Like so many of my Infertile and KuKd sisters, I’m often surprised and hurt by the thoughtless and stupid comments and suggestions that are made by well meaning individuals, but what is even more surprising is when these hurtful comments and statements come from a fellow infertile. Yesterday I received a comment on my blog that really hurt my feelings and got me thinking. A well meaning fellow infertile messaged me to tell me I should not call myself infertile because I have been pregnant a number of times, although some of them landed up being miscarraiges and that while I was TTC naturally, she was having to endure rounds of IUI. I can’t tell you how that message felt like a slap in the face, it felt like somebody had punched me in the stomach and even though said individual may read my blog and come across this posting, I really need to get this off my chest in order to let go of the anger I felt over those statements.
For starters, to say some of my pregnancies ended in miscarriage would mean that said individual must think I have a child. Which I don’t. Not some of my pregnancies ended in miscarriage, all of my pregnancies ended in miscarriage, every single one of them. SIX times! Six times, I’ve been fortunate enough to see the second line on an HPT, six times I’ve been telephoned by my Gynae or FS with the wonderful news of doubling beta’s, six times I’ve gone for my six week scan and heard the Dr sigh and felt my heart break because I knew what was coming next. Six time I’ve had B-HCG blood tests done every second day, sometimes for weeks on end as dropping of the HCG levels is monitored. Six times I’ve endured the unbearable cramps and pain of a miscarriage. Six times I’ve thought my heart would break and that I’d never be able to smile again, never be normal again. Six times I’ve wished I were dead rather than have to face the pain of surviving one more moment of my loss. So am I really that lucky to have seen the second line on an HPT six times? Am I luckier than my fellow IF sisters because I’ve received the good news of a pregnancy?
Secondly, I call myself infertile because I always believed that being infertile was being unable to have a child, so far I’ve been unable to have a child, surely that makes me just as infertile as my fellow IF sister who’ve never been pregnant? The only difference between you and me is that when you’ve received the good news of your pregnancy you will believe it to be the happiest day of your life, for me, that is when true terror sets in. Night sweats, heart palpitations, nightmares, panic attacks and constant obsessing about when I”m going to see the blood. Do you know that my FS has already informed me that when I get the wonderful news of my next pregnancy they are going to put me on medication to try and control my anxiety levels because of the impact it has on my blood pressure and on the pregnancy? I have to ask, am I luckier than my fellow never been pregnant IF sister because of the beautiful way that I get to experience a pregnancy?
Thirdly, for those of you who have not read the “about me” section in my blog, here’s a quick recap: 6 first trimester miscarriages, countless chemical pregnancies, 2 laproscopies, 1 hysterscopy, 1 D&C, 1 HSG, 1 Office Hysterscopy, more timed and stimulated cycles than I can even count, 1 long protocol IVF with PGD, 1 “natural” IVF, 1 short protocol IVF with immune modification, 1 tubal ligation, more blood tests than most human beings have in a lifetime, HLA studies, Genetic Counselling, 2 PC Tests. And I shouldn’t call myself infertile?
I’m so sorry if this posting comes across as angry, but I really am angry. To tell me I’m not infertile is like saying just relax and you’ll get pregnant, or take a vacation, or my favorite one, just adopt and then it will happen. Those are the ones that we all know, but there are some extra special ones reserved just for us KuKd sisters: “At least you lost the baby now and not later” Really? I’m so glad that there are better times to loose a baby. “There was probably something wrong with it” Well IT was my baby that I loved with all my heart, I had dreams and aspirations for IT that were shattered when I lost IT.And my most favorite comment of them all: “At least you know you can fall pregnant” Wow, yes, I’m so glad I know I can fall pregnant and have miscarriages, that has brought me soooo much closer to achieving my dream of having a child.
Infertility is hard for all of us, whether you’ve been trying for a year or for 10 years, whether you have primary infertility or secondary infertility, whether you have male factor or female factor, whether you’ve never been pregnant or suffered multiple pregnancy losses. I hate it when I log onto support forums or blogs where some people think that they are more entitled to their pain than somebody else and when they deliberately say things to make others feel like we should pity them more because they’ve been through more. Hurt is hurt, infertility is infertility, it doesn’t come in varying degrees, you either can have a child or your can’t, regardless of your prognosis or treatment. So please well meaning individual, don’t ever trivialize or minimize the pain and hurt and longing of a fellow infertile and KuKd sister.