I’ve been grappling with an issue for a while now, its something I wanted to blog about because I’d like to get others thoughts on this issue, but at the same time I’ve been terrified to blog about it for fear of coming across like an uncaring bitch and getting lynched in the process. But after a recent posting on the forum I frequent, touching on the comparison’s between Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and life after infertility and then reading Chopper’s blog this am, I’ve decided to take a deep breath and somehow try to put on paper what I’ve been grappling with.
So here’s the deal – I think I’m battling with some form of mixture between survivor’s guilt and PTSD. I’m really confused by where I’m at in terms of my infertility journey and offering support to others still on the IF path. In the beginning, I really wanted to be there for others still on the IF path but these days I feel like I want to run as far away from all things fertility related as possible. I want to put it behind me, walk away from it and never look back. When somebody talks about their infertility, I want to put my hands over my ears and shout “lalalalalalalalalala” so that I don’t have to hear it! I have no patience with it or with myself. I don’t want to talk about infertility, I don’t want to think about infertility, I don’t want to remember my infertility, I don’t want to remember the emotions behind my infertility, when I think back on my infertility, I wish I could tell myself to shut the f*ck up and stop whining about it and in turn, I’m struggling with finding the patience for offering support on anything fertility related.
What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Why is it that something that consumed my life for the better part of a decade is now something I want to run so far way from. Why am I so lacking in compassion? This is not natural or normal for me? It’s not how I am, it’s not part of my personality? I’m too compassionate, I’m so bloody compassionate that the struggles of others is usually enough to move me to tears and/or to action but somehow the same is not applying to infertility! I can’t bring myself to offer support on the forum, I’m battling to find the words and offer support on the blogs I read.
What is going on? What is wrong with me?
Please don’t hate me for owning this? I’m as confused and shocked by it as you probably are for reading it.