I never knew motherhood would challenge me the way that it has. I never understood that my daughters, their health, their well being, their happiness, had the power to take my fragile heart, the one I surrendered to them when they were placed with us, and crush it.
Today I was reminded of that.
Ava’s class was fitted for their Grade 1 uniforms today. I was notified beforehand, and I chatted with her teacher about what to do as she is only having her assessment with the educational psychologist later this week and as a result, we have not told her yet that she is being kept back. So we, along with her teacher, decided for now to let her go head and get fitted for the uniform along with all her classmates.
Her teacher sent me a message this morning, along with the following image:
This image… it broke me. It took my fragile heart and crushed it. It destroyed me. It hurt me. To see the excitement and pride on her face and know that soon, we’re going to crush that excitement, soon she’s going to learn a hard life lesson, sometimes…. life is hard, it’s unfair, it’s cruel and it hurts. I can’t bare it. I can’t stand it. I can’t bare the thought of what lies ahead….
And then, in the midst of my tearful meltdown at the office, this song started playing on my Deezer playlist:
And it got me thinking about all the things I want my girls to know, to learn, things I’ve love to teach them, I hope I’m always an example to them.
You’re both just two gorgeous little girls right now, and one day, I hope you read back on this letter and are reminded of all the things I tried to teach you, the examples I always tried to set for you.
Life, it’s unkind, it’s cruel and it’s unfair but there is still beauty to be found in all of it. Happiness is a choice my darlings, I have found moments of incredible beauty and joy even in the darkest depths of grief. Be happy no matter what.
Be you, always be you, your most authentic selves, stay true to who you are and NEVER compromise yourselves for anyone or anything. Stay true to yourselves and don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise, you are enough, you are beautifully and uniquely designed to be exactly and perfectly as you are.
Be brave. Be kind. Say no. Live, laugh, love with your whole heart and soul. Follow your heart, always, no matter what crazy things your heart is telling you or is telling you you’re crazy! Trust your instincts always. Be a good friend.
Have fun, laugh at yourself and never take yourself too seriously, life is far too short for that.
Work to live and never live to work!
Don’t compromise who you are for anyone or anything.
Find your passion and follow it.
Feel, experience, breath and surrender to pain and emotions. Deal. Don’t run away. When you make a mistake, own it, and embrace the consequences, no matter how hard. There are lessons to be learned in humility. Don’t be prideful ever.
Face your fears, you’re braver and stronger than you think you are!
Try your best always and if you fail, get up and try again. There is no shame in failing, only in not trying at all.
And never ever doubt, no matter what happens, no matter who you are, dear daughters, stand or fall, I will always be here for you. Always. I will laugh with you, I will cry with you, I will love you and I will support you, I will feel your pain in ways and in depths and in breadths that you will not understand until/if/when you become mothers yourselves one day.
And always know, you are enough. You are more than your looks, your experiences and the tough things that will happen to you. You are more than you will ever know.
You are EVERYTHING to me.
Forever and always my loves