Tomorrow you will have been with us a whole year. The day of your placement is still so fresh in my memory, in some ways it feels like just yesterday, in others, it feels like a lifetime ago, like you’ve always just been with us, been apart of us.
I won’t lie, it hasn’t been all been sunshine and roses. You struggled to adapt to being part of a family and not in a place of safety and at times I felt disheartened by how we were all struggling, you to fit in with us and us to make space for you in our tight knit family unit.
I also won’t lie, for the sake of other Mom’s to be who may be reading this, I didn’t bond with you immediately and this was a huge concern for me and a great source of my mothers guilt. For the longest time, I feared a terrible mistake had been made when you were placed with us and that I was the worst possible choice as your Mom. I felt heavily burdened by this, wanting to desperately to love you in an all consuming manner but feeling disconnected from you, at times like I was looking after someone else’s baby, I felt heavily burdened by the guilt, not just of my own doing, but I felt guilt because your birth mother had chosen us/me and I felt I was failing her miserably and by extension, you, an innocent life, who did not chose any of this, who had no say in how your life began, a victim of other people’s choices. Mine, our social workers, your birth parents, all of us together.
But in time your sensory issues and post placement stress started to disappear, thanks to lots of work with an OT and you started to settle and then I started to settle and without even realizing it, you crept so deep into my heart, I can’t imagine my life without you in it any more.
You are a wild child and I love your tenacious nature, your temper on the other hand… not so much and to be honest, I’m a little afraid of what your Terrible 2’s or F*cking 3’s will be like, I’ve already seen, at age one, how you stamp your feet and scream when you don’t get your own way. You have a serious case of FOMO and I love how you play with friends, always determined, even if you’re the smallest, to be apart of the action. You are a soft hearted little girl and while I fear life is going to bruise your soft heartedness, I really hope your gentle nature never changes.
We love you little bird. I love you little bird, even though there are times you drive me crazy, I love you, don’t ever doubt it. Mommy loves you darling.