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Compromise

So after lot more tears and a whole lot of talking, I think a compromise has been reached. Not really sure how I feel about it to be honest, it kinda puts me in a place at the start of my next IVF I really wanted to avoid.

We’re going to give it one more shot. My next IVF will also be my last IVF. So I really have to pray very hard that this one last attempt will work because if it doesn’t I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I really didn’t want to start off the next round of treatment with that kind of pressure but I guess there was no getting away from it. I have to compromise. Fair is fair and its not like I can’t say I haven’t given it my best shot. By the time my next round of treatment is over, W and I will have been trying for almost 7 years. We will have spend hundreds of thousands of rands, I will have cried oceans of tears, I will have endured thousands of injections and blood tests. I will have been poked and prodded and lost my dignity more times than I care to remember. I will have picked myself up and dusted myself off more times than I thought possible. The simple fact is that while I feel I could continue on this journey till I crossed the finish line triumphantly holding a living breathing baby, my husband does not feel the same way and I can’t really say that I blame him.

So how do I feel about all of this?

TERRIFIED! But what will be will be, I just have to square my shoulders and face whatever is coming my way and pray that I have the courage and the strength to face whatever the outcome may be.

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18 Comments

  • Reply Shawna

    Oh my goodness. I am nervous for you. This is going to make it difficult for you to relax. I will be praying for you.

    December 10, 2008 at 5:52 am
  • Reply Kirsty Weaver

    Believe in it, visualise it and it will be!
    Have you read “The Secret?” If not, head off to exclusive books NOW and get yourself a copy! Start reading it today – and you will be in the right frame of mind in January for your wish to come true. Let W read it to!
    “If you believe it, you can become it! ”
    Now – be giddy with wine and HAPPY thoughts for the entire festive season, and you will be well prepared for January!
    Good luck xxx

    December 10, 2008 at 7:51 am
  • Reply WiseGuy

    I sincerely hope that this time it will work out for both of you! Lots of prayers!

    December 10, 2008 at 8:04 am
  • Reply Adel

    I am basically at the same place as you Shaz, if I do decide to do one more IVF, then that will also be my last and I know how terrific it feels.

    I, however, will be thinking and praying for you and rooting for your BFP every step of the way!

    GOOD LUCK!

    December 10, 2008 at 8:18 am
  • Reply Michelle

    Shaz -we were in the same place going into this last IVF/ ZIft and I know all too well how terrifying it is. Try to instill positive thinking – like Kirtsy said “If you believe it, you can become it! ”
    I really did try hard to implement this train of thought and I’m not saying that is what got us our BFP but certainly feels like it did contribute.
    Good luck my friend – I will be praying for you both and hope that you will get your BFP and we can be preggies together.

    December 10, 2008 at 8:22 am
  • Reply Lea White

    I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts every single day and step of the way!

    Hugs to both of you!

    December 10, 2008 at 8:56 am
  • Reply charne

    o Shaz i can imagine you terrified!!

    We all just need to cover you with prayer during the next IVF and ask for God to be gracious to you and to remember His promise He gave you!

    xxx

    December 10, 2008 at 9:00 am
  • Reply Amanda

    We will be praying for you Shaz, if I could wave a magic wand I would, but I can pray, and will do so untill we hear news!!
    Lotsa love Amanda xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    December 10, 2008 at 9:21 am
  • Reply Abbey

    I know how you must be feeling Sharon but try not to focus on the fact that this is your last try but rather on the process itself and the fact that you do still have this last try to look forward to. Who says it wont happen for you, you deserve it as much as anyone else. I will be praying for you because you really, truly deserve to be a mommy and you will be great one! Enjoy Xmas, lots of wine and xmas pudding and then come back strong and fighting fit for your IVF in the New Year!

    X Abbey

    December 10, 2008 at 9:46 am
  • Reply dee

    very scary!!! But I guess you need to have a “plan” – my therapist says you need to have an end point, if it means stopping completely then you need to decide that upfront and work through those feelings. I pray this will be your last cycle and that there is a happy ending waiting around the corner for you!

    December 10, 2008 at 10:16 am
  • Reply samcy

    My friend, this must have been very hard for you to agree to. BUT I am still praying and believing for a miracle Christmas baby that will negate the need for the IVF.

    And like Charne says if you do need the IVF then we’ll all be covering you in prayer and we’ll be thanking God for honoring His promise to you.

    Love ya!
    xxx

    December 10, 2008 at 10:46 am
  • Reply 'Murgdan'

    I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you…I’m sending you all the positive vibes I have for your upcoming and last IVF.

    December 10, 2008 at 12:32 pm
  • Reply Elana

    I really, really hope this is it for you. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like, but will give any support that I possibly can. I just wish IVF wasn’t so cost prohibitive so that you could go on with cycles for as long as you want until you have that baby you so deserve. GOOD LUCK!! *HUGS*

    December 10, 2008 at 4:50 pm
  • Reply monica lemoine

    Gosh, Shaz. This sounds serious. Sending lots and lots and lots of positive and good luck energy in your direction, and a strong heart and mind for dealing with whatever outcome this might bring.

    December 10, 2008 at 5:49 pm
  • Reply Elize

    OMW! I am terrified with you hon. Geez it must have been a really difficult decision to make. I’ll be praying for you daily and I really really really hope that you get a BFP and have a live baby! (((HUGS)))

    December 10, 2008 at 8:16 pm
  • Reply Glenda

    Hi Sharon

    Shit! My two cents worth…ignore Kirty’s suggestion (Kirsty, I am sure you mean well but what happens if things don’t work out, does it become our fault that we didn’t believe enough…in my experience you start getting into very complicated areas, ‘the secret’ should stay about wanting nice cars and houes and not stuff like babies or cancer, the things that matter and that can stuff you up if they don’t happen).

    My feeling, I get what you say. Screw the intellectual/esoteric stuff…its just lousy, unfair and crap and not right that one should have to deal with it!

    Good luck.

    December 11, 2008 at 12:59 am
  • Reply Jackie

    Wow, Sharon, that is so much pressure and so much to deal with all at once. I am really feeling for you. It sounds like you are being very understanding and attempting to take your husband’s feelings into account. I don’t know if I could be so reasonable in your position. Sending you a million hugs across the Atlantic!

    December 11, 2008 at 2:42 am
  • Reply Coach Louise

    Hi Sharon,

    Its ok to feel “Kak” right now, but feelings of recrimination, guilt, blame and worry are all emotions that pretty much get you nowhere. They have no benefit at all, and are more likely to cause more negativity and heartache. It sounds like W doesn’t know what to say, and often or not, whatever our DH says isn’t going to be ‘right’. He might think he is being supportive by saying ‘its not about me’ etc… Maybe he just wants you to make a decision now to put things behind both of you so that you can have a life together? Its not easy but when is the line drawn. This is not just you going through all this pain and heartache, but W as well, because not only does he go through the same ups and downs but he sees you going through your own terrible heartache too. So whats that doing to him and your marriage?

    I did a show on Monday, where I spoke to Michael Losier ( expert in field of Law of Attraction) and I specifically asked him about using it in situations with infertility… I found his answers interesting – you might want to have a listen http://www.blogtalkradio.com/keystoclarity-coach I recommend it.

    My feeling, Sharon is that now you are looking at this as being your last shot to be a mom. But how do you know the universe, God, whatever, has that in store for you? Maybe the role of Mom will come in a different way, a way that you might never have suspected… By starting to let go of the outcome, and starting to look at the opportunities life has before you will open up a whole new world of possibilities – one’s that you wouldn’t know about, until you are ready and in that place to yes, I am ready to experience everything that life brings me again!

    Being in this place of change in itself is scarey because you have been going through this so long, that not knowing what else is there for you, except a baby at the end of it, is a great unknown. This pattern of living has become a way of living, being, doing, and now there is the possibility that will most like change. Change can be scarey. Especially if the change isn’t the result of having a baby in your arms. So what could change look like that might be interesting, freeing, relaxing, comforting, exciting, when it means your time is your own, and you can do what you like with it, and with W? Where your world is free of cycles, hormone injections, depression, exhileration, and more depression… Is there is the possibility that you can start thinking of that as a possibility for your future…?

    You are an amazing woman. Know that it is impossible to feel positive all the time (so don’t beat yourself up), but its important that you deal with what is making you feel negative because of the fears that are underneath of that. They won’t go away unless you address them head on. Have a heart to heart with W. or a close friend , or me – to move through it. Once you get to the place of letting go of the outcome of the IVF, and looking at the possibilities of what life might look like without a baby from the IVF ( note I didn’t say ‘without a baby in your future’) life and your sense of wellbeing will shift into peace and calm, and possibly a sense of fulfillment…

    I write this to you Sharon, with much love, and concern for your and your husband’s wellbeing. And if you don’t find this helpful, feel free to toss it in the bin.

    Ironically, this IVF I will be doing will also be the last one.

    lovingly yours,
    Coach Louise

    December 11, 2008 at 4:50 am
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