This isn’t a posting about the “Why me?” question, I gave up years ago wondering why infertility chose me, asking why this happened to me. There simply is no answer to that question or rather I’ve been unable to come up with the answer to that question and trying to find the answers has caused me to land up pointing the finger of blame at myself or at something I’ve done to deserve infertility and then I’ve wound up feeling guilt. Really, I’ve come to the conclusion, there is no satisfactory answer to this question, its just a waste of time and energy trying to figure out the answer.
But lately there’s been a different type of “why” question floating around in my head. I suppose after I’ve exhausted all attempts at answering this “why” I’ll come to the same conclusion, that it was just a great big fat waste of time and energy because, like the “why me” question, this type of “why” questions simply cannot have an answer either.
During a quiet period at the office in the last couple of days, I’ve spent some time catching up on some blogs and reading some of the online support forums. I can’t help but notice that in comparison, and I know you’re all going to say don’t make comparisons, but lets be honest, we all do, so in comparison to a large percentage of IF sisters out there, I’ve certainly been around a long time, I’ve been on this journey longer than the average TTC’er out there. Its really got me wondering why some of us have longer journey’s than others, why for some of us the journey has to be that much tougher? And I’m certainly not taking anything away from anyone who has or is battling infertility out there, infertility is hard – PERIOD, nor am I attempting to be melodramatic, but lets be honest, some of us do have a harder journey to travel than others, I know there are worse things in the world than walking a mile in my shoes, but really, I can’t help wondering why I have to be one of the ones on the tougher road less travelled? Why couldn’t I just be one of those women who tried for a few years, perhaps had one or two treatments and then got her miracle?
I guess this “why” question is the same as the “why me” question, aside from there simply being no answer, it all comes back to looking for reasons why this happened, looking for things I can do to make it better, make it end faster, make me worthy of the same miracle granted to so many others.
So if any of you know the answers to this “why” question, I’d love to read your views.