have lived or died, they don’t show how every one of us over analyzes every twinge as a possible sign or symptom of pregnancy. They don’t show the days where we’re super physced and positive and convinced its going to work, followed by days trapped in a back hole convinced its all failed. They don’t show the bruises from all the daily injections, they don’t show the discomfort of walking around like a chicken with no where to lay all her eggs. While I feel this is an excellent documentary about the science behind and reasons behind IVF, I don’t feel it truly gets to grips with the massive emotional & physical investment an IVF is which for me is disappointing because it falls short in terms of educating people in the difficulties of an IVF. I’m sure those out there who’ve never had an IVF probably think you get slightly tearful at a setback or a failed IVF and then you just try again. Its so not like that, at least not for me anyway. A failed IVF is followed by weeks, if not months of sadness, of depression, of feelings of uselessness, of massive disapointment in my body’s inability to do what so many women do so easily and to do what is taken foregratnted by so many.
Of course my emotion was made worse yesterday by my darling husbands reminder to me of just how long we’ve been doing this. A full seven years, we’re into our eighth year trying and sometimes I really can’t believe it hasn’t happened yet. Sometimes I wonder to myself it ones chance for success is not made less and less the longer one tries. So today I look very pretty, all thick eyed and baggy from all the crying last night.
But on a happier note, please head on over to my friend, Maritza’s blog, and go and wish her well, she received the news of her BFP yesterday! Congratulations my friend, we’re rooting for you! Your GIFT success has made me even more determined than ever to give GIFT a shot in the New Year!