Being a Survivor

I have come to realize, since Ava’s arrival in our lives, what being a survivor is. Before we were blessed with this beautiful child, I always knew that regardless of whether we had a child or not, infertility would always be a part of my life, an integral part of who I am.

What I had not expected was the deep and lasting effect it would have on me. I’ve started thinking that being an infertility survivor can, on some levels, be compared to being a cancer survivor or a rape survivor. While going through the ordeal, we pray for strength to make it through, we pray for courage to face whatever is coming our way, we pray for healing, we long for the time when it will be over but when it is over, we live with the horror of what it was and is on a daily basis, forever changed by the effect it has had on us.

Infertility is still having an effect on my life, it still impacts on me daily. I still think about it, I’m still saddened by it. I still talk about it, with my friends, with my family with my husband. It impacts on the type of mother that I am. Part of me wishes I could run away from it. When I listen to my friends who are still walking its ugly beaten path, a part of me wishes I could cover my ears and my eyes and scream for silence. But I can’t, I have to accept its here to stay. It still impacts my life daily, I still see the full force of the misery and grief it inflicts on the people closest to me. I still remember the misery and grief it inflicted on me and in some ways still is.

It has a profound effect on our decision to have a second baby. Walter and I have a plan for the hoped second baby, but it was a plan that has been formulated completely around our infertility.

I’m an infertility survivor, I have the scars to prove it, I have the will and the desires to live in spite of it, but I am forever changed because of it.


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