Battling

Posted in Infertility by

Since yesterday the anxiety I always experience while waiting for the results of an IVFkicked in. The frantic pantie checking started somewhere in the middle of the night, you know when you sit there with a wad of toilet paper in you hand, your eyes scrunched closed, praying that when you look down you won’t see any traces of blood or anything else that couldbe misconstrued as spotting. The desire to start doing home pregnancy tests is absolutleyoverwhelming, I’m literally white knuckling it through this desire to know and to know now. Every now and again I have to remind myself to take long, deep breaths because I catch myself holding my breathand feel my heart beat start to accelerate as I re-live all the failed IVF’s from the past. How I knew each of them had failed, that moment when I knew, the emotions I experienced.

Of course what’s not helping is the fact that my OHSSsymptoms have all but disappeared, I keep wishing they’d return with vengeance, this is mostly because my RE informed me that OHSS often bodes well for a positive result and that in 50% of cases, after implantation, the OHSS symptoms return. I want to fall into that category, I don’t care about the pain, the pain will offer me comfort, it will offer me hope that the treatment has worked, I don’t care if passing urine makes me want to faint, if walking becomes agony and changing positions in bed makes me want to cry, bring it, I need the comfort of it. I also know that by now, given that we did a 5 day transfer, one of two things has occurred- one or bothof my beautiful embryo’s has implanted or one or both of my beautiful embryo’s has died.

I’m 4 days past transfer, experience has taught me that if this treatment has failed, somewhere in the next 3 days I will start to see blood, its W’s birthday in 2 days, God please, don’t let his birthday be ruined because of failed treatment. The last IVF, I started to spot exactly 5 days after transfer, my then clinic had the cheek to tell me it was impossible, it was too soon. Well here’s something I’ve learnt after 7 years of trying to have a baby, my body has very strong cycles, no amount of manipulation or hormones can over ride those cycles. My period has started on the 28thday of my natural cycle with both of my previous IVF’s. The first IVF was 7 days past transfer, the second IVF was 5 days past transfer.

As you can see, I’m failing miserably at having faith, its way harder to put into practise than to just talk about, I’m not even sure I have hope right now, both hope and faith are too scary to face at this moment in time. I’ve started to think that hope and faith are for the people who’ve actually received a positive pregnancy test from some form of fertility treatment, not for people like me, who despite being pregnant numerous times, has never actually achieved a pregnancy from fertility treatment. I’ve joked in the past that I’m like that anti-patient, what works in theory for others does not work for me, I really really want to be wrong this time.

Another day paralysed by all the what if’s………..

March 21, 2009
Previous Post Next Post

13 Comments

  • Reply jan

    sharry Im sitting here with tears streaming down for what you are going through- please just try to hold onto any little shred of faith,hope -whatever you can get your hands on 😉 and hold on tight you MUST try to stay positive at this time! huge hugs to you my friend. xxx

    March 21, 2009 at 8:24 am
  • Reply Lea White

    Praying, praying, praying!!!!!!!!!!

    March 21, 2009 at 8:40 am
  • Reply Elize

    Sharon, I didn’t want to say so last night, but in my experience faith seems impossible if you’ve never had a positive outcome. Your self esteem takes a serious knock everytime things turn out bad, you hope you believe and you even give thanks and it seems like it was all for nothing. Try not to beat yourself up about not having faith, you’re under enough strain as it is. Being positve or not is not going to change the outcome, it has already been determined, all you’re now waiting for is to know the outcome. And that is the hardest part of it all. I’m praying for you constantly and hope that all will work out like it should and that W’s birthday will be a time of cautious optimism. (((Hugs)))

    March 21, 2009 at 9:52 am
  • Reply Amanda

    Thinking of you Sharon.

    March 21, 2009 at 9:53 am
  • Reply Invivo

    Thinking of you babes…

    M xxx

    March 21, 2009 at 11:16 am
  • Reply Yvonne

    Oh Shaz I wish I could be of some use here…but please know we’re all rooting for you. This *has* to work.

    HUGS and strength, and as always kup !!!

    xxxxxx

    March 21, 2009 at 1:46 pm
  • Reply 'Murgdan'

    Just thinking of you and sending you a hug…

    March 21, 2009 at 2:06 pm
  • Reply Carrie

    I am thinking of you too, and hoping some of that anxiety abates. I understand that fear of finding spotting- I have had not nearly as many miscarriages as you (I am so so sorry, my dear) but each pregnancy brings the terror of the “what if”…

    You are so strong and will get through this. It sounds like your new doctor and protocol have been great changes so far!

    Hugs,
    Carrie
    Thanks so much for the comment! I don’t know anyone else with OHSS… it totally blows.

    March 21, 2009 at 5:52 pm
  • Reply Michelle

    I know you must be having such a hard time right now. Waiting can be agony! I am hoping that everything works out for you this time. Good Luck to you!

    March 21, 2009 at 7:32 pm
  • Reply mamasoon

    Hi! Just found your blog. I see you are in the 2ww and doing intralipids. I am wishing you a big fattie of a positive! Good luck, dear.

    March 21, 2009 at 10:55 pm
  • Reply stacey

    I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. I can’t imagine the wait for you right now. I am keeping you in my prayers! Although I’ve never been through IVF, I do know how hard it is to truly have faith and believe it will happen after such great disappointment. The hardest thing is to actually act on that faith!

    I’m expecting great things for you, Sharon. I don’t want you to feel as if you’re being set up for a fall or that you have to live up to so many expectations. I know that you will continue to reach others and be the amazing person that you are no matter how this turns out.
    BIG HUGS and prayers to you in these next few days!!

    March 22, 2009 at 2:56 am
  • Reply CeCe Garrett

    praying .. even when you can’t? at least one of us reading is praying for you. So… its ok if youre freaking out.. someone somewhere has you lifted up all the time. Hugs.

    March 22, 2009 at 4:55 am
  • Reply ^WiseGuy^

    2ww is a hell. A living, creeping, ticking hell.

    Praying for you.

    March 22, 2009 at 6:39 am
  • I LOVE comments, leave yours here:

    You may also like

    %d bloggers like this: