I got pregnant the 1st time while we were on honeymoon. Prior to that, while I’d always looked forward to the day that I would be a mother, I didn’t have the same intense, desperate longing for motherhood, that only developed after my 1st pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. Being a single mom was not something I had considered for myself, so my desire for a child only really came into full bloom after I was married and after it became apparent that this would be somewhat of a challenge.
As a result, I have never really been able to loose myself in other people’s joy and good fortune. Not because I didn’t want to but because despite how happy I was that a friend/family member was pregnant and/or having a baby, it was always tinged with sadness at our inability to maintain a pregnancy or to achieve the dream of parenthood. For more than 7 years others happy news would leave me feeling sad for me. Happy for them, but sad for me. And as the years wore on and the knocks became harder to bare, my happiness for others began to wane too. I was in so much emotional pain it just became harder and harder to hear the happy news of others pregnancies and/or babies births without having the announcement be followed by a bout of deep, dark, depression and feelings of hopelessness.
Almost 2 years since Ava’s birth and a lot has changed for me. I’m free of those feelings of sadness and depression, other people’s pregnancy announcements no longer leave me feeling sad or inadequate. And now for the first time since Ava’s birth, someone close to me, not just close as in emotionally close, but someone who is physically close to me, as in lives less than a KM from my house, is having a baby – Sian! What I mean is, this is the first baby being born, since Ava’s birth, to someone who is close to me, someone who I see on a regular basis and talk to often. And it has been so freeing to be able to fully immerse myself in their joy and to be 100% joyful for them. Without having any feelings of sadness or inadequacy. I spent a couple of hours with them last night, drinking champagne, answering questions about my own experience and what they could expect, reminiscing on Ava’s arrival, crying great big tears of joy.
It’s the first time in a decade (almost 8 years TTC & almost 2 years since Ava’s birth) that I’ve been free of my own emotional baggage and free to just be and to just be joyful. I was talking to Walter about it this morning, how truly strange it feels. I keep wanting to poke my heart, to make sure nothing hurts, it’s that odd for me to finally, after so many years be entirely and completely free of that baggage and that emotional pain.
To just be joyful… without any pain…. to be joyful… with no feelings of anything except joy… to be joyful…. without a twinge of anything… to be joyful *period*