I’m standing in the shower last night, eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of the warm water when suddenly a thought hits me out of no where! I’m sure we’re supposed to attend a birthday party on Saturday! I’m sure it’s Emma & Caleb’s party. Is it? Isn’t it? I dive out the shower while frantically sifting through the recesses of my brain trying to pin point this bit of info, I’m sure we got an invitation. Grab my phone and sms’s the twins mom at 21h50, desperate to know if I’ve lost the plot of if there is in fact a party, I’m sure if there was a party I would have received the invite but for the life of me, I can’t find the memory of it, it’s fuzzy, I know it’s there but I can remember the details. Thankfully she sms’s me back straight away saying their party is indeed on Saturday, at 09h30, don’t I remember the invite? Er… no! Now I have to send another awkward text back asking where the party is exactly because I have no memory of the details!
My mom phones me, I’ve just walked in the door with our week’s groccery shopping. It’s 5pm. The cat immediately attacks my legs &n the dogs are scurrying around in excitement at my arrival home and that its now their dinner time. Ava is shouting at me to come and have a look at something, Loveness is trying to impart information to me about something. Tripping over dogs, cat, toddler, nanny and shopping bags, I stumble into the kitchen with the phone squeezed between my ear & my shoulder, listening while my mom gives me some important information. I finish the call with her and unpack the shopping, settle the toddler, speak to the nanny and feed the dogs and cats. It’s then that I realize I have no idea what my mom was saying on the phone! I phone her back because I know she’s told me something important but I have no idea what! She laughs and gives me the info again. While I’m writing this now, I try to remember the call to my mom, but I still have no idea what the phone call was about, I just know it was important!
I drop Ava at school this morning, my mind already on the Q1 2013 presentation I have with one of my largest clients at 10am. As I’m reversing out of the car park, I see one of the mom’s I’m friendly with. She waves and says: “See you just now!”. Anxiety grips me, why would she be seeing me just now? Just now I will be hosting a very important presentation, not spending time with a mom friend from school. Clearly she see’s the confused look on my face and she qualifies with “Don’t forget, it’s the Super Kidz Parents Presentation today!” SHIIIIITTTTT! I’ve forgotten all about it! I’m sure I put a reminder somewhere but where? On my tablet, in my electronic diary or on my phone! I phone Walter to tell him I simply can’t be there, I have this really NB presentation I need to be in! He huffs and puffs but shuffles his schedule so that he can attend in my place. Nothing worse than attending a parents day and seeing the forlorn littlies who’s parents didn’t make it. No way I’m doing that to Ava. The whole way on the drive to work, the guilt at not being able to be there eats at me! Eventually I decided screw it, she is my child and my number 1 priority, she comes before my work. I call my client and apologetically request that we reschedule! He’s very kind and understanding. Now I have to let my two directors, who are attending the presentation with me and who’s diaries are chocker block that I have to reschedule and basically I’ve wasted there time today. Oh well, my child comes first and I’m sure that while they may be irritated with me, they will understand. I race into the office, quickly reschedule and reschuffle the meeting and take care of a few urgent matters before racing out out to my car to drive back to Ava’s school for her function. At 09h30 I decide to call Kate, Tristan’s mom, to confirm that the presentation is indeed at 10 am because I know my memory is f*cked and wouldn’t be surprised if I somehow got this wrong too. She laughs when I ask her and tells me that in fact the presentation is at 11am!
Here’s the thing: I think I’m loosing my mind or I’m having a breakdown or this is another symptom of the perimenopause I’ve been experiencing. And here’s a little confession, my marbles have been decreasing for probably the last 6 months already, before the onset of my hot flashes last week, I had secretly begun to wonder if I wasn’t experiencing the early symptoms of Alzheimers! But I have read that one of the first symptoms and most common symptoms of perimenopause is memory loss.
I feel so out of control! I feel so anxious because I’m constantly messing up simple details. I need to come up with a plan to better manage my day to day life, my hectic schedule or I’m going to continue to drop the million and twenty balls I seem to be juggling on a daily basis.
Excuse me while I have a little pity party, but between being a mom to a toddler, running a home, working, spending time with my friends, writing my blog and taking care of Trinity Heart, I feel like I may be loosing my mind…. one gigantic goony marble at a time!
The worst part is that when I’ve told those closest to me how I’m feeling and what’s going on, they kind of down play it, I don’t feel like they’re taking me seriously, while I’m literally frantic and overwrought with anxiety about the loss of my mind, the constant pressure I feel I’m under, the constant feeling of being torn in a million different pieces and being pulled in a million different directions!
Somethings gotta give and I suspect it’s my mind!