An Odd Reaction

achildagainstalloddsI watched the second episode in the BBC Documentary last night – A Child Against All Odds, it was a really appropriate episode as it focused mostly on Frozen Embryo Transfer, the process, success rates and shared the journey’s of three different women. What was truly weird was my reaction to the show and I’m hoping that you, dear reader, can shed some light on my rather bizarre reaction.

So let me explain. I’ve had 4 IVF’s, one cancelled due to no fertilization and three negative IVF’s. I’ve been poked & prodded, I’ve been jabbed and jabbed myself with needles, I’ve had Intralipid infusions, I’ve been conscious for some of my egg retrievals, we’ve done PGD and heard the devastating news of chromosomal abnormalities. Through all of that, the only times I’ve cried was on hearing the news of the cancelled and negative beta tests. The rest of the time, I’ve gritted my teeth, hardened my resolve and gotten the job done. I’ve offered support to others going through IVF, I’ve talked about my IVF’s, I’ve blogged about my IVF’s, I’ve shared experiences about my IVF’s and its all been very matter of fact. So why then, when watching a documentary about other women, women I do not personally know, why is it that when watching these women go for their scans, have injections get the news of egg retrievals and fertilization reports, am I completely unable to control the sobs that burst out of me? Last night I cried about IVF for the first time since my IVF failed in March. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and when the sobbing stopped it was replaced by great big crocodile tears that slid their way down my cheeks, into the corners of my mouth and down my neck.

I cannot explain or understand my reaction. W kept asking if I was ok and I kept saying I’m sorry I don’t know why watching other women on TV have IVF is so unbearably painful for me. Seriously, I’m confused by this reaction!

And even though I’m super psyched for my FET which could start within the next couple of days, after my reaction last night that excitement is also tinged with a little bit of fear. I’m so afraid of being plunged back into that dark pit of despair should the next round fail.

August 7, 2009
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11 Comments

  • Reply Lea White

    Take a deep breath and focus on one day at a time and one step at a time and stop those “what ifs” that creep into your mind. When they come, focus on something else like your puppies because those “what ifs” are designed to make us doubt ourselves and make us fearful. Remember that what is different this time is that you are with a good clinic and your FET will be a good quality one.

    I think your reaction is so perfectly normal. I can’t tell you how often I sat sobbing watching some YouTube videos and watching documentaries.

    Hugs, thoughts and prayers.

    August 7, 2009 at 9:40 am
  • Reply Abbey

    Sharon, Your reaction is so natural and so understandable. It’s easier to cry for others, we dont have to be strong for them like we have to be for ourselves. Looking in from the outside for a change allows us to see the sadness for what it is. It’s good that you had a cry. I’m bummed I missed this documentary….will try to find it with my PVR thingie ;0)

    August 7, 2009 at 10:03 am
  • Reply Sue

    It’s compassion. No-one understands more than someone who has expereinced the same things herself.

    August 7, 2009 at 11:14 am
  • Reply Cindy

    Sometimes it’s just little things that set me off crying…and crying…and crying.

    And I’m terrified about my FET…in the sense that I am taking action that will once again throw off my sense of equilibrium and send me spinning off into heaven or hell.

    August 7, 2009 at 11:40 am
  • Reply Rach

    Oh thats an easy question to answer!?!

    You let yourself feel what these women were going through, it’s easy when it’s not you.

    You shut your own feelings down when it came to your IVF, if you didn’t let yourself feel it then it wouldn’t affect you half as much.

    And you know what? It’s all perfectly NORMAL.

    And good luck for the FET!

    xxx

    August 7, 2009 at 11:58 am
  • Reply Invivo

    Clearly your buttons got pressed when your guard was down. It’s good to cry, let off steam, prep yourself for your upcoming FET.

    Think happy popsickle thoughts now, mkay?

    August 7, 2009 at 3:23 pm
  • Reply Hollie

    Sweetie, feel what you are feeling, its okay! Any emotion is totally okay. You might have some pent up emotions and the show triggered them.
    I pray so hard that your FET is successful!

    August 7, 2009 at 4:02 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    Your compassion gave you a safe outlet for everything you have felt as you’ve traveled through the land of IF. You could let any sorrow and grief felt out without it becoming overwhelming because, in this case, it wasn’t happening to you.

    August 7, 2009 at 4:10 pm
  • Reply Kristen's Raw

    I’m so sorry for your pain. Who the heck knows what triggers these things? Perhaps because you’re looking at it from the outside and in of people having it done, rather than just talking about it with people… being a voyeur and seeing it on TV might just what creates an emotional situation.

    I wish you the best!!!!!! I’ve written about my own experiences on my blog if you’re interested (starting July 22 post).

    It’s so hard for me to offer advice because I know when people tell me how to respond or react or what to do, it rarely ever seems attractive. I miscarried this week after a successful Mini-IVF transfer in June and I’ve been spending my time relaxing in the sun, swimming under the full moon, filling my body with amazing nutrients and healthy foods, getting massages from my husband to help squish out some of these drug toxins from the procedure, researching vaccines and writing a birth plan (I want to get those last two things done before I get pregnant again). So… I’m basically healing, cleansing, and staying busy to get me through the days.

    Big hugs!!!
    I’m off to try and watch the documentary… I hadn’t heard of it before this.

    ~Kristen

    August 8, 2009 at 7:53 am
  • Reply Kirsty

    I watched this series when I was in the UK. It made me cry, and I have never suffered IF or endured any IF treatments. I think it’s just so sad to watch people suffer and to see such raw emotions. And when you can relate to it so closely, like you can, it must hit a nerve.
    I hope the cry did you a world of good and has released anything you were keeping bottled up. It’s good to let go of those emotions. I will be praying for you through your FET cycle x

    August 8, 2009 at 6:38 pm
  • Reply DD

    This happens to me, too, when I watch those documentaries,even when the outcome is good. It just sucks to see that pain in someone else. It makes us see ourselves.

    August 9, 2009 at 5:03 am
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