So last night was really entertaining and really funny. The food was delicious and aside from a rather unfortuante incident where Elize’s husband missed a step, slipped and fell and later discovered he’d cracked his elbow, compliments of a midnight dash to the emergency room, we all had a great time.
I loved the messages behind last nights Christmas show, Egg Whites and Angel Food. I guess because the messages where in line with a lot of the stuff I’ve been thinking about and trying to implement for myself in the past year. This really is the perfect time of year to be reflecting on so many of these things in our lives, as one year winds down and we look ahead in excited anticipation to the new year ahead.
I guess the messages in the show meant different things to different people in different situations. But for me, there were a couple of clear messages that I hope I can continue to remember and reflect on well into the new year.
The thing is, when I look back at the length of my infertility journey and its been a pretty long journey, 6 and a half years now, I can see how the whole experience has moulded and changed me, made me a better person. I suppose its like any situation or hardship that people experience, its been character building and its certainly made me a lot wiser. One of the things I can definitely say is, I wouldn’t want to go back to the beginning of my fertility journey, back to when everything hurt. When hearing a pregnancy announcement would crush my spirit and throw me into a depression. Back to the days when being in the company of a pregnant friend would hurt so much that I’d withdraw from relationships just to avoid the pain they caused. Back in the day when I was jealous of fertile people and thought really ugly thoughts about them, back in the day when I believed that every fertile and well meaning individual was out to hurt me or irritate and annoy me withe the ridiculous pearls of wisdom and assvise they offered. Back in the day when I would waste so much time and energy lamenting about why me and my other favorite, how much more must I take.
I look back on the person I was then and I’m not surprised that my fertile friends didn’t want to be around me, I acted horribly, hatefully, self centered and selfishly. No wonder they pitied me. But that is all part of this journey, we have to work through those emotions and those phases to come “into the light” so to speak. And that is where I finally find myself. Standing in the light. I’ve learnt that infertility is not the worst thing that can happen to me. I’ve learnt to accept and not question the fact that life is unfair and that to question the unfairness of it all is just to waste time and energy. I’ve learnt that it really is about choosing to just let go of certain emotions, to just stop questioning things for which there is no answer.
And last night while Elize and I were discussing all of this at dinner, I realized I’ve come to a place of acceptance. I’ve accepted my infertility, I’ve accepted that this is my journey, that I need to surrender to it and get on with it. I realized that since I stopped fighting it, stopped fighting the unfairness of it, that my life has become inherently more joyful. That I can look around and truly see how blessed I am, that childless or not, that there are so many things in my life to be grateful for. That I have a great life. Before so many people would tell me how lucky I am, I’d get really angry with them because how could they say that about me when I’m the one burdened with infertility.
But my thinking has begun to change and I’ve started wondering, what if……..
What if my battle with infertility was never about crossing the finish line, what if my battle with infertility is the character I develop along the way, of how I cope and grow and mould and change. What if infertility is not about the end result and everything about the journey? What if my constantly striving to move forward on the journey and not allow myself to get trapped in feelings of self pity and self worth along the way are the very things that are going to get me across the finish line?
As many of you know, I’ve finally come into a place where I’ve realized that yes, I want to try everything I can to fulfill the promise of a child in my life, but I’ve also learned along the way, that if that is not how I will be crossing the finish line I will be ok.
This surrendering in the fight with myself, this acceptance has meant freedom for me. For the first time in 6 and a half years, I can face a Christmas and New Year without sadness but with freedom to follow life where ever it may take me.
Its pretty exciting.