Where to even start….
My head is a mess right now… my emotions are out of control and all over the place.
I should be happy, I have so many reasons to be happy, so many blessings to count, but I’m just not.
I’m not sad either. I’m just blah…. so very very blah.
Actually, I take that back.
I am sad. So very very sad. So weighted down by sadness.
I feel like I’m clinging to the side of the cliff of my emotions and at any second I’m going to plunge into the dark valley of depression… again!
And I don’t want to. I’ve been there before and I don’t want to go back. But I’m battling at the moment, just barely clinging on.
There is no doubt, 2014 has been a tough and devastating year for many of the people close to me, there has been loss, there has been death, there has been sickness. But for me personally, 2014 has been a truly amazing year. But I seem to have been sucked into the vortex of all the tragedy and grief that is surrounding me and I can’t seem to climb back out.
I’ve struggled with depression in the past. But this time it feels different.
Previously I experienced depression as feeling so very very flat. Like I was trapped in a bubble watching the world go by. This time it feels different. Nothing excites me. Nothing makes me happy. When I experience happiness, within seconds its followed by intense sadness. This time it feels like I’m feeling the negative emotions to intensely, too deeply and not just serious situations but all situations.
I tried finding my Christmas spirit by dancing and signing to Christmas carols with my girls on Christmas eve. I wound up being overcome by sadness and crying. I’m overwhelmed by the grief and sadness that surrounds me. I’m overwhelmed by the cruelty, lack of humanity and lack of compassion I see in the world. I’m overwhelmed by the unfairness of life. I’m overwhelmed. And I just can’t shake it.
I’ve been thinking about visiting my Dr next week to discuss my meds. I’ve been on antidepressants since Ava was a year old. They have helped tremendously and within weeks of starting them, I felt a change, a fundamental shift in my being, it was like coming back to life again. But currently they don’t seem to be working. I’m on C.i.p.r.a.le.x because my depression is also linked with general anxiety disorder. This time around, I’m depressed but not battling the anxiety.
I keep giving myself a pep talk. Telling myself to pull myself together, to get a grip, to stop feeling sorry for myself but depression doesn’t work that way. No amount of pep talking is going to pull me back from the edge.
And so, before I fall too far, I’m going to get help. Not leave it and ignore it like I did the last time, till it nearly destroyed me and my life.Image courtesy of: https://petitemagique.wordpress.com/2014/01/22/a-monster-called-depression/