I’ve really been struggling with my anxiety the last few weeks. Yesterday, it was so bad, my hands literally shook from the time I woke up, I struggled to breathe normally and had a constant knot in my stomach the whole day yesterday.
So what’s making me anxious? Everything and nothing in particular. I guess that’s the fun about having GAD (general anxiety disorder). Everything and nothing can make me anxious. Sometimes I just get anxious for the sake of being anxious, most of the time I don’t even know why I’m anxious, I just am. Sometimes I get anxious about the fact that I have nothing to be anxious about!
The current state of world affairs is not making it any better, I suspect that the reason why my anxiety has been in overdrive over the past couple of weeks is because of all the ugly going on in the world. War. Plane crashes. Children being dragged behind high jacked cars, Ebola break outs. Add it all together and I’m just a bundle of anxiety.
This affects my sleep patterns, I’ve been having the most appalling nightmares the last few nights and I suspect that Ava is picking up on this and it’s affecting her too because she too has been plagued my nightmares. Two nights ago, she woke us up in the middle of the night because she’s dreamt she was drowning and I was walking/running on water trying to save her.
Since my PADS (post adoption depression syndrome) diagnosis a few years ago, I’ve been on Cipralex, which is apparently a great anti depressant as it also helps with GAD. I’m pretty sure without these meds I’d have landed up in a padded sell, curled in the foetal position. I don’t even want to think about how bad this stretch of anxiety would be without my medication.
The problem with my anxiety is that if I battle with it for long stretches, I start to feel hopeless and that hopelessness can easily bring on another bout of depression. It’s really not fun.
I’ve been struggling with feeling very “blah” for a few weeks now and felt myself start the slow downward spiral and then this weekend something happened which seems to have lifted my spirits and, to a lesser degree, restored my faith in our humanity.
One of our social workers, who did Ava’s placement, contacted me on Sunday for help. She has a birth mom who gave birth to a preemie last week and now this birth mom wanted to donate her breast milk for preemies but she didn’t have a breast pump, nor did she have the funding for one either. Our SW contacted me to ask me if I could use my online presence to try and secure a breast pump for this birth mom.
I put the word out on my Face Book page and on Twitter on Sunday morning and was overwhelmed by the response! I stopped counting the offers for donated breast pumps when we got to 10. There were way more individuals than that who were wanting to donate and even two South African company’s offered assistance with loan & sponsored breast pumps. A big fat brand plus and shout out to Nuk South Africa and Medela South Africa who, no questions asked, immediately offered support and assistance!
To all of you who shared, networked and offered assistance, a massive thank you. Not only have we helped an amazing birth mom with the wonderful donation of her breast milk to the most vulnerable of preemie babies, but you helped me feel better too and reminded me that no matter what the ugly is going on in the world, there is beauty too, sometimes we just have to search a little to find it!