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Epiphany

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience

boxing-punch

I just had a MAJOR epiphany! The Intuitive Healer was right! Its been a week since I saw Sharon, a week I’ve spent thinking about something she told me. Battling with it, trying to understand it. Being frustrated by it, trying to ignore it. This morning, while I was messing about with Mosaics, watching rugby and listening to my iPod, it suddenly jumped out at me and sucker punched me so hard, right between the eyes that the shock of it almost knocked me out!

Sharon told me that I confuse my thoughts with my feelings. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what that means, its really baffled me for a week. For those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know that authenticity, no matter how ugly it may be, is very very important to me. And this morning I realized I’m a BIG FAT FRAUD!!!

I live in UTTER denial! I’ve been doing it for about 3 years now, I’ve gotten so damn good at it I don’t even know I’m going it anymore, its become second nature to me. I don’t know my authentic feelings because I’ve been pushing them down or ignoring them for so long I don’t even know what they are anymore! I’m in utter shock at this realization.

I guess it was the pregnancy announcement at work yesterday along with Sharon’s intuition that has sparked this epiphany. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what she meant this week then yesterday, we had a pregnancy announcement at the office & my old friends started surfacing, you know the friends I’m referring to? Sadness? Yearning? Feelings of inadequacy because why has God overlooked me again? Depression? Anger? Frustration? Loss?  What did I do? I promptly headed out to the shops for a bit of retail therapy – what a pile of BS that is. Retail therapy! Do me a favour? Lets call it what it is – pushing down those feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, loss, yearning – ignoring them, pretending they aren’t there, putting a smile on my face, thinking happy thoughts and ignoring my feelings with “retail therapy” – which shall hence fourth be known as “denial therapy”! After work, those shit feelings were still hovering just below the surface, they were still simmering, I was still aware of them, so what did I do? I attempted a bit more “denial therapy” and when further “denial therapy” didn’t help, I came home and tried to force those feelings down with food! Lots of food.

I am so good at listening to the voice in my head and NOT listening to the voice in my heart, that I’ve mistaken the fake dialogue in my head for my truth. But its not my truth. My truth is I’m sad, I’m depressed, I yearn, no I ache for a baby of my own, I feel neglected/abandoned by God because He time and time again chooses other people over me, He constantly re-enforces my feelings of not being worthy, of not measuring up, of not being deserving of this.

I’ve been lying to myself for years! Why? Because I so desperately don’t want to deal with those feelings, I’d rather talk myself out of them than have to deal with them. I don’t wanna, I can’t… its too painful. So instead I’ve gone on a mission to ignore them, I’ve filled my calendar with social events so that I have very little time to feel, I’ve gorged myself on food to try and force those feelings down, I’ve over indulged in alcohol and drunk myself stupid in attempts to escape my feelings, to forget….

So its time to get real with myself! I still don’t really know how to “feel” but hopefully in time that will come to me too, for now, I look forward to another session with Sharon, perhaps she can help guide me back towards my feelings, because I cannot move forward unless I’ve dealt with them.

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8 Comments

  • Reply ^WiseGuy^

    Oh, I just sucked up that picture…I know what that stands for becuase not so long ago, I had used the same picture in a ‘shaken’ moment.

    I think your Intuitive Healer has done you so good. If I had been in South Africa, prolly I would have begged you to take me to that person myself.

    “feel neglected/abandoned by God because He time and time again chooses other people over me, He constantly re-enforces my feelings of not being worthy, of not measuring up, of not being deserving of this.”

    My entire being reverberates with that same feeling. Welcome to the club!

    Happy Healing! Happy Realization! Happy Recovery!

    June 28, 2009 at 7:44 am
  • Reply ^WiseGuy^

    I like the new design that your blog has taken!

    June 28, 2009 at 7:44 am
  • Reply Kirsty

    (((Hugs)) Thought I had clicked on the wrong blog for a second, but I love your new look!
    Shaz – it’s normal to have your head and your heart in 2 seperate places. Most of us do it all the time. Well done to you for recognising it! It’s the first step to getting what you want. Why have you been asked to wait for so long? Who knows. But I hope and pray that the waiting is almost over! x

    Wait by Russell Kelfer
    Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
    Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
    I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
    And the Master so gently said, “Wait.”
    “Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply.
    “Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
    Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
    By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.”
    “My future and all to which I relate
    Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
    I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
    Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.”
    “You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
    We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
    And Lord I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
    I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.”
    Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
    As my Master replied again, “Wait.”
    So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
    And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting for what?”
    He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
    and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
    I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
    I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.”
    “I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
    You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.
    You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.
    You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.”
    “You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;
    You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
    You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
    When darkness and silence are all you can see.”
    “You’d never experience the fullness of love
    When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
    You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
    But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.”
    “The glow of my comfort late into the night,
    The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
    The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask
    From an infinite God who makes what you have last.”
    “You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
    What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
    Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
    But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I’m doing in you.”
    “So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
    That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
    And though often My answers seem terribly late,
    My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait.”

    I know it’s hard to keep the faith, but He has a plan!

    June 28, 2009 at 11:04 am
  • Reply Adi

    Please don’t beat yourself up about … anything, whatever, all of it! Denial and coming out of it are normal, human processes and you have a right to experiencing BOTH of them. Sometimes the mind knows how much we can take at any given stage, and that is where it waits, patiently, until we are ready before it helps us to surface what is really going on and we can then face it.

    All the best.

    PS: You got to email me the details of this healer chick… if I’m ever in Jhb. 🙂

    June 28, 2009 at 4:43 pm
  • Reply becomingwhole

    I would like to echo Adi’s thoughts…self-flagellation is never productive, IMO. What an amazing epiphany you’ve had! I also struggle with pushing the feelings down with whatever I have at my reach (food is a favorite).

    There is a book I’ve read (multiple times) that has really helped to start changing my perspective vis a vis self care, self-kindness, and dealing with feelings head-on: When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, by Hirschmann and Munter. Not that you need any of my assvice, but I see _some_ of my same struggle in yours, and this book is helpful to me. Feel free to ignore this paragraph.

    I am inspired by your journey and your courage. It is so difficult to come face to face with our worst fears, our worst pains and keep walking, but you do it.

    Much love and support is going out to you today from across the ocean. 🙂

    June 28, 2009 at 6:18 pm
  • Reply Lea White

    Same as Adi said.

    No matter what you remain a huge inspiration to me and I will forever be grateful that I had the chance to meet you!

    June 29, 2009 at 5:45 am
  • Reply Abbey

    Great new look for the Blog Shaz and the name is a perfect fit! Your Epiphany sounds like the start of a whole new healing process for you. I’m so glad that Sharon was able to point out the need for it to you and hopefully she can guide you to a more ‘real’ place in your life. I think we all need a bit of a reality check once in a while. This journey has so many turns in the road that who can blame us for getting a bit lost along the way.

    June 29, 2009 at 8:18 am
  • Reply Pamela Tsigdinos

    This is so hauntingly familiar. I capture the same experience in Silent Sorority. You’re not alone. It’s self-protection at its best but now that you recognize the denial you can work through it.

    July 1, 2009 at 4:42 pm
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