I am exhausted today. Last night I had some of the worst nightmares I’ve had in a very long time, the type of nightmares that even when you wake up panting in fear with your cheeks stained by tears, when you calm down and fall back asleep, the nightmare starts up from where it left off.
The entire night I dreamt about a dead baby. The baby was mine but I don’t think it was Ava or Hannah. I can’t recall how or why the baby died, but I know Walter took the baby and put it in a plastic packet and threw is in the bin and I was inconsolable. I went to friends, Laura, oddly, you were at my friends house, and I started showing a movie of everything that we had been through in the last decade, everyone was in tears and utterly hysterical when the movie I was showing ended with my baby dying.
After leaving my friends house, I went back home and became completely hysterical, telling Walter we couldn’t let our baby be thrown out with the trash, that I wanted a proper memorial service for him/her and Walter telling me to calm down, the dustbin was down at the gate for garbage removal and he would go and fetch the baby’s dead body out the bin. He was sitting on our patio eating breakfast when the sound of the garbage removal truck started. I was screaming at him to hurry up before they crushed our baby’s dead body in the truck and he just carried on sitting there staring at me and not moving.
It was hugely upsetting, I work up at 4am and wanted to get up and start the day, to afraid to close my eyes in case the dream carried on. The feelings I experienced were very very real and reminded me so much of the crushing devastation, desolation and complete sense of hopelessness and loss I experienced with everyone of my miscarriages. I still remember those feelings so clearly. During those times of immeasurable pain, sleep was my greatest escape and I would pray that I would never wake up from those sleeps because waking up and having the reminder of what I had lost, of the pain I had to live through, of the immeasurable grief was just too much to bare and that is how this bizarre dream made me feel.
Of course, I don’t put too much faith in the meanings behind dreams but I did look into this one and all the reading I’ve done on it this morning all points to the same thing:
Earlier this week, we received Hannah’s final adoption order. In essence, the end of our very long 11 year journey to family creation has finally ended. There has been immeasurable pain, loss, suffering and grief in the past 11 years but it is finally now well and truly over. I have everything I ever wanted, an amazing husband and two gorgeous girls. We are a family of four and this is the dream that I worked for for what felt like an eternity.
Perhaps my horrific dream last night was my subconscious finally accepting that what has gone before is finally over? My infertility defined so much of who I was and how I interacted with others for such a very long time and its only really in the last year that I am starting to feel like I am letting go of that part of my identity, I’m no longer defined by it, I am no longer focused on it. It’s over. Its been the toughest challenge I have faced in my life so far but it became such a huge part of me, of how I saw and interacted with the world, that perhaps on some subconscious level I’ve been battling to let go of it.
But it is done. Like the dead baby, it’s dead and gone and thrown out with the trash. The memory of what I went through will stay with me forever, its very existence has changed who I am.