Last night, while feeding little A her porridge, I was watching the Opera show. The theme for last nights show was Don’t Stop Believin’. The first story on the show really touched me. It was about a man called Arnel Pineda, a Filipino man, who despite at the lowest point in his life was living and sleeping on the streets, is now the lead singer of the great American rock band, Journey.
The band, including Arnel, performed the Journey anthem, Don’t Stop Believin’ on the opera show and while I listened to the words and fed my daughter her porrige, I couldn’t help but be over come with emotion as I thought about how blessed I am, how lucky I am to be living my dream. I thought about the last 7 and a half years, about how hard it was. About how my spirit had been broken, over and over again, but how each time I managed to get up and dust myself off and keep believing. Of course I lost faith along the way, of course I had days that were so dark that my belief faltered. Of course there were times when it was so hard, so painful, so physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, metally draining that I didn’t think I could put one foot in front of the other to maintain forward progression. Days so dark I couldn’t imagine surviving the next second, never mind the next day, week, month. Moments that hurt so much it was painful to breathe.
But through it all, even in the darkest moments filled with doubt, a part of me never ever stopped believing and my strong belief was one of the things that kept me going. That, no matter how scary or painful the future was, I’d be able to suck it up and say, one more time, I’ve got to try one more time. And when that attempt failed, or result in another spirit crushing miscarriage, I’d fall down into the dark pit and lick my oozing, pussy wounds and slowly slowly I’d be able to lift my head up, see the light above me and start slowly clawing my way back to it. And before long I’d feel the sun on my face again and know that I could, I would make another attempt to climb completley out of the dark hole and into the light. I got kicked back into that dark pit plenty of times, but my belief healed my spirit and strengthened my resolution to try again, just one more time and start clawing my way back.
This song is dedicated to all my infertility sisters that are still stuck in the hole trying to claw their way out into the sunlight: