I watched the Sex & The City movie on Sunday night for a second time and this time around, I was struck by the similarity of our grieving processes. The causes of the grief may be different, but the processes are fairly similar. Yes, we all deal with grief differently and we move through the various stages of grief at different paces, but at its very core it seems similar.
There are only a couple of instances in my life that have caused me this type of grief, the first one was loosing what I, at the time, believed was the greatest love of my life and then of course all of my miscarriages & my failed IVF’s. Oddly, the grieving process in all of these was pretty much the same for me. I grieved my lost love in the same ways as I grieved the loss of my babies. I grieved in the same way (not necessarily the same time lines) but in the same way as Carrie when Big stood her up at their wedding.
I recall withall of my miscarriages and with the loss of my “great love” that I cried uncontrollablyfor the first day or so, that I couldn’t eat, think or talk, all I could do was cry. The next phase of my grieving is sleeping. I become weighted down my the heaviness of my grief and look for the sweetest escape in sleep. There’s just one problem with that escape… the sleep is wonderful, its freeing and healing, but each time I woke up, in that second before becoming fully conscience, the weight of my grief would coming crashing down on me as I relieved over and over again the losses that had caused the grief in the first place. Even now, when I think about waking up from sweet slumber during periods of intense grief, I’m gripped by a feeling of sadness, remembering what it was like to become awake, to lie there and remember again and again what was causing the pain in the first place, to experience the sense of loss over and over again.
The other part of Carrie’s grief that I so related to was when she was on her honeymoon with oher friends in Mexico, when she was finally through the sleeping phase, she was sitting out on the deck with her friends and she asked them: “Do you think I’ll ever be able to laugh again?”. That statement brought tears to my eyes because I so related, especially after my last miscarriage and also after my last failed IVF, I truly believed I would never laugh or smile again. I felt like if I tried to laugh or smile, my broken heart would crumble into a million little pieces. That was life without joy and it was quite possibly the most painful part of the grieving process. Perhaps not as intense as the crying or sleeping phase, but definitely a scary phase, to feel dead on the inside that was by far the scariest. Certainly not the most painful because I couldn’t feel anything, but scary non the less.
So here I am, planning & preparing for my 5th IVF or my 1st Frozen Cycle, depending on how you look at it, and to be honest, a part of me is truly afraid. While I know I will have the strength and courage to get through it again, I’m just not sure I WANT to face the possibility of having to go through that extremely painful grief process again.