Blindsided! And Then An Affirmation

I turn 40 in just over 6 months time. I’ve been pregnant 7 times and have had in excess of 10 chemical pregnancies. Of my 7 viable pregnancies (beta counts in excess of 200 on the day of missed period) only one of these was achieved with the assistance of fertility treatment. The remaining 6 pregnancies were all naturally conceived, without intervention and all of them before my 34th birthday.

So you can imagine my shock when last week I started having THAT feeling. That distinctly pregnant feeling. Unexplained vomiting. Very sensitive sense of smell. Very tender breasts. I did a home test and was bowled over when it was positive. It dredged up long forgotten memories and obsessions. It’s a place I NEVER wanted to return to. The obsessing. The worrying.  What to do? How to proceed? Is this seriously happening? How can this possibly be happening? The overwhelming desire to constantly pee on home pregnancy tests. Wringing my hands with anxiety. My brain racing at a million miles an hour. Not knowing where I was in my cycle as I haven’t tracked my cycle in two years. Not knowing when I conceived. When my period was due. Knowing that the inevitable would happen.

Fast forward another 4 positive home tests. And out of total lack of trust in my own instincts about these things, making Walter stare at the tests and confirm that he too could see the second lines. More worrying. More feelings of dread. More feelings of oh God I don’t want to be in this place, I don’t want to go here. What must I do? Phone my FS (who I haven’t spoken with or laid eyes on in more than 2 years) to go an all the crappy meds, Intralipid infusions, clexane shots and the disgusting progesterone supplements, repeat beta’s and all the other shit that goes along with a positive pregnancy test for me, only to be crushed by another pregnancy loss. I don’t want to be here! I don’t want to go there! I closed that door, firmly and with peace, why is it being cracked open.

Waking up in the middle of the night, doubled over with cramps and gushing blood. Over.

Relief.

No sadness.

Just utter relief – it is over.

Affirmation – adoption is the right path for me or us.

My psychologist confirmed she’d write a report for my gynae supporting my previously denied request for a hysterectomy.

2012 will be my year to have my useless uterus removed and to be period free for my remaining days. No more of this…….. anxiety, worry, knowing the inevitable will happen. No more practicing the “rhythm” method to try and avoid pregnancies that are doomed to fail.

I am more sure than ever that adoption is the chosen path for us, that we are chosen for a path less traveled.

Relief! Peace!

 

 

 

28 Comments

  • tln101

    November 21, 2011 at 10:45 am

    I am sorry…….
    For you loss/ loses
    For your pain
    For your anxiety
    For the loss of ability which should come naturally
    For wanting and not getting
    For sleepless nights because of heartache
    For toilet paper checks, which happen automatically still
    BUT
    CONGRATS on finding peace that many many women, me included, battle to find,some might never, even with a babe in arms. Good on you for finding your path and good on you for getting through it all. You , along with many other, are a stelwart in the infertility community. A beacon of hope to many a novice and a comforting strength to many a broken hearted (me included at a stage) and now a guide on how to be a mommy with sterling advise for those who have adopted and to those who have’nt …….

    I am still giggling at the spade in the eye….you’re funny

    Reply
  • Beth

    November 21, 2011 at 11:13 am

    I am so sorry Sharon.

    On the hysterectomy issue, I gave myself til 40 to achieve that one miracle, and when it didn’t happen, I had a hysterectomy just before I turned 40, due to my severe endometriosis.

    Its been over 2 years since my surgery, and I can honestly say I am so glad I went ahead with my decision. I was finally able to start my emotional healing with regards to my IF, no more wondering “what if” or “is this the month”. Also no more heavy bleeding, having to arrange my life around 3-4 days of dreadful symtoms.

    I don’t think that I could have gone on month to month for any longer – or have put my husband through anymore than what we had been through.

    Take care, and if you have any questions, I’m here to help answer them if you need some advice.

    Thinking of you
    xxx

    Reply
  • Robyn

    November 21, 2011 at 11:14 am

    OMW! I am so sorry! I really hope that one day we will get to understand what all these tests are about. Supposedly what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – but seriously, come on – enough already! You are so strong to be able to come out with such a positive outlook. Well done. I hope that second baby finds you soon. Sending lots of love. xxx

    Reply
  • Lea White

    November 21, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Oh Sharon, I’m so sorry! But I’m also happy you have found peace! You are on the journey you were meant to be. You were always meant to be Ava’s mommy, you just had to wait for her to come along!

    Reply
  • suecreativity01ue

    November 21, 2011 at 11:42 am

    You are brave. I am glad you have found peace – I am on a massive emotional therapy programme to let go of “what can’t be”. After 7 weeks i am “nearly” there, but def not at the stage that you are at. And some how I wish I was. I mean, after 5 AIs and 12 IVFs I cannot ever, ever go there again. I know what you mean about the anxiety that comes with a positve HPT. Well done.

    Reply
  • Nisey

    November 21, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Sharon, you’ve really had a tough few weeks. My heart aches for you because I know that each and every pregnancy regardless of how shortlived it is means something and has a place in our hearts.

    I would most certainly take the path you are suggesting – why put yourself through more pain that you need to?

    Much love and light to you

    Reply
  • darylfaure

    November 21, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    I’m sorry you had to go through all of that again Sharon and I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that deep inside, there is always that tiny spark of hope, and when it is extinguished again, it hurts so much. I’m so glad though that your request for a hysterectomy has been approved, and that you are at peace with it, and know which road you will travel. God bless my friend.

    Reply
  • ems mommy

    November 21, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    O m w! Sorry you had to go through all these emotions and then the result been the same as before! I am sorry!

    But I am glad that you foud peace and relief, u a strong, amazing woman

    Reply
  • Gwen

    November 21, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    That must have been awful for you. I’m so sorry. Of course you need to do what’s right for you, and I’m glad for your sake that you know yourself well enough to know exactly what that is.

    Reply
  • Mash

    November 21, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    You’ve been through far too much. I’m so sorry you had to go through it once again, and I admire your strength. Thinking of you and hope that you will find that peace, whatever it takes.

    Reply
  • karen

    November 23, 2011 at 9:20 am

    So sorry, Sharon. You are amazing. Wish I am there already. When you go for your operation, please keep us informed. It is lurking somewhere in the future for me as well. I’m a bit scared.

    Reply
  • Sian

    November 24, 2011 at 9:28 am

    So sorry Shaz! When I think of all those emotions associated with pregnancy and treatment…… I just want to run away!!! Adoption is definately the best option for me too.

    Reply

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