Anxiety About Waiting

alarm-clock

Since making the decision to pursue adoption, I’ve spent a lot of time reading adoption support forums and the one thing that struck me is that one cannot estimate when you will be selected by a birth mother. There are women that waited a month, women that waited 15 months and women who are still waiting after 5 years. We will not be able to wait that long, if we are not selected in the next two and a half years, it will be over for us. In two and a half years I hit the big 40 and from the reading I’ve done, could potentially be booted off the list because of my age. Its all very confusing to find information on this subject. Some resources say 40, some resources say 45 and some say 50.

I’m trying not to let that fact freak me out too badly. I’m trying not to have regrets about waiting so long to finally pursue this route. What will be will be right? If we’re not selected within the right time frame, I will be left with no alternative but to accept that we will never be parents. It’s a very daunting thought, one that causes me a tremendous amount of anxiety.  I cannot imagine being 50 never mind trying to parent a child at that age, I also can’t imagine having to wait that long or finally getting the call and turning it down because I was 50! The one thing in our favor *dripping sarcasm* is that we don’t have any children, apparently its better this way for the adoption route.

I do have some regrets about the last 7 & a half years. I regret wasting to much time and money at my previous clinic, but 20/20 vision comes with hind sight doesn’t it? I wish I’d never gone there to start with. The treatment I’ve received from Vitalab is above and beyond anything that previous clinic ever offered me. I wish when we’d first starting talking about adoption we’d started pursuing it then, I was 34 at the time, this could all be over by now. I regret not listening  to W, the glass is half empty man, he has maintained from the beginning that fertility treatment does not work. I always shrugged off his negativity and strengthened my resolve to prove him wrong. Then I did this post earlier this week and when he read it, his exact response was:  “See I told you, fertility treatment does not work!” and I’ve had to concede that perhaps he is right? (edited to say: just want to clarify, W’s comment RE. fertility treatment… he’s referring to us when he says it does not work. And I have to agree, how many timed cycles, 3 IUI’s and 5 IVF’s with one BFP and 7mc’s.)

But I guess there is no point in dwelling on regrets. We can only look to the future and hope for the best, there’s also no point in being utterly terrified over something we cannot control.

November 6, 2009
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14 Comments

  • Reply Lea White

    One thing I do want to say and it is something I read in a book “you can only make the best decisions with the information you have at the time” – and that is what you did the last number of years, even if you regret some of those decisions. You made the best decisions with the information you had at the time.

    I don’t know much about the adoption process, but I can imagine how very stressful it must be, how lengthy the process. I am currently reading a blog (http://www.myspecialks.com) of a lady who feels she was called to adopt a child in another country and I must say I find it quite informative reading about the processes they have to follow and how they are describing every process of the way.

    Sharon, I pray that your dream of motherhood will become fulfilled. I pray that before you know it you will look back with happiness and wonder at how everything worked the way you are hoping.

    Lots of love, hugs, thoughts and prayers!!!

    November 6, 2009 at 6:23 am
  • Reply SassyCupcakes

    Adoption programs are so different it’s really hard to get a clear idea of what’s what. Have you decided if you’d prefer International Adoption or Domestic Adoption? What options do you have over there?

    I know it’s scary, but you know, you have an awesome life ahead of you regardless.

    November 6, 2009 at 7:54 am
  • Reply sassy

    I guess the waiting game folloçws you, eh? I really hope a birth mother ‘falls in love with you’ and quickly, and that it will not drag on forever.

    November 6, 2009 at 8:36 am
  • Reply Abs

    I think that making the decision is already half the battle won Sharon. Don’t get me wrong….it by no means takes away any of the pain or regret from the past or gives you any certainty about the future but it does enable you to move forward and gives you a dream and a hope to hold close to your heart when you are hurting. I can’t imagine how any birth mother could look at you and Walter (and especially little Dexie) and not want the child to become part of your family. I hope and pray that the wait will be short my friend. xxx

    November 6, 2009 at 9:03 am
  • Reply Dee

    Sadly Hindsight is always 20/20 but you are on the path now so dont have any regrets.

    I think fertility treatment CAN work BUT you need to get the secret combination that seems to elude quite a few people!

    November 6, 2009 at 9:45 am
  • Reply Rach

    “his exact response was: “See I told you, fertility treatment does not work!” and I’ve had to concede that perhaps he is right?”

    The thing about fertility treatments is that they do work for some but not for others and the only way you will find out which catergory you fall into is by trying them – as you found out.

    I hear you on the age thing re adoption…though that being said we’re thinking and only thinking about looking into local adoption but don’t know.

    xxx

    November 6, 2009 at 11:13 am
  • Reply Cindy

    Still…you’ve waited long enough. I hope this next part of your journey is filled with minimum waits. I hope that for once your dream comes true quickly and with as little angst as possible. I want you to have peace.

    November 6, 2009 at 1:14 pm
  • Reply Invivo

    I pray that you will find a place of comfort and safety in your heart that will carry you through this leg of the journey. May it be short and sweet.

    November 6, 2009 at 2:51 pm
  • Reply Susan

    Sharon,

    Do they have foster adoption where you are? Here in the US, I met a nice lady who got an 8 month old boy. He was not taken care of by his birth mother and he was then placed in a temporary care. The birth mother ended up loosing her rights, and this lady I met adopted him. It didn’t cost her a cent (plus she was paid to take care of him), and he was adopted in less than a year. He is now 2.5 years old, and he is so beautiful and cute! She said he was worth the wait.

    November 6, 2009 at 8:25 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    Hoping and praying that you won’t have to wait much longer to see your dream fulfilled. Keep on putting one foot in front of the other. I think it’s awesome that you’re moving forward!

    November 7, 2009 at 5:20 am
  • Reply Kristin

    Hey hon, contact Lori over at Weebles Wobblog http://www.weebleswobblog.com/ . She is an EXPERT at writing adoptive parent profiles!

    November 7, 2009 at 7:06 am
  • Reply C

    I hope your wait won’t be too long, you have waited long enough now!

    November 7, 2009 at 4:45 pm
  • Reply SCY

    Here’s to a short wait my friend! xxx

    November 9, 2009 at 9:24 am
  • Reply charne

    remember all agencies requirements are different…. so dont believe ALL you read… also the info out there on adoption is not always accurate, my adive? if you have questions ask your social workes and dont believe all that is written out there

    xxx

    November 9, 2009 at 4:09 pm
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