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Another (AWESOME) First

I got pregnant the 1st time while we were on honeymoon. Prior to that, while I’d always looked forward to the day that I would be a mother, I didn’t have the same intense, desperate longing for motherhood, that only developed after my 1st pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. Being a single mom was not something I had considered for myself, so my desire for a child only really came into full bloom after I was married and after it became apparent that this would be somewhat of a challenge.

As a result, I have never really been able to loose myself in other people’s joy and good fortune. Not because I didn’t want to but because despite how happy I was that a friend/family member was pregnant and/or having a baby, it was always tinged with sadness at our inability to maintain a pregnancy or to achieve the dream of parenthood. For more than 7 years others happy news would leave me feeling sad for me. Happy for them, but sad for me. And as the years wore on and the knocks became harder to bare, my happiness for others began to wane too. I was in so much emotional pain it just became harder and harder to hear the happy news of others pregnancies and/or babies births without having the announcement be followed by a bout of deep, dark, depression and feelings of hopelessness.

Almost 2 years since Ava’s birth and a lot has changed for me. I’m free of those feelings of sadness and depression, other people’s pregnancy announcements no longer leave me feeling sad or inadequate. And now for the first time since Ava’s birth, someone close to me, not just close as in emotionally close, but someone who is physically close to me, as in lives less than a KM from my house, is having a baby – Sian! What I mean is, this is the first baby being born, since Ava’s birth, to someone who is close to me, someone who I see on a regular basis and talk to often. And it has been so freeing to be able to fully immerse myself in their joy and to be 100% joyful for them. Without having any feelings of sadness or inadequacy. I spent a couple of hours with them last night, drinking champagne, answering questions about my own experience and what they could expect, reminiscing on Ava’s arrival, crying great big tears of joy.

It’s the first time in a decade (almost 8 years TTC & almost 2 years since Ava’s birth) that I’ve been free of my own emotional baggage and free to just be and to just be joyful. I was talking to Walter about it this morning, how truly strange it feels. I keep wanting to poke my heart, to make sure nothing hurts, it’s that odd for me to finally, after so many years be entirely and completely free of that baggage and that emotional pain.

To just be joyful… without any pain…. to be joyful… with no feelings of anything except joy… to be joyful…. without a twinge of anything… to be joyful *period*

 

 

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8 Comments

  • Reply Mash

    I think that when someone who is IF gets news of a baby, it’s so much more exciting anyway. It shouldn’t be, but it is! Sian’s news is really rocking my world, and I’ve never even met her!

    September 23, 2011 at 3:46 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    I am so very glad for you.

    September 23, 2011 at 4:07 pm
  • Reply Kimmie

    This post just makes me smile!

    September 24, 2011 at 12:23 am
  • Reply Em's mommy

    yay!! so happy for you Shaz

    wow and how cool that you and Sian live close to each other, never realised it was so close!! awesomeness!!! your miracle kiddies can grow up together and always have each other for support, that is just so amazing!!

    so happy they had you to answer questions and to celebrate with
    xxxx

    September 24, 2011 at 6:55 am
  • Reply Robyn

    My friend – I hear you so loud and clear! The last few days have been an eye opener for me too. I have never been happier for someone having a baby. xxx

    September 24, 2011 at 10:18 am
  • Reply darylfaure

    Yes, I understand how you feel – I feel it too. Pure joy! As I sit and type this I am wondering how they are doing and what they are feeling and I just get goosebumps. And I have never met her, but I feel so close to her.

    September 24, 2011 at 2:56 pm
  • Reply To Love Bella

    I realised this for the first time a few weeks ago when someone announced their pg. I braced myself for the twang, but.. NOTHING! It was liberating!
    I think the other happiness that we carry – particularly in Sian’s case – is knowing how beautiful adoption is. And knowing that someone you hold so dear is going through the exact things that we went through. Knowing what that happy place is and being totally over the moon that they are ‘there’ now. I just love it. Seeing the expression on her face in that pic on FB of her holding her son – there are just no words.
    Give her an extra love from me when you see her, won’t you? xxxxx

    September 26, 2011 at 7:54 am
  • Reply Julia

    This post made me smile. I am so happy that you can finally be happy. You have come full circle and that is just WONDERFUL.xxx

    September 28, 2011 at 8:49 pm
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