I think part of the reason my IF journey has become easier to cope with over the past few years is because I’ve done such an excellent job with self preservation. Somewhere around the time of my last pregnancy I just one day decided that if something was too painful for me to cope with, I just wouldn’t do it. After I miscarried, I was in a very fragile emotional state and exercised my right to self preservation even further. I systematically cut out and avoided anything that related to fertiles all together.
And of course, the luck of the infertile is that as soon as you suffer a major set back regarding your fertility everyone close to you will fall pregnant, almost as if our infertility is like a fertility drug for the fertile. Babies start popping out left right and center, both planned and unplanned. In the 6 years, 4 months and 12 days (see what freaking tickers do to you) every female close to me has had one, two or three babies. And all of the pregnancy announcements have come either in the middle of an IVF or during the repeat Beta tests in the early stage of one of my miscarriages. And every time its felt like the universe has conspired to make my infertility as painful as absolutely possible for me.
I never saw my SIL pregnant, I never attended her baby shower, I surrounded myself with fellow infertiles and worked hard at cultivating friendships within the infertility community. I’ve known from the word go that this was like creating a paper empire and that at any moment it could all come crashing down around me. I know my reality is unrealistic and that I cannot avoid pregnant people and all things fertile for the remainder of my life. To be honest, I dread having to face the real world again. I dread the fact that one day (probably in the very near future) I’m going to have to deal with a pregnant woman, no matter how tough or how much it hurts.
But for now, for today, I can utter a huge sigh of relief. I dodged flying bullets from a HUGE machine gun today. Yesterday, two of my colleagues who sit in the same office as me announced that they were both feeling extremely nauseous and had been for a few days. I almost past out! I felt my heart constrict, I felt the fear, the wondering how I would survive 9 months with two pregnant co-workers.
You know how the superstitious infertile mind works? Right? So here’s what went through my mind (baring in mind this is the messed up thought patterns of a KuKd woman)
1. I’m infertile so of course their nausea relates to pregnancy, it couldn’t possibley be anything else.
2. With two pregnant colleagues in the office, my IVF was doomed to fail.
3. The next 9 months are going to be torture, watching their pregnant bellies grow and listening to all the pregnancy talk, how am I going to survive?
I know this must sound INCREDIBLY selfish, but I’m so relieved to hear that neither of them is in fact pregnant. I’m relieved purely for my own selfish reasons, thank goodness, I’ve dodged that bullet for now, but for how much longer can I keep being this lucky?
Me thinks not too much longer………….
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January 21, 2009 at 6:40 amYvonne
January 21, 2009 at 8:33 amBig, big hugs to you – your fear/panic/anger is so completely understandable.
I’m hoping so hard that you’ll be pregnant looooong before this becomes a reality.
x
Yvonne
stacey
January 21, 2009 at 8:34 amI totally “get” this. I go into self-preservation mode and I think I actually get stuck in it, becoming almost entirely antisocial and paranoid! Sometimes it even causes me to put off further IF treatment, for fear of failure and loss. Even though I realize that at this point I’ve handled so much more than I ever thought I could, I want to protect myself from further harm. I guess that’s only natural.
Thinking of you today, friend!
Abbey
January 21, 2009 at 9:02 amDodging Bullets is such a perfect metaphor for the fear we live with everyday that someone close to us will make that dreaded announcement. Yet another person to avoid in order to keep our hearts and our sanity in tact. It feels like such a betrayal…and that is so not how life should be! Why should we be transformed into these monsterous woman who fear and dread such happy news and begrudge other woman for being blessed. I hate feelign like this, I hate being this person inside. Shaz, thank you so much for always being so honest about your feelings. When I know that someone as good and kind as you thinks the same ugly thoughts as I do, then I know that this is not because we are bad people but because we are only human and faced with an impossible situation. The instinct for self preservation is as strong as our maternal instinct….couple these and you’re bound to end up with trouble. If we compare ourselves to animals in the wild I’d say we still doing pretty well for ourselves! ;0)
Hang in there Shaz, you have so many people cheering you on!
xox Abbey
charne
January 21, 2009 at 9:20 amo Sharon
I relate, naseaua always makes me think someone is pregnant and i instanatly start panicing and wondering how i will cope… and realise that I will have to put on a huge smile and congratualte them when in fact my heart is breaking!!
o gosh this road is hard
xxx
Elize
January 21, 2009 at 9:27 amIt’s extremely difficult to share an office with pregnant women, I’m glad you dodged that bulet for now, at least until your pregnancy is fully established hon. (((HUGS)). I also know the fear that grips your heart when it sounds like some one might be pregnant. No a nice feeling at all.
dee
January 21, 2009 at 10:40 amDont stress, in a few weeks it will be their turn to dodge YOUR bullet 🙂
What was wrong with them then?
Janine
January 21, 2009 at 10:59 amHey Sharon!
I feel too guilty about my gorgeous boys to even go to fertilicare… the years of infertility is still too fresh and I remember all too well how you feel.
You were there for me with encouraging words so many times during my sturggle & I just wanted to let you know that it REALLY CAN happen. I never wanted to admit it but in my heart of hearts I stopped believing that I’d ever be pregnant/have a successful pregnancy, I just continued trying because I’d have gone mad if I didn’t, I had to at least try… I didn’t feel destined to become a mother… & then my time came. I pray your’s does too – SOON!
Take care of yourself!
Janine
samcy
January 21, 2009 at 12:20 pmHey hon!
I totally hear you on this one – but like Dee said soon they’ll have to dodge your bullet of your belly growing 😉
Believe it and claim it!
xxx
In Due Time
January 21, 2009 at 4:07 pmThere was a point last year I think 6-8 women were pregnant at my office. It was so fucking hard to deal with. I’m glad your coworkers aren’t pregnant, for your sake! 🙂
amylynn
January 21, 2009 at 4:41 pmI had two pregnant co workers after my 3rd miscarriage, it was hell I am so glad you are not dealing with that now.
jackie
January 21, 2009 at 5:19 pmI agree that pregnant co-workers are the worst, especially when they loudly complain about being fat every time you meet them in the loo, just so they can hear you reassure them.
Me:No you’re not fat, you’re pregnant! It’s a good thing.
Her:Smirk.
Now I’m nauseous thinking about that!!!! I totally know how you feel. I live in fear of when our neighbors tell us they are expecting a perfect baby on the first try. They just got married and so now I am waiting….ugh.
Linda (littleangelkisses)
January 21, 2009 at 10:43 pmEvery time someone on my message board mentions being “late” I get all queasy. I hear you. I hope you continue to be lucky as can be!
Lea White
January 22, 2009 at 1:32 amOnce we had a lunch and there were 3 other couples apart from us and one of the couples didn’t have children, I don’t know the reason, she never offered more info and I didn’t want to ask. What really irritated me was that the other two ladies kept talking about their kids and I kept trying to steer the conversation to normal things to include the other lady. I find that frustrating. When people openly exclude another by talking about stuff that somebody else is not able to talk about. I find that rude and insensitive.
All I am really able to offer is virtual hugs, lots of prayers and thoughts. I can imagine how very hard it must be to be surrounded by these other people. How you have to act all interested and happy, when inside you are probably broken into a million pieces.
I’m constantly praying that this will be your year!
Soralis
January 22, 2009 at 1:52 amSo glad to hear that your co-workers were just sick. There is only so much one person should have to deal with in a life time. Take care and good luck
ICLW
monica lemoine
January 22, 2009 at 4:23 amWhat a lovely and honest post! Shaz, you are exposing feelings that we have all felt before: that palpable relief that we tend to keep secret. It’s so sad that we can’t just be happy and hopeful for our friends like everyone else, but ’tis the way it is.
rosesdaughter
January 23, 2009 at 12:39 amBig big hugs!! It is so hard when everyone else around you is having baby after baby after baby. It’s hard to admit it to anyone other than other people going through the same as you. Nothing wrong with being honest!