Blood Test Today

Last night, what I’ve been waiting for, anticipating and dreading happened. The first signs of spotting. The irony is that at the beginning of this IVF, because of how my previous IVF’s had panned out, I kept telling myself that if I could make it to 8dp5dt I’d have reason to be hopeful.  So I did make it to 8dp5dt and watched as hope glimmered in W’s eyes. But you know, as one of those people who’ve had to walk the special sh*ttyjourney, one of those who’s not going to receive a BFP from taking Clomid, doing a timed cycle,having an IUI, or falling pregnant on my first IVF, one of those people who has experienced just about every sh*tty treatment and outcome that one can have on this journey (bar one outcome that I’m too terrified of to even verbalize) I knew nothing was going to come of it and I was right.

Last night, after returning from wishing my MIL happy 50th birthday, I raced into the house to do yet another frantic pantie check and there it was, the first signs of spotting. The part that surprised me was that it actually upset me because I’d been expecting it. At least now I know what to do, as hard as this is, I know what to expect because I’d done this so many times in the past.

I’ve got so many mixed emotions at the moment. I’m so incredibly sad, I have this strong sense of loss, I am unbelievablyangry, I’m confused,I don’t understand why, why can’t I be one of the lucky ones? Why can’t I catch a break? I’m wracked withself pity. And to be totally honest, I don’t know if I want to continue on with treatment either. After 7 years, countless timed/triggered cycles, 3 IUI’s and now 4 IVF’s, I’ve yet to receive even so much as a glimmer of hope from fertility treatment. I cannot help wondering if what I believe to be God’s promise to me is just one big fat lie? Or some fantasy I’ve created in my head to justify keeping on going. I know a lot of what I’m feeling has to do with the massive disappointment and sadness over this failed cycle and that perhaps in a few weeks I’ll start to feel different.

For right now, I’m scared, I’m scared of how much this all hurts, I’m scared of moving on, I’m scared of how I’m going to cope with my friends pregnancies, I’m so raw that everything hurts. I feel judged and I judge myself harshly. I’m filled with self loathing and despise myself for putting W through this.

But I just need to get to the end of this now, so this morning I’ll be going for the stupid, pointless beta at 9dp5dt so that I can stop the meds and move on.

23 Comments

  • CeCe Garrett

    March 26, 2009 at 7:49 am

    Oh sweets. I am so sorry. I wish I could hug you or at least hand you plates to throw and break. I know that sometimes, we, as women… especially infertile women like us, blame ourselves SO much. Its so easy to feel broken.. I mean yeah it hurts like hell… but its easier to find some way to make this all our fault. Its the only area of control we have. But I am here to tell you something… You may be weary… and you need time to grieve… get fire breathing angry… but don’t ever feel bad for trying. You are an amazing woman. Hang in.

    CeCe

    Reply
  • Elize

    March 26, 2009 at 8:07 am

    Sharon, I can’t tell you enough how sad I am at the moment. I spent most of Tueday crying, I couldn’t believe this has happened to you again. I seems damn unfair to me too. And please remember if you can’t deal with pregnancies it’s OK. Give yourself some time and space to work through your grief. I totally get that you don’t feel like going on, it sucks to hurt so much, it sucks to have hope and then have the carpet pulled from under you, it sucks that you feel left behind yet again. I’m so so sorry my friend. (((HUGS)))

    Reply
  • Adel

    March 26, 2009 at 8:20 am

    Ai Shaz, I so know how you feel and it just sucks!! With my IVF’s I also expected the spotting, but when it comes it still hurts, because there is always that glimmer of hope!!

    I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but just know that I am thinking of you !

    Luv.

    Reply
  • Abbey

    March 26, 2009 at 9:00 am

    “The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” -Ben Okri
    I love this saying and I thought it appropraite for you and how strong you are to endure what you have. I have no words that could sooth your aching heart but I’m sending you huge hugs filled with special love.

    Reply
  • Yvonne

    March 26, 2009 at 9:46 am

    Sharon I’m so, so sorry.
    I cannot actuall believe that this is happening now — it’s just too unfair for words.

    Biggest, biggest hugs. Am thinking of you.

    Reply
  • Invivo

    March 26, 2009 at 9:56 am

    Thinking of you in this terribly difficult time. I know you will find a way through it with the many shoulders you have to cry on.

    Let me know if you need to run away for a while…

    M xxx

    Reply
  • peanuttam

    March 26, 2009 at 10:55 am

    I’m so sorry. It’s so so unfair and we are all very sad and feel your pain. The sight of spotting, even tho you fully expect is like that final twist of the knife, so terribly painful.

    I can understand your feeling of not wanting to do this anymore, you’ve been thru so much and the sad thing is that only you can decide when you’ve had enough. But if that day ever comes I’ll be there to cry with you.

    Big hugs dear friend xxx

    Reply
  • Terri

    March 26, 2009 at 11:06 am

    Hi Sharon,
    Cant believe that you are going thro this. Im Bugs from FC, Had a failed donor IVF recently. I could have written your blog myself. Am still Pissed off with the world, ANGRY with God( cant even go to church for now, and over Easter… thats terrible !!) and just generally numb !!! One does go on I spose, and others do get those bloody BFPs on first goes and life is just generally kak !!!
    My sincere thoughts and wishes !!!!
    xxxxxxx

    Reply
  • Callie

    March 26, 2009 at 10:07 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I think no matter how much you try to prepare or even expect the worst, it’s just such a heart-breaker when it happens.

    You’re in my thoughts!

    Reply
  • Jaded

    March 30, 2009 at 1:12 am

    i am so sorry. i wish you could have caught your break, and i have had all the same feelings you are going through now, and i still have them. you will pick up the pieces, but you have a right to feel blue right now.

    Reply

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