I just had a MAJOR epiphany! The Intuitive Healer was right! Its been a week since I saw Sharon, a week I’ve spent thinking about something she told me. Battling with it, trying to understand it. Being frustrated by it, trying to ignore it. This morning, while I was messing about with Mosaics, watching rugby and listening to my iPod, it suddenly jumped out at me and sucker punched me so hard, right between the eyes that the shock of it almost knocked me out!
Sharon told me that I confuse my thoughts with my feelings. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what that means, its really baffled me for a week. For those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know that authenticity, no matter how ugly it may be, is very very important to me. And this morning I realized I’m a BIG FAT FRAUD!!!
I live in UTTER denial! I’ve been doing it for about 3 years now, I’ve gotten so damn good at it I don’t even know I’m going it anymore, its become second nature to me. I don’t know my authentic feelings because I’ve been pushing them down or ignoring them for so long I don’t even know what they are anymore! I’m in utter shock at this realization.
I guess it was the pregnancy announcement at work yesterday along with Sharon’s intuition that has sparked this epiphany. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what she meant this week then yesterday, we had a pregnancy announcement at the office & my old friends started surfacing, you know the friends I’m referring to? Sadness? Yearning? Feelings of inadequacy because why has God overlooked me again? Depression? Anger? Frustration? Loss? What did I do? I promptly headed out to the shops for a bit of retail therapy – what a pile of BS that is. Retail therapy! Do me a favour? Lets call it what it is – pushing down those feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, loss, yearning – ignoring them, pretending they aren’t there, putting a smile on my face, thinking happy thoughts and ignoring my feelings with “retail therapy” – which shall hence fourth be known as “denial therapy”! After work, those shit feelings were still hovering just below the surface, they were still simmering, I was still aware of them, so what did I do? I attempted a bit more “denial therapy” and when further “denial therapy” didn’t help, I came home and tried to force those feelings down with food! Lots of food.
I am so good at listening to the voice in my head and NOT listening to the voice in my heart, that I’ve mistaken the fake dialogue in my head for my truth. But its not my truth. My truth is I’m sad, I’m depressed, I yearn, no I ache for a baby of my own, I feel neglected/abandoned by God because He time and time again chooses other people over me, He constantly re-enforces my feelings of not being worthy, of not measuring up, of not being deserving of this.
I’ve been lying to myself for years! Why? Because I so desperately don’t want to deal with those feelings, I’d rather talk myself out of them than have to deal with them. I don’t wanna, I can’t… its too painful. So instead I’ve gone on a mission to ignore them, I’ve filled my calendar with social events so that I have very little time to feel, I’ve gorged myself on food to try and force those feelings down, I’ve over indulged in alcohol and drunk myself stupid in attempts to escape my feelings, to forget….
So its time to get real with myself! I still don’t really know how to “feel” but hopefully in time that will come to me too, for now, I look forward to another session with Sharon, perhaps she can help guide me back towards my feelings, because I cannot move forward unless I’ve dealt with them.