Dear Mattel, I hate you, I really hate you!

Posted in Parenting by

Clearly your toys, created for children, are not designed with the safety or sanity of parents in mind.

See exhibit A:

Barbie Guitar
Due to, what I can only assume was a moment of complete grey matter failure, where all the motor nuerons in my husbands brain ceased to transmit warning messages to him and his brain stopped functioning all together, he agreed to purchase exhibit A, as seen above for our darling, Barbie mad princess.
I have never in my life had such an adverse reaction to ANY toy my child has ever owned, from the annoying Winnie The Pooh dialogue that came standard with her walker, to the irritating crashes and bangs of her drum and tambourine or the foghorn loud vuvuzela she loves to blow.
To make matters worse, the entire guitar must be covered in some secretly addictive substance that has resulted in her being unable to put the guitar down or leave it alone from the time of my husbands brain malfunction where he stood in the ridiculously long queue at Toys R Us, surrounded by other harassed parents and tantrumy children and then willingly handing over his credit card and made this ridiculous purchase!
If I have to hear the song – I’m A Barbie Girl one more time, I may, myself have a complete mental break down which will result in my lying in the corner of a padded cell sucking my thumb and rocking back & fourth in the fetal position while wearing senile nappies!
It’s bad enough that this toy has increased my tolerance for violence. Last night I secretly conspired to beat my husband to death using Exhibit A as a weapon after our princess had gone to sleep! But I’ve also taken to acts of cruelty towards my princess, each time she puts the guitar down to use the bathroom, eat or drink, I have tried to come up with creative ways of hiding it from her. Whether it be shoved under her bed or hidden under a mound of pillows on the couch. But somehow she is always drawn to it and finds it within minutes! I’ve already started fantasizing about when the batteries run flat and I can tell her it’s broken and toss it in the trash!
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What I found most surprising was while looking for a suitable image to use for this blog posting, I came across thousands and thousands of favorable reviews for it! What is wrong with these parents? Have they been driven so insane by this I’m-a-bloody-Barbie-girl-guitar that they’ve lost touch with reality and their motor neuron’s have stopped transmitting altogether? Or have they just been rendered clinically deaf by the incessant noise???
And if you don’t believe me…. well, I’ll just let the video speak for itself!
 Image courtesy of Kaboodle.

 

September 9, 2012
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13 Comments

  • Reply Cat@jugglingactoflife

    I hate toys that make noises- I am noise inolerant so they either disappear or the batteries just can not be replaced

    September 9, 2012 at 11:01 pm
  • Reply Beth

    DW loves noisy toys. I feel rather immune to the incessant noise generated by the mulitude of toys that beep, squeak, talk and sing.

    Good luck with finding a way to banish the evil guitar.

    September 9, 2012 at 11:19 pm
  • Reply Jeanette

    Bwahaha! Love the little dance that goes with it 🙂

    September 9, 2012 at 11:30 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    The trick to getting rid of a broken or obnoxious toy is to put it in a garbage bag with lots of other stuff and promptly remove it from the house. When the child asks for it, you tell them you don’t know where it is…and, since you don’t know the exact position it came to rest at inside the sealed garbage bag inside of the outdoor garbage can, you are telling the truth when you say you don’t know where it is.

    September 10, 2012 at 6:21 am
  • Reply Lise

    Hillarious! From the video Walter still seems quite proud!!!! He needs to be made to suffer 😉

    September 10, 2012 at 7:36 am
  • Reply Sian

    Ha ha! Were there no Pink princess skateboards?

    September 10, 2012 at 8:02 am
  • Reply Marina

    lol, too cute! I love the way she swung the guitar up to “give it a big one” as Walter put it! 🙂 Claudio got a guitar and microphone that when plugged in amplifies his voice. He can’t get enough of it either and sings and shakes his little hips. It’s very sweet, but I know it will becoming annoying once the novelty for us wears off. Our friends that gave it to him as a present will have to be punished the same way when it’s their child’s birthday. Am thinking a drum set…

    September 10, 2012 at 8:59 am
  • Reply Nicole

    My deepest sympathy. My daughter got a similar guitar as a gift, which almost drove me batty. Let’s hope the novelty wears off soon!

    September 10, 2012 at 10:23 am
  • Reply Amanda Harrison

    I think all parents have gone through this! It’s a well travelled road!

    September 10, 2012 at 10:53 am
  • Reply Daryl Faure

    Evil laughter!

    September 10, 2012 at 11:04 am
  • Reply Julia

    LOL….don’t you have broken or flat batteries to put in it? I would NOT survive that noise.

    September 10, 2012 at 8:31 pm
  • Reply Lisa-Marie

    oooh I had SUCH a chuckle when I read your FB post!!! I’ve been after one for Isabella too (though, not the Barbie one as I’ve not seen it yet), but I think I may postpone that purchase….

    September 11, 2012 at 9:15 am
  • Reply Jenny

    What is it with Mattel. We received a Barbie shopping trolley as a gift, and I could not tolerate the voice on that, and my 3 year old only seemed to be able to turn it on, play the introduction and then turn it off again, over and over and over. At some stage she was upstairs and me and the baby downstairs when she started playing with it. It still woke up the baby downstairs and I remembered it had a ‘soft’ and ‘loud’ setting, so I ran upstairs to change it, only to discover it was on the ‘soft’ setting. I’ve sent it to Grandma’s house so that she has some toys over there to play with when she goes to visit, but even with it gone for more than a year I can still hear it throbbing through my head when I just think about it.

    September 11, 2012 at 9:49 am
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